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-- by Paul Franzen, Eric Regan and Matt Gardner Jack Russell: Here we are, ladies and gentleman, with another EXCITING installment of Digital Championship Wrestling! Jack: Here beside me is my partner in announcement, ERIC. Jack: And guest host, Paul! Paul: GUEST HOST??? Jack: Exactly. Eric: Who is the one demoted now! HA! Paul: I'm not the frickin' guest host! Jack: Let’s get this match underway. Eric: What match exactly IS getting underway, Jack? Jack: I have no idea. Jack: Oh yeah. Jack: A battle royal. Paul: Welcome everyone to the annual Dino Riki Battle Royal! We're just getting underway with Raz from Psychonauts and Alexander of Daventry from King's Quest! Eric: Well this will definitely be one HELL of an evening! Paul: Who are both in the ring right now. Paul: And fighting. Eric: WHAT?! We are starting with some action!? This is unprecedented. Paul: Look at 'em go! Jack: Alexander of Daventry? That wimp? How did he get invited to this thing? Paul: You'd have to ask Dino Riki! He's in charge of all the invites. Paul: Looks like he's not so much of a wimp, though, eh? He just clotheslined Raz right over the top rope, and we're already ready for our third entrant! Eric: Well that sure was speedy! But look out now, it is Goro! From Dark cloud! The ever-menacing warrior. Jack: If by menacing, you mean chubby. Paul: Goro rushes for Alexander, grabs him and delivers a vicious piledriver! Paul: And then he stomps on Alexander's head a couple of times. Jack: Ouch! I'd rather be dead then get stomped in the head. Paul: Nice rhyming, Jack! Jack: Thanks! It's kind of my thing. Eric: Such fluid movement! I’ve never seen this kind of thing from Goro before; he is fighting with a purpose tonight! Eric: Alexander is reaching out for the ropes, trying to get his bearings but it isn’t looking good. Eric: When you get stomped by Goro, your day hasn’t gone as planned. Paul: Goro picks Alexander up and looks to toss him over the top rope, but before he gets the chance Alexander reverses it into a hurracanrana! There goes Goro! Jack: I've never seen anyone from Daventry with moves like that! Eric: Apparently Alexander still has some fight left in him as he does the ever famous BRING IT hand motions out towards the corridor. Paul: And who should appear from the locker room but THE CHIBI-ROBO. Paul: Who is about a 25th the size of Alexander of Daventry. Jack: Size doesn't matter! Jack: Everyone in Radiata is a mutated Chibi person, and we are tough as nails! Jack: Especially Theatre Vancoor! Eric: I hear those Vanoor Boys are a rough bunch. Jack: You hear right. Eric: Is that an electrical cord? I don’t think those things are legal here in DCW! What is this madness? Paul: Everything's legal in battle royals! Paul: At least I'm pretty sure, as referee Marty Jannetty isn't stopping Chibi from attempting to choke Alexander out with the cord. Jack: Isn't Marty more of a wrestler than a ref? Paul: Well, he's been reffing here for...well, it probably adds up to a year, at any rate. Paul: He's bound to have picked up something! Eric: Yes, an excellent use of that cord. This could be the end of Alexander’s surprising start. Eric: But wait! It looks as if Mr. Robo's power is draining fast! They sure don’t make batteries like they used too. Jack: Isn't it about time for someone else to enter the ring? Jack: Where’s that countdown? Paul: Not until one of these two fine combatants are eliminated! Paul: It's sort of a gauntlet-style battle royal, you see. Jack: Sounds like a cop out to me. Paul: And with a swoon and a sigh, Chibi-Robo hits the mat! Paul: With no life left in his batteries, it's unlikely that he'll be continuing in this matchup. Eric: It looks to be all over for the metallic hero as Alexander nonchalantly pushes him off the apron. Jack: Everyone knows you need to bring a backup battery to a battle royal! Jack: Robo has no one to blame but himself for that one. Eric: Three men down and the mighty ALEXANDER still reigns! Paul: Who's next?! Jack: Tony Orlando? Eric: Tony Orlando isn’t in any video games! Jack: That you know of, Eric. Eric: Well yeah, you really called my bluff on that one, Jack. Eric: Look! It's Cortez! From Timesplitters! Paul: Cortez dives right under the bottom rope but gets dropkicked right in the face by a surprisingly-full-of-energy Alexander! Eric: But that is just a minor inconvenience for the bloodthirsty Cortez who shakes it off and begins his charge anew. Eric: A charge, right through the ring and resulting in a spill onto the outside. Eric: Good show, Cortez! Good show. Paul: Does that constitute an elimination? I think he's eliminated! Eric: Oh he totally is. Bring on the next challenger. Eric: Please. Jack: I agree! Next! Paul: Well if it isn't ToeJam! Eric: Oh God, that HACK?! Jack: Without Earl, he is nothing. Eric: Everyone knows Earl is the real talent in that duo. Paul: If anyone can take on the ferocious Alexander of Daventry, it's ToeJam. Paul: With...or WITHOUT...Earl. Eric: Really? Because he looks pretty terrified out there to me. Jack: I thought Alex just got eliminated by Cortez. Eric: I think I even see some tears forming. Paul: That was Cortez who got eliminated by himself! Paul: I think. Eric: No, Cortez just charged out of the ring. Jack: Then why is he still in the ring?! Paul: He may look terrified, but it's all a ruse! Before entering the ring ToeJam pulled a present out from under it. Eric: The ref should be taking care of Mr. Cortez over there; don’t you pay these guys Paul? Jack: Marty is really dropping the ball tonight. Eric: And it appears ToeJam was awarded with some rocket skates! I’m not too sure they will be of much help in a battle royal. Paul: Sure they well! They'll...oh wait...they appear to have just driven him straight into a turnbuckle. Eric: And it is looking like the turnbuckle has the upper hand in that battle. Eric: How many people are in this thing? Paul: Ten. Paul: We're up to six. Jack: Six? Paul: I think? Eric: Alexander rushes over to the turnbuckle and begins to repeatedly bash Mr. Jam’s face into it. Eric: Yes, six. Jack: Why is Cortez still in the ring? Paul: I thought he was outside of it! Jack: Not according to my eyes. Eric: He has snuck back inside! Without a peep from Mr. Jannetty! Jack: And my eyes tell no lies. Eric: And wait… what is this?! A LOW BLOW on Alexander the not-so-great! He appears to be out cold. Jack: Is that legal? Eric: Oh yeah, like I know what is legal and not. Jack: So you are like Marty! Eric: Exactly! Jack: Maybe you should be the ref! Eric: Couldn’t do any worse. Paul: Almost effortlessly, Cortez tosses Alexander right out of the right! He then exits himself, leaving only a nearly lifeless ToeJam. Eric: MADNESS!!! This has NEVER before been seen in ANY battle royal! Paul: Ever! Eric: We are making some history tonight folks! Paul: This is the biggest night in the history of our industry! Jack: Speaking of history, ToeJam is done for. Paul: By GAWD, what will happen next?! Jack: The next contender has an easy time here. Paul: But who IS the next contender?! Eric: ToeJam shakes his head and blinks a few times, just in time to get a peek of his newest challenger.... Eric: Jack Frost. Jack: Hey hey hey. Jack: I'm the only Jack around here. Paul: Jack Frost? He's not from any videogame! Eric: Apparently not, eh Mr. Russell? Paul: What videogame is Jack Frost from! Eric: He is from Nocturne!
YOU FOOL. Eric: Jeez, what kinda n00b are you? Jack: He's from all of the Shin Megami Tensei games, actually. Jack: That’s pathetic, Paul. Jack: I thought you were an authority on this stuff. Paul: I don't play crappy games, sorry. Paul: For example: I've never played Radiata Stories. Paul: And there's a reason. Paul: But let's get back to the match! Eric: Jack Frost skips his way to the middle of the ring and looks down on the pummeled ToeJam contemplating what he should do next. Jack: ARGH! Eric: I sense some hostility between my two co-hosts; we might have some better action up here! Eric: BY GAWD! Jack Russell has just thrown Paul right in to the ring. Eric: He quickly follows him in and lands some VICIOUS right hands. Eric: Oh no! NO!! DONT DO IT JACK!! Eric: Jack is using the ropes to choke the life out of the helpless commentator. Eric: He is merely a man Jack! Not a legend like yourself!! Spare his pitiful soul!! Jack: I suppose you have a point. Jack: I think he's learned his lesson, anyway. Eric: Yeah. Jack: And the audience hasn’t paid enough to see ME in action. Eric: Though he might need some new lessons. Eric: On like how to breathe. Jack: Oh, he will be fine. Jack: I held back! Eric: Well! With all that commotion we missed the SPECTACULAR elimination of ToeJam. Eric: Well, at least I’m sure it was spectacular. Eric: No way ToeJam would disappoint us. Jack: No way. Jack: Especially not in his third game. Paul: And Paul makes it back to the announcers table just in time to see entrant number eight! Jack: Welcome back, blasphemer! Eric: Yeah, wow, talk about slacking off at work. Paul: By GAWD, it's Midna! From Twilight Princess! Paul: That beastly thing that rides Link when he's in wolf form! Eric: Oooh right of course. Eric: Why didn’t I know that. Paul: Because you have no taste! Jack: I'd rather eat some yeast than fight that beast! Paul: That was a good one, Jack! Eric: The mass of snow balls vs. a beast that rides feral wolf: one of the all time classic match ups that we here at DCW always bring to the table. Paul: That's no ordinary beast, however: That beast has a GIANT HAND!!! Paul: HERE COMES THE PAIN. Jack: He is a John Cena fan? Eric: No, no, that’s Brock Lesnar, right, he is a Brock Lesnar fan. Jack: Why does he have the giant inflatable Cena hand, then? Paul: She likes them both equally, actually. Paul: Though she does consider herself a member of the "Chain Gang." Eric: Wait, it’s a she? Jack: A she? Really? Paul: Sure is! Eric: How can you tell? Paul: She has breasts. Paul: BREASTS! Jack: Well, that's frightening. Eric: I don’t see them. Paul: Well, they're not very big. Eric: Well what’s the point in them, then. Jack: I’d rather eat a bat than have sex with... that. Eric: OOOH BURRRRRRRRRRN. Paul: Midna picks up Jack Frost with her giant hand and dangles him helplessly over the ropes! Jack: This doesn’t look good! Eric: This looks to be over quick! But wait....Jack Frost wriggles free and darts to the other side of the ring. Paul: And he rushes back, hitting Midna with a SICKENING spear! Jack: More like an icicle. Eric: Well it sure it would be sickening, if Midna had actually felt anything. Eric: But the attempted maneuver only seems to have angered this small-breasted beast as it is now chasing the tiny Mr. Frost about the inside of the ring. Paul: And she backhands the foul icy thing right over the top rope! Jack: And here comes the next contestant! Come on down! Jack: I said, come on down! Paul: Oh my God, it's...! Jack: Bastion Misawa?! Eric: YES! The one. Eric: The only. Eric: BASTION! The card dueling maniac! Paul: Oh no! How will Midna ever deal some lame 12-year-old who plays Yu-Gi-Oh! Jack: Stirless Earth, indeed! Let's see if he can stand strong versus the mighty one-handed beast woman! Eric: He is not just any lame 12 year old! He is a RA YELLOW!! A RA YELLOW! Paul: What the hell does that mean?? Eric: You just don’t know anything, do you. Jack: He plays Yu-Gi-Oh as much as Midna plays Twilight Princess! Eric: Uh oh! The beasty looks to be in trouble—Bastion has just played a monster in face down defense position. Paul: Goodness! Paul: ... Paul: What a nerd. Jack: You are such a bigot. Eric: WHAT?! Midna just ATE the damned card. Eric: I don’t think that is in the rules. Jack: I sure hope he set some trap cards! Paul: What the hell are you people talking about??? Jack: The match, you travesty of announcement. Eric: Bastion makes his way to the other side of the ring, throwing down cards as he goes. Eric: Midna doesn’t seem
phased as she just continues to rip apart each and every one with
her vicious fangs!! Jack: Wait...is that...Cortez?! Paul: Not that fiend again! Jack: What is he doing back out here?! Eric: And he has Chibi-Robo's damn cord in his hands!! Eric: What is that rotten scoundrel up too! Jack: No good! Paul: He just tripped Midna and pulled her out of the ring! Paul: And he carries her away, cackling maniacally. Paul: As he heads toward the locker room he passes our FINAL ENTRANT coming down the ramp! Paul: And! Paul: It is none other! Eric: Oooh man I hope its good. Paul: Than Ash Ketchum. Eric: Oh God. Jack: No way. Eric: This is Yu-Gi-Oh territory, bitch! Jack: I can feel the electricity! Paul: Pokemon so owns Yu-Gi-Oh, and you know it! Jack: This is the match of the century! I honestly don't know who will win! Eric: Ash races towards the ring, whips out one of his well known Pokeballs and hurls it straight towards Bastion. Paul: But Bastion bats it away with a Yu-Gi-Oh card, which he then places on the mat! Paul: The ball explodes and out pops Pikachu...but what's that that's going on with the card?! Jack: It’s a torrential tribute! Jack: Pikachu is destroyed! Eric: Look at the fur fly! Poor electric rat. Paul: Ash is undaunted! He throws down another ball, and out pops... SNORLAX. Jack: Wow, looks like Bastion retaliates with a monster... in defense position.... Eric: Oh yeah, I can just feel the excitement brewing now. Jack: Sleeping and defending... do your matches always go this excitingly, fellows? Paul: ...Which then gets punched in the face by Snorlax! Paul: They're not usually this exciting, actually! Eric: No, we can only hope for this kind of excitement! Eric: And with that punch in the face it awakens the monster Bastion had summoned! Eric: Whatever could it be! Paul: Hell if I know! Jack: I'm not sure, either! Jack: But I do know one thing! Jack: Cortez is coming back for more! Paul: Not again! Eric: He has Snorlax and the strange Dino creature that Bastion has summoned in either hand now. Eric: And is doing some kind of crazy tornado spin! Eric: How can he manage this! Doesn’t this man ever get tired!! Paul: Both creatures go flying out of the ring! Eric: Don’t our refs ever give a damn! Eric: I mean EVER?! Really, this is getting out of hand. Paul: Speak of the devil! Jannetty rushes into the ring and superkicks Cortez right in the face! Paul: He is OUT FOR THE COUNT. Paul: With his back turned to the action, however, BOTH combatants seem to have been eliminated! Paul: As they're both on the floor. Eric: Oh GOD no! Eric: No way. Eric: Can’t we ever have a finish!! JUST ONCE! Jack: So this thing is going to end with no winner?! Eric: *breaks down in tears* Jack: No, it can’t. Jack: I’ll fix this! Paul: My God…what...what is Jack Russell doing?? Paul: He's leaving the announcers table and heading straight into the ring! Paul: Eric, wake up! Jack: I am the true champion, anyway! Paul: You gotta see this! Eric: WHOA!!! Eric: He has all three fallen men and Jannetty in one MASSIVE headlock! Paul: He then climbs to the top rope, still holding the three men! Jack: I'd rather pop off your head then let this match be dead! Eric: And he just tosses them into the crowd! Eric: It’s a mad house! Listen to that applause!! Paul: And with that...it appears as though Jack is the winner of our battle royal! Paul: Despite not being an official entrant in it! Eric: Our official rules committee is going to be awfully upset. Jack: I don't have to be an entrant to be a champion! Jack: Just listen to my fans! Paul: They are screaming his name! Eric: It’s true. Eric: We supply what the FAN demands. Paul: WELL, that just about wraps up another edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! Jack: Thank you all, I had a ball! Paul: Thanks for coming, Jack! Jack: Anytime, non-believer! Jack: You too, Sniffles! Paul: I hope, Eric, you now see how replaceable you are. Eric: I think you’re the replaceable one. Eric: Chuckles. Paul: DAMMIT, the FAN had just forgotten about that! Eric: HA! Eric: GOOD NIGHT! Be sure to come back next month to see more of ME! Eric: You know, the UNfired ERIC. Paul: If you're still around! Paul: GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY.
-- Paul Franzen, Eric Regan and Matt Gardner {01-01-2007} Rate this article — |
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Past Editions of Digital Championship Wrestling:
December 2006: Simon Belmont
vs. Purple Tentacle! |
