Volume
4, Issue 3 - March 2005 |
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Also Featuring: Heather Keels, Richard E. Franzen, Travis Combs, SmarterChild, "Girls are an Ass-Pain", and "Bleary Eyed Wonder" |
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Atari released its "Video Computer System" (known by most as the regular ol' Atari) to American audiences in 1977. The next mainstream home console, the original Nintendo, came out eight years later. Six years passed between the releases of the original Nintendo and Super Nintendo. Nintendo 64 came along five years later, followed again in five years by GameCube.
Notice a pattern here? New consoles are being released at increasingly rapid rates, and I don't think I can keep up anymore; I haven't gotten all the entertainment possible out of the last generation yet, let alone this one. Suren I'm not the only one, and yet, industry vets are predicting that successors to PlayStation 2 and Xbox could be upon us as soon as this year.
There was nothing left to accomplish with the original Nintendo by the time SNES was released. Graphics weren't going to get any better, gameplay wasn't going to get any more innovative; the system's potential had been maximized. This hasn't happened with PlayStation 2, GameCube, or Xbox yet. We're still years away from reaching the limits these systems are capable of, and already the industry deems itself ready to move on.
No doubt it's about making more money -- console sales are down, so it must be time to develop new ones! The problem with the next generation, though (and indeed, a problem that has plagued this one) is that there's no great leap in technology being made, unless Sony and Microsoft are keeping some major secrets from us; for the $300+ you'll pay for an Xbox 2, all you'll get is the ability to play yet another rehashed Madden with prettier graphics.
And what comes after that? How great can the visuals possibly get? By the time PlayStation 5 or 6 rolls around, will it even be possible to reach higher levels of graphical quality? Eventually, the industry will have to try something new; the path they're walking now leads to a dead end.
One can only hope that other console developers will think to follow in Nintendo's footsteps; the Dual Screen is the most innovative console to come out
in years. Gaming geeks from around the globe agree that Nintendo is going to tank before Sony or Microsoft leave the biz, but the big N has something they don't -- ideas. Before too long, it's going to take more than great graphics to woo the casual crowd, and the third-place former playing card manufacturer has a head
start. 
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
II. 
Letters:
Hey GameCola,
It's me, your most loyal non-gamer (who, in all honesty, doesn't quite know what to do with a controller..) As you can see, I wasn't discouraged by my coin-toss loss to the one other person who entered this contest last month and I'm entering again.
Though it had some good competition (like the pictures of gorgeous Editor in Chief Paul Franzen), Be Careful What You Search For once again stood out as by far the best part of this issue. Will someone please explain to me how some of these searches actually bring up GameCola?
And just to show you how cool I am, here's my least favorite part, too: I'm still not on the email list. Much distress.
Love,
Heather
- I wish I could tell you! I don't think GameCola's ripe with "freddie
versus the ghostbusters", "zelda's opinion of nelson mandela", or
"let me hear the soundtrack of snes donkey kong country 2", and yet
these search phrases all bring up our fair webazine.
I loved Be Careful What You Search For!!!
More like that!!
: )
Matteous
Your website has been blocked by Merrill Lynch, so I can't read Volume 4, Issue 2. Did I win reader of the year or not?
Richard E. Franzen
- Unfortunately, no. While the readers did pick you as their Reader of
the Year for 2004, the official GameCola winner was, for the second year in a
row, Geoff Osman.
Short Reviews:
Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Tides of War (MXB)
I have issues with Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Tides of War, or RtCW:ToW for not-so-short.
This FPS should be fucking excellent. It really should be. But its not. And if that isn't the damndest thing, I don't know what is.
Made by Gray Matter. An excellent developer. Based on WWII and Nazis...so far, so good. Ohhh, squeal! And undead experiments solely for Hitler! Yay! But...wait a minute. Seriously, what the fuck?
Why can the human take a hundred rounds of automatic fire straight to the chest before crumpling in a pre-determined fall (you read that right, no rag-doll physics here) yet that zombie took one round to the head and got his shit splattered all over the wall behind him? Why are there still motherfuckin' rooms that you can't get into through the door, but there's explosive barrels on the opposite wall for easy access? Why are the cyber-dogs just hanging out in crates waiting for me? How do they know it's an American and not a German when I walk by so they can burst out and immediately kill my ass? Why do the Nazis seem to have superhuman seeing and hearing powers and can pick me out behind a crate from about seven miles away? Why, oh lord, why?
Here's a better question: why waste such an attractive graphics engine on shit like I mentioned above? Hell, I wanted to love this game so much I could taste it. But compared to Halo or Time Splitters 2 or Chronicles of Riddick it just came up short. Sure, I'll pass it. Probably tonight or tomorrow, but aside from multiplayer I'll never pick the fucker up again. I mean, I'll keep it and everything. Just not play it. Alone. Hey, screw you too.
(***1/2)
- Travis Combs
This is your place to shine, readers! Send us pretty much anything and we'll put it in this section. Letters, artwork, poetry, photographs, comic strips -- anything you can think of, you send it to us, and we'll put it in an upcoming issue. So get to it! e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net |
Sega-CD is here, and it’s entertaining people with it’s full motion video and crystal clear audio. With an enormous 500Megs to fill, it seems the sky’s the limit. Although a lot of the games are no different than what the Genesis itself can handle, save for flashy (albeit grainy due to the limited colour palette) FMV intros and cut-scenes, the potential is enormous!
Using CDs as a storage medium is the way of the future, and Nintendo is not going to be left behind. Introducing: the Super Nintendo CD-ROM!
Nintendo originally worked with Philips on their new machine, which was to be compatible with Philips CD-I, but legal issues have forced them to instead work together with Sony on this project.
At the recent Consumer Electronics Show, Nintendo introduced us to the fruit of their labour, the PlayStation! Not only can it play regular SNES cartridges, it utilizes Super Discs, which have a capacity of 680Megs! Also, the system is 32-bit, compared to the Sega-CD's 16-bits. Twice the power of the Sega-CD? Makes you drool at the prospect of a souped-up version of Zelda, or Street Fighter II, eh?
The battles of the future will still be fought out between Sega and Nintendo, but now the Big N’s got Sony on their side, it’s going to be
tough combat for Sega. There’s talk of turmoil between Sony and Nintendo regarding who’s got control over the licensing of games for their new system, but it should all be sorted out soon, and you shall be playing your brand spanking new
Super Nintendo CD-ROM within the next couple of months! Get your $200 ready -- the future’s looking
bright!
IV. 
Platform:
Sega Master SystemWelcome, one and all, to a review of the quintessential Sega Master System game. If you've owned a Master System II, you've owned this game. It's almost unavoidable. The model I purchased had the title built in, for Pete’s sake! But this is scarcely a bad thing; the game is certainly excellent. Let’s go -- into the world of Alex Kidd!
One day, as Alex was leaving Mt. Eternal (Where he learned the art of Shellcore) for his spiritual homeland, he came across a dying man who told him the city of Radaxian was in great danger. Before taking his last breath, the man gave Alex a piece of a map and a medallion made of Sun Stone. What does it mean? The only way for Alex to find out is to journey through the Miracle World looking for answers.
This is a
platformer not unlike Mario, though jumping on an enemy will get you killed.
Alex’s primary weapon is a
fierce punch; using the technique of “Shellcore”, Alex can defeat enemies
and smash rocks blocking his path.
The controls are basic: Button 1 attacks, Button 2 jumps. The game feels very instinctive to play and hence the whole thing just flows -- it feels like you’ve been playing it all your life. I personally have. Literally. But that’s beside the point. The reliance on the pause button to manipulate the inventory is a downer, as pressing the button all-to-frequently crashes your system. Such is the brilliance of '80s technology.
There are eleven locations, comprising approximately thirty levels. The areas are sizable and diverse, with a focus on precision rather than combat. Alex can commandeer a total of three vehicles on his quest: a motorbike, boat and helicopter. This lends more variation to the game and keeps the player interested.
On his journey, Alex gathers currency from special treasure blocks, which can then be spent on a variety of items in the game’s many shops. This does not make the game too easy -- far from it. Alex Kidd is a bit of a pansy, and the slightest touch will do him in. Sadly, some of the bosses in the game are really, really cheap. If you do not manage to find the “Telepathy Ball”, the Janken matches in the game become obscenely difficult and entirely based on luck. You see, almost all of the bosses challenge you to a game of scissors, paper, stone… this is a random game by nature and lets the game down a little. Thankfully, the Telepathy Ball lets you see what the villains are thinking, making the games less of a chore.
The music is a little repetitive, with about four tunes on circulation throughout the game. However, the music is certainly bearable. The sound effects are few, but appropriate. Visuals are colourful and tight, the sprites surprisingly detailed. There is a veritable menagerie of beasties out to get Our Alex, and every one of them is recognisable. This is an impressive feat for such archaic technology.
Unfortunately, this game has little replay value. It is very fun, though, and there is a secret level to find. The sheer fun of the game should bring you back a couple of times, but compared with modern rewards systems it suffers.
If you own a
Master System the odds are that you already have this game. And if not, why not?
It’s a classic.
Sega
Master System:
Alex Kidd in Miracle World |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8 |
| 8.8 | 7.5 | 8.9 | 8.8 | 6 | |
Platform: Super
Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Side-Scroller
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: August 1991
Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo
I think we can all remember when we first get our new consoles.
I vividly remember when I got my NES, Game Boy, GBA, N64, PlayStation and my trusty ‘Cube. I also remember the momentous moment when I received my Super Nintendo. I was living in the Northern Territory, in an isolated town called Nhulunbuy, and I was in my penultimate year of primary school. I was depressed that I couldn’t get the SNES ANYWHERE, and I REALLY wanted Street Fighter II. I got the surprise of my bloody life, when, on Christmas Day, I unwrapped a large rectangular box containing my dear Super Nintendo. They’d given the money to someone who lived in Perth, and was moving up to Nhulunbuy with us. I could not bloody believe it. Not only had I been given an SNES with Street Fighter II, but the system also came with a free game. This free game would keep me entertained for many years to come.
It had been a
long wait since the amazing Super Mario Bros. 3 came out on the NES, but it was
worth every minute.
This game is huge. Absolutely massive.
It uses the same sort of system as Super Mario Bros. 3, with an overhead view of Mario to choose which level you want to try. The levels are perfectly designed, so anyone can play, whether you’re a novice or a pro. Don’t be fooled though, the levels are nice and easy at first, but god damn, they don’t stay that way! Seriously, my L and R buttons on my SNES controllers got so knackered just from the frustration this game causes. The controls for this beast are tighter than an Italian waiter's trousers! Some levels will have you cursing yourself, as you can see exactly what you have to do, but your hands just can’t do it! All the while though, you’re having fun, and that’s what matters.
SMW also introduces us to everyone’s favourite green dinosaur, Yoshi! He makes his inaugural appearance very early in the game, the first level to be precise, and he comes in extremely handy I can tell you! Not only can this little bugger eat enemies, he can also use them to your advantage. For example, if Yoshi eats a red-shelled Koopa, he breathes out a burst of flames to toast any other enemies!
The graphics are pretty damn good; they don't push the SNES to its limits at all, but this was the first Super Nintendo game so it’s understandable. This is not to say they ain’t pretty, though. Everything is clear, and, of course, colourful. There’s no mistaking what is going on at any particular time, and there are some hints as to what the SNES is capable of, especially in the lava stages. There’s also some pretty nice Mode-7 rotation and scaling, notably in the final battle with Bowser.
The sound is what you’d expect from a Mario outing with bright, bubbly tunes, cute little jumping noises, and of course, the famous “going down the green pipe warp noise thing.” As with all Mario games previous, the tunes are deviously hummable. You’ll find them stuck in your head at the most random of times.
All in all it’s a frickin' good game hey, especially at the price I got it. Okay, maybe it’s not Nintendo’s best, and people will argue that SMB3 is better or whatever, but I think this is the second best Mario game ever, bettered only slightly by Yoshi's Island: Super Mario World 2... damn I love that game.
I’ve
still got the SNES version of SMW, and I went out and bought the GBA version as
soon as it came out, and on my budget, that’s gotta be saying something.
Super
Nintendo:
Super Mario World
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.96 |
| 9.1 | 8.9 | 9.3 | 9 | 8.5 | |
Platform: Nintendo
Entertainment System
Genre: Side-Scroller
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: June 1993
Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Jessica's "beauty
radiates throughout the city and gives the citizens the power to survive. But
now a villain attempts to have this beacon of light to himself." This is
how Mighty Final Fight begins. Now it's up to Cody, Guy, and Haggar to rescue
poor Jessica, because apparently the people of the city are such sad fucks that
they are unable to continue living when a pretty girl gets kidnapped. Cody, who
were we are told is "good with knives" is also Jessica's boyfriend so
naturally he's on board to save her. The game doesn't really explain who Guy is,
nor does it say why he cares enough to help Cody and Haggar, but the game does
assure us that Guy has "descended from ninja." Last but not least is
Haggar. Not only is Haggar Jessica's father, but he is also the mayor, as well
as a former pro-wrestler making him almost as cool as former
Governor/Pro-Wrestler Jesse Ventura. 
Although there are three different heroes in the game, you can only choose to fight the Mad Gear Gang one hero at a time. This is because to cooperate would be a little too much like Communism for my tastes, and this is America god dammit! If you want teamwork, go play Ivan Redski and the Bread Line Adventure. In the meantime, I'll be back here with Mighty Final Fight using one hero at a time to punch some freedom into these thugs.
The first thing one notices when playing Mighty Final Fight is that unlike Final Fight for the SNES, this one is full of midgets. Or dwarves, I can't seem to remember which is which. Either way, every person in Mighty Final Fight is freakishly short, but with larger than average heads. I just thought you should know that.
Since the game is essentially a port of a 16-bit game it is lacking in a few areas. The levels are extremely repetitive, even for a beat-'em-up game. There are only about 4 or 5 different characters that you fight in the entire game, if you don't count bosses. It's also a short game. There are only five different levels to play through. The only parts that should give you any difficulty at all, are the later bosses that are fucking cheap.
As for the look and sound of the game, it's about what one can expect from a Capcom game, which is not that bad. Capcom also manages to allow you to perform a number of different fighting moves with only a direction pad and an A and B button.
Final boss is some
jerk-off who is half robot, half irritating. Most of the fight is him shooting
his endless supply of rocket-propelled fists at you, then running away. There's
really nothing fulfilling about finishing this game. Normally this would be the
point where I say something about the ending of the game being a disappointment,
then completely ruining it for you, so that you no longer have any reason to
play the game. In this case I've totally forgotten what happens. It could end up
being a really cool ending, but somehow I doubt it.
Nintendo
Entertainment System:
Mighty Final Fight
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
6.2 |
| 6 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 3 | |
Platform: Nintendo
GameCube
Genre: Shooter
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: April 2003
Developer: Treasure
Publisher: Infogrames
I’m not a hardcore shooter fan, but I decided to give Ikaruga a shot because I was bored and it was cheap. I don’t have much of a basis for comparison, having never really played many top-down shooters, but I can say that Ikaruga is addictive and wicked hard. I simply do not have enough skill or fast enough reflexes to master the game. I would say, however, that if you like top-down shooters a lot, this would be a good game for you.
GameCube:
Ikaruga
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7.84 |
| 7.5 | 7 | 9 | 8.2 | 7.5 | |
Platform: Nintendo
Dual Screen
Genre: Simulation
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: December 2004
Developer: Ubisoft/Guillemot
Publisher: Ubisoft
A dating sim! That’s sort of a new one on me, but what the hell? It's fun. This isn’t really along the same lines as Feel the Magic, since that game involves you playing many minigames in order to win the love of a single girl. In Sprung, you simply talk to people and do your best to hook up with members of the opposite sex. I’m sorry, but there is no gay loving to be found here. There are several different people you can end up with, and while it does give you some room to do what you want, the game is still very linear. You are more-or-less locked into the role of a guy or girl in love with a particular guy or girl not of your choosing. This doesn’t make a lot of sense for a dating sim, in my opinion, but it's still very fun to play.
Not really much to say about the music. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad… it existed. The controls, however, were perfect. How could they not be, really? All you have to do throughout the entire game is move the d-pad to highlight the response of your choosing and press A. Can’t get much simpler than that.
The visuals aren’t 3D-looking or anything, but that is part of the game's appeal. This type of game definitely wouldn’t have worked as well if they tried to use Super Mario 64 DS-looking graphics. The 2D, Monkey Island 3esque style of graphics is perfect for this game.
The replay value is greatly hurt by the fact that you don’t have much of a choice in who you date. Like I said, there is some room to do what you want, and there are a few branches in the storyline for you to explore, but beyond that there isn’t much reason to replay this game. After a few play-throughs most people will be done with it.
Overall, this
game is really fun to play, especially the first time through when you don’t
know what is going to happen and you haven’t yet realized that you have
little-to-no say in who you date and when you date them. The audio and controls
didn’t factor in at all to how much fun I had… I didn’t really notice them
at all. With all that being said, if you aren’t sure a dating simulation type
of game is your thing, you’d be better of renting this than buying it.
Nintendo
DS:
Sprung |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7 |
| 8 | 5 | 10 | 7 | 5 | |
Platform: Sony
PlayStation 2
Genre: Action RPG
# of Players: 1-4
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: February 2005
Developer: Snowblind Studios
Publisher: Sony Online Entertainment
There was only one copy of Snowblind's latest action RPG left at GameStop, and it was mine, all mine. A half-dozen others were on reserve for those who had pre-ordered it, and the rest had been purchased earlier that day. A few hours later, and I could have found myself waiting until after its release date to play Champions: Return to Arms, and I'm glad it didn't come to that.
Released less than a year after its precursor, Champions takes the "of Norrath" out and lets you choose your own morality. Unlike other recent titles (Fable) that ostensibly allow for a main character who's good or evil, your choice actually matters in Champions. The bosses you meet, the characters you greet, and the conquests you complete can all change depending on your alignment. Your decision is made within the first ten minutes of gameplay: Do you prevent the Bad Guys from resurrecting Innoruuk, Supreme Bad Guy of the last game, or do you aid the Bad Guys in achieving their goal?
The gameplay of Champions is akin to all the great
action RPGs of this generation, such as Gauntlet: Dark Legacy, Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, and The Bard's Tale; just keep attacking until everything's dead. Unless of course you're an archer, in which case you keep attacking until you're out of arrows, and then warp your pansy tookus back to town. There are also spells to be cast, potions to be quaffed, thrusts to be parried and whathaveyou, but the core gameplay is hack, slash, hack, slash.
Champions introduces two new potion-quaffers and a score of new skills to the newfound series. In addition to warriors, sorcerers, dark elves and the rest of the original cast, you can now play as these freakish catpersons and lizardpersons. The new characters look hunky dory, but they aren't far removed from what was already available. Also, you can import your old characters from Champions of Norrath, so you can continue to gain from all those hours you no doubt put into the first game
The soundtrack of Champions is bothersome. There's no memorable, overarching tune like you've got with the original; in fact, there don't seem to be many tunes at all. The majority of your dungeon-crawling will take place with Puffy Ami Yummi in the background, unless you like your gaming to be silent. And the few times Champions does grace your ears with music, the selected song is wildly inappropriate. You'll be picking through an empty passageway, one you've already cleared of enemies, and an intense, adrenaline-pumping battle theme will start up out of nowhere. It's disconcerting to be idly pocking at a barrel while listening to a song that, under most circumstances, would signify the coming of a 30-foot fire-breathing snail named Krythorne the Salacious.
Like with this game's predecessor, you can take Champions: Return to Arms online. Both headsets and keyboards are available for communication as you and your buddies are murdering orcs and ogling mermaids.
As you complete quests in story mode you unlock more levels, which allow you to earn medals and unlock still more levels. In addition, there's an arena mode where you and your friends can engage in some hot player-vs.-player action, or team up to defeat wave after wave of fearsome foes. Champions of Norrath was already filled to the brim with replay value; in Champions of Norrath, the replay value spills over the brim and makes your pants all wet.
Last year, Champions of Norrath was an early contender for Game of the Year, and its sequel is no different. I can't recommend this game enough; thanks be to God that GameStop still had a copy. Champions: Return to Arms is THE online title for PlayStation 2; but even if you don't have a network adaptor, you'll still love this game. Just make sure your ITunes playlist is queued up.
PlayStation 2: Champions - Return to Arms |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7.44 |
| 9.4 | 2.8 | 8.5 | 7.5 | 9 | |
Chapter
Twenty-OneRender: Ah ha, I’ll go to Fix The Story And Go Back To The Present Time Island!
Render: Is this the island?
Rivers: Did we crash?
Render: Yeah, we crashed. Is this the island?
Jonathan: What island?
Strange Creature: Oh my…
Enrique: Eh?
Generic: Ah.
Render: So that’s a yes, then?
Large Stone Wall: Mysteeeerioooous iiiiiiiiiislaaaaaand….
Render: Right. Well, let’s go.
Enrique: Wtf.
Rivers: I’m so confused.
Render: We were taking them to the mysterious island before all that time crap happened.
Enrique: Ooooh, right.
Jonathan: Now I remember.
Rivers: Yep.
Render: So where exactly did you three want to go on this island? Or is this edge part fine?
Strange Creature: If you could lead us through the forest of doors, that’d be far enough.
Render: Forest of doors, eh?
Rivers: Soo… it’s a forest…
Enrique: Made of doors…
Jonathan: Or with lots of doors in it…
Render: Or trees that look like doors!
Enrique & Rivers & Jonathan & Render: Ooooooo…
Large Stone Wall: Thiiiiiis waaaaaay…
Generic: The forest isn’t really a forest, you know…
Render: Huh?
Strange Creature: Never mind him, we are just about there.
Strange Creature: Alright, here we are.
Enrique: That was fast.
Rivers: Totally.
Jonathan: Wait… this is just one door.
Render: Not really a forest, if you ask me.
Generic: I said it wasn’t really a forest.
Strange Creature: Don’t worry, my friends. The forest lies… within…
Enrique: Within the door?
Rivers: Within our hearts?
Jonathan & Render & Enrique & Rivers: Oooooo…..
Large Stone Wall: Oooooopeeeen theeeee dooooooooor…
Strange Creature: Give me a moment… ah, ok. There we go.
Jonathan: There’s no forest in that door. It doesn’t really even look like a portal to another dimension.
Strange Creature: No one said anything about a portal to another dimension.
Render: NO! Uh-uh, no way. We are NOT doing another screwed up dimensional thing, it was bad enough with the whistle incident.
Strange Creature: Oh yes, the whistle! Thank you for reminding me. May I have the whistle, Rivers?
Rivers: No.
Strange Creature: Please?
Rivers: No.
Strange Creature: …please?
Rivers: No.
Strange Creature: Yes.
Rivers: No.
Strange Creature: Fine. I don’t even want it anymore, anyway. Let’s go fellows.
Large Stone Wall: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy.
Generic: Yes.
Rivers: No.
Render: Go where?
Strange Creature: Into… this DIMENSIONAL portal! Bwahahahahahahahahaa!!
Render: NO! Forget it!! We are leaving.
Jonathan: What about those three?
Render: Forget them, we are so out of here.
Enrique: I wonder where they are going…
Rivers: Totally…
Jonathan: Doesn’t matter really, cause now we can finally have an adventure, just us boys!
Render: Holy crap, have we seen n00b or Liaunde or Jordan or Tryn at all since like… forever?
Enrique: Woah.
Rivers: Did they die?
Render: Don’t think so…
Jonathan: Just us guys, hangin’ around; seein’ mobs, beatin’ em down.
?????: Miss me?
Which Gate Do You Choose?
n00b!
Tryn!
Liaunde!
(With Jordan close behind on his leash…)
Wait… wait yea, there were others…
VI. 
The stereotypical gamer is an overweight, slovenly fellow who'd rather be munching on a cheeseburger than something else entirely inappropriate for a family-oriented webazine. Whether this is anything more than an outdated and uninformed bias is not for me to judge, but some games are now catering to this supposed demographic. Witness titles like Fable and The Sims 2 where, if you choose, you can eat carb after carb until your body resembles a bean bag chair.
But how does the discerning gamer decide which fat-friendly game to obtain? That's what I'm here for, loyal readers. Check out:
Fable (MXB): Say what you will about this title being overhyped to the point where nothing less than Jesus Christ emerging from the disc and inviting the gamer to play Hungry Hungry Hippos would appease its followers; Fable is still a good game. One of its most fascinating aspects is the complete customization of your main character, including control of his body type. Focusing your attention on swords and strength gives you a muscle-bound freak, focusing on magic and intelligence gives you a sallow weenie, and focusing on punch and pie gives you Kamala, the Ugandan Giant. Special attention is even given to being overweight, as you can only obtain certain secret items by packing in the pounds. You move slowly if you're fat, and no dudes or babes will ever sleep with you, but it's all worth it for that "Will Master's Elixir", eh?
The Sims 2 (PC): If you've ever had fantasies of micromanaging your best friends bowel movements, look no further than The Sims 2. Building on its predecessor's premise of allowing you to escape your own dreary life by controlling the dreary life of another, The Sims 2 adds a few new professions, several new possessions, and an "aspiration" meter, which fills up as you fulfill your characters' various desires. These desires range from the obvious, such as learning how to cook and having your first kiss, to the slightly freaky, such as seeing a ghost and being saved from death, and the sexually deviant, such as making love in a dressing room stall. Like Fable, this game allows you to have overweight characters, by the same exact means as Fable: eating more and exercising less. Also like Fable, no one will love you if you're fat. No one.
While both of these games allow your character to grow horizontally to epic proportions, only one rewards you for it. Fable shows us that even though fat people are unloved and unable to defeat the dragon, they still have some use. There's a moral in that somewhere, but I'm too busy eating my Happy Meal to find it.
Winner: Fable (MXB)
Devastating attacks on the major players in the world of gaming.
Mid-Boss is
angry, and demands your attention. There is an annoying trend developing within
Nintendo and it MUST stop NOW. Nintendo is licensing out its beloved characters
to other developers, and they are being DESTROYED. The offenders are all over
the place -- Camelot (Mario Power Tennis, Mario Golf), Hudsonsoft (Mario Party
6, Mario Party Advance), Artoon (Yoshi’s Universal Gravitation) and Paon
(Donkey Kong: King of Swing).
"That’s not such a bad thing" you say, "Nintendo has more time to concentrate on their other projects."
Yes, moron, it IS a bad thing -- classic characters like Yoshi and DK will lose all prestige when people play abominations like Universal Gravitation (God, that’s a crap game). Also, does Nintendo really have any other projects? Its continuous reliance on these admittedly timeless characters may be its tomb. People will get sick of Mario and Donkey Kong -- Nintendo overestimates their popularity. Even the Legend of Zelda series is suffering a little from overexposure. We’ve had Wind Waker, Four Swords, Minish Cap and Tetra’s Trackers in the past few years and I, personally, am getting a bit sick of it. Not that these games aren’t excellent, but I will get a little peeved if Nintendo continues with its current pattern and resorts to this cynical EA-esque pushing out of their few franchises. Metroid, Pokémon, Mario, DK, Zelda… there’s little more to Nintendo these days.
Unless it maintains the innovation that’s kept it afloat since the '80s, its days are numbered.
And the day
Nintendo dies, gaming dies.
The views of Mid-Boss do not necessarily coincide with those of the GameCola staff.
VIII. 
Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, Raul
Julia
Directed by: Steven E. de Souza
Written by: Steven E. de Souza
Release Date: 1994
Runtime: 102 minutes
As most of you already know, the Street Fighter movie is based on the Street Fighter 2 series (as opposed to the significantly shittier Street Fighter game). The thing is, in the game, fighters from all over the world have entered a competition held by M. Bison to see who the greatest fighter is, with each fighter having their own agenda other than winning some trophy. The makers of the movie took a few creative liberties, scrapping the whole tournament idea, and instead making it about a small war-torn nation that, in the dictatorial iron grip of M. Bison, has become the site of an international incident.
Jean Claude Van Damme
plays Colonel Guile, who is in command of the Allied Nation's (think United
Nations) forces that have been sent in to take down M. Bison. Most of the
characters from Super Street Fighter 2 (at the time, this was the latest Street
Fighter 2 game.) made it into the movie.
Obviously, not all of the character's origins work into the new plot of the
movie, so more liberties were taken. For instance, E. Honda and Balrog are a
news crew for Chun Li, who is a news reporter. Ryu and Ken are con artists, and
Dhalsim is now a bio-genetic scientist who never actually fights.
Van Damme's huge bicep is emblazoned with Old Glory in case you didn't already know that he was American, which gives him a greater capacity for kicking ass than any of those other puny nations. This is despite the fact that there's no way Van Damme's accent is from anywhere near the United States..
As is the case in most action movies from the 80's and early 90's, Street Fighter is full of conservative propaganda. In this movie's case, the propaganda has an anti-United Nations flavor, with emphasis on the idea that the US military can do no wrong, and those who would use non-explosive methods to attain peace are really just playing into the hands of evil dictators. Or maybe I'm just reading a little too much into it. After all, I thought Gremlins 2 was really just a veiled indictment of Fidel Castro's Cuban Communist Regime.
Movie Quality: From what I've seen, making a movie with Jean Claude Van Damme that does not completely suck is extremely difficult (Bloodsport aside). At least after watching Street Fighter, those other Van Damme movies seem halfway decent by comparison.
Faithfulness to the Game: Although
there is a whole new plot, a number of moves from the game have been brought
over to the movie. These moves include Guile's Sonic Kick (sans the sonic part),
Blanka's electricity powers, a M. Bison's flying attack, E. Honda's Hundred-Hand
Slap (minus about 90-95 slaps), and Ryu's Fireball. That is, if you consider a
flash of light to be the same as a fireball, then yeah, it's in there.
You've gotta note the expression on the kids' faces hey, 'specially the one playing the Game Boy!
I wonder how much shit he got in high school after this :)
Game Boy was fun, but never THAT fun!
You asked for it, and boy, did you ever get it! Terrence Atkins is here drawing the keywords YOU used to discover GameCola.
rocket-powered turtle pictures
brian+gay+rutgers+ninja-turtles
why do people play video games
define apul
mad rabbit and graphics
Paul: Hello everyone and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! I'm Paul Franzen, and with me this evening is Smarter "Yeah, the AIM Bot" Child, filling in for an absent Eric Regan.
SmarterChild: You say such silly things sometimes.
Paul: As do our opponents tonight, Child! We've got two of the silliest characters in the history of gaming facing one another tonight: Bubsy, from his self-titled abortion of a Super Nintendo game, and Toad, the legend from the Mushroom Kingdom.
SmarterChild: For real?
Paul: You bet! And, get this, they're already in the ring! No entrances tonight, folks -- these two characters have just been dying to get at each others throats, and they're not about to wait for entrance music.
SmarterChild: Sorry, what was that again?
Paul: There's no time to repeat myself Child; this match is underway! Lockup to start, as Bubsy gets the early advantage and tosses the poor veteran to the ground.
SmarterChild: No way? Really?
Paul: You saw it with your own eyes! Toad's a resilient mushroom though, so he's right back up, running towards the bobcat -- I think he's looking for a spear, wouldn't you say?
SmarterChild: Sorry, I didn't understand that.
Paul: A spear! You know, running headfirst into your opponents gut? Anyway it looks like I was wrong, as Toad just tried to dropkick Bubsy in the knee, only to see Bubsy swat him away like the fungus he is.
SmarterChild: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions. Try asking for help for a specific service:
1 News Help
2 Movies Help
3 Sports Help
4 Weather Help
5 Stocks Help
6 Library Help
Type "more" for more services.
Paul: There's no time for movies now man, we've got a match to call! Bubsy's looking to drop an elbow on Toad, but Toad rolled out of the way at the last second, and Bubsy crashed down to the unforgiving mat. The pansy bobcat is clutching at his elbow now, I think he might have somehow hurt himself.
SmarterChild: Sorry, I couldn't find any time zones in Isle Of Man.
Paul: It's okay, I know you will some day! Toad's looking to capitalize on the bobcat's predicament, climbing up to the top rope and maybe dropping an elbow of his own. No wait, he's going for a moonsault! Did you see that Child?? Toad flipped through the air like it was nothing and came down HARD on Bubsy.
SmarterChild: Huh?
Paul: Toad's looking for the pin... 1, 2.. ALMOST THREE! The wily mushroom is complaining to referee Marty Jannetty about a slow count. Get your head in the game Toad, Bubsy's gonna get you from behind!
SmarterChild: I can't understand what you're saying...
Paul: Aw man, I called that one. Bubsy just nailed Toad in the back of the head with a vicious clothesline, and now he's heading outside of the ring. I wonder what he's doing that for...
SmarterChild: Amazing.
Paul: You're right Child, this HAS been an amazing match! Bubsy's looking under the ring for.. something.. and I think he's found it! Bubsy's
grabbed a trashcan, and he's taking it inside the squared-circle.
SmarterChild: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions. Try asking for help for a specific service:
1 News Help
2 Movies Help
3 Sports Help
4 Weather Help
5 Stocks Help
6 Library Help
Type "more" for more services.
Paul: I think Toad's not the only one who needs to get his head into the game! The mushroom is still down from that horrendous clothesline... boy, our combatants tonight sure are being knocked out easily. Bubsy's picking Toad up and... by God.. he's stuffing Toad inside of the trashcan!! This can't possibly be legal, can it??
SmarterChild: What's that again?
Paul: The trash can's a foreign object; Bubsy should be disqualified for that! Now he's put the lid on the trashcan and he's rolling Toad around the ring -- you're not going to pin him that way, Bubsy!
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't know what you mean.
Paul: Me either, half the time. Bubsy's ears just pricked up -- you better watch yourself Child, the bobcat is listening! Bubsy is leaving the ring yet again, I guess in search of what he heard, and he seems to be heading towards the fans. I wonder what THIS is all about.
SmarterChild: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions. Try asking for help for a specific service:
1 News Help
2 Movies Help
3 Sports Help
4 Weather Help
5 Stocks Help
6 Library Help
Type "more" for more services.
Paul: It sure seems like Toad could use some "Sports Help" right about now -- he's not even moving! Though, I'm not sure it'd be helpful if he could; the poor mushroom is stuck inside that trashcan. Bubsy is now speaking with one of the fans.. and the fan is.. taking her shirt off?? This is a family-event folks, no stripping allowed! What's this all about?
SmarterChild: Please select a help topic below:
1 MLB Help
2 NFL Help
3 NBA Help
4 NHL Help
Next time you want to see this, just type "sports help."
Paul: Toad could use some "DCW" help if you ask me! BY GAWD, it's the invincibility t-shirt, the one Bubsy uses to skirt death and never take damage! If he puts that shirt on, there's no way Toad can ever win.
SmarterChild: Uh... what was that?
Paul: The t-shirt, Smarter! Bubsy can't take any damage when he's wearing it! But what's this now... Toad's trashcan prison is rolling, rolling, rolling outside of the ring.. and right into Bubsy's feet. This can't be good for the mushroom, Child.
SmarterChild: I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Paul: OH MY GOD! Toad just BURST right out of the trashcan and head-butted Bubsy in the face! And now Toad's biting the bobcat's ankles! Bubsy's ankles are now wearing the proverbial "crimson mask", and the bobcat's t-shirt has fallen to the floor.
SmarterChild: What up?
Paul: What's up?! WHAT'S UP?? WHAT'S UP IS THIS MATCH, WHAT'S UP IS BUBSY BLEEDING FROM HIS BY GOD ANKLES, WHAT'S UP IS TOAD HITTING BUBSY WITH A STONE COLD STUNNER AND RUSHING BACK INTO THE RING!!!
SmarterChild: I just don't know!
Paul: I think I do, Smarter!! 8... 9... 10, this match is OVER folks -- Toad's just won via countout!
SmarterChild: Which would you like?
1 MLB 2010 start date
2 NBA 2010-2011 start date
3 NHL 2010-2011 start date
4 NFL 2010-2011 start date
Paul: I'd like a cold one after this HELLACIOUS match, but I'll settle for a nice long nap. For SmarterChild I'm Paul Franzen, and I'll see you next month at the DCW Arena --
and with any luck, Eric will be back by my side.. GOOD NIGHT!
- Paul Franzen and
SmarterChildBook 1: Sega Genesis
1. THOU SHALT SORT OUT YOUR SAVE SYSTEM
Too many times I have played a game in which the save system is disgustingly flawed. Earthworm Jim 2
-- collect three stupidly well-hidden “Pieces of the password” to save. And the save will randomly not work 80% of the time. CRAP. Tomb Raider 3
-- find a Save Crystal. Save it up and use it when the time comes. EH!? And don’t even get me started on typewriters and ink ribbons.
The time has come to implement an autosave in every game ever. Any games without an autosave feature should just die. I personally cannot think of a single game in which an autosave would be a minus (Excepting games that do not need a save system, obviously). Save points? ALWAYS badly placed and ALWAYS frustrating. Getting killed within feet of a save point is always irritating;
disguising this with a silent autosave would solve many a problem.
And any game with only one save slot? What the
hell is the deal with that? It can’t be that hard to just program three slots… how easy is it to accidentally save over your own file with only one option? ALL TOO EASY!
Practise this commandant, developers, and the bounty of profit shall bless your humble studio.
Julie Kozarsky, with her infinite knowledge of the universe, uses her wisdom and experience to reduce your gravest problems into silly inconveniences. So easy, so simple -- it's a cheat code for your life.
Dear Julie,
I was dating this non-gaming girl for a pretty long time (I know, blasphemous right?). One day, as an attempt to get her into video games, I brought one of my spare Nintendos and a few extra games over to her house, and plugged the console into her TV without her permission. The idea was that she'd see the Nintendo there, play it, and, seeing how awesomely fun the games are, would get herself hooked on video games. And it worked, to some degree. The problem is, now that we're broken up, she won't give me my stuff back! She claims that they were gifts, although it's plainly obvious that it was way more of a clever ruse to get her into gaming than it was something from the heart. Everything I left at her house I have a double of; but that's not the point. How can I get back what's rightfully mine?
Love,
Girls are an Ass-Pain
Dear
Ass-Pain,
Girls are pretty stubborn, but this takes the cake. You're going to need to slap some reason into this broad.
First, corner her. Get her into a situation where she can't escape.... you know, lock her into a closet, child-safety-lock a car, trap her in a dark alley. Bring an empty box, large-sized and beautifully gift-wrapped, but empty. When she's good and scared, ask her what you're holding. Judging by the glittering ribbons and lavishly rich colors of the wrapped box, she should eventually venture beyond her terror to guess that it's a present. After she gives this correct answer, applaud and untie her. Explain carefully why, exactly, this was a gift. Be sure to mention the wrapping paper, the bows, the little tag with her name on it. Inquire where the gift wrap on the gaming system was... ask if it was addressed, tied beautifully, sparkling. She should admit that it was not. Remind her that Nintendos are available on E-Bay, quite reasonably priced. After reaching this point, she should realize her faulty judgment and relinquish your property.
If not... send an email my way. I know how to keep bitches in line. It's my job.
Sadistically yours, Julie
Dear Julie:
When I play video games for extended periods of time, my eyes start to feel funny. It's not like I'm about to cry or anything (I'm no sissy!), it's more of a feeling akin to leaving your contacts in for too long, or wearing your brand new glasses for a long time. I want to be able to engage in day-long gaming marathons without my eyes giving up on me; do you have any suggestions for curing my ailment?
Bleary Eyed Wonder
Dear Bleary Eyed Wonder,
Take a break, buddy! All-day gaming sessions are great, but I'd recommend a good ten-minute break every hour or so. Go outside, walk your dog, call your significant other and declare your love. If you absolutely cannot stay away from the game, invest in some eye lubricating drops. They should make your eyes feel refreshed and clean. They're available at your local drugstore for a reasonable price. But this is definitely a last resort. Don't play video games ALL day. You can always buy eye drops, but once your dignity is lost, it can never be reclaimed.
Clearly,
Julie
|
I'm not a psychic, I'm not a prophet, I'm not God, but I know what's good for you better than even you do. E-Mail me at jkozarsky@gamecola.net for advice on gaming, and the world in general. |
XIV.
Way to
Let Everyone Know You're a Total Dork of the Month:
T-Shirts from ThinkGeek
You have to wear clothes, right? I mean, there are decency laws and all those kinds of things to consider. Plus it’s sometimes cold out and you need something to keep you warm. Well, since you have to wear clothes anyway, why not wear ones that say something about you? Perfect ice-breakers, shirts can be. These shirts in particular, are pretty much perfect for anyone into video games… which everyone reading this should be. There are 4 black shirts and one cedar one… emblazoned with the following:
Now, you can’t honestly say that none of these
shirts appeal to you… especially when you look at Paul’s sweet photo of
them. They pretty much scream to the world that you are a total dork, and it’s
about time everyone admits that. There’s no shame in it, and the ladies love
confidence. Trust me. These shirts can be purchased from www.thinkgeek.com,
if you are interested, for around 15 bucks each. Not too bad at all.
Congratulations to last month's contest winner, Matt Wright (yes folks, staff members CAN enter!), whose favorite part of the issue was Be Careful What You Search For. We hope you enjoy your bracelets, Matteous!
Remember, to enter this contest, all you need to do is e-mail freestuff@gamecola.net, and tell us what your favorite part of the issue was. That's all. You don't even have to explain why, you can just put "The Gates of Life" in the subject line, and you're done.
After that, you'll be entered into a drawing with the other two or so people who e-mail freestuff@gamecola.net, with a winner being selected at random.
The prize this month? A collection of awful CDs. These albums entered my life during a time when I thought those "buy twelve CDs for the price of one" scams were a pretty keen idea, and I've been trying for years since to get rid of them. Not only will you be giving me peace of mind if you enter this contest, but you could also discover that yes, that dude who made "The Thong Song" actually performed a few other tunes as well!
So hop to it! E-mail freestuff@gamecola.net
and tell us what your favorite part of the issue was!
- Graphical Artwork by Eric Regan
- Additional Editing by Heather Keels
Entire contents © 2005 by Paul Franzen. All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyrights reserved herein, reproductions of GameCola in any manner, whether in whole or in part, without express written permission, is strictly prohibited. All submissions including, but not limited to, artwork, text, photographs, and videos become property of Paul Franzen. All trademarks and copyrights are property of their respective owners. All products and characters are property of their respective trademark and copyright owners. Copyright in all screenshots is owned by their respective companies.
GameCola readily welcomes product information for all video games. Such materials should be addressed to: GameCola, 3 Deer Trail, Tabernacle, NJ, 08088.
Enjoy GameCola, homeslice? Please tell your friends and anyone else who might be interested all about it!
