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-- by Paul Franzen and
Eric Regan
Paul:
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the brand SPANKIN' new DCW arena!
Dubbed "The James Pond Memorial Colliseum," our new crib has all of
the state-of-the-art amenities---and yes, that does include cup
holders on each and every seat.
Eric: Ooooooooh yeeeeeeeeah! We
spared NO expense!
Paul: You mean our sponsors spared
no expense! I'd just like to give a quick shout-out to "testgame.Exe:
Making the Adventure" and "The
Grass is Always...," without whom none, absolutely none, of this
would even be possible.
Eric: Nice job with the plugs.
Eric: Very tasteful.
Paul: And speaking of plugs, why
don't you all check out "Be
Careful What You Search For"—the "plug" to that void in your life.
Eric: Ouch man, OUCH. That one was
just painful.
Eric: Anything else you need to
shill?
Paul: I think what we really need
to do is ring in the new arena with its very matchup!
Eric: YES! That is exactly right
Paul! A christening of blood! It will truly be a sight to behold! An
epic encounter between two other worldly titans! This is a night that
will not be soon forgotten! VIVO DCW.
Paul: But before we get to that,
let's bring the fan up-to-date!
Eric: Wait, shouldnt THE fan
already know what's going on? What kind of THE fan misses even a
single moment of DCW action?!
Paul: Our original arena was
destroyed in the spring of this year, toward the tail end of a vicious
encounter between Wander (Shadow of the Colossus) and Jack Russell (Radiata
Stories) that saw James Pond (James Pond) run in, hang from the
rafters, and literally pull apart the entire building.
Paul: Since then we've been
traveling from scenic locale to scenic locale, bringing the action
worldwide, showcasing our talent in none other than the Jersey Shore,
an MMA battlefield, and Eric's backyard, among other places.
Paul: And now, the time has come,
at last, for us to have a home once again. Let's hold hands and savor
the moment.
Eric: Beautiful.
Eric: Can I gag yet?
Eric: Please??
Paul: There's no time for gagging,
Eric---we've got a match that's raring to take place!
Eric: Oh really!? What two lucky
warriors have we chosen to be etched in the minds of all the DCW
faithful!
Eric: The two who will forever be
remembered in this arena and be held up to a higher standard for the
rest of their careers!
Eric: The two who will never be
forgotten and live on in the lore of DCW years and years!
Eric: WHO are we bestowing this
GIFT of IMMORTALITY too!?
Paul: Tonight, in this very
ring...or at least, in this very arena...we've set our sights on
settling a dispute that's been raging on for nigh-on a month.
Paul: Ever since those two Final
Fantasy heroes had tea and cookies in Eric's kitchen.
Eric: .........
Eric: What.
Eric: NO.
Eric: Please.
Eric: NO.
Paul: The fan demanded closure,
Eric!
Eric: Goddamn fan.
Eric: I really need to have a
talking with them.
Paul: The fan did not like the way
our last match ended, with the two combatants willing to call it a
draw.
Eric: I didn't like the way it
ended either! But I certainly don't need see another sparkle-clad
giggle-fest in our GREAT NEW arena!
Paul: The fan's demands come
before yours, Eric! It is now time for SEPHIROTH VS. ZIDANE.
Eric: *gags*
Paul: And, this being the first
match ever in the James Pond Memorial Coliseum, we wanted to do
something sorta special.
Eric: Of course! YES!!
Eric: Maybe a Bed of Blades
match??
Paul: So we're not just having
Sephiroth vs. Zidane in a regular ol' one-on-one match.
Eric: Or a a Razor Pendulum
match??
Paul: We've signed the most
appropriate match imaginable, considering how our arena came to be—
Eric: Who Can Sustain the Highest
Degree Burns Inferno match??
Eric: SOMETHING COOL!! PLEASE!
Paul: —a SCAFFOLD MATCH.
Eric: Oh god.
Eric: A Scaffold match??
Paul: A Scaffold match.
Eric: Who are the braintrusts that
come up with this.
Paul: I'll just assume that was a
rhetorical question.
Paul: Why don't you tell the fan
at home what a Scaffold match is, Eric?
Eric: Uhhhhh...
Eric: Well....
Eric: I believe the two digital
"warriors" fight on top of the scaffold, and whoever falls off first
LOSE.
Eric: PURE EXCITEMENT TO THE
TWENTY SIXTH POWER!!
Eric: Maybe I missed something,
though; is this like a special POOL OF BLOOD Scaffold match?
Paul: No, it's just a Scaffold
match!
Eric: Or like maybe a
Razor-toothed Wurm Lives in the Pit Just Below the Scaffold...match?
Paul: Definitely just a scaffold
match.
Eric: Oh. Right.
Eric: I CAN'T WAIT!!
Eric: Is it at least a
MAAAAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXTREME Scaffold match?
Eric: Maybe like some chairs,
barbed wire....
Paul: Oh, wait!
Eric: Straps? Big traffic lights?
Paul: I'm getting word from the
back!
Eric: Cement trucks? Lumberjacks?
Paul: They've got an update on
what match we're holding! They're telling me...
Eric: ANYTHING!?
Paul: ...that....
Eric: Ooh baby! Here it comes!
Paul: ...that....
Eric: WHAT MAN, WHAT! A TANK OF
HUNGRY SHARKS?
Paul: ...it's a scaffold match!
Oh, huzzah!
Eric: Oh.
Eric: GODDAMN THEM.
Eric: They are sooo on my uncool
list.
Eric: SO ON IT!
Eric: So I suppose we should get
this extravaganza underway! Don't want to keep THE fan waiting any
longer for this MUCH anticipated matchup.
Paul: Zidane and Sephiroth
approach the scaffold together. It's apparent that neither are really
looking forward to this, and, quite frankly, that they've enjoyed the
friendship they've built over the past month.
Eric: I am going to go sob in the
corner.
Paul: Timidly they approach the
scaffold, and YES, they are now both ON the scaffold! This matchup is
underway!
Eric: I have a feeling the
audience will feel over six times the pain that either of this
combatants will.
Paul: Zidane and Sephiroth bow to
each other, bow to the audience, and then, in a moment that will no
doubt live on in all our lives as the moment that really clearly
showed what kind of a man Sephiroth really is, the Final Fantasy VII
villain pushes Zidane right off the scaffold.
Eric: Wait what??
Eric: That's it??
Eric: What kind of MATCH is this!?
Paul: This matchup is over!
Eric: Over?
Paul: And your winner is
Sephiroth.
Eric: It didn't even start yet!
Paul: It's over!
Eric: And looking around...I still
see no razor toothed wurms.
Paul: Well, that's about all we've
got for you this month in Digital Championship Wrestling!
Eric: .........
Eric: Worst. Match. Ever
.
Eric: But look on the bright
side!: Next month will just be THAT MUCH BETTER!!
Paul: You're damn right it will
be! For "Captain" Eric Regan I'm Paul Franzen, and we'll see you next
month! 
--
Paul Franzen and
Eric
Regan
{09-01-2006}
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