Volume
4, Issue 8 - August 2005 |
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Also Featuring: Sam Evert, Spencer Shawn Minard, ushi, and Stacey Roberts |
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For the longest time I just couldn't play Out of This World, acclaimed side-scroller in which, as one GameFAQs user put it, "failure is almost unavoidable." I was too scared to. Right at the beginning of the game there are these slug-like creatures, nasty little beasts with fang-like claws, who stab you out of nowhere and bring about a rather instant-like death. They're nigh-on impossible to avoid, especially for a ten-year old who's only just recently mastered tying his shoes, and they always gave me a huge jolt. And that's just in the first ten seconds of gameplay. Throughout the entirety of the title there are frequent ways to die without even knowing what happened, causing you to start back several moments ago and leap once again into an unknown death.
The same had always gone for The Adventures of Willy Beamish (which, incidentally, is reviewed in GC this month by Travis Combs), an adventure game that sends you off to military school for cracking wise about the school principal. Or for pushing your little sister too hard on the swingset. Or for not walking your dog enough. There are loads and loads and loads of ways to lose the game without even knowing what's going on, and if you don't save frequently enough, you're losing loads and loads of your time.
I couldn't handle this as a kid. I still can't, really, but back then I was absolutely terrified of losing so easily. Granted, neither of those games would've been rated E for Everyone by the ESRB, so I shouldn't even have been playing them anyway; but the frustration hasn't gotten anymore entertaining with age. It still bugs me when I drown in the first few frames of Out of This World because I haven't quite figured out the swim button yet, even if it it no longer makes me cry into my Smurfs pillowcase. (It's Teen Titans, now.)
Maybe I'm a little too "new school" in my beliefs, but I'm glad the industry's finally gotten away from near-random insta-deaths. You still see it in games like Alien Hominid that have a decidedly retro feel, but for the most part the industry's grown out of that stage. It's nice to see that some good has transpired in the biz over the last fifteen or so years.
At least it's something, eh? Plenty bad has been happening over the last several weeks, but at least we've got that.
Grannies might be purchasing Grant Theft Auto for their 14 year-old grandsons, and then might be livid at an industry that hides consensual sex between two adults in a game about stealing cars, killing police officers, selling drugs and raping prostitutes.
Presidential hopefuls might want to spend millions in taxpayers' money to discover who put consensual sex between two adults in a game about stealing cars, killing police officers, selling drugs and raping prostitutes. (Hint: look at the back of the box.)
People might be upset that, oh my God, consensual sex between two adults was hidden in a game about stealing cars, killing police officers, selling drugs and raping prostitutes, and thus the game was rated for seventeen year-olds instead of eighteen year-olds (because that one year makes all the difference).
Parents might be concerned for the innocence of little Johnny, who'd have to spend a goodly amount of time searching for cheat codes, then purchasing cheat devices, then inputting cheat codes, all in order to unlock the consensual sex between two adults that's hidden in a game about stealing cars, killing police officers, selling drugs and raping prostitutes (because a child who'd go to all that work to unlock sex has a lot of innocence left to save).
But at least the slug-like
creatures won't get us anymore. Or, at least not the same slug-like creatures. 
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
II. 
Letters:
I love Zack Huffman's review of Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. I liked how he made up the whole part about Lara Croft trying to get a magical baby's cradle that will rejuvenate her and that she will have to fight Santa Claus and Hitler along the way.
Sam Evert
My Favourite GameCola this month is paper Mario and I was wondering if you could send me paper Mario for free
Spencer Shawn Minard
- Sure thing! Once people start paying us for all the work put into GameCola,
and once people start sending us games for free (GoldenEye: Rouge Agent
notwithstanding), I'll be glad to... well, no, actually. Even then I'll still
only have one copy of Paper Mario—one that I traded Duke Nukem 64 for—and
you ain't gettin' it. Sorry!
rey mystrio game is my fouvorite game this moth....
ushi
GameCola Fanfiction:
(Yes. GameCola Fanfiction.)
Prologue
"And the answer is… "MR. MAGOO, that’s who!" Eric’s answer to the final Trivial Pursuit Unhinged question echoed through the silence in Ironforge for a moment, just before the final buzzer sounded. All of Ironforge burst into applause and jubilant cheers for their new reigning champion.
"How could this have happened? How could I have lost to… him??" Paul thought, hanging his head in humiliated shame. In the midst of all the chaos, no one seemed to notice as he slipped away, heading towards the Griffons, and a solitary location to plot his revenge…
Six months later….
Paul sits alone, unwashed, unshaven, eating his own hair and babbling incoherently in a dingy basement he discovered far below the surface of the Lion’s Pride Inn, in the small town of Goldshire, deep within the Elwynn Forest.
"Noonecanbeat… How could I have… I am the all knowing champion... REDRUM… Enrique must die… sqeeeeze his head like a puss-bloated blemish until it combusts all over the walls... brains and guts… I shall crush the brain that beat mine and squish it through my fingers… (Paul’s hands make two evil looking blue fists as he continues his rant.) REVENGE will be mine, and I will be Paul the UNHINGED forevermore!!! Muhahahahahahahaha…ha…ha…" *cough*.
With his resolve now very clear Paul proceeds to shave his ragged purple facial hair, which had grown so long over the reclusive months that it now dragged along the ground as he walked. When the transformation was finished he ascended from his dark haven and reentered life above ground. The residents of Goldshire had all heard rumors of the shamed night elf warrior who had taken refuge in the basement of their town’s inn, but had never actually been able to catch a glimpse of the mysterious recluse. But now here he was, among them, looking quite normal indeed… Curious onlookers gathered around all wondering what was to happen next.
Onlookers: (In hushed voices back and fourth) "What is he doing here?" … "That’s him, the one that lost the tournament…" …"What could he want…" …"Shhhh!! Everyone quiet! I think he’s about to say something…"
Paul: "My friends! My fellow warriors, as you know I was beaten by Eric in the Trivial Pursuit Unhinged tournament many months ago, and I was forced underground in shame. Now I am back, and ready to seek my REVENGE!! (He roars with bestial vigor and the crowd erupts into wild cheers for their new found hero.) Spread the word that I will be training with the elders in Darnassus, before making my way to Ironforge to formally challenge my nemesis to a rematch….to the death…"
(The crowd roars its approval clapping excitedly in anticipation of the duel.)
Meanwhile, in Ungoro Crater…
Eric the UNHINGED and his band of merry but merciless elves ride swiftly through the lush foliage striking down all life that opposed them.
Eric the UNHINGED: "Huzza! My lethal friends, now that I am the reigning champion of Trivial Pursuit Unhinged, the peons of Azeroth shall bow before us, tremble at the very mention of my great name, for I am unstoppable!" (Eric saps a passing Tyrant Devilsaur, leaving the huge reptile staggering and shrieking in anger, its piercing cries causing the surrounding creatures to flee from the giant’s vicinity in wild panic.)
Eric and his friends enjoy a hearty laugh over the trouble one stealthy move seemed to cause, but the lighthearted moment is quickly over when the group spies yet another comrade moving toward them, a troubled look in his glowing yellow eyes.
Eric the UNHINGED: "Matt, my friend, what brings you all the way to Ungoro? Last I heard you had taken permanent refuge in Ironforge…"
Matt: "That’s true; you know I had to seek refuge there after angering the stronger of the Horde one too many times… there’s quite a hefty price on my head these days." (He scoffs bitterly at the thought of the Horde killing him… of all the night elves in the land… ha!)
Eric the UNHINGED: "How high is the price now, my long-eared brother? Perhaps we can hand you over for a few silver pieces?" (The others snicker softly at this, each afraid to bring about Matt’s haughty temper.)
Matt: (Giving the group a half smirk.) "Laugh now, but you won’t have that sense of humor when you hear the news I have come all the way out here to bring you… of course if you’d rather make jokes, I can always catch the next Griffon back to Ironforge…"
Eric the UNHINGED: (Trying to keep a straight face.) "No, no, that won’t be necessary my friend; what news do you have for me?"
Matt: "There is word that Paul has resurfaced, and is in Darnassus seeking training with the elders…"
Eric the UNHINGED: "Since when is that considered cause for alarm? It’s good that he’s honing his skills; it’s something we all need to do sometime."
Matt: "Rumor has it he’s not just honing his skills… he’s training for a rematch against you in Ironforge… but more than that, he wants a fight... to the death…"
(The others look at each other in surprise and whisper amongst themselves.)
Eric the UNHINGED: (Frowning in thought.) "Hmmm… I had no idea he had taken losing to me that hard… Although I am unbeatable, and that’s bound to send any common elf over the edge..." (He smiles at this, feeling his confident nature rise once again.) "If it’s a fight he’s looking for, I suppose we should head for Ironforge; I wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone."
The group heads for Ironforge, unaware that Paul was already there awaiting the arrival of his opponent…
Ironforge was buzzing with life as news of the pending match between Eric the UNHINGED, and his former Trivial Pursuit opponent who was hell-bent on getting his revenge. When the two duelers finally arrived there was barely room to stand. Eric and Paul entered on opposite sides of the giant complex, and made their way to the front entrance, the only place where dueling was permitted.
Eric spied Paul standing off to the side of the main path just outside the Ironforge gates; he seemed to be meditating in preparation for battle.
Hmm, Eric thought, If I can just stealth and deliver one Cheap Shot I should have the upper hand… at least for now… (He stealths quietly before anyone notices his presence and sneaks into position behind the warrior who is carefully sharpening his Arcanite Reaper.)
The crafty rogue strikes Paul from behind with both Blackvenom Blades, instantly realizing this was not a wise move. The sound of steel against steel rips through the cold winter-like air, as the blades shatter into a million unrecognizable pieces. Paul gives a surprised yell and lurches forward from the impact.
Paul: "AAAHHRRG!"
In one powerful movement he recovers, and swings his newly sharpened blade around clean through the attacker's neck, before letting it come to rest on the ground.
Eric’s severed head seemed to fall to the ground in slow motion. It took Paul a moment to fully realize what had happened as the crowd went deathly silent, thoroughly shocked and chilled to the bone by what they had just witnessed. Paul looked down at the now blood-covered head of his enemy as reality began to sink in.
I WON, he thought.
Paul the UNHINGED: (Picking up Enrique’s head by the hair and raising it high above his own for all to see.) "BEHOLD!!" he yelled. "VICTORY IS MINE; YOU ARE ALL WITNESS TO MY VINDICATION!!!"
The spectators roared their approval, applauding the victorious warrior. It may have been a short battle, but it was something everyone would be chattering about for a long time to come.
Paul the UNHINGED was suddenly struck with the desire to dispose of the trophy head he now held in his hand. Without giving it a second thought he moved toward the entrance to Ironforge, the crowd parting and saluting respectfully as he made his way inside. He made his way through the complex and into The Great Forge; stopping at the metal railing that protected the massive lava pit below. He peered down into the pit for a moment, marveling at the great sea of fire before launching Enrique’s head into the flames and watching it disintegrate instantly.
Paul stood for a moment before turning to head back to The Commons area of Ironforge. I wonder if anyone’s up for a game of Trivial Pursuit Unhinged… he thought, chuckling softly to himself as he set off to find his next challenge.
- Stacey Roberts
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This is your place to shine, readers! Send us just about anything, and chances are we'll paste it in here. Letters, artwork, poetry, photographs, comic strips, fanfiction—anything you can think of, you send it to us, and we'll put it in an upcoming issue. Sound good? e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net |
In this day and age, large companies hold monopolies on many things. Microsoft is one of the most well known examples, GM and Ford are at about the same level, and for the handheld gaming market, Nintendo holds all the aces. But could this be on the verge change?
Finnish mobile phone giant Nokia is looking to enter the lucrative handheld market with it’s cleverly named N-Gage. This cute little bit of hardware claims to do many things. It can be used like any other mobile to make calls, it plays MP3s, it has an FM Receiver, and most importantly, it plays games. Specifications have not yet been released, but word from Nokia is that it’s much more powerful than the Game Boy Advance, and that the N-Gage can also handle 3D graphics. But what does this mean for the savvy consumer? This would mean an all-in-one machine. This would mean not having to carry your phone, MP3 player, and your Game Boy separately. This little gem will do the lot.
I, for one, think Nintendo will have to do something pretty special to keep their current stranglehold on the gaming market with this little beast coming out very soon. More details as they come...
IV. 
For those wondering how our ratings system works, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to our reviews.
Our crack review squad* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:
Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced while playing a video game,
Audio - the music and sound effects of a video game,
Controls - the physical means by which a video game is played,
Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a video game, and
Replay Value - a video game's worth in playing after completion.
Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, as they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.
Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being the absolute rock-bottom, epitome of all awfulness, five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.
The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.
Got it? Now you can go ahead and see what we have to say this month.
*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.
Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.
(Please note: GameCola welcomes
its readers to send in their reviews of any games we've yet to cover.
Please keep in mind, however, that we do not currently review PC titles, and as
such, we will be unable to publish any PC game reviews that you send us.
Thanks!)
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre:
This month, I've actually run out of negative adjectives and adjective phrases. Seriously. I've got nothing. Being that my review for this month is of Cool World, I'm in a bit of a bind. So, for this review I've decided to replace everything negative that I have to say with positivity. So just remember that when I say something like, "The game was quite enjoyable" what I really mean is, "It was the video game equivalent of forced sodomy with a syphilitic Christmas tree."
In 1992, Cool World was unleashed upon an
unsuspecting American public, who had no idea that viewing said movie would
result in their very souls being burned through their eye sockets. It was
actually one of the better films from that year. It took a whole other year for
Ocean to condense such
magic into an NES cartridge.
Cool World is another game in a long line of licensed video games that goes against the model of excessive playability and over-done coherence. Gamers of today have been spoiled by video games that are way too easy. It takes too little effort to figure out what's going on, and there's never any confusion as to what your goal is in the game. Cool World offers a gaming experience where trying to figure out what's going on is most of the fun. The game doesn't hold your hand with simplistic differentiation between enemies and items that you can pick up.
The play control is also out of the ordinary, in that two entirely different features are controlled by the press of the same button. Whether your character attacks or ducks is left up to random chance. This creates a situation where the player doesn't even know what their character is going to do next. The greater element of surprise is not something that is easily found in contemporary video games that hyper-emphasize controller-response to a degree to induces boredom in its lack of spontaneity.
The level design is a breath of fresh air, and a change of pace from the stale convention of beatable levels. Cool World allows players to choose between four different levels that all lack an ending. There is not a single level in the game that is burdened with tasks other than erase enemies or suck them into your pen. Since there is no ending, you don't spend your time anxiously wondering if the level was over or not. Until you actively shut off your Nintendo, the level is never over. Ultimately, this leaves the player with total control of when his or her game will end.
Most modern video game make use of the same tired old trend of incorporated music. This is yet another area where Cool World goes against the flow of the mainstream. By definition, music is sound that has been organized into cohesive rhythms. The problem with this is that the sounds adopt a discernible pattern, and cease to be surprising. Once you recognize the pattern, you can figure out what's coming next. Cool World takes not a step, but a giant leap past the boring, rhythmic tunes of yesteryear. The game's music is full of midi-generated tones that lack all signs of organization, making for a post-modernist feel to the soundtrack.
My time is very valuable to me, and often I
find that I dislike a game for keeping me occupied for long stretches of time.
Thankfully, I only had to dedicate several minutes of my life to get enough
sense of Cool World to write review of it. In fact, it was such an orgasmically
enlightening gaming experience that I no longer have even the remotest inkling
of desire to expend any more of my precious time with the game.
Nintendo
Entertainment System:
Cool World |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
1.2
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| 0 | 1 | 3 | 2 | 0 | |
Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre:
I remember back when
Aladdin came out for the 16-bit consoles. The magazines seemed to think it was
nice enough, but there was no way a cynical teenager with a very tight budget
like myself was going to buy it. I recently came across the Sega Genesis and
Super Nintendo Entertainment System versions of Aladdin, and I was pleasantly
surprised. A word that comes to mind when trying to articulate what charmed me
about this game is ''pure.''
Don't let the big-name license fool you. Although I'm the
first one to write off Disney games as crap until I have a very good reason to
give them a second look, Aladdin is one of the rare gems. Right up there with
the likes of Mickey Mania, Disney's Aladdin is an example of what can happen
when the right financial motivation (the license) and a company that actually
cares whether the game itself sucks or not (in this case, none other than
Capcom) team up. This is one of the last fruits of the very beautiful
relationship between Disney and Capcom.
You most likely know the story of Aladdin and his magic lamp.
If you don't, then you're really out of touch with fairy tales AND pop culture,
making me envy and worry about you. Anyway, the plot is something along these
lines: A poor guy named Aladdin falls in love with a princess and then something
stupid happens, causing him to end up 
with
a magic lamp with a wisecracking genie inside who'll grant him three wishes. But
a presumably-not-very-poor but evil guy named Jafar wants to get the lamp so
that he can use the three wishes to wish for evil stuff, like maybe a 3DO. And
then the poor guy saves the day and makes out with the lady PG-13 style happily
ever after, the end. But it doesn't really matter, because this game isn't about
the story. And it's pretty hacked-up from the original movie, and poorly
translated as well, so you'd do fine to simply skip all the corny intermission
text anyway.
The basic set of moves for our hero whispers of a primitive
Earthworm Jim and an evolved Prince of Persia. (I even half-expected to see Dave
Perry's name in the credits [though partly because of an erroneous association
in my memory].) Latching on to a pole or similar object in the 2D background and
swinging back and forth to propel yourself forward is a large portion of the
meat of this gameplay. You can also jump on enemies or pots while holding down
the jump button to bounce higher upward. To supplement, have a sack of apples
you can toss to dizzy or defeat enemies or to remove obstacles. The ambulation
itself entails walking, running, sliding, jumping and long-jumping. It's
actually quite Mario-esque, only with larger sprites.
Some alternate styles are added to the mix for variation,
mainly consisting of auto-scrolling levels, carpet-ride levels, and a special
''wheel-of-fortune'' style bonus game you can access by finding a special item
in the main game for various prizes.
Do
you remember sprites? And multi-level scrolling backgrounds? Beautiful,
hand-drawn animation? Why did we ever have to move beyond 2D?!
These feelings of nostalgia come with the territory of
playing a gorgeous game like this for the first time. Aladdin is simply some of
Capcom's finest 2D work. The amount of detail brought forth in each of the
characters is really spectacular considering the resolution of the sprites; they
actually look like Disney characters. And the animation is quite above par.
You'll scarcely want even one more frame.
The
graphics are mostly simple, but have plenty of vibrant character to them. From
the little extras that the cute monkey that follows you around presents (he'll
knowingly grin and take a bite out of apple sometimes) to the unification of the
foreground graphics with the background (like the attention to detail in the
flying lava rocks in the fire stages), it's obvious that somebody invested
plenty of time in making these cartoony graphics hold your interest. The game
also utilizes the some nice zooming and morphing effects in a few places,
without looking too out of place.
The control scheme of this game is standard fare, but the
control itself is solid and responsive. The buttons are laid out very naturally,
and no adjustment is required. You run, jump, toss, and float through a simple
engine, and very seldom can you even give a "pfft!" to the controller.
The controls turn on a dime, and are on your side rather than the side of the
difficulty level (a rarer thing these days).
The sounds are above average. They do their job well, but
don't exactly steal the show. The obligatory *jump* sound and all his friends
are here, and Aladdin has a voice or two that he uses when he takes damage.
Roaring fire and slashing swords all sound nice, and none of the beeps or clicks
related to items or menus sound annoying. Just don't expect anything
groundbreaking.
The voices (that’s instrument voices, not human voices, for
the uninitiated) used for Aladdin's music are just wonderful. A good example of
this can be observed in the parts of the game that feature memorable music from
the movie. It's recreated faithfully, and sounds almost orchestrated.
The major downfall of this game is that it's too easy. Any
serious gamer can finish it in one sitting. (I beat it the first time without
even realizing that the 'R' button was usable!) But Capcom has saved the day (to
some extent) by adding slightly hard-to-get red jewels to the levels. The more
commendable challenge in this game can be found in this. There is a given number
of red jewels to be found throughout the game, and at the end of the game you
can rank yourself by seeing what percentage you found and then attempting to get
more and more of these. (Also, you have to do it without using a continue). If
you get enough, you can see a different ending and get that special feeling you
get when you truly master a game.
To revisit my original statement, Disney's... sorry, Capcom's
Aladdin is a ''pure'' platform game. You master a set of a few simple moves,
scroll through some (in this case only mildly) challenging scenarios, beat the
final boss, grin widely, and then try to become better at it.
I can't say I would have ever actively tried to obtain this
title, but I am VERY glad I came across it. If you don't own it, you'd be silly
not to find a 5-10 dollar copy of it on E-bay. Take off your license-judging
goggles and give Aladdin a fair chance. Anyone remotely inclined to enjoy
platformers shouldn't be disappointed.
Sega
Genesis:
Disney's Aladdin
|
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.2
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| 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 6 | |
Platform: Sega CD
Genre:
Adventure
# of Players:
1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release:
February 2994
Developer:
Dynamix
Publisher: Sierra On-Line
Here are some of the things I did while waiting for this blazingly fast 1x speed CD-ROM to load a level:
Tootsweet. Tootsweet has a nefarious plan to take over the city and let
Willy’s dad take the fall. It’s up to Willy to find out what’s going on,
and while he’s at it practice for the upcoming Nintari championship, enter his
frog into a frog-jumping contest and win over the girl he likes. That’s pretty
much it. But talk about gorgeous graphics. Hand drawn and animated, the
backgrounds of these locations are lush masterpieces. The character designs,
unfortunately, suck balls. Willy himself is such a damn product of his time he
might as well travel around via pogo-ball while singing Milli Vanilli.
* At certain points the ghost of your dead grandfather appears, dressed from head to toe in a fruity train conductor outfit complete with striped suspenders and creepy old-style conductor hat. How grandpa died is never really explained, although I’d like to think his family killed him because he wouldn’t change his clothes.
* Okay, get this: it’s the beginning of day two and your totally hot older sister Tiffany is upstairs taking a bath. She starts whining to your mom about needing some conditioner, so your mom tells you to go get her some. I check out a guide and discover it’s in the bathroom on the counter. Where your sister is taking her bath. Apparently the lazy bitch can’t be bothered to stand up and lean over and get it off the counter. I go upstairs, into the bathroom and toss her the conditioner. Ahhh, but then I have to get the key to my Nintari system from her, so I open my backpack and click on my toad Horny and he goes flying off into the bathtub to divert her attention. She freaks and stands up COMPLETELY NAKED IN FRONT OF HER TEN-YEAR-OLD BROTHER. She makes no move to cover herself; she’s just pissed about Horny. Now, I’m all for incest; I think it brings a family much closer; I just thought she’d, you know, have a little shame or something. Oh, and it made me want to hump my TV. screen, too.
* The tree house that I share with my carefully cultural friends puts Swiss Family Robinson’s to shame. Who built this goddamn tree mansion? Oh, and Dana—the girl I like—is a hot slut. She looks exactly like a young Holly Would from Cool World.
* When you, say, open your backpack and try to click on something to use it, there is absolutely no corresponding beep or boop or click or noise to let you know the button has connected successfully. Couple that with the fact that it takes literally 10-25 seconds for anything to happen and your guess is as good as mine as to whether your game froze or you just discovered you have the ability to stop time.
* Here’s a scene that gave me goddamn nightmares. Late in day two, you end up with a babysitter. You’re at the table eating macaroni and cheese, and out of nowhere your tasty mac and cheese turns into a bowl of squirming maggots. You throw it in her face and she transforms from a kindly young woman into a hell-fire shrieking devil bat that chases you around the house trying to eat your yummy little-boy soul. It took me 11 tries to click on the correct pixel to suck her into the vacuum cleaner. Do you know how many resets and, consequently, large chunks of my life that was wasted staring at the loading screens?
Sega
CD:
The Adventures of Willy Beamish
|
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7.6
|
| 8 | 9 | 8 | 8.5 | 4.5 | |
Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre:
I really can’t decide what the best part of this game was. It comes down to either the animated intros to each of the dinosaurs/humans you play as (which are super cool and well-done), or the DreamWorks logo in the beginning, where the little boy on the moon says “I got something!” and is then pulled off the moon to the sounds of hungry velociraptors. Unfortunately, a game cannot stand on presentation alone, and the gameplay is definitely where this game falls apart.
PlayStation:
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
|
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
4
|
| 4 | 5 | 3 | 5 | 3 | |
Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre:
Somewhere, somehow, somewhen, a board of marketing gurus was trying to come across the Next Big Thing for gaming. They'd already discussed a Pet Rock video game, and decided that the Pet Rock didn't have enough of a 'tude, or wasn't "edgy" enough, or something along those x-treme lines of thought.. They also thought about making a based on the Chia Pet, but the Chia Pet, it was decided, was a little too "old school" for today's gamers; watching grass grow is "SO yesterday," they were quoted as saying. So after debating a few other ideas (Creepy Crawlers, Lite Brite, Mr. Potato Head, etc.), they finally hit upon gaming gold. A license totally untapped. A market totally unreached. A game that would indubitably sell millions upon millions, and hit that ever-sought "18-24" demographic.
That license, that game, was Sea-Monkeys, for YOUR Sony PlayStation. Nothing sells video games like brine shrimp, you see.
To me (and to
many others, no doubt), The Amazing Virtual Sea-Monkeys is little more than an
underwater Lemmings poser. The goal of Sea-Monkeys is to navigate the depths of
your aquarium in a submarine smaller than a snitch, and lead the brine shrimp to
this magical seashell, which no doubt
transports them to some magical land where magical busty female brine shrimp
feed them magical grapes and fan them with magical palm tree leaves. Or
something like that. The reason the
brine shrimp must leave this aquarium is never fully explained, though it most
likely has to do with all the killer death goldfish, aquatic venus fly traps, and various
other
enemies
scampering about that you'd never catch underwater in any practical universe. If you
lead the Sea-Monkeys to safety too slowly, you lose; and interestingly, if you
lead them to safety too quickly, you also lose. This is because before the
Sea-Monkeys can visit their magical seashell you must suck up all the level's goldfish
with your submarine's dustbuster. Otherwise, I imagine, the goldfish would all
swarm around the magical seashell and tip it over, port-o-potty style, before it
had time to transport the Sea-Monkeys to their magical grape villa.
For a game based on a pet you could purchase off the back of most minor comic books, Sea-Monkeys has a lot going on. It apparently takes a "quantity over quality" approach to video games, offering 70 levels of not much more than vacuuming up your goldfish, ordering snails to eat grass, and chasing your brine shrimp around with angry crabs. After about the fortieth level you'll have experienced just about all this game has to offer.
Also for a game based on a pet you could purchase off the back of most minor comic books, Sea-Monkeys is hard. We're not talking a Ghosts 'n' Goblins level of difficulty here, but come on now. No game calling itself "The Amazing Virtual Sea-Monkeys" has any right to be difficult; can we agree on that? It hurts to lose at Sea-Monkeys. It's humiliating. And it happens fairly often, because Sea-Monkeys features instant-death in the form of various fish that can apparently destroy your submarine by absent-mindedly swimming into it. Losing all your lives doesn't matter much because you can restart the game from any level you've already reached (giving the game a nice pick-up-and-play touch), but it just leaves a bad taste in your mouth when you fail at a game based on Sea-Monkeys.
For a price, you can actually skip levels in Sea-Monkeys. But that can only happen if you have enough points to spend to skip the level; and you probably won't have earned enough points, seeing as you're bad enough at the game that you'd even need to skip one in the first place. And you'll want to save those points, anyway! Unlike far too many games, The Amazing Virtual Sea-Monkeys actually saves your high scores, for both each individual level, and for the game as a whole. You know you want the bragging rights.
Each level in the game is a 2D underwater domain, each one varying in size. There are two different camera angles: a close-up of your submarine, and an interesting widescreen shot of the environ as a whole. You can also scroll through the entire arena and see whatever part you want whenever you want; though you can't do this while the game is paused. The smaller levels tend to be much easier because there aren't nearly so many ways for you or your Sea-Monkeys to die; and, interestingly, those levels end up being the most fun. Perhaps because instant-death is as horrible in this game as it does in every other game that employs it.
Controls aren't
nearly as precise as this game demands. I don't care how underwater
the environment is; if I need to turn on a dime in order to avoid collision, and
thus expiration, with a completely harmless goldfish, I want precise
controls, not ones that float all over the place. Turning around is also more
complicated than one should expect. Maybe they were going for realism; but
realism in a game in which you can pick up (with your aquatic dustbuster) a fish
that emits light, and thus be chased around by Sea-Monkeys, is kind of a moot
point.
Less palate-swapping could've helped this game enormously, if for nothing else it'd stop me from forgetting what each of the items do. Honestly, when one item puts a protective forcefield around my Sea-Monkeys, and another makes them go faster, and another makes them act for a barrier for the other Sea-Monkeys, I'm going to need something other than color to differentiate the various item's uses. Red balls and yellow balls don't cut it.
Levels all look pretty much the same, though I've gotta admit I like the character models for the Sea-Monkeys. This is because the Sea-Monkeys in this game actually look like the Sea-Monkeys on the box; whereas real Sea-Monkeys are more akin to this period:. Every kid who's ever made his parents order Sea-Monkeys has been disappointed that the Sea-Monkeys look absolutely nothing like they do on the box (no purple skin, no crowns, no NOTHING!), so at least this can be said for The Amazing Virtual Sea-Monkeys: it makes dreams come true.
The music in Sea-Monkeys reminds me of Ribbit King, with its oddly simple score seemingly influenced by primitive computer beeps. There are only a handful of different tunes that you hear throughout the 70 levels; but I suppose if the levels all look the same, they'd might as well sound the same, too. As far as sound effects are concerned, your submarine's dustbuster lets out a ferocious "quack" whenever you suck up a goldfish, and that's about as far as I could get before remembering that hearing Olympic hero Kurt Angle sing about how much he doesn't suck on my WWE Originals CD would probably be more entertaining (though about equal, quality-wise.)
The Amazing Virtual Sea-Monkeys, surprisingly, is actually more entertaining than mildew. (I had low expectations.) It's frustrating as frustrating can be to die over and over again because your submarine doesn't turn quickly enough to avoid all the God mode-enabled fishies; but if you're good enough, that won't be an issue. If you're good at this style of game, you won't have to feel so awful about yourself for losing at Sea-Monkeys, so you could, potentially, have a good time with it. I'd recommend this game to anyone who's a fan of the "lead these creatures hell-bent on killing themselves to some form of safety" genre of video games, because goodness knows there's a lot of you out there.
To the rest of
us, stay away. Stay far away. Everything about Sea-Monkeys absolutely screams
"budget title," and it isn't even good for a laugh. After the first
few levels the novelty of playing a game based on brine shrimp wears totally
thin, and all you're left with is a game based on the worst mission in every
other game. Lemmings has this fault too, but in least in Lemmings, you've got
loveable characters that actually do what they're told to do, and who are
thoroughly entertaining to watch explode. Sea-Monkeys works pretty good as a
conversation piece, or as a way to defeat your friend in the upcoming
"Who Has the Strangest Licensed Game?" competition; but other than
that, you could be spending that four bucks on Magic: The Gathering cards.
PlayStation:
The Amazing Virtual Sea-Monkeys
|
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
2.8
|
| 2.5 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 2.5 | |
Platform: Microsoft Xbox
Genre:
Golf. Isn’t too interesting, is it? I mean, to play it’s a good laugh, a bit of exercise, and you can take out your stress on an inanimate bit of plastic. To watch, not quite so interesting. Unless you’re watching people play Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005—then, you’re guaranteed to piss yourself laughing.
My fiancées first reaction when I bought this game was “Golf? But that’s boring!” Then she actually played it and I haven’t been able to get on it since. I’ve only got two controllers for my Xbox, and our neighbour is addicted to it as well dammit!
Seriously—I had no idea a golf game could be this good.
You start off at the beginning of your career as a novice (obviously), and you
earn some money for each game you win. This
money can be used to upgrade your skills, your clubs, and, to my fiancées
delight, you can buy new clothing and accessories. There are quite literally
hundreds (possibly thousands, I can’t be arsed counting) of items you can buy
to customize your player. Each item has a modifier level as well. For example,
you can buy a piece of string you wear as a lucky bracelet, which brings your
luck up a bit. This area is where a sizable chunk of your winnings will be
spent. The rest will be spent upgrading you skills (which will get extremely
expensive towards the end).
You can also spend quite literally hours getting your player looking the way you want. You can tweak pretty much everything! If your nose is a bit too big, or you want more freckles, or you want a different hair style/colour, go for it. This part is completely free (well, you can buy new hair colour and stuff, but that’s optional) so you can fiddle until you’ve got a digital doppelganger to play with. My only gripe is that the male and female faces have very slight facial structures no matter what you do, which sort of freaks me out; but as I said, it’s a minor thing which doesn’t affect the overall gameplay.
Now we move onto the gameplay. This game is so deep you won’t believe. Just when you thought you’d played everything it has to offer, you try something you hadn’t noticed before, and you get hooked on that for another bloody five hours! One good example is the minigame T-I-G-E-R. The layout in front of you has about 20 holes, each in different locations at different elevations, and each has a set of rings around it. You have to get as close to the bull’s-eye as possible. If you land anywhere on the rings, the person you’re playing against has to equal or better that shot, or they get a letter. So basically it’s H-O-R-S-E golf style, and it’s incredibly addictive.
Another mode is Legend Pursuit, where you play nine or 18 holes against famous golfers, past and present. Winning these matches can earn you lots of things. You can (obviously) earn a bucket-load of cash, but you can also upgrade your status and unlock new courses. Of course, you aren’t going to beat all of them first go, which can be frustrating when it comes down to the last hole and you bugger up your last putt; but that’s all part of the game, ain’t it?
Seriously, I can’t explain every mode that you can do in this game because it’ll take up about 5-10 pages, but just know this: There is an absolute shit-load of replay value in this baby. The controls are a bit of a mixed bag at first, with them being a little bit complicated, but give it say 20 minutes and you’ll have the controls sussed. There is a tutorial, which is really quite helpful for when you first start, but you really have to play a round or two to get the hang of it.
This game not only plays like... ummm... something really good, but it looks and sounds the part as well.
Everything is smooth and clearly defined. There’s an extremely rare drop in the frame-rate, but not so much that it affects the gameplay at all. All the famous golfers look (quite freakishly) like their real-life counterparts, and all the courses have been beautifully recreated. My only minor gripe would be that the trees/shrubs look extremely murky up-close, and sometimes change colour when the ball flies by. But that’s just nit-picking.
The sound is pretty close to perfect, with some damn catchy tunes for the menus (though you will get sick of the Outkast one, as it gets played too many times). The in-game sound is highly enjoyable, with only the commentary, the background noises, and the *thwock* of your club hitting your ball. The commentary is well done, with some pretty damn funny comments on some of your “not-so-good” shots.
If you love
golf, you’ll love this game. If you don’t love golf (like me), then you
should love this game regardless. I’m hanging out for PGA 2006, for sure...
Microsoft
Xbox:
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005
|
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
9.04
|
| 9.3 | 8.8 | 8.6 | 9.1 | 9.4 | |
Platform: Sony PlayStation Portable
Genre:
Untold Legends: Brotherhood of the Blade is one of those games that makes me think that somewhere out there people are listening in on my private conversations about video games in order to make video games that I, and as a result everyone else who is cool… I don’t know how to end this sentence; let’s try a period. My point is this: This game has a lot of stuff I wish all action RPGs had. And I don’t feel like running off boring bits about its graphics or sound effects or whatever (just look at the scores I gave and figure out for yourself what I think of each category), so I am just going to list the things this game has that all games in the same genre should have, and likewise things the genre needs that this game did not have. *breath*
only 3-4 hairstyle/color choices and some other minor things. They do let you
name your own character though, which is to be expected with these sorts of
games, and is a severe minus to games that don’t have it. I’m looking at
you, Dark Alliance. The customizable looks is similar to what you can do in the
Champions games, minus the ability to choose gender. As far as customizing
skills goes, however, it is a good deal easier to make a unique character than
it is in the Champions games. For instance, you can easily make two completely
different characters of the same class by making one specialize in ranged
weapons and the other in melee. There are enough skills and enough of a lack of
skill points to make it so that every character won’t have every skill.
PlayStation
Portable:
Untold Legends - Brotherhood of the Blade
|
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8
|
| 9 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 9 | |
You asked for it, and boy, did you ever get it! Terrence Atkins is here drawing the keywords YOU Googled to discover GameCola.
captain planet motives
i sure do wish i knew if there was gonna be a super smash bros three i sure do
video games pain in forearm
what color is john cena's bedroom
what noises do penguins make while getting shafted
Chapter Twenty-Five
Rivers: I know we have plenty of dried cabbages left on our ship, but maybe we should stock up on some food before leaving for our next destination, wherever that may be.
Narrator: So they... went to get some food.
Render & Spoonlad: Are you serious?!
Enrique: Damn.
Rivers: I wasn’t all that hungry…
Jonathan: It’s too late for that now; we have to go grocery shopping.
Render: Wow, this kind of sucks.
Narrator: Like the readers! BURN.
Enrique: I think they made the right decision.
Render: You would. You just didn’t get the entertainment value of that spoon humping your leg thing.
Enrique: That was NOT entertaining!
Spoonlad: Oh yes it was! Exhilarating!
Jonathan: It’s okay, Enrique. You at least can rest easy knowing that this is Spoonlad’s last day here.
Spoonlad: WHAT?!
Render: Did you not understand what we were talking about just a minute ago? You’re done. They don’t like you, and they voted you away.
Rivers: Seriously, I can wait till the next rest stop… we don’t need to go out of our way to get food…
Spoonlad: Well damn.
Jonathan: Sorry, buddy.
Narrator: And so the group parted ways with Spoonlad, never to see him again. I hope you all are very pleased with yourselves.
Render: And to think, we never even got to see Enrique and him in bed together… There would have been some amazing spooning puns there, let me tell you.
Rivers: Guess we’ll just have to go to an island with different utensils next time.
Jonathan: Yea, and then instead of seeing some sweet spooning action we can see some hot
Render: KNIFING!
Jonathan: Exactly!
Rivers: Well, that settles it. We have to get Enrique in a knife fight.
Enrique: Nice.
Narrator: They went to a bar! A bar in the mean part of town, down and dirty baby.
Rivers: This one looks promising.
Jonathan: Bad Dudes 'r' Us?
Render: Well, as long as there’s knives here.
Narrator: And then: they went in.
Render: Uhh…
Rivers: Heey, bitchin’ beat, man!
Jonathan: Oh my…
Enrique: WHAT KIND OF BAR IS THIS?!?! WHY NAKED COWBOYS AND BRAWNY GUYS WITH HANDLEBAR MUSTACHES… with other guys using the handlebars as… OH MY GOD!
Render: Well, time to go.
Rivers: But this is my song!
Jonathan: Wait… is that… it is!
Render: It’s him.
Narrator: Before they could leave, him made eye contact.
Him: Ah… hey guys… this is awkward. I didn’t know you were into this kind of thing.
Jonathan: Actually, it seems to be just Rivers who is into this "scene."
Rivers: Y-M-C-A, it’s fun to stay at the…
Render: Yeah…
Enrique: Moo.
Narrator: When the moo sounds, you know the party is over. They all left because him is not allowed to be in the series anymore.
Render: Okay. It’s now like 1:46 and we still haven’t gotten Enrique into a knife fight.
Enrique: You fight me.
Render: What?
Enrique: You heard me, bitch. Bring it.
Render: Oh hell no. No you did NOT just say that.
Enrique: I said it, and I’ll say it again. Bring it, bitch, or I’ll bring it to you.
Render: Oh that’s IT. Now it’s on.
Narrator: But they didn’t have any knives!
Rivers: I’m a wee bit freaked out right now.
Jonathan: Don’t worry, I’ve got you.
Render: Jump, jump, jump!
Enrique: It’s a rush man, do it!
Narrator: So they went to the store to go get some knives.
Render: Store’s closed! It’s 1:46 like I said!
Narrator: Okay, fine. They went back to the boat.
???: I hear you are looking for Knives. It just so happens I’m looking for him, too.
Render: We don’t have time for crossovers Vash; get the hell out of here.
Vash: Yes sir…
???: So you want a knife fight, eh? I’ve got some special knives you could use.
Enrique: As long as they are sharp enough to stab his bitch ass, I don’t care how "special" they are.
???: These knives aren’t normal knives… anyone who becomes stabbed by one of them… will die.
Rivers: Don’t normal knives also kill you when you are stabbed with them?
???: With normal knives its only like 10% death. These knives have a 100% kill rating.
Crew: oooOOOOoooohh….
Enrique: Good times.
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Fight Fight Fight!
Enrique: It’s on like Donkey Kong, fool.
Render: I’m going to stab you in the eye.
Stop This!
WAR: Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?
I’m sorry I Suck So Much and Voted to Remove Spoonlad From the Series.
Readers all over the world, with joined hands in a love train: Spoonlad thing, I think I love you.
Yoooo listen up, here’s a story, about a little girl who… made an adventure game… except not really because she had no idea what she was doing, and well, yeah. The end.
This month’s edition of TestGame.exe: Making the Adventure adds some stunning new aspects to the game you’ve watched grow from a tiny seedling to a… slightly larger seedling. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got action, we’ve got suspense, we’ve got giant colorless monsters, we’ve got death and destruction, and most of all, we’ve got sunglasses.
Some of you may remember the new section of this article introduced last month. Well, apparently I didn’t do a thorough enough job, because some people (*cough* GC’s Eric Regan. Jeez, who hires these people?) still couldn’t seem to solve the only puzzle in the game thus far. So here we have the new and improved:
OFFICIAL TESTGAME.EXE WALKTHROUGH
**Warning!!! Spoilers! Spoilers!**
Paul encounters a locked door. To unlock the door, open the left hand drawer in the desk in the room, and pick up all the items until you find a key.
Use the key to unlock the door. By which I mean the following: Pick up the key. Select the key in your inventory (using the little arrow cursor). Click on the door while your cursor still looks like a key. Open the door.
Be happy.
**You may now begin reading again if you were avoiding spoilers, which you weren’t, because you’re smart readers who can open doors.**
Enough silliness. Here’s the game!
(no extra
programs needed to run this file)
Things to do/new features of note:
Walk to the left side of the third screen. Yep, there’s a room there! A new one! Enter and be amazed!
And speaking of new things... New character! Not voiced yet, or animated, or even drawn really… but he’s there, I promise!
And a new item! Wooo!
Dialogue! Lizo learned how to make dialogue! :) (And it’s LucasArts style… hope you’re all happy.)
A revamped second screen. No more strangely zoomed in Paul (although there’s still nothing to do there…).
Three words: Paul can die. There’s only one place where this can happen now, and bonus points to whoever can find it. So you may want to start saving, or else you’ll lose all the progress you’ve made in this massive and complex game so far!
Upcoming tasks for Lizo:
Stupid plot, stupid map, stupid narration. We hates them all!
Some more stuff, mostly having to do with drawing characters
and backgrounds, etc. Same stuff as usual!
The author of this article would like to extend an apology to GameCola higher-ups Matt Gardner and Eric Regan.
She’s sure they aren’t as slow as she has made them out to be.
Please don’t fire her.
All the graphics, design, and dialogue are by Lizo. Paul is
voiced (appropriately) by Paul Franzen. Overly Dramatic and Poorly British Girl
is voiced by Lizo.
Adventure Game Studio (the program used to create this game)
can be downloaded at http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/
- Elizabeth "Lizo" Medina-Gray
Greetings! Welcome to another entertainment-filled edition of the THUMBS that are SUPER. This month we shall be journeying all around the gaming spectrum from old to new and new to well, that which really isn't new, but is new to me. From good to... well... let's just say there are probably good reasons time has forgotten some of these things. Well, here goes nothin'!
Shin Megami Tenesi : Nocturne (PS2)
Now this game is an RPG with a kinda odd but entertaining story. Loads different
from your normal hero saves the
world story, that's for sure! The game unfolds mostly though your going through
the levels, randomly getting attacked by gangs of hippies leading up to boss
fights, just like most RPGS.
The battles are mostly like that of other RPGS titles what with the HP, MP,
attacking and fleeing and such. However there are a few cool twists, such as
your party. You pretty much
make your own party and can change it whenever you want, as long as you coerce
some new demon pals to join you, or fuse some of the old lame ones you have into
snazzier new
ones. Also the combat plays a lot it to the weakness/strengths and voids of the
different elements and such each demon might have as its attribute. These lead
into gaining/loses
turns which actually helps add a bit more strategy than your average RPG
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Up!!
Taboo: The Sixth Sense (NES)
Well this is one old old game and I had no clue what it was even about, but when you turn it on the first screen you see tells you it was made by RARE, so well, it has to be UBER!, right?! Umm. no. This isn't even really a game; it's more of a tarot reading via video game, but its not even a good one. It makes you slide a cursor around the screen to type in all this information and then after all of that, you input a question, and it does a tarot reading. However, the tarot reading is all about your future really and written in ways that make little-to-no sense, after it does the reading.. well that's it, the end, scr00 j00r question. GOOD TIMES FOR ALL I SAYS.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Down.
Wall Street Kid (NES)
HEY NOW! Do you LLOOOOOVE Wall Street!? Are you a little JBL in the making!? Do you grab your morning paper and rush straight for the, ehh, uuh, what do that call that, stock section? Yeah well, me nether, but if you did, you MIGHT find this game amusing for maybe 20 more seconds than I did because that's all you do in this game: buy stocks and let the days go buy, hoping to gain more and more money so your gold-digging girlfriend gets pretty gifts and your asshole friends/parents can see what huge houses and other expensive stuff you can buy. It's almost as fun as reading a newspaper. Huzzah.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Down.
Alien Hominid (PS2)
This game was originally a flash game on newgrounds.com or whatever; I can't be
bother to spell things correctly! It's a very fas
t-paced
side-scrolling shooting game. It might remind you of some of the Contra games or
such. When I say fast-paced i mean FAAAAST. This game is immensely fun even when
you're dying... which for me was quite rapid. It can be two players which is
pretty much needed to get anywhere in the game; you can tell the aliens apart
because one gets to wear a snazzy hat. There are limited lives and limited continues
so its hard to beat, even with two players, as you will probably die
semi-frequently, especially at the bosses. But even though it can get frustrating
as you hopelessly try and try again to defeat these levels, it is still very
entertaining.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Up!
Battlebots (GBA)
Ever watched that battle bots show and say "MAAAN I WANT TO SMASH STUFF! PREFERABLY ROBOT-LIKE STUFF!!"? Well, this is the game that lets you do that. Not only do you get to bash other robots from the show, but you get to design your own destructive force! Sounds fun DOESN'T IT!? Well.. not as fun as you may think. Sure it's fun to zip around the arena bashing the brains out of your opponent, but after each battle you are expected to repair or fight with a half dead bot. Since the rewards for winning aren't all that high in the early going you may be going out there with a half dead bot most of the time, and.. that's not cool. The graphics aren't really all that good either and sometimes it's hard to even tell what you're beating on. While its fun for a while, it wont last you very long .
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Down.
Well folks that's about the end of things for this month. TWO up THREE down! As
always come back again next month's for an even GREATER edition of those wily
SUPER THUMBS!
IX. 
Starring: Christopher Lambert and the bimbo extra
from Saved By the Bell
Directed By: Paul W.S. Anderson
Release Date: 1995
Mortal Kombat: the movie did more than launch an irritatingly bad theme song that spent the latter half of the nineties being heard in Karate classes throughout the country. It also brought the first movie based on a video game that a majority of gamers thought was halfway decent. The thing is, most gamers have shitty taste in movies. How else would you explain the success of Japanese Anime?
Every fighter from the original Mortal
Kombat is present, and they also have an extra token black guy (who isn't Jax),
because every American Kung Fu movie legally has to have one African-American
good guy get killed. Rayden who is played by Christopher Lambert. The only other
person in the movie that you may recognize is the actress who plays Sonya Blade,
who also appeared regularly as the token dumb blond in Saved By the Bell.
Seriously though, you can have a good movie without any known actors or
actresses, but if your biggest star is Christopher Lambert then there's a very
good chance that your movie sucks. He just doesn't do good movies. It isn't his
style.
Mortal Kombat is about some annual tournament that the good guys have to win in order to save the world. The story is told through a series of random fights with lame attempts at exposition sprinkled throughout the movie.
Most of the fighters in the movie aren't even that great at martial arts. It's hard to tell if any of them even knew how to throw a punch before getting involved in this movie. And even after that, I can't imagine that they trained for the movie for any longer than a week. I'm sure Sonya Blade did really well in her self-defense for women class, but I hardly think that that qualifies her for this big fancy, trans-dimensional fighting tournament. I remember seeing this movie when I was thirteen, and liking it. As it turns out, I was an idiot when I was thirteen.
Movie Quality: Take every kung-fu movie that was ever made that had anything to do with a tournament, Americanize the movie, remove all of the fighting ability, incorporate elements of a popular video game's plot then huff a bunch of ether, and you get Mortal Kombat. That being said, it's still one of the better movies that has been made, based on a video game.
Faithfulness to the Game: As far as I know, every
single voice sound bite from the original Mortal Kombat is contained within the
movie. It doesn't matter how awkward it comes off, the producers of the movie
were determined to make sure that phrases such as "Flawless Victory"
and "fatality" were said in the movie. It didn't even matter to them
that it was said by Shang Tsung (the main villain) in reference to himself
immediately after winning a fight. It's kind of odd really, since twelve-year
old gamers are the only people who actually do that.
Who would have ever guessed that
before Sega
was in the videogames business, it created
such stylish little machines such as the Super Control
Station? It's in Italian so I have NO idea what it does,
but judging by the specifications, I think it was used by
NASA for computer animations.... : )
Thanks to www.1000bit.com for letting me use
this
scan—couldn't
resist putting it in!!!
Paul: Hello gamefans around the world, and welcome to this month's edition of Digital Championsh
