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Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque epic that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome. When we last left our heroes, The TGoL Continuity Enforcer, after dismissing the previous month's episode as noncanon, had agreed to answer some questions for us. Namely: Who is QM Girl (the origin of the story), what is the Warp Whistle (takes you back to "the beginning"), can Spoonlad be banned from the story (yes), and where is this story taking place. The final question has remained yet unanswered. We were
about to find out more about QM Girl—now known as Queuemigi—when
PoCoN/MoCoN/Mocci offended her, and that's where you, the readers,
came in. PoCoN had to make amends before the story could progress, but
how would he do it? Would he give Queuemigi a powerful sword? Magical
flying shoes? Or, perhaps, the Warp Whistle itself? Would that be
enough? And would the setting of The Gates of Life finally be
revealed? Look for the answers to these questions and more in this
month's edition of The Gates of Life!
Chapter Fifty-Eight Queuemigi:
I want the Warp Whistle. Mocci: Can you even blow it with no
lips? Queuemigi: There is a lot of
scraping and chaffing, but yes. MoCoN: OK, there. There you go. Now
will you explain how you're the origin of this story?
MoCoN: It's kind of my job to know these sorts of things. Queuemigi: Oh, sure thing! But
first, I want to see what'll happen if I... Queuemigi: Render! Grab on! Render: *grabs onto Queuemigi* Queuemigi: Oh! Goodness! *blushes
and smiles* I suppose that's an OK place for you to grab. Queuemigi: *blows whistle* Queuemigi: OUCH!! PoCoN: The party felt a strange
pulling sensation.... Render: Annnd...now we're back...in
the entirely floorless Castle of Wonderment? PoCoN: In the present time, no less. PoCoN: You can tell by looking at
my name. Render: And that's why
Queuemigi's a person again now, instead of an obelisk.
PoCoN: Is it really "again"? I'm really confused about how time travel
works.
Queuemigi: So I was right! Blow the Warp Whistle once, and it takes
you to the beginning...blow it again, and it takes you right
back! PoCoN: Well, anyway... *poof* Paul: Heh heh heh.... Render: Well, I sure am glad we got
rid of that guy. Render: Wait, am I? Why would I say
that? Paul: HEH! HEHEHE! Enrique: Dude, no narrator. We might
need a narrator. Rivers: Oh yeah! Enrique's here! Why
is Enrique here? Last time we saw you, you were...actually, nope. I checked the
story's archive,
and I can't figure out what happened to you. Enrique: Portal. Render: It's always a goddamn
portal. Rivers: Render! You
double-crosser! Shouldn't you be with the Narrators United
Doom Squad? Rivers: Maybe...maybe putting your
newish penis too good use...with them?! Render: Hey, for all you know, they
might be chicks. Rivers: Good point. Wait, where are
they, anyway? Rivers: Ha-ha! I see what happened!
They left you here, didn't they! They went to go take over the world,
and they left you behind! Rivers: Boy, don't you feel
foolish now. We are so gonna kick your ass. Render: No you're not. I'm your
Captain. Rivers: Good point. Welcome back to
the team, Captain! Rivers: And Queuemigi! Glad to see
you, too. Queuemigi: Oh, hi Rivers! I was
about to explain to everyone about how I'm the origin of The Gates of
Life. Rivers: Oh, you are? That's pretty
cool. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Well, I
can see that I'm not needed here any more. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Hopefully
you kids won't go causing any major contradictions while I'm gone, eh?
Ha-ha-ha. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: See you– Rivers: No! WAIT! Rivers: WHAT?
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: What? Rivers: What?! Rivers: No, sorry, that's not what I
meant. Rivers: Where?! Rivers: WHERE! TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Where? Rivers: WHERE ARE WE?! TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Where are
we...ah! Ah yes, I was supposed to be telling you something of the
setting of our story.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Hmmm....
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Well, it certainly hasn't been decided
upon in TGoL canon yet, has it? I think that means I get to
decide! TGoL Continuity Enforcer: It's rare that we enforcers actually get to make anything up
ourselves. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: OK, it's
OK, I think I've got this covered guys. To make things simple, let's
just say that the entire story has been taking place on one planet. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: And the
name of that planet is.... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: .... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: .... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: .... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Has there
been a long enough dramatic pause yet? Enrique: No. Longer. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: .... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: .... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: .... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: ...TGOL! Render: .... Enrique: .... Render: No it's not. TGoL Continuity
Enforcer: It's not? Render: It's definitely not. Render: The name of this planet is
not TGoL. That's just stupid. TGoL Continuity
Enforcer: Oh! Then the name of this planet...is Franzardner.
Rivers: Hey, that's pretty cool! Did you get that by combining the
authors' names? Trés
creative. Enrique: wtf. Render: It's definitely not
Franzardner. TGoL Continuity
Enforcer: Why not! Render: And it's not called Gardzen,
either. TGoL Continuity
Enforcer: How did you...FINE! Then it's called Ga– Render: It's not GameCola, either. TGoL Continuity
Enforcer: What the hell! TGoL Continuity
Enforcer: One more try. Render: No. No more tries. Rivers: Why no more times? I like
the way this guy thinks—let's give him another chance. Enrique: Ham. TGoL Continuity
Enforcer: Ham? Enrique: Ham! The name of the planet
is friggin' Ham! Render: Can everyone live with Ham? Queuemigi: I'm a
vegetarian. Render: Wow, that must suck. OK, Ham
it is. Rivers: I thought the TGoL
Continuity Enforcer was supposed to decid– Enrique: IT'S FRIGGIN' HAM!! TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Yes, yes, so
you are on the planet Ham. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: It's...er...a
lovely planet. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Lots of
trees...some oceans.... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Bunch of
islands.... TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Look, it's
a planet, OK? It has poles, hemispheres, deserts and icelands...the
works. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Here, I
tried to draw you a map of it, based on what we know from your travels
thus far. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: It's not a
very good map...your narrator hasn't done a very good job of marking
your progress throughout the story. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: In fact,
all I've got on the map is the island you're on now...but that's
something, eh? I figure you can fill it out more as you journey
onward. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Here it
is:
Render: Uhh....It says TGoL on the
map. Render: That's a reference to the name of the story, right? And not the
name of the planet? TGoL Continuity
Enforcer: Ah yes, well, yes, yes, that is true. But here, let
me see that map again.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Ta-da! There we
go. I think you'll find that this is more to your, eh, liking.
TGoL Continuity Enforcer: So you're
on the Isle of Fluff. You're in the entirely floorless Castle of
Wonderment, as established earlier in this chapter, so there's really
no need for me to mention it again. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: The island
is a rather nice island. It's got...er...things.... You know, you can just
click here. We've
already described it before. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Look, I'm
no narrator, OK? And it looks like you don't actually have one at the
moment.... Paul: HEH! Damn right you don't! TGoL Continuity Enforcer: I've sent
for a new one—hopefully he'll show up soon. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Can I
leave now? I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable. Bar-Bar: NO! NO YOU CAN NOT! Rivers: Drat. I was hoping the
writer had forgotten about him. Bar-Bar: Heh, unlikely. I am unforgettable. TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Ah,
ah...Bar-Bar, is it? Well, what can I do for you? Bar-Bar: We've had far plenty
exposition this GODDAMMIT ASS-SCRUNCHIE month, don't you think? TGoL Continuity Enforcer: Well, yes,
actually. What of it? Bar-Bar: I am ready for some GOD
DAMN action! Bar-Bar: For
BALLS' sake, we even have a mission! I have to lead this band of
BASTARDS to take on the Narrators United Doom Squad before they take
over the world. Bar-Bar: So let's get on with it! Render: I hate to agree with
Bar-Bar, but...I do think it's time for me and my crew to actually do
something. Everyone: .... Everyone: .... Everyone: .... Newbie Narrator: Oh, gosh, that's my
cue, isn't it? Newbie Narrator: Sorry about that,
guys! I'm sorry! Sorry! Newbie Narrator: OK. *ahem* And so,
the merry band of adventurers—Captain Thomas
“7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora; Rivers of the Fusion Powers;
Glorious Lord Enrique, Grand Master Barbarian Mage;
Queuemigi, the Origin of Everything; and Bar-Bar—procured a ship and
set sail once again. Newbie Narrator: But where would
they go? What grand journey would they undertake? Newbie Narrator: That, my friends,
is for you to decide. Newbie Narrator: How was that? Was
that OK? Enrique: Not bad. Which Gate Do You
Choose? Stay the Course Render: I'm kinda pissed that those guys just left me
here...and I guess saving the world's OK. Render: Anyone know where the NUDS HQ is? 'Cause we
should head there. Rock the Boat Render: You know what? Screw this. Someone else
can take on the NUDS. I'd rather just explore some of the uncharted
parts of the map and see what we can find. How It All Started Queuemigi: Doesn't anybody care about how I'm
the origin of the story?!
-- Paul Franzen
{07-2008}
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Past Editions of The Gates of Life:
Chapter 57:
Background Information - No Spooning Render’s 3 Lost Bros. |
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