|
On the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I've been ordered to bestow
my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.
-- By
Zack Huffman
Dear Zack,
Now that the Crocodile Hunter has finally been handed the great GAME
OVER, how soon is too soon before my game "When Animals Attack!!!"
can be released (I mean, we don't show the full coverage of him being
chomped just little pieces)?
- Listless and Waiting
Dear Listless,
There is no doubt in my mind that, by the end of 2006, New
Grounds will have hosted at least 20 different games
centered around the theme of Steve Irwin's untimely demise. Almost all of them will be so awful that they compel players to maniacally stab their girlfriends, if they weren't
all so terribly alone.
It's hard to say when it's too soon for a videogame to be released. Capcom
managed to score a hit with the 2003 release of Need for Speed: Paris
Nights, featuring Princess Diana as an unlockable character
after you complete “Smash 'em Up” mode.
Meanwhile, Rockstar
lost tons of cash on last year's failed Grand Theft Holocaust, which
proved to be almost as big a flop as the ill-fated E.T. game for Atari 2600.
My only advice is that you stick to Flash for your game, since that
seems to be the appropriate choice for shitty games centered
around a single unfunny gag.
-Zack
Dear Zack,
I was confronted at a recent gaming con by this girl who said I'm a
lesser gamer for never having played Final Fantasy. I told her about
all the different games I have played, but it was no use. Is she
right? Is it wrong that I've never played a single Final Fantasy game?
Sincerely,
Radical Dreamer
Dear Radical Dreamer,
I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that this girl is
absolutely right; Final Fantasy has long been a staple
for any self-respecting gamer's collection. It's certainly the best
RPG on the NES, especially if you consider the over-rated Dragon
Warrior and Ultima series. Final Fantasy is not only
responsible for saving Squaresoft from bankruptcy, but also for
serving as the inspiration for a very mediocre movie that nerds with
no taste love, and one
terribly shitty movie that was responsible for the death of my former
column, Oh, The
Humanity!.
The good news is that there are only three entries in the Final
Fantasy series that have any relevance, and two of which are
easily obtained from any variety of ROM sites. In order of importance,
they are: the original Final Fantasy for the NES, Final Fantasy III for the SNES, and
Final Fantasy VII for the PlayStation. Gaming street-cred aside, I recommend any of the three,
as they are all good games.
If you really aren't interested enough to try any of the games, don't
worry. Being a "lesser gamer" just means you're more likely to
get laid.
-Zack
--
Zack Huffman
{11-01-2006}
|
