GameCola: Versus Mode (5-11)

You know him from The Gates of Life and ...of the Month, and you know her from Be Careful What You Search For. That's right! This month in Versus Mode it's:

Matt Gardner vs. Terrence Atkins~!

1. It's not cheating if it's in World of Warcraft.

Matt: It’s not cheating. I won’t say that there is nothing wrong with having cyber sex in World of Warcraft, but it is equally wrong to have cyber sex with your actual girlfriend in World of Warcraft. And, of course, by wrong I mean lame. Really, really, super, ultra, uber uber uber, mega lame.

I actually find it hard to believe that people having this cyber elf sex (don’t kid yourself—if someone’s gonna be having sex in WoW, it’s gonna be with an elf) actually have someone to cheat on. Call me a freak, but my actual penis needs way more attention than my cyber one. In fact, I think my cyber penis may have atrophied and fallen off years ago.

I’m getting off point. It’s not cheating, but if you’re doing it and have a relationship, your relationship needs serious help.

Terrence: Matt is an idiot. Of course it’s cheating! Saying that it’s not cheating is like saying BJs don’t count. (They shouldn’t, but they do.) I don’t see how any rational human being can sit there and type sexy sex phrasettes at what they believe to be someone of the opposite sex, with the intent to ejaculate, and NOT see that as a betrayal of their (wo)man’s trust. I will agree that it is lame, though. Uberly so.

2. The Wii-Mote will succeed where other gimmicky controllers have failed.

Matt: Uh…yeah? This is possibly the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard. Kind of like asking if the touch screen portion of the DS will succeed. They are basing the system around this bullshit gimmick stuff, which means all of their damn games are going to be lame and gimmicky, as opposed to having just a select few games that make use of stupid controllers. With so much gimmicky crap, it follows that if you are going to own a Wii, you will have whatever the hell that controller is. Therefore, the controller itself won’t fail unless the Wii itself fails.

Also, I would like to add that if cyber elfing is cheating, then I’m going to consider everything Nintendo has made since the N64 to be a massive betrayal of my trust, and thus cheating. It’s too bad I have battered gamer’s syndrome and will never leave you.

The Wii-Mote: Just another Power Glove?

Terrence: …What he said, basically. You know, this is almost like writing something, and then rewriting exactly what you wrote but trying to find a different way to say it. The only difference being, I am not the same person as Matt. Apparently. I mean literally.

Well, it’s not like anyone is expecting the Wii to not be a gimmicky piece of shit, so I guess whoever buys one will be up for buying the ridiculous mote thing. I probably will, since I am not much of a gamer and this Wii is apparently supposed to be made just for people like me.

3. It's perfectly reasonable to pay others to game for you.

Matt: OK, I take back what I said earlier. THIS is the most retarded thing I have ever heard. Why anyone would pay someone to make them look lamer is beyond me. That’s right, I’m going there. I am about to take the title as Lord of the Puns with this. Are you ready?

Gamer points? WTF! More like LAMER POINTS.

The more of these points you have, the lamer you look. If you want to look like a jackass, either learn to write like me or pay these hard workers to pump your lamer points. In other words: Yeah, it’s totally reasonable.

Terrence: The reader might like to know that, just before writing this, Matt found out that my gamertag (is that what it’s called? The thing that has the points on it, I mean…oh well I’ll just press the joke) has 50000 gamer points…on it…(If that’s not a lot, add some 0s and reread or something.) That’s right! SexiK1tt13 has more gamer points than lame old Matt Gardner will ever hope to have!

Everyone knows, even if they won’t admit it, that when they see high scoring gamertags they are all like, “holy shit man, that person is so boss I want to do him so bad omg omg too bad hes 12.” So I don’t see why this is even a question. Not only is it reasonable, it’s a friggin’ bargain.

4. Libraries should offer videogames.

Matt: What the hell is a library? Uh… I guess they shouldn’t have them? If you don’t have videogames and want to play some, why wouldn’t you just go to an arcade or something? It’s probably easier to find one of those than it would be to find one of these “libraries.” Besides, I know all of the controllers would be screwed up and not working properly. Broken X buttons and left analog sticks, and they would be STICKY. Any game controller that comes into any sort of public use is always always always 100% going to be sticky. I don’t know why, but that’s how it is. There’s always a better way than going to a library to play videogames.

Dewey Decimal System FTW.

Terrence: No, libraries should not offer videogames. No one is going to go there to play them, so they just shouldn’t be there. Trust me: Only turdy nerd losers go to places where they have reading books at, and no ones be wanting to be a nerd who reads. Leave the games to places like MY HOUSE where I’ll be kicking the asses of all comers! F34r M4i G4m3rT4g!!! SEXIkiTt13 b1tch1z!!111!

5. HD is a must for the new generation of videogames.

Matt: AAAAUGH why are there FIVE OF THESE?!?! I hate you Paul.

Yeah, it’s a must. Why? Because there’s more than one company making videogame crap, and if any reject HD while the others embrace it, they are eventually going to get rejected themselves. When I say HD, I have no idea whatsoever about how it works or anything. I guess if there’s a superHD that others have, they can ignore HD… but they have to make sure that their crap is as pretty as other people’s crap, or at least smells as nice. Woooohooooo.

Terrence: No! I still want to be able to play games on my old-ass TV! I don’t care about all you jackasses who are creaming yourself over your new super TVs; you clearly only care about games secondarily!

There’s two people types: Those who primarily play videogames but need a TV to play them on, and those who primarily are douchebags who want to show off their new TVs, so they buy videogames to do so. Videogame people should be making games for people who primarily are wanting to play them. Which means, the people who save up their money for the expensive-ass systems and can’t afford a new TV every 45 minutes. HD doesn’t matter.

-- Matt Gardner and Terrence Atkins {11-01-2006}