GameCola: Submissions (5-4-2)

the prizes are lame, and its pretty sad only staff win the prizes.

- lamers

Paul: Wondering myself how many of our contest winners have been on staff, I did a little research. This research took up time that could've been spent studying for my psychology exam, working on the upcoming GameCola: The Best of Year Four issue, or wondering why, exactly, my roommates are never fully clothed. (Does anyone else have this problem? I've yet to have a roommate in college who wasn't a nudist. Is it a part of the guy code that I don't know about? I bet it's on the same page as "Thou shalt love sports with a passion generally reserved for female private parts" and "Thou shalt wear thine baseball caps cocked at funny angles.")

But I did it for you, lamers, and for all the thousands of Colalites out there. And the results, as results are wont to be, are shocking:

73% of our contest winners have not been on the GameCola staff. Which is to say, only four of us have ever won a prize. As 73 is a good deal higher than zero, I must admit I'm a little skeptical about your hypothesis, lamers. Maybe you should change your name to "WRONGERS," hah!!!

Incidentally, only 38% of our prizes have, in fact, been lame. Suck it.

Zack's review of Super 3D Noah's Ark

Hi. I am a Nazi and I would just like to say that this review by Zack Huffman has shocked me. In this day and age, I thought that the prejudices my people have had to endure were over, but I still constantly am hearing "punks" talk about how fun it is to shoot us. I'm not saying he isn't entitled to his opinion, but please, think of others before you write such things.

- Nazi Jeremy

Zack: Time and time again, science has proven that shooting Nazis is both psychological therapeutic and downright entertaining. I'd be lying if I said that I worried about offending anyone on here, but if I were to decide to not make jokes about killing Nazis because of complaints, then I would eventually have to stop making jokes about all of sorts of other groups that I like to make fun of, like train-hopping hobos or the people of Finland.

Those of you who have followed any of what I've written for GameCola will notice that if you remove the parts of my articles where I unfairly make fun of people, then you would be left with about three sentences about how bad the game is. Paul said that I had to write more than that, so I'm to re-affirm my claim that Nazis are fun to kill. In fact, I encourage as many of our readers to go out and find some just so you can experience that joy.

Matt's review of Drakengard 2

i can not agree with you on the voice acting issue! damn you eric and your love of all things british

Steve's review of Resident Evil: Deadly Silence

Just thought you should know that the opening quotation to this article doesn't come from the Bible at all. It's from "The Confessions", a book that was written by Saint Augustine in 397.

Steve: Hey, thanks. :) I wasn't 100% sure on it, and it's something of an esoteric lead into a review of a game about the living dead, but I appreciate the correction.

MovieMansion Presents: Alone in the Dark (January 2006)

loved the link from gamecola!

- pineyRick

Figure Fours and Magic Eights

YOU! it is all your fault that John Cena guy won, I curse you for the rest of your days "Paul Franzen" do you hear me! I curse you!

Paul: What, you mean you DON'T like John Cena as champ? That's hard to believe. I can't imagine why someone wouldn't love a vanilla thug wannabe whose vocabulary consists of little more than "poopy" and "*euphemism for his opponent's sexuality*," whose moveset consists of little more than punches and fist drops, and whose major claim to fame is that he can wave his hand in front of his face. Shocking.

JoHn CENA IS A GODDAMN HIPPY@!!!!

- ERIC

Paul: At least hippies are too busy smoking pot, making socks and complaining about having chores (according to a paper from my Narrative Writing course, at least) to win professional wrestling world titles.

can u put a wresteling game here

Paul: What, to download? To play? To read about? OH MY GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?

Reviewer Logos:

Zack Huffman


Bradley Keene	Shawn Sackenheim	Matt Gardner


Mark Freedman	Janra Roberts	Casey Levine


Paul Franzen	Travis Combs	Steve Hamner

- Eric Regan

Submission for the "Holy Crap Please Make us a New Logo" Contest:

- Craig Bass

Paul: We're getting so close, but we're not quite there yet! Awesome font and I like the idea with the background; but the boxy shape of it all doesn't look quite right on the issue.