GameCola: What the Crap?s (5-11)

-- by Mark Freedman

Hey, let’s go to the movies and see that sweet new <Action Star> movie!

Hey, let’s go see that new <Videogame> Movie! Wrong!

Hey, let’s go buy that new video game based on a moderately good movie! Again, Wrong!

I love a good quality movie. I generally go for the silly action flicks, like Terminator, Predator, etc., but I love comedies, and even the occasional drama. But honestly, what the crap are the game developers thinking when they come up with games based on movies, or movie producers come up with movies based on great game titles. They both are generally incredibly horrible, and yet no one seems to realize how much damage has been done. Here’s a list of the fairly well known ones:

Doom: I never saw it, and while The Rock is cool, I hear he dies really quickly. I haven’t heard anything good about this film. http://nedm.ytmnd.com.
Final Fantasy - The Spirits Within: See above, minus The Rock. I was glad to see this movie was FINALLY over. (pun intended)
Final Fantasy - Advent Children: Awesome-looking movie, yes, but the story was too damn confusing. I played through FFVII twice, and was still confused. Didn’t everyone die at the end of the game!
Double Dragon: Piece of shit. WTC?
Tomb Raider 1 + 2: Crappy, although Angelina Jolie is a saving grace.
Mortal Kombat 1 + 2: These just plain sucked. Although the theme song kicked ass. There wasn’t enough Scorpion harpooning and Sub-Zero freezing.
Pokémon movies (all 500 of them): I just plain hate Pokémon, and I think making a movie was just an outreach for $$$.
Resident Evil movies: These movies sucked except for the part where the girl kicks the dog.
Street Fighter: I admit that Jean Claude Van Damme as Guile sounds cool, but just look at these stupid tag lines for the movie. This movie was a piece of junk like Mortal Kombat.

The ultimate battle.

Adventure is the name of the game.

The ultimate challenge begins this Christmas in theaters everywhere.

The fight to save the world begins 12-23-94.

Get ready for the ultimate street fight!

This Christmas, shop early. The streets won't be safe.

The ultimate battle is about to begin.

The problem.

The solution.

The fight to save the world is on!

Silent Hill: Fell asleep during viewing. I’ve done that only with boring/stupid movies (e.g., Pirates 2). If you haven’t played the game, you are confused as crap. If you have played the game, then you think it’s a shitty adaptation.
Super Mario Bros.: If Bowser is going to be the bad guy from Speed with spiky hair and not be a lizard type dude, then I quit. Where the hell are some fireballs and Tanooki suits?

Bottom line, the movie producers made these to capitalize off of popular game series—too bad they missed out on what the game is all about. I am scared of talk about Zelda, Metroid and Max Payne movies. Every time a new movie adaptation of a game comes out, we all develop Alzheimer’s and forget that they all suck.

Extra Credit:

OK, so the Street Fighter movie was based on the game. Then, they made a “Street Fighter: The Movie” game for Sega Saturn. It’s a game, based on a movie, based on a game. Talk about a 360 circle of bullshit. I’ve actually played this game, and it’s so shitty, it’s hilarious. I think Capcom needs to make a Street Fighter: The Movie The Game The Movie.

The only sweet resolution is “The Wizard,” about a guy who is a videogame pro, and he goes to this convention and plays Super Mario B ros. 3 for the first time, and somehow manages to whoop everyone’s ass. This was good times because, as I recall, the game wasn’t actually out yet, so we got a nice little sneak peak. But then, this was based on the videogame genre, so it doesn’t really count.

Alright folks, I covered crappy movies based on games this month. Be sure to stay tuned next month for the exciting conclusion: an in-depth walkthrough of shitty games based on movies. If you have a different opinion, you be sure to leave a comment below!

-- Mark Freedman {11-01-2006}