Volume
4, Issue 5 - May 2005 |
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Also Featuring: pineyRick, Chris Barrett, Tanner, Sprite Monkey, "Arrrrrrrrrrr," and "Will You Play With Me, Julie?" |
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It's been three years, now.
To put it a different way, it's been 26 staff members, now. It's been 37 issues, now. It's been 161 megabytes, now. It's been 202 reviews, 254 subscribers, and 83,725 hits, now.
What was meant only as a video game compliment to my brother's movie mailing list has grown more than I ever imagined, and it keeps growing with each new month. Witness our new feature and three new staff members this issue.
Not to sound cliché or corny, but I couldn't have done it without you guys. Without Christina Dickson, screenshots and article banners would be non-existent. Without Allec Johnson, our website would look like this. Without Kevin Leacock, our forums would be hosted by some free server and plagued with pop-up ads. Without Neal Iannone, Jenna Ogilvie, and Matt Gardner, we never would've have developed a sense of humor, and without Julie Kozarsky, Eric Regan, and Zack Huffman, this humor would've died out.
Without everyone who's contributed to GameCola over the past three years, each newsletter would consist just of one Paul Franzen review, and without you readers, I would've given up on the newsletter after only a few months.
Also, without my dad, the web hosting fees would be too much and we'd be stuck back on GeoCities.
So hey guys, thanks. My brusque e-mails and whiney articles might not show this too well, but I really appreciate it. GameCola has helped me to develop my writing skills, given me an excuse to play video games and make it more than a "waste of time", and secured me a slot in an actual publication. (Plus, if it weren't for GameCola, I'd probably still be stalking around the Chrono Trigger boards at GameFAQs, teasing without just cause.) I've learned more about writing, editing, designing, and publishing from putting this newsletter together than I have from my formalized education thus far, and all of you deserve credit for that.
So hey, thanks.
I'm going to keep with this newsletter for as long as I can, and if I can't any longer, I'll then pass the torch on to another young gamer in search of an education.
Three years going on
forever. 
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
II. 
Letters:
Best Bit of April Issue
I'd definitely say The GameCola Interview....
c'mon, what's not to like? It gives good tips for budding gamers, and it COULD lead to
even a widdle bit of exposure on CNN (if you play your cards right Paul!!!)
'Til next time,
Matteous
- Well I wouldn't go quite that far, but man, what an experience that was! My first
time ever conducting any sort of interview, and it took place at the CNN
headquarters in New York City. It couldn't possibly have gone any better.
Dear Editor,
Great interview with the CNN guy. Will Hugh Heffner be next?
pineyRick
- You never know! We have one coming up soon with Geoff Keighley, who's been
called the "Dean of the Gaming Press," but anything can happen in
GameCola.
Hey Paul,
Not sure if this is legal, but figure it's worth a shot. MY favorite part of GameCola this month was Cheat Codes for Life, because let's face it... I'm totally obsessed with myself.
Always, Julie
- Sure, why not? We've only had four people enter the contest this month,
anyway.
My favorite part of this issue was the ad for game gear which probably game from GamePlayers or GamePro if I'm not mistaken. Those were good times. You guys do an excellent job with the site, keep it up.
Chris Barrett
- Oddly enough, we received two contest entries from Chris Barrett, from two
different e-mail accounts. In the other one, he said Zack's Lethal Weapon review
was his favorite part of the last issue. I appreciate the e-mails, but try to be
a better cheater next time, okay?
I must have that t-shirt my favorite part about last issue was my artwork, and the button mashing potato was hillarious
Tanner
- Such conceited readers we have! Ah well, it's all in good fun.
Dear GameCola staff and anyone who might be reading this,
Gaaahhhh, the wooorld! I apologize most sincerely for having placed the buttons and directional pad on the incorrect sides of the controller in my "button/potato" pictures. I didn't even realize I'd made this colossal error until I saw it again just now! This just further proves my suspicion that I am in fact a fake gamer who can't even draw generic controllers correctly. Please accept my sincerest apologies, and don't hate me for trying to be cool!
Your friend,
Lizo
- Who's to say what the correct design of a generic controller is?
Don't conform to the standards of the gaming hardware industry; be your own
artist!
"...Or I'll throw it all away!" were the last words I heard before I dropped the phone and ran out the door. Admittedly, after I got in my car, I was speeding and wasn't even sure what for. It turns out my mother had a few synapses fizzle and spark and she was on a cleaning jag threatening to throw away a lot of my old crap that still occupied her home in boxes, boxes inappropriately labeled "Jerry's crap." My mother doesn't know what's valuable! The treasures she puts on the mantle I would just as soon display at a garage sale for a buck, or best offer, so who knows what ended up in those boxes after I moved away! Truth be told, some if it actually was crap, but I'll be damned if I let her throw away my first and long dead Tamagotchi without my permission. I did rediscover however, a black and dusty box containing a TurboGrafx 16, a cherished console of mine until my SNES blew it out the door, or rather, off the entertainment center into its original box and into years of long, lonesome obscurity.
The whippersnappers and ragamuffins of today's gaming probably couldn't recognize a TurboGrafx 16 if it jumped up and spit TurboCards in their face, but there was a day I tell you, when having a TG-16 made you the coolest geek on the block, and there were even a few good games for it. I think you, Mr. Franzen, could seek out this console in one of those new-fangled computing boxes you have and play the "ROMs" in order to tell us what games are worth going back to look at. I seem to remember Neutopia, Bonk's Adventure, Air Zonk, J.J. and Jeff, Alien's Crush, and Devil's Crush being worthy of hours of my time. Perhaps you could relegate an associate or minion of yours to review some of these games and let the retro gamer community, as well as the ever-growing neo-retro gamer community, know about these games so that they might enjoy and rediscover them?
Also, Happy Birthday GameCola.
Jerry "Sprite
Monkey"
www.manatheater.com
- Well, let's see now. I know I don't have a TurboGrafx, but perchance
someone else on staff does. I'd feel rather uncomfortable reviewing games from
just a ROM, but if anyone has the actual system on hand, expect to see reviews
soon! I can't believe I haven't found one of those buggers at a yardsale yet...
Artwork:
- Matteous
|
This is your place to shine, readers! Send us pretty much anything and we'll put it in this section. Letters, artwork, poetry, photographs, comic strips -- anything you can think of, you send it to us, and we'll put it in an upcoming issue. So get to it! e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net |
This week, specifications were released for the machine that will change the way the world thinks about entertainment. It’s due to be released towards the end of this year, and it’s going to be unlike anything the world has ever seen. Described as “phenomenal” and “a quantum leap for the industry”, the world is baiting it’s collective breath, awaiting the release of the 3DO M2.
Utilizing a custom designed PowerPC 602 microprocessor, and custom graphics and sound processors, this successor to the 3DO can handle absolutely anything game designers throw at it. The M2 outperforms expensive graphics workstations (as used by NASA, for example) for a fraction of the cost, and it can push out more than 1,000,000 polygons per second, enough to render unbelievably realistic scenes. It can also handle VHS-quality videos, making the pre-rendered intros incredible to watch.
It has a massive 48Mb of memory, 64-bit Data Bus, and it’s memory subsystem can push out around 528 megs a second, several times more than any games system on the market today can manage.
The M2 has an enormous list of effects that run straight from the hardware, including Transparency, Z-Buffer, Mip Mapping and Gouraud Shading, making it incredibly easy for developers to incorporate these amazing effects into their software. What does this mean for the average gamer? It means incredible looking games that can be made a whole lot quicker, with the aid of the amazing hardware the M2 provides. This can only mean the games should be a fair bit cheaper as well, seeing as development times will be cut substantially, and the actual CD format is a lot cheaper than using cartridges. If all this is true, the future looks bright, very bright indeed.
The 3DO Company has told us it will be announcing it’s hardware and software partners later on in the year, and with the specifications they announced today, developers should be queuing around the block to work with the M2.
IV. 
Platform: Nintendo
Entertainment System
Genre:
Action
# of Players:1
ESRB Rating:
N/A
US Release: December 1988
Developer:
Jaleco Entertainment
Publisher:
Jaleco Entertainment
One of the first things you notice when you play Robowarrior is that it’s very similar to the Bomberman series. That could be because it’s made by Hudson, who also made the Bomberman series. Some would call this a lack of imagination and creativity by Hudson; others would say that if the formula works, why change it?
Robowarrior
wasn’t the most popular NES game. In fact, I’ve only seen negative reviews
for it. As far as NES games go, it isn’t the best of the bunch, but it
certainly isn’t the worst. It’s been described as a more mature version of
Bomberman, and how can that be a bad thing? Sure, there isn’t much variety in
the gameplay -- walk over there, blow up that thing, mind that bad guy, blow up
another thing -- but you could describe a fair amount of games like that!
My mate had Robowarrior when we were very little (well, eight years old), and we played it to death. We completed it only once though, when a glitch rendered us invincible; his sister never believed us, because she played it to death as well but could only get so far. Suffice to say, it’s a pretty hard game. I’ve tried playing it quite a few times in the past couple of years and I couldn’t get past the second stage, and when I tried again before writing this review, I couldn’t even get past the first stage! I don’t think it was always this hard; I think my NES skills are just deteriorating in my dotage, which is a scary thought...
As I mentioned earlier, the gameplay is quite basic, and there isn’t much variety to it -- but it’s fun! I love just going around blowing up bushes to see if there are any items hidden in them. If you’ve never played Bomberman before (but really, that’s like having never played Pac Man) the idea is quite simple: You are a little bloke with lots of bombs, there are objects and enemies blocking your path to the exit, and you must use brute force to get them out of the way. BUT, if you get in the way of the raging fireball created by your bomb, you die. Same goes if you get hit by an enemy, or the time runs out. The difference between Robowarrior and Bomberman is that Bomberman was always (at least, in the older incarnations) restricted to a single screen for the playing field, until the next level where the obstacles change. Robowarrior is more of a cross between Bomberman and Zelda, if you will, in that the playing field spans over many screens, and there are cute little green bushes everywhere.
The graphics are nothing astounding, but they are functional. Everything is clearly defined, so you know exactly what’s going on in the mayhem. Although, occasionally it gets a little too hectic for the poor little NES to handle, with sections of slowdown; but this is not often enough to ruin the gameplay. The intro impressed me quite a bit in those days, with a little spaceship zooming towards its destination; it's like Mode 7... but much less impressive...
The sound is what you’d expect from 1988 -- a few sound effects with a few tunes along for the ride. None really make me want to turn the volume down, so that’s got to be a good thing.
In all, I think
this is a good little game. A little bit difficult, and multiplayer would have
been a nice option (though I think the slowdown would’ve been at unacceptable
levels) but overall, good, clean fun. There’s not much to come back to though
once you’ve played it for a while, and there’s no real incentive to complete
it, but it's a good laugh in short bursts.
Nintendo
Entertainment System:
RoboWarrior |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7 |
| 7.5 | 7 | 6.5 | 7.5 | 6.5 | |
Platform: Nintendo
Entertainment System
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating:
N/A
US Release: June 1989
Developer:
SNK
Publisher:
SNK
It's finally May, and you know what that means. No, I'm not talking about the anniversary of my last handjob; I'm referring to May Day! That's right, May Day. For those of you who aren't "in the know," May Day (May 1st) is the international worker's holiday. It also happens to be the most important holidays for Socialists. In honor of this, I've reviewed Guerilla War for this month's issue of GameCola.
As some of you (by which,
I mean the people who have visited one of about a dozen websites that have talked
about this game before me) may already know, Guerilla War is about
Che Guevara and Fidel Castro liberating Cuba from Batista, the Evil US-backed
dictator. When the game came to America, Nintendo decided to remove all
references to Cuba, but it kept the same flaccid-dong, Cuba-esque shape for the
island map. They also changed the game's title to Guerilla War. The original
title was "Guevara!: Death to the Imperialist Dogs! Viva La
Socialismo!" Or at least, that's what it was in my mind. I couldn't be
bothered to actually look that up.
The gameplay is similar to that of Commando, except in Guerilla War, since Fidel and Guevara are Socialists, they recognize the value of teamwork. This means you and a second player get to play simultaneously.
Unlike capitalism, Guerilla War is ridiculously easy to beat. Other than level bosses and the occasional tank, most enemies are killed with one hit. Although you only have three lives per continue, you get an infinite amount of continues. So really the only excuse you have for not beating this game is if the helmet, that you're required to wear at all times, is not fastened all the way, and it keeps slipping down over your eyes. And even then, it's kind of sad.
Through Guerilla War, you get to relive many of Che's big exciting adventures in Cuba, like the one where he fought two muscle-bound twins who drove a steam roller. After destroying the steamroller, Che is tossed into the air by one of the beefy twins, only to end up inside a mine, where Che must ride a mine cart while rescuing Cubans with a lasso. The Motorcycle Diaries were based on this part of Che's life.
One of the odd things about the game is that for a couple of guys who are fighting to liberate the people of Cuba from an evil dictator, Castro and Guevara sure do kill a lot of Cuban soldiers when doing so. I was also surprised to see how many soldiers had nothing better to do than hang out in the sewer.
The controls are easy to
get the hang of, and the music is good. Well, it's good if you like stock music
from an 80's action flick done in MIDI format. The downside to the game is that
you experience the extent of the gameplay within the first level. There's very
little diversity of gameplay, and it takes a combination of stubborn persistence
and excessive free time to finish the game. Luckily, I've got ample amounts of
both.
Nintendo
Entertainment System:
Guerrilla War |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
5.8
|
| 6 | 8 | 7 | 4 | 4 | |
Platform:
Nintendo 64No matter how successful you are, you'll always have to start again from square one. That's how things work in Cruis'n USA. You could be the king of your hill, winning races like you're the Drizzt Do'Urden of driving, and still, no matter what, you always start the next event in last place.
And what if you aren't the king of your hill? What if you're placing in second, or third, or -- mercy me! -- last? Why, in that case you have to just keep on trying until you reach perfection. It doesn't matter that you ranked on the high score list; if you've been anything less than flawless, you're not worthy of moving on. It's nearly enough to make a person want to queue up Dashboard Confessional, turn out all the lights and cry his little heart out into a Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball body pillow.
Midway must have known this would happen. To outwit depression they developed a
racing sim that, although deeply rooted in a perfectionist's philosophy, is
whimsical enough to placate even the most emo of ludologists.
Take, for example, the gameplay itself. If you set Cruis'n USA to easy mode (which, stunningly, makes the game easy -- Konami, take note!), you'll be having such a good time beating the waste out of your opponents that you'll hardly notice the game's dark undertones. Driving down American highways at speeds reaching 150 MPH, and seeing (all within the span of about thirty minutes) The Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore, and the White House whiz by certainly lacks something in realism, but this condensed version of the United States makes for a thrilling ride.
The game's visuals also serve to distract you from Cruis'n USA's bleak inner core. Scenery is made entirely of cardboard cutouts, which gives the game a movie set-like feel, as though Vin Diesel is about to come peeling around the bend and do whatever it is that he does. This may seem to be a graphical gaffe, but I think it's commendable that Midway embraced the N64's technical limits instead of trying to hide them, and in doing so gave Cruis'n USA a unique look. Some may not like that you can have a head-on collision with another car, send that car spiraling off into the distance while your own does a barrel roll across the highway, and show no damage for it, but I say that it just adds to the game's appealing superficial lack of taking itself seriously.
Cruis'n USA's soundtrack is one of the best I've ever heard in a video game. You can tell it's rad because it doesn't make you want to put on your own music -- you'll actually enjoy the game's own tunes, which is something I don't often find. The musical score ranges from rock to bluegrass to a Beach Boysian number; there are only seven or eight songs in total, but hey, the game's only a half hour long, if that.
This game has a lot of onlys attached to it: You can only play with one other gamer, there is only one course available from the get-go (you unlock more as you complete them in arcade mode), there are only seven cars to choose from, etc. However, some of these onlys are pretty cool: You can control the game with only one hand, and... well... I guess that's the only one. Being an N64 launch title this game has its limitations, but it works well with the bits it's got.
The goofy gameplay, amusing artistry, and spiffy soundtrack more than compensate
for the game's cynical and depressing principles. Taken at face value, Cruis'n
USA is a great little racer that, although short-lived, you'll keep coming back
to time and time again. If you spend far too many hours thinking about and
playing this title, you may discover the secret of life, or at least a headache.
Just don't play the game on hard mode if your will-to-live meter is running low.
Nintendo
64:
Cruis'n USA |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7.4 |
| 7 | 9 | 7 | 6.5 | 7.5 | |
Platform: Game
Boy Advance
Genre:
Action RPG
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating:
E - Everyone
US Release: November
2003
Developer:
Dream Factory
Publisher:
Natsume
The premise of this game is downright scary.
You are this guy in some sort of alternate dimension with your woman and all
these NPC newbies. Your woman has a black belt in following you around, so she’s
not hard to deal with (ha HA), but the newbies can’t really do anything
themselves. So, you guessed it, you get to tell them where to go and navigate
them through many different dungeons of peril. 
Now, in case the big puzzle isn’t coming together for you, I’ll restate my point in one sentence: The premise of this game scares me because it’s an entire game based on protecting NPCs through perilous dungeons. YES, it's a title based entirely on the worst level in every game ever made, where you have to protect some idiot who tries to get himself killed.. I know it seems like I’m trying to put it down, but it’s really not that bad… really.
Firstly I think I should talk about the controls. This will help explain how this game can not be completely horrible. The AI is extremely stupid and will only move in certain spots on the ground, and the people never move unless you tell them to. Therefore, you can move them to spots where no enemies can get at them and you are good to go, with no worrying about them. The controls for moving and attacking and sending them places are easy enough to follow, so that also helps to dull the pain of an entire game of protecting people levels.
The audio and visuals are pretty darn cool, unless you don’t have the same taste as me. I enjoy the 2D style for RPGs (Like Lufia 2 :) ), and I think the style very well fits this game. The music isn’t always the most exciting in this game, but it and the sound effects go well with the environment and all that… yeah.
Although the game is a lot better than it could have been, it's still not the best game ever. There’s not really a lot to it and you have to do a lot of the same thing in order to get through it. As such, the replay value isn’t very high. There just aren't too many reasons for someone to be replaying it.
If I had to suggest buy or rent I would
probably say buy it. Not because you’ll need it for more than a rent, really,
but because it only costs like six dollars at your local used games store. The
game is definitely worth six dollars.
Game
Boy Advance:
Cima - The
Enemy |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
6.4 |
| 5 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 4 | |
Platform:
Sony PlayStation 2For some reason, we've got two reviews for NES in this issue of GameCola, so to even things out, I decided that I would also review a game for Playstation 2. The thing is, I'm a little out of my element when reviewing any video game that was released after Clinton was elected president. Although I've been playing PlayStation 2 for years now, my selection of games is not really that diverse. The easy thing for me to do would be to just half-ass a review about one of the few games that I own, but something tells me that the world doesn't need another review of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. No, this one would require a little more effort on my part.
Naturally, I went over to
my friend Randy's house to see what he had to say. After copious amounts of
liquor as well as other substances that are some-what less-than-legal to
possess, Randy told me that I should play Mercenaries: Playground of
Destruction, because according to him, it's "fuckin' awesome and
shit." After loading up his saved game, Randy got me started and made sure
that I knew that tThe best thing is the Bunker Buster. I think this is my
base here, and I don't like this place there, because it pisses me off." 
In Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction, you're given the option of choosing one out of three different characters to play as. I'm not sure if any of the characters has any specific abilities since I only played with one. I'm not sure what his name was, but he did have a handlebar mustache and a lame faux-hawk. Also, he looked like he was about fifty years old, but trying to look 25 thanks to his mid-life crisis. When he talks, the voice sounds like he's nowhere near a toilet, so he's forced to use all of his strength to keep from blowing a hole through his pants with violent diarrhea.
The movement in the game felt sluggish, but this could have been because of my own chemical-induced state. I also had some trouble with the controls. I counted about 15 different things that you could do with a single press of a button. That is way to many options for someone that is not only used to the 5-button controller of the NES, but is also, very under the influence.
I started the game, and after firing missiles randomly in every direction, then accidentally blowing some building after hitting it with a laser target for a bomber plane, I shot the ground with a missile that landed a little close, and I was killed. Not to be discouraged, I began a new game, and got right back to the killing. I played through 3 different missions that all involved blowing something up, I got bored with the game and turned it off.
The storyline of this title, much like that of a lot of similarly genred games, is that the US is, once again, at war with Communism. The game is full of Jingo-istic xenophobia, along with a portrayal of war as a romanticized adventure to stop those evil Commies. In the story, North Korea has randomly decided to invade South Korea. This restarts the Korean War. As a mercenary you're free to accept missions from various parties, and you get to choose which side you're own in the conflict. Of course, that's assuming the sides are America, South Korea, the Korean Mafia, and China.
The graphics look pretty good, though no matter how high I turned up the volume on the television, I was unable to hear the game over Randy playing loud metal on his guitar.
I'm sure that there are
some people who loved this game, but it really didn't do much for me. After the
first fifteen minutes, the game stopped being fun. Well, except until I started
ignoring my missions and spent the rest of the time running over American
Officers with my stolen mafia truck. That was kinda fun.
PlayStation
2:
Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
5.6 |
| 4 | 7 | 5 | 7 | 5 | |
Platform:
Nintendo GameCubeWere you scared by Resident Evil when it came out on the PlayStation? Did that mean old boxy polygon Doberman jumping through the window make you scream like a 10-year-old girl? Perhaps it was the gripping opening (in full motion video no less!), the stellar dialog (should I even quote the “master of unlocking” scene?), or the shuffling zombies that finally made you drop to your knees and scream, “You won’t take me alive you slow-moving zombie men, dogs and assorted birds! I have a green herb, six inventory slot, an eagle-shaped crescent thingy that I guess I’ll need later and a can of whoop-ass just begging to be opened!”
Look, Resident
Evil was fine for 1996. It was even cool when it was re-made for the GameCube
in 2001. But make no mistake about it: Resident Evil 4 kicks that smirk off your
face faster than you can say, “I don’t play Resident Evil because it suks
l@@t lol Final Fantasy 4ever!!I! 
This is not a scary game. I’m sure Ring2/Boogeyman/Grudge/Darkness/Cursed and whatever else PG-13 horror crap that’s out or coming out is probably scarier than this game. But let me tell you something, my friends: RE4 is fucking AWESOME. Let’s look at what’s gone: Steering your character like Captain Ahab driving Moby Dick? Gone. 6-8 slots for the seven billion things you need to survive said game (a special “fuck you” goes out to Resident Evil 0 for the oh-so-innovative just-drop-your-shit-wherever technique for items and ammo)? Gone. Pre-set camera angles? Gone. Having to use inventory slots for save ribbons? Gone.
This game stars Leon Kennedy from RE2, and if you need a history of the convoluted story line, go here: Google. Then type in “nerdy Resident Evil hero worship GeoCities Fan Site.” I guess Umbrella’s not involved anymore, and Leon is protecting the President’s daughter and Ada shows up from… look, here’s the bottom-line: the plot’s not really important.
But the graphics. The atmosphere. The gameplay. These, RE4 nails more completely than any action game I’ve ever played. I mean, the opening alone is worth the price of admission. You arrive in some berg in Spain, looking for the missing girl. Immediately, you’re thrown out on your own, down a sinister path that leads to a dilapidated farm house. You creep inside cautiously and see there’s a pot on the stove. You move to it, and your context-sensitive ‘a’ button says “check”. So, screw it, you check. It’s some disgusting old mess that’s long since gone rotten. You continue around the corner and encounter your first enemy. After your initial jolt, you recover and blow him away only to go to a cut-scene that shows other enemies gathering outside the farmhouse you’re standing in. Do you shove a chest in front of the door? Go out the front guns blazing? Or maybe just slip out the kitchen window and try and sneak around the side? The choice, my friends, is yours. But no matter what you choose, it sets the tone for the hell to follow. You truly feel isolated from the rest of the planet while these sick assholes try to pitchfork you in the face.
I usually cheat
when I play. I use FAQs because I just don’t have the time to find the 816th
apple in Banjo-Kazooie Twooey. But I played through this mother all the way to
end on my own, and damn if I don’t feel like I’m back in 1989 playing and
mastering the shit out of Ghouls & Ghosts on my Genesis. This game is great
fun. I understand that each console has its graphical strengths (see God of War
or PS2 and Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory on Xbox), but this game shouldn’t be
running on my GameCube. It just seems…well, wrong. And wait until the boss
encounters, which happen relatively early in the game. When you head down to
that creaking dock and board your little dingy to set out over a mist-covered
lake and you see ripples in the water that indicate something huge is
down there, tell me you’re not enthralled. Tell me RE4 isn’t one of the best
looking, best playing action/horror games ever. Tell me Capcom has lost their
touch. Tell me this franchise is toast. Tell me you’re some PS2 or Xbox fan
boy who won’t play the game because it’s on a kiddy system. Tell me. I dare
you.
GameCube:
Resident Evil 4 |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.94 |
| 9.3 | 9 | 8.0 | 9.8 | 8.6 | |
Platform:
Microsoft XboxWhere do I begin with Doom 3? Despite the fact that I generally avoid PC games, and the fact that I don’t particularly like first-person shooters, The Ultimate Doom has long been my Favorite Game of All Time. It is therefore with great anxiety I awaited Doom 3’s release, constantly bugging my local software retailers to determine which would give it to me first. Once I had my copy reserved, I remained obsessed. Could id possibly do it again? Could they possibly win me? Could I possibly conjure up an objective opinion of the game?
So it was that on the night of Doom 3’s release I checked into the local Motel 6 (for reasons beyond the scope of this writing, my personal gaming habitat wasn’t suitable for such a highly-touted atmospheric release as Doom 3). "So that’s four nights?" asked the desk clerk.
"Yeah,
four," I responded. I was determined to make sure nothing stood between me
and this experience. I could still
remember me and my true love’s first times together. Back then she was really
something to flaunt. Her smooth movement and inexplicable flickering lights
turned every head on the block. But that was a decade ago. All that she had now
was inner beauty. Time had changed things, and I secretly craved the excitement
of a fresh new affair. I wasn’t proud of myself, but there I was with the
10-years-younger Doom 3, while she waited faithfully at home on a hard drive.
For the next 90-something hours I indulged my lust without reservation. I skipped the packaging -- we both knew what we wanted -- and went straight to the game. At first she teased me, setting up a flimsy plot through some impressive cut-scenes. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but I went along with it.
After about thirty minutes of exploring her thoroughly I finally got what my one-track mind had been waiting for: A zombie rushed through the door towards me, pistol in hand. I dashed behind a computer console, expecting him to take the shorter path to me. He took a less predictable path, caught me off guard and shot me in the back. I spun and carefully pointed my aiming reticule at his forehead. After stripping the corpse, I made my way to the next room and found another zombie shambling towards me. He faded in and out of existence with each flash of the lights. As I shot and back-peddled, I noticed his empty stare and his snarl, and they sent chills down my spine for a moment of disbelief as my pistol's bullet sent the walking dead flying back and over a ledge. I stared down at the still body almost feeling like I could touch it as the various light sources played on its surfaces. One thing was for sure, Doom 3 was the most visually impressive game I'd ever seen.
Over the next quarter-hour or so I took my time getting reacquainted with my trusty FPS skills, ducking behind corners, retreating through doors, charging and circle-strafing, just like the good old days. Then, just as I started to feel in stride, I heard a familiar hiss behind me. A lanky, leather-skinned humanoid figure dropped down behind me, and I instinctively drew my virgin shotgun.
I climaxed. This was Doom.
Doom 3, id Software's latest FPS, promises to be a horrific experience. And although I thoroughly enjoyed the game, let me first get out of the way my contention that it does fail in this mission. In fact, the majority of the game exudes the horror sensibilities of a 13-year old. It's like riding through a haunted house. The jaded adult knows something "scary" is about to happen at all times, so it never "gets" him. In this respect one might say that Doom 3 fails to achieve anything beyond Resident Evil. The atmosphere is certainly immersive enough, but that's the only piece that fits.
While
Doom 3's story itself has potential, the implementation will more often induce
eye-rolling than teeth-chattering. Having a menacing, archetypical antagonist
with lizard contact lenses laugh menacingly over some omni-present loud speakers
doesn't exactly make me question the word around me. This method by which Doom 3
keeps the player focused on the greater bad guy often made me feel more like the
hero of an 80's Saturday morning cartoon than the protagonist of a
claustrophobic fright-fest.
Furthermore, when I playfully whack my casual acquaintance on his shoe with the butt of a flashlight, I don't expect his brain to fly out of his skull, his skin to explode, and his skeleton to melt away, Mortal Kombat style. Instead I'd expect him to smile politely and say something to the effect of "easy on the flashlight, chum". And I wouldn't expect a hyper-realistic manifestation of a denizen of the depths of hell to conveniently melt away just because I blew a hole in it. This is why id's decision that all enemy bodies in Doom 3 should disappear or become volatile and subject to explosion at the slightest nudge bothers me (although the choice is certainly much more justified on the admittedly limited Xbox that it was on the PC). It impedes on the realism, not to mention that it wastes the game's beautiful limp-body physics. The importance to the atmosphere of a floor littered with dead monsters can't be overstated.
Now, all of that nitpicking may seem confusing, but what Doom 3 does wrong now leads up to what it does right - quite simply, everything else. The way it feels to move around the environment is simply perfect. The view bobbing, the additive movement, the weapon recoil -- all so intricately and lovingly tuned. When a wall impedes you, you can almost feel your kneecaps bump against it. One inch more and the wall would be too close. One inch less and the clipping would feel unrealistically restrictive. When the shotgun reports and reloads, it feels almost tangible. When a mancubus fires his alternating rockets, it just feels good to strafe-dodge with the chaingun trained. Dashing criss-crosses around enemies while slinging shell after shell into their chests with a surgeon's accuracy -- that's what id carried over from the original Doom. They captured that elusive, ineffable feeling, and they reproduced that immaculate weapon balance. Add to this the trademark level design that leads the player while still making him think he's exploring, and that's all they needed to win me.
This gratifying, fundamental core element is what most of the more "complex" FPSs are missing, but Doom 3 gets it right. Doom has it, Halo has it, and now Doom 3 has it. The slight problem, however, is that all of this other pretentious horror stuff now gets in the way of the combat. For my money, the pure, simple and uncluttered Doom is still the king of all FPSs.
So while Doom 3
is an ultra-sexy diversion with enough substance to fill the id nay-sayers'
mouths, I don't see it standing the test of time the way Doom does. The mod and
online communities will ensure the game's longevity, and a well-earned buzz will
likely continue on for a half of a decade or so. But after the smoke has
cleared, I still see myself going back to Doom. Doom 3 has an undeniable
hedonistic appeal, but Doom brings me a deeper level of pleasure. Doom 3 is
glamorous, but Doom cooks a better breakfast. Doom 3 is an exciting fling, but
Doom is the game I see myself waking up to ten years from now.
Xbox:
Doom 3 |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.4 |
| 9 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 6 | |
You asked for it, and boy, did you ever get it! Terrence Atkins is here drawing the keywords YOU used to discover GameCola.
story about lucy elephant multiple choice questions
cannibalism in survival situations and visuals
matt gardner and hockey
what does mario kart do to you mind table of contents
i came on to the net to play vice city and i'm not leaving till i do and i don't want any cheat codes buying the game or any other crap
Greetings, faithful readers of GameCola. My name’s Lizo, and I’m making an adventure game.
Well, let me try that again. I’ve had a
deep and abiding love for adventure games (you know, the Monkey Island sort) for
as long as I can remember. There have been quite a few times when I’ve found
myself thinking, "Hmm… if I were to make an adventure game, I would do
this, and I’d put this in it…" etc. So, when informed of the fact that
there are actually programs out there (which you can download, for free)
that let you create your own adventure games, I went happily on my way and got
one of said programs, stowing it away somewhere in the dark recesses of my
computer in the event that someday I might actually have enough time to make a
game of my very own. 
Then, I made the mistake actually using the program, "just to test it out." And it took over my life.
That being said, I have been gradually building an adventure game over the past few weeks, originally as an experiment (hence the file name testgame), but now I just can’t seem to put it away. More and more things to figure out keep popping up in my mind, and whenever I actually realize them and can see them on the screen and they work, I just get so excited that I have to keep going. Especially once I started lining up voice actors, and planning out an actual plot, it became clear that this project could last me for a while.
And what a project it is. It’s forcing me to do everything from drawing backgrounds to animating characters to writing dialogue and plotting a storyline, plus writing background music (hopefully something I’ll get to soon, when I’m not supposed to be writing things for class...), not to mention learning how to tell the computer what I want it to do, which requires me picking up some semblance of programming skills. And every step of the process makes me feel accomplished (even if it is crazily unfinished and downright simplistic compared to real adventure games, it still makes me super happy :) ).
Which brings me to the aim of this column. For anyone who’s interested in reading about such things, I will make monthly updates of the game in all of its unfinished glory, along with notes about its various improvements and notable parts. And this way, I won’t have to keep bugging everyone I know about it and trying to make them try it every time they seem vaguely interested ;).
And keep this is mind: I have no idea what I’m doing. This is all a new experience for me, and if I can do it, then anyone can.
So here’s the first installment of the aptly titled TestGame, starring GameCola’s very own Paul Franzen (haha, added bonus for all you crazed Paul fans):
(no extra programs needed to run this file)
Things to do (i.e., Things I’m incredibly proud of):
Walk around! Marvel at Paul’s grace and super-broad shoulders.
Listen to the voice acting. It’s quality stuff!
Interact with the desk drawer in the first room (yes, I know this doesn’t actually give you any items, I’ll get to that later).
Interact with and note the beauty of the gray rock in third screen.
Interact with (and talk to) the hole in the tree in the third screen.
Don’t pay attention to the horrendously unfinished state of all the backgrounds… I frequently just throw something together so I can move on to other things.
Various other things. See if you can figure out what else you can do so far ;) (hint: it’s really not much)
Upcoming tasks for Lizo:
Another character! Must learn how to do character interactions, dialogue, etc…
Hmm… doors would be nice.
Inventory items. I know how to do this, I just need to get around to it.
Plot. It exists, I promise!
Comments and suggestions are welcome! Feel free to let GameCola know what you think about this new feature and/or tell Lizo your opinion about the game so far.
All the graphics, design, and dialogue are by
Lizo. Paul is voiced (appropriately) by Paul Franzen. Adventure Game Studio (the
program used to create this game) can be downloaded at http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/.
Hello and welcome to the newest edition of SUPER THUMBS! This will be a very INTENSE and groundbreaking issue
of SUPER THUMBS but.. I can't tell you why just yet. You see we have to sneak it by the editor, because, well
it is just that INSANE! However this installment is bound to be better than ever with the goodies that
I have lined up to tell you about today, so sit back and relax and be prepared to be
enlightened!
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (PS2)
Now this game looks great! It has stunning graphics and a fast paced battle system.
It also lets you choose to be some of your favorite characters from LOTR lore!
What more could you ask for!! Well... lots actually. The game features lots of up and down
experiences where sometimes you are really
grooving and having a good
ol' time and others... where well you controller is sticking out of places that it really wasn't designed to
go. This game does feature some replay value by letting you replay each of the
levels with the different characters... but for me i was just thankful to be through the
level and had no intentions of trying it with anyone else!
Captain Eric's Super Thumb Says: Thumbs Down
La Pucelle Tactics (PS2)
This is another one of those strategy games. Now this game is very fun and has some cool features like
capturing your enemies and having them fight on your side. But I must warn you all that this game
is very very girly. Almost all of the characters are girls, and they aren't just girls, they are like super whiney prissy
girly girls! NOW that doesn't really take anything away from the game, its just something
you need to expect before playing. This game is loads of fun and like I said, it offers quite a number of win conditions
besides just destroying all your enemies... although you still have to do that too. Despite
being overly girly the storyline is interesting enough to keep you playing through
each level as well.
Captain Eric's Super thumb says: Thumbs UP!
Armored Core 2 (PS2)
This game features two main play-styles. One, the battle arena, which is very very cool. The other is the missions which
I found to be quite impossibly hard! I did manage to get through a couple of them, but due to their overall toughness and the fact
that i had so much fun playing in the arena I didn't get to far in that section.
However I did steel-roll over all opposition in the battle arena! The arena is a fun series of one-on-one battles that help you earn cash as well as advance through the ranks, sometimes earning new
equipment and advancing mini-storylines. The game also features a very in-depth mech building system where you can spend all your cash on more cores and weapons and such.
However a armored core suited for the battle arena are not as well suited for the missions but all in all it is some good
entertainment.
Captain Eric's Super Thumb says: Thumbs up!
Mike Piazza's Strike Zone (N64)
Now here in the SUPER THUMBS I review lots and lots of baseball
games. It's just my thing ok, I like baseball, therefore I play baseball games.
In each edition you may hear me refer to something as the worst baseball game ever.
Well.. this is it. This game seems like a ordinary baseball game with
some
fun features that many other reselectable baseball games employ; however after you play through a few games you slowly come to the
realization that whomever created this game must have spent at the most, 10 minutes
checking for bugs because... well it is just filled with them. They are no small bugs either,
as they will not only be annoying they will also cost you wins! WINS! And that is just not
acceptable. From not properly recording outs to bringing in second baseman to pitch when you
didn't even change your pitcher -- this game gets old and gets old FAST. There are too many good baseball games out there for anyone
to bother with this.
Captain Eric's Super Thumb says : Thumbs Down!
NOW IT IS THE TIME. Paul as been drugged and locked in a closet, so I will bring you the ground-breaking
final game.. yes that is right .. a PC GAME! I can hear your gasps of horror and moans of awe already, and it pleases me.
Etherlords (PC!)
Etherlords was never a very popular game despite
that fact that one) it's awesome and two) it has a very fun multiplayer mode. Perhaps because
it is German it never got the recognition it deserved, or perhaps they made the sequel
too soon, and suck so hard that people didn't bother with the first but IT does exist
and it is very fun. The basic premise behind this game is seeing a card game, much like Magic:
The Gathering played out in video game goodness form. The way the multiplayer version plays out is how many
expected the M:TG video game to play out, however that was not the case, but Etherlords does a very good job with theirs.
However the single player version is a bit more confusing as it is more of a strategy
game where you start with crappy cards and need to search the lands for resources and shops that
let you acquire the better cards. Single player is still enjoyable and the game will provide hours of fun and leave you wishing their were more cards.
Captain Eric's Super Thumb says: Thumbs UP!
WELL was that an ending OR WHAT THAT AN ENDING PEOPLE! I promised the best and
I am 100% certain
that I DELIVERED THE BEST! No need to thank me it is just what I do, give people what they want. So don't let that sense
of euphoria that this article has given you go to you head and cause you to do anything crazy, and come back next
month for some great SUPER THUMBS action!
Haha! You miserable fools thought you had defeated Mid-Boss! But it looks like I got my second wind, and now your time is up! This month, Mid-Boss would like to assault your pathetic craft with his brilliant observations on the current handheld war and other such trivialities.
ATTACK WAVE
START! The Nintendo DS, then. Fabulous handheld. Mid-Boss has got his.
Unfortunately, it’s his third -- dead pixels on the first two. Not good
enough, Nintendo. Anyway, now I have my precious working DS I can tell you it is
excellent. Just bloody excellent. I picked up 4 games with it (Mario, Project
Rub, Rayman and WarioWare) and they are all amazing. My favourite currently is
Project Rub (Feel the Magic XY/XX in the US). A brilliant challenge and a
hilarious concept. I haven’t played PSP yet so I can’t judge it, but
apparently Sony is fixing the multitude of petty problems for the UK shipment,
so good job, pats on head and choccy bickies all round.
Mid-Boss cannot be defeated.
IX. 
Release Date: May 28th, 1993
Starring: Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, and Mojo
Nixon
Directed By: Annabel Jankel, Rocky Morton, Roland Joffe, and Dean
Semler
Written By: Parker Bennet, Terry Runte, Ed Solomon
About ten years ago, someone got the bright idea to make a movie based on the Super Mario Brothers video games. The only problem was that the games make no damn sense. Seriously, as awesome a game as it is, there really isn’t much more to it than running through the sewer and stomping on oversized turtles. Well, there’s also the part about eating mushrooms and saving a princess, but I’m entirely certain that that part of the game is real. Every time I eat mushrooms I end up believing that I’m on a quest to save some princess, only to find out that I had spent the last hour trying to smash turtles at the local pet store. Which, by the way, has a shithead for a manager who called the cops after I had already said that I was leaving.
So what did the producers
of the movie do to cope with the lack of coherent plot in the various Super
Mario Brothers games? They half-assed a movie that ends up being way
more
awesome than it has any right to be.
Often when a movie has more than one director, it is because the studio had no faith in the first director's abilities, so they bring in someone else to finish the job. Super Mario Brothers had four directors.
The movie features a British actor and a Hispanic actor portraying two Italian plumbers, but it doesn’t matter because both actors are rad. If you can name one movie where Bob Hoskins was not excellent, than I’ll show you how quickly I can dismiss any of your opinions as utter garbage.
Dennis Hopper plays King Koopa, but instead of him being an evil turtle-monster kind of thing, Hopper plays the role as an evil dictator who for some strange reason has a phobia of germs. His most reptilian feature is a forked tongue, but other than that, he appears humanoid.
Rounding out the cast is Fisher Stevens and some other type-cast henchman whose name I can’t be bothered to look up as a bumbling duo of villainous lackeys-turned revolutionaries. The great Mojo Nixon also makes a cameo appearance as Toad. In the movie, he’s a politic folk singer instead of a weird mushroom guy.
One of the best parts of the movie is the very end. After the day has been saved, and life is getting back to normalcy for the Mario brothers, Princess Daisy comes back from Koopa's dimension looking she just stepped out of Mad Max. Apparently there is now war in the alternate world, and Mario and Luigi must return to save the day, once again! To be continued....
The great thing about this ending is that fact that by the time you're seeing the ending, you've already watched the rest of the movie, so you know that there's no way this flick can make enough to warrant a sequel. That isn't to say it's a bad movie, just a movie that no one will appreciate, or bother to see in the first place, but who can blame them? The trailer, movie poster, and plot make the movie sound absolutely horrific.
Movie Quality: I would venture to say that Super Mario Brothers is one of the best video game movies ever made. But to be fair, I smoke drugs.
Faithfulness to the Game: The first
complaint that most people have about Super Mario Brothers is the amount of
liberties that the movie takes form the original video game. Seriously though,
I'm surprised these imbeciles are able to find time to make so many complaints,
what with all those photo-shopped fake hardcore jpeg's of Natalie Portman that
they have yet to masturbate to.
Some games go down in
history as groundbreaking, genre-defining masterpieces, which
tax the coordination and mind of even the most skilled gamers...
...then there's Bubsy.
Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! I'm Paul Franzen, and with me this evening is Eric "!" Regan.
Eric: And I sure hope everyone is ready for some intense digital 'rasslin!
Paul: Me too Eric, 'cause we've got quite a match for them tonight: the first ever DCW CAGE MATCH!
Eric: A DIGITAL CAGE!?! Or is this some aluminum foil cage you made in your basement, Paul -- you better not be fooling our fine audience!
Paul: I wouldn't dream of it Eric! This cage is 20 feet of cold, hard, unforgiving steel, and I think it's gonna cause some pain tonight for our combatants.
Eric: You sure got my attention! But what two pixilated warriors are man enough to blaze this new trail into DCW history?!
Paul: It's funny you should ask Eric, 'cause I don't know! Donkey Kong has issued an open challenge to anyone in the digital realm to face him in this malicious metal, but so far, no one has come forward.
Eric: Ooh boy! It just gets better and better for our viewers today; that is one hardcore monkey.
Paul: And there he is now, making his way to the ring! Hopefully someone's accepted by now, or we're in for a short night.
Eric: I don't know paul, I for one wouldn't want to be locked in anything along with a big ape.
Paul: Donkey Kong's got a mic! I'm not sure what he's saying.. it sounds kind of like "a;lkbcxn.kajgs;lrtkwajpgoifsjdkbfdf;at;wtjk", but I'm pretty sure he's calling out his opponent. Who will answer the challenge??
Eric: I don't think any of those punks in the back have the guts, Paul!
Paul: Wait, what just happened? Someone just appeared right outside the ring... someone dressed in a purple trench coat and fedora... MY GOD, IT'S CARMEN SANDIEGO!
Paul: Where in the world did she come from???
Eric: Well.. you're just gonna have to finish that game up to find out, aren't you?
Eric: Carmen Sandiego vs Donkey Kong? CAN YOU SAY.. DREAM MATCH!
Paul: My god, this is bigger than Sting vs Hogan, HBK vs Angle, and even Goldberg vs. Stone Cold! And it's only here, in DCW. Let's get this match under way!
Eric: Yes, as referee Tatanka gets in the ring, I think this one is about to start!
Paul: The cage is lowered, here we go! Irish whip by Donkey Kong to start things off, as Sandiego goes flying face-first into the steel cage. He sure didn't waste any time getting that involved!
Eric: Well he has been itching for battle for a long while, Paul, no wonder he issued this challenge. I sure hope THE SANDIEGO is ready!
Paul: I don't think she is! She appears to have crumpled on impact, and is lying motionless on the floor of the ring. Some super crook she is!
Eric: I wouldn't count her out just yet, she has to have some wily henchman lurking about.
Paul: Ah, yes Eric, but that's the beauty of the steel cage -- there's no way they'll be able to get inside and interfere! But surely she knew this when she signed up for the match...
Eric: She is a very busy super crook, maybe she didn't read the fine print. That is very time consuming you know!
Paul: Yes, but she can travel through time! Haven't you ever played any of her games?!
Eric: Yes I did Paul, but I was six years old.
Eric: OH NO! Donkey is taking this opportunity to go in for the kill! He's going for the dreaded BARREL TOSS!
Paul: OH MY GOD! He picked up Sandiego like she was nothing and tossed her right at the cage! That's gotta smart! And he's doing it again! And again! And again! C'mon Tatanka, do something about that!
Eric: Tatanka seems to be fiddling through his rules manual.. he has been away from the sport a while, you know.
Eric: Carmen is a bloody mess! Can anything save her from this vastly disappointing bout?
Paul: Why yes, I think DK knows exactly what! He's walking over to the cage door now, trying to exit so he can win the match. But the outside official is too scared to open the door!
Eric: The sheer POWER of the monkey, he has RIPPED the door from it hinges. Boy, look at that official run! We really need to look into better hiring policies here, Mr. Franzen
Paul: Watch is Regan, I can always get Smarter Child back at your post.
Eric: You wouldn't dare!! DCW suffers greatly without my legendary wit.
Eric: Donkey isn't leaving the cage! What is holding him back? Victory is in his grasp!
Paul: There he goes, right out the cage! One foot on the floor, and there... goes... no, hang on, he's not going to the floor. He's.. scaling the cage from the outside? What's the bloody point of that??
Eric: He is stopping nothing short of the utter humiliation of Carmen in this one paul. Donkey wants her to remember his name for a long LONG time to come.
Paul: Is that really it though, Eric? I'm not so sure... Well regardless, DK is climbing up to the top of the cage, carrying the door to the cage with him! I wonder what he's got in store for the crumpled criminal.
Eric: Only the gorilla knows Paul! but I still see no movement from Sandiego; this could be gruesome.
Paul: There he is folks, standing tall, proud, atop the cold hard steel cage. He's got that door of the cage in his hand, and.. he's just thrown it down onto what's left of Carmen Sandiego. You don't think.... no, don't do it DK! Let her live to see another crime!
Eric: CRUSH HER! DOOOO IT!
Paul: DON'T DO IT! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
Paul: BUT WAIT! What's going on under the ring??
Paul: Look at all those people filing out from under the ring! My god! Lynn Gweeny, Kari Meback, Minnie Series, Lee and Bill Ding, "Auntie" Bellum.. they just keep coming! Carmen's henchpeople are here to help her!
Eric: And wearing banana costumes, no less! LOOK AT THAT FRUIT CLIMB!
Paul: Justin Case... Ernest Endeavor... Russ T. Hinge.. my goodness, how did they all fit under there?? A sea of yellow is flowing up the cage, and that monkey better watch himself!
Eric: Is this even legal? I have to tell you that I've never seen a cage match quite like this!
Paul: Donkey Kong lets loose a loud ROOOOOOAAAAAAR and he's swatting away at the bananas like they're some kind of lesser and less animate fruit! BAM goes Sharon Sharealike, BAM goes Gene Yuss, CRACK goes Sybil Servant.. he's swinging those ham-like fists all over the place, but I don't think it'll be enough to ward off this parade of petty thieves.
Eric: I dont know, they seem to be having no effect on him. BUT WAIT! What's this? One of those tricky bananas has scurried into the cage..
Eric: It appears to be dragging Carmen Sandiego out!
Paul: Can it be? Can the match really end this way?? Five bananas are on DK now; he can't keep them away. They're all teetering over the edge... this doesn't look good Eric...
Eric: Donkey isn't giving up so easily Paul, look at him go! Stomping up and down.. he is trying to break a hole in the top of the cage!
Paul: Well that's gonna be pretty tough to do, as this cage doesn't even HAVE a top! This isn't Hell in a Cell, man.
Eric: DAMNIT MAN GET ME SOME GLASSES!
Paul: LIKE I SAID, Donkey Kong and a horde of banana-clad crooks are teetering on the EDGE of the cage, and they could come crashing down to the floor at any moment!
Paul: But Carmen could hit the floor at any moment, too, as yet ANOTHER banana is dragging her limp body to the door...
Paul: I can't handle the suspense!
Eric: ITS TOO MUCH
Paul: OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LIGHTS???
Paul: IT'S PITCH BLACK IN THE DCW ARENA!
Eric: PAUL! I told you to pay that electric bill!
Paul: I thought I had another month yet! My god Eric, what's going on?? I can't see a THING!
Eric: Well I see lots of .. BLACK, why would I be able to see anything!
Paul: Don't you have a flashlight or a candelabra or something? Anything?? The match could be over already and no one would know about it!
Eric: AHH MY EYES! The lights are back.. and WITH AUTHORITY, no less!
Paul: Are they Eric?? My eyes are still closed, I can't see a thing...
Paul: ..but if you tell me both competitors are outside of the ring now, I'm gonna scream. It'd be so frickin cliché!
Eric: Well sorry to disappoint you paul but.. both competitors are INSIDE the ring, and the bananas are GONE??
Paul: Where'd they go??? What happened??
Eric: Ask the ref --- he seems to be weeping in the corner.
Paul: MY what was that loud noise I just head??
Eric: Noise? What noise?
Paul: It sounded kind of like a burp to me, though a much louder burp than I ever could produce!
Eric: Oh my god.. Donkey.. ATE the bananas?! I guess we have to thank your late payments we didn't have to witness that.
Eric: But now Donkey seems to realize the match is still on, and he's rushing towards the door... well, the opening that used to house a door.
Paul: But he tripped over Carmen's body! He tumbled out the door and hit his head on the deadly concrete floor of the DCW arena, and I do believe he's unconscious!
Paul: And if you recall Eric, both FEET have to touch the floor in order for someone to win, and DK's feet are both clearly sticking straight up into the caged ring.
Eric: Well can Carmen make her way out before gravity lands the giant ape's feet back to the ground??
Paul: She's stirring, but I'm not sure she's gonna get up! Wait Eric.. what's that.. I think I see another banana off in the distance..
Eric: She has one huge payroll, doesn't she!
Paul: YES, it's Polly Esther, dressed up as a giant banana, and.. er.. carrying a chainsaw...
Paul: GODDAMMIT, THERE GOES THE LIGHTS AGAIN! WHO'S RUNNING THIS SHOW ANYWAY???
Eric: The good folks at GAMECOLA. Say... isn't that your operation?
Paul: Shut up Eric, and get these lights back on! What am I paying you for anyway??
Eric: For my legendary wit, we already went through that.
Paul: PHEW okay, there we go, we're back in business. I'm real sorry about that folks, but don't worry, SOMEONE's gonna pay for this.
Eric: I sure hope it's you.
Paul: And it looks like DK and Sandiego are both where we left them.. but... wow, that's pretty gruesome, eh?
Eric: I can't look...
Paul: Didn't DK.. er.. have feet when we saw him before?
Eric: I think so. Maybe not though, I wasn't really paying that much attention...
Eric: Er I mean, YES I AM SURE HE DID PAUL!
Paul: Tune in to GameCola next week ladies and germs, when we'll have the ever-observant SMARTER CHILD in our color-commentator's chair!
Paul: Say, DK's come to! He's rolling outside of the ring.. but of course, he can't win this one now, can he folks? Not without his FEET hitting the floor!
Eric: WIN?! He needs an ambulance! HOW IS THIS MATCH STILL GOING ON?? Hire some REAL ref's, damn you Paul!!
Paul: For the love of Luigi, can someone just toss Sandiego onto the floor and get this match over with??
Eric: YES!! She has come too.. and is slowly crawling to the door.
Eric: DOO IT FASSTER
Paul: C'MON CARMEN, HURRY UP ALREADY JEEZ!!
Paul: YES, THERE WE GO! We have a winner, and it's Carmen Sandiego!
Eric: SO UNEXPECTED!
Eric: Now go clean up that mess Paul, and dont forget to turn out the lights when your through.
Paul: I can't I, er... left my broom in my other pants.
Eric: Yes... I'm sure you did! GOOD NIGHT!
Paul: So long everybody, and see you next month on Digital Championship Wrestling!
- Paul Franzen and
Eric ReganBook 2: ExoDOS
THOU SHALT MAKE THY CONTROL SYSTEM LOGICAL AND FLEXIBLE
Firstly, a few ground rules -- on every platform game EVER, the jump button should be in the same place. On a PS2, the X button. Placing the jump button ANYWHERE else in a platform intensive game is just plain stupid. Also, if a double jump skill is available it should be activated by two taps of the jump button. Not by pressing X then O. That’s appallingly asinine.
Similar rules apply for console FPS games, too. Anything other than the shoulder buttons to fire is moronic. Anything other than X the "use" button? Foolish. And anything other than the D-Pad for weapon changes? Farcical!
However, some developers STILL manage to ignore these fundamental laws of game
design and lumber you with a control system so hideously abstract that it just
feels WRONG to play. And then they commit the cardinal sin -- no option to
redefine the controller layout. WHY? This is a BLOODY EASY THING TO IMPLEMENT.
The developers who fail to do this will burn in Hell. Your God has spoken.
I'm here to talk about a special controller today. A controller you use
every time you read GameCola, every time you check your e-mail to see if the next issue of GameCola is out yet,
and every time you post on the legendary GameCola forums. That controller is your
every day standard keyboard and mouse. Some are ergonomic, some are optical, some have pretty lights, and some have fancy buttons. But they're still used for the same purpose: controlling your computer.
What should you use your keyboard and mouse for you ask? Well I think
my answer will be obvious and predictable when you think about it. Visit the GameCola forums &
chatrooms, make posts, read posts, chat, and have fun, of course! Wasn't that obvious. Let me help you. Using your mouse,
head to the top of the page. Click the 'community' link, and then pick a destination (Forums or Chatroom). Follow the links on the pages past
that to make your posts or chat in the chatrooms. Using these easy steps
you can enjoy yourself and add to the GameCola community at the same time, using system controllers you already have!
Any questions or comments regarding the chatrooms & forums can be
directed to me, Kevin Leacock, by email (kevinL 'round-a' kevinsnet 'period' com).
See you on the forums & in the chatroom!
Julie Kozarsky, with her infinite knowledge of the universe, uses her wisdom and experience to reduce your gravest problems into silly inconveniences. So easy, so simple -- it's a cheat code for your life.
Dear Julie,
I think a movie based on the Soul Calibur series should be made, and that I should be cast into the role of Cervantes, because I can do a pretty bad-ass dead pirate impersonation. However, whenever I've written to a movie studio about my idea, I've never gotten a response. Whenever I've called, I've just been hung up on. I KNOW I have a winner of an idea here; it's just a matter of getting somebody to listen. Do you have any contacts in the movie industry you could hook me up with? Or any thoughts on how I can get this film made?
Sincerely,
Arrrrrrrrrrr
P.S. If you help me with this, you can play the part of Ivy. I've got this great idea involving a steamy sex scene with her and Voldo...
DeArrrrrrrrrr (oh WOW am I funny),
Funny you should ask. I don't have any experience with amateur films, but word has it someone in my high school graduating class does. This doesn't transitively give me the knowledge, but if you're going to make a movie and have it be known, I can tell you the following based on what I've gathered from watching "Mariah" in action.
1) A successful
amateur movie should be filmed in a seedy motel room.
2) By all means, the star should strip and allow themselves to be fondled
onscreen by a stubby little hand while a disembodied voice issues creepy
comments.
3) That's really all I can say for my disgust is too great, but at least someone
from Shawnee '04 has been successful in onscreen endeavors. It costs an arm and
a leg to join that site!
I'd love to be in your movie. Have your people call my people, or just email me.
Starrily,
Julie
Dear Julie,
I own all of these multiplayer video games, but I have no use for them. I keep purchasing games such as Mario Party and Double Dash in hopes that people will play them with me, but no one ever does. And these games are pretty boring when you're playing with yourself. I don't know what to do! How can I get my friends to come play with me?
Love,
Will You Play With Me, Julie?
Dear Play With Me,
My favorite restaurant serves amazing steak, but has an enormous wait time. When my family would go there when I was a kid, my brother and I would sit ourselves at the end of the bar -- they had a Super Nintendo system, complete with Mario games. Instantly, all of the kids in the restaurant would come over and wait for their turns. We made so many friends!
So the answer is, take your games to a public place... maybe a park, playground, or mall. Somewhere visible, where you'll see and be seen. If you never catch anybody's attention, they'll never want to play with you. And if all else fails, there's Neverland, the owner of which will probably be off the premises for quite some time in lieu of his legal troubles. I'm sure you'll find a veritable harem of eager youngsters there that would love some quality time with a controller.
Playfully,
Julie
|
I'm not a psychic, I'm not a prophet, I'm not God, but I know what's good for you better than even you do. E-Mail me at jkozarsky@gamecola.net for advice on gaming, and the world in general. |
XV.
Dating Sim Matt Will
Kick Your Ass in Without Question 'cause He is Way Smoother with Anime Women
Than You Will Ever Be of the Month:
Ganguro
Girl 1.5
Like hentai?! Of course you do! Ever dream that you could be in some sort of screwed up hentai dating situation with some superfaketanned animated ganguro babe? ME EITHER ganguro scared me. And so does this game.
You start off as some loser dude with
300 bucks to his name and a quest to go have sex with some ganguro girl, since
you are apparently into that sort of thing. Freaky. There are
three stats, Charm, Knowledge, and Strength, each which correspond to jobs you
can take to make money to buy gifts for your extraordinarily needy woman. Once
you talk to her enough and learn her name and give her gifts and learn her
phone number and all this crap you’ll be able to take her out on
dates.
On these dates she asks you a bunch of questions like her breast size or if her ass is fat, and you best get the answers right if you want to get any. If you are good enough you’ll get a kiss and then eventually be able to get closer and closer to her until the big night. The big night being, of course, the night she finally gets aroused and you can attempt intercourse.
Of course, she makes you answer more stupid questions before she’ll give you any, but it really might be better to quit the game before you reach the end. While all the
