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We've published close to 700 articles since we started this Webazine in April of '02. Which is an awful lot, especially if you're a new reader who wants to get caught up. You only wanna read the good stuff—or at least, the most important stuff. Which is why Classic 'Cola exists: to highlight some of the forgotten gems and memorable moments of GameCola's five-year-plus history. To that end, we're publishing one old article here a month—in chronological order, starting from Issue #1—to show you some of our best (or, at least, most significant) writings to-date. (And we're running them completely unedited, and with their original formatting, as painful as that is.)
Genre:
Sports, Multiple Events Every few
years a game comes along that changes the face of console
entertainment. A game that breaks every template both graphically and
creatively. A game that sparks the mind's curiosity. A game that
guarantees a smile throughout the entirety of the gameplay. You simply
cannot turn away from the sheer magnificence of it. There is no way to
stop playing the game, and it doesn't even matter because that option
has not even crossed your mind. In Let's find the nicest, sugarcoated way to describe the game in one sentence. Okay, I've got it: Caveman Games sucks. I will go into detail momentarily, but for the most part, the game is poorly conceived, very unclear, and extremely unfun. The games themselves are rigid and uncreative, and they are all damn near impossible to do, much less be good at. It pains me to say all of this, but it is my GameCola duty to make sure that you all steer clear of this monstrosity. Whenever you see a copy of Caveman Games, whether it be at your local GameStop, flea marked, or yard sale, destroy it on spot. Do not look directly at it, or you will be turned to stone. Do not touch it or you will be turned into a piece of uncontrollable shit that is no fun to be around, which isn't unlike the game itself. In all six
of the cave events, your basic goal is to mash the buttons very fast.
That's . . . basically it. Whether it be getting your shitty dinosaur
to run fast or rubbing sticks to make a spark, the main action is
constant button mashing. What's worse is the fact that at some points
your button mashing doesn't work. What to do next, you ask? Sit there
with a sore, tired finger and watch your character stand on the screen.
I wouldn't knock it though, as it is often more fun than the planned
event. Audio in the game ranges from none to sucky. There is literally
no sound besides a short tune that plays at the start of the game and
another at the start of an event. Any other sound is a generic thump
used throughout the game. This versatile th In closing,
playing a game like Caveman Games is not only unfun, it's downright
stupid. Only a shithead would trade precious hours of human life for
play time in this sorry excuse for an NES game. If I had the chance to
travel back in time and reclaim my lost caveman play time, I would take
it in a heartbeat. Don't even ask me about the replay value, because
during your first play you will already be sick of it. Do yourself a
favor -- take up Ninja Gaiden. It's really frickin' fun.
-- Neal Iannone {11-2002} Rate this article — |
short: Pure video game perfection. And then there's games like this . .
.
ump
sound can be used to simulate the sound of running, clubbing, dying,
blowing on a fire, and your mate's disapproval during your sucky attempt
at a particular event.
