Volume
4, Issue 12 - December 2005 |
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Also Featuring: Andrew Zintl, sper, Becca, Zack Dusedau, poodle, Genevieve Regan, "I’ve Only Just Heard of GameCola, So of Course I’m Not On Its Staff" and "I Wanted to Be Her Link" |
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To paraphrase the late, great Yakko Warner: It's that time of the year again.
I could just leave it at that, really. Leave it to the reader to do his or her own research. Check out here, or here to figure out what I'm talkin' 'bout.
But homey don't play that game. It's time for our yearly "Please Send Me Stuff Because Next Month is our Massive Janish" drive!
Over the past three years now we've managed to bulk up our January Issue to the point where it's nigh on impossible to read it in just one day, and we've done it with the help of Readers Like You. We've printed dozens of letters, artwork, guest reviews, guest columns, and just about anything else that makes it into my inbox, with the possible exception of those e-mails extolling the virtues of enlarging my man-parts.
Aside from our usual array of fan submissions (read: anything), we're also looking for new staff members. That's right—you too could become a part of Team GameCola! We're of course always looking for new reviewers, people who want to write monthly reviews about any videogame in existence so long as we haven't cover it already; but we also have a number of spots open for columnists. Games for the Casual Gamer, Great Moments in Gaming, You Learn Something New Every Play, along with other retired columns and a slew of original ideas I don't want to divulge here are open to anyone who wants to write them. Or we could go with any original ideas that you've got up your sleeve, pardner!
But that's not all! No, of course that's not all! Starting now, we're also looking for artists. People who would want to depict scenes in The Gates of Life or Digital Championship Wrestling, both of which could be vastly improved by no longer being just massive blocks of text. We could also use a good artist for Cheat Codes for Life as well because, quite frankly, the person who's doing it now just isn't cutting the mustard. If you know what I mean.
In sum: Please send us guest reviews, letters, artwork, photographs, comic strips, fanfiction, AIM conversations, poetry, and anything else sitting on your hard drive just waiting to be shared with the world.
In sum 2: Please join our staff as a reviewer, a columnist, and/or an artist.
That's about it! Many changes are abound with our Janish, so don't panic if you log onto the site next month and something seems a bit off. We've got planned the biggest change since Allec Johnson redesigned our site in 2003.
I'm just sayin'. 
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
II. 
Letters.
The part where you forgot that there is one character in a fairly well known game with much facial hair. I am of course referring to Barret from Final Fantasy VII. I forget if any of the Shinra people from that game had facial hair, but I think some of them did. I mean, it's not like you can effectively dress up as a 300 lb. black man, but maybe as one of the Shinra peeps. I think Tseng had facial hair.
- Andrew Zintl
- Having never played the game I've gotta take your word for it, but those who have played
the game tell me Barret isn't quite the hero of Final Fantasy VII.
Matt and his wonderful ears. I want to touch them even tho I am a racist liberal who punches boys in the boob.
- sper
"You're balancing your keyboard on your bare lap as you desperately try to wipe your ass with your primitive bathroom tissue.
You fail, get shit on your hand, and in a moment of panic jam the shitty finger into your own eye socket."
It made me laugh... out loud, and have my roommate think I'm crazy!
- Becca
that you are offering an alex mack book. i got the whole season downloaded along with Are You Afraid of the Dark? bet the books would be cool.
seriously though, the test game was cool and so was the review of the FF movie, which in hindsight sucked, but first viewing ruled. (it was so bad i left it at my grandfather's house in Panama)
on a gamecola nostolgic note i miss Neil's loafy carl comic.
- Zack Dusedau
i thouigh it sucked be cause i still can't get my rock rpg or my fighter game that boastes 2000 characters to work. notting ever works. i have no money left over from the summer. the sega still works??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
- poodle
- The sad thing is, I actually know who this is and what he's talking about.
That Final fantasy was such a travisty a skateboarding monkey is better.
- Genevieve Regan
Fanfiction.
"Why does he always do this to me?" Paul wondered aloud. It was 11:50
p.m., ten minutes before the deadline, and of course, Matt didn't have his stuff in yet.
Paul drummed his fingers against his computer desk in agitation. All he asked was that his staff write some articles for him and get them to him by midnight. Was that unreasonable? Was it too much to expect?
Paul was even more irked by the fact that everyone else seemed to have been able to meet with his requests—everyone except his best friend, Matt, who happened to share an apartment with him.
Remembering all the way back to last month's due date, Paul realized that he would once again need to confront Matt and demand his just rewards if nothing came his way soon.
Paul found his fingers twitch faster as some remote part of his mind contemplated what those rewards might be.
Finally, with less than a minute left before midnight, Paul lurched upright and left his room to venture out into the wilds of his apartment..
Before he knew it, Paul found himself in front of Matt's door, and he knocked twice.
The other boy opened the door from within, and the two pairs of eyes met briefly.
"Where's your stuff, man?" Paul said in what he thought of as his harshest tone.
Matt looked at him blankly for a little while, and then said, "Wait.... The deadline's tonight?"
Paul smacked himself in the head with his hand. He should have thought to put a post-it note on Matt's door earlier!
"Yeah, it's tonight. Do you think you could whip something up in the next few minutes or so?"
Matt sighed deeply, and Paul couldn't help noticing the rise and fall of his well-formed shoulders.
Finally, Matt said, "Yeah, I guess I can do that. I've got ideas for my review and such, but I have no idea what to write for Of The Month. I guess I'll just write about the first random thing I see like I usually do."
Paul responded with, "Yeah I suppose that'll be fine. Just let me know when you've got the stuff. I'll be in my room."
Paul turned to leave again, and was almost out of sight of the door and very nearly in control of his shaking hands again when he heard Matt call out to him. "Hey Paul, wait," he said.
"How about this," he continued when Paul turned around again, his breath catching slightly in his throat.
"What if I did a Mario themed Of The Month?"
"Um.... Sure," Paul replied. "Do you have something Mario-ish to write about?
"Well..." Matt looked down briefly, almost as if he was shy—but Paul quickly discarded that thought. "Do you remember that Mario thing I gave you for Christmas last year?"
Paul thought for a minute. There was only one Mario-themed gift Matt had given him last year, but he mustn't get his hopes up that Matt meant that gift.
He decided to go with a safe answer. "Wait, what?" he said, and gave himself a mental pat on the back for such quick thinking.
"Haha, you know man," Matt went on. "The boxers."
"Haha, oh yeah," Paul replied nonchalantly. "That gift. Well, what did you want with them?"
"I just thought I could write about 'em is all," Matt clarified. "Do you have them around? I'll need a picture of them to go with the article."
Paul felt himself blush a little.
"Well actually, um," Paul paused before going on, "I'm sorta... wearing them."
Matt's eyebrows raised in surprise. And then Paul could almost swear he saw a smirk flit across the other boy's face.
Then Matt said something Paul thought he'd never hear:
"That's alright. Just drop your pants, man, and we'll get a picture."
Paul nearly fell over in surprise.
In a daze, his hands wandered towards his belt, but then Matt cried out, "Not in here! Jesus!"
Paul laughed in what he thought must be a mix between embarrassment and relief. Mostly relief, surely.
The two boys had a good hearty laugh over the misunderstanding.
Paul turned to leave for real this time, and Matt let him go.
When he returned to his room, GameCola's editor-in-chief settled down on his bed and weighed his possibilities.
He pulled out his camera and looked at it, debating thoughtfully about what his next course of action should be.
Ten minutes later, Paul sat at his computer again, ready to send the resulting pictures to his buddy.
When Matt was ready, Paul sent him two pictures:
One of the famed boxers by themselves, lying on Paul's bed.
And one of the boxers in the same position, but with a Paul in them.
He closed his eyes and waited to see what the other boy would do.
- The Lizo
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This is your place to shine, readers! Send us just about anything, and chances are we'll paste it in here. Letters, artwork, poetry, photographs, comic strips, fanfiction — anything you can think of, you send it to us, and we'll put it in an upcoming issue. Sound good? e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net |
III. 
For those wondering how our ratings system works, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to our reviews.
Our crack review squad* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a videogame, which are:
Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced while playing a videogame,
Audio - the music and sound effects of a videogame,
Controls - the physical means by which a videogame is played,
Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a videogame, and
Replay Value - a videogame's worth in playing after completion.
Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, as they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.
Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being the absolute rock-bottom, epitome of all awfulness, five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a videogame's quality.
The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of videogames from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.
Got it? Now you can go ahead and see what we have to say this month.
*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.
Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.
(Please note: GameCola welcomes
its readers to send in their reviews of any games we've yet to cover.
Please keep in mind, however, that we do not currently review PC titles, and as
such, we are unable to publish any PC game reviews you send us.
Thanks!)
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre:
It is unfortunate that so many people refused to accept the change that came with Zelda
II. Nintendo, presumably trying to make a game that would appeal even more to American gamers than the first Zelda outing, produced what is relatively considered to be the ''bad'' Zelda, due precisely to how beloved the original Zelda formula was and how wedded fans were to it. I, however, having never even played The Adventure of Link until after I had played and absolutely loved A Link to the Past, still happily embraced its decidedly different style. It's not a simple extension of the first game of the series, but it's still a great, groundbreaking game. Successfully blending side-scrolling action with RPG style character development and story/puzzle based gameplay, Nintendo took their two best genres and blended them with traditional role-playing elements into a stylish and deep game, which unfortunately never enjoyed the mass acceptance that the other Zelda games have.
Zelda II successfully blends three genres into one. The first and most apparent of these is the ''overhead action RPG'' element, which is very similar to the original The Legend of Zelda. In Zelda
II, this functions as the ''interface'' of the game. You travel along on the overhead map, from which you can use certain items, enter caves or villages, and sometimes interact with your surroundings in primitive ways. The main difference here is that you cannot attack and are not attacked while in this mode. The battles themselves, as well as the dungeons, caves, labyrinths, and towns, are all presented from the side, ala
Castlevania.
This is the second element that makes up Zelda II. Your basic moves in this mode include jumping, slashing, and ducking, though they can be updated or augmented with magic, items and experience. When you wander from the safety of a paved road on the map, enemies represented by shadowy blobs and monsters begin to move about. Contacting any of these draws you into a random battle scene, at which point you must fight or flee. Villages, palaces, caves, and other places that you intentionally venture into also feature this style of play, and you must talk to people, search for items, and explore the 2-D terrain in order to advance the storyline.
This is where the third element that makes up the gameplay comes in. Random battles, experience points, and character interaction are all points taken from the traditional RPG. As your character gains experience you can upgrade your health, strength, and magic all to your liking, and not bothering to do so will leave you hopelessly vulnerable in the later parts of the game. Also, carrying out tasks based on what clues other people give you lead you to spells and items that are necessary to proceed, and sometimes to rewarding secrets.
So how does all this mixing turn out in the finished game? Seamlessly. All the elements blend together, never distracting or confusing. The game is self-explanatory, and it only takes a few minutes to get used to. Mastering it, however, is another story.
You start out in Zelda
II standing (from the side perspective) at the bottom of a set of steps leading up to a sleeping princess, presumably (in case you don't have the instruction booklet, which features a very detailed, and what is my favorite Zelda story yet) Zelda. As Link, you've got to return
six jewels to the foreheads of some creepy statues in order to wake Zelda up from the sleep induced by
Gannon. Where are the statues? As you can probably surmise, they're each hidden deep within a palace, and every palace is controlled by
Gannon and his evil goons. This is bad news for Link, but good news for us. Each palace is a complex labyrinth filled with a wide variety of enemies and requiring dexterity and perseverance. You have to search for the palaces, and then get inside and find your way out all within three tires. But it's not quite that simple. There are forests, boulders, rivers, and even huge road-blocking demons standing in your way. You've got to spend some time between each palace to find your way to the next. All this adds up to hours and hours (probably at least ten the first time through) of intriguing gameplay. And you'll probably want to play through it more than once, especially since there is a ''second quest'' that's extremely fun available once you beat the game.
But all is not perfect in Hyrule this time, and some parts of Zelda
II have me longing for the original Zelda along with the mass of the
game players of the day. For starters, this game is decidedly more linear than its predecessor. The grand sense of exploration that pervaded the original Zelda game is lost here to more clean-cut, objective based gameplay. Sure, there are a few secret items here and there, but nothing that can truly be called a side-quest. Also, some of the executions of said linear tasks are a bit too needlessly time-consuming, if not flat out frustrating. Having the location of a key item narrowed down to a particular forest, but then having to search that forest block by block while being attacked by enemies every three seconds is not my idea of puzzle-solving. Secondly, Zelda
II features a limited number of tries per game. After you use up your tries, you must start back at the very beginning. This can often lead to repetitive journeys through enemy-infested continents after each failed attempt to finish a palace. It doesn't sound that bad, but I would rather have had a simple addition to this feature of being allowed to restart at the entrance to a palace within which you died, thereby alleviating the pain of having to travel back from step one, but still forcing you to finish each palace with only your allotted three tries. Fairly, though, you do eventually gain items that allow you to take shortcuts, but those of us who are used to the modern conveniences like state-saves, Zelda
II may seem a little discouraging.
All in all, The Adventure of Link is engaging, challenging, unique, and great fun, if a bit linear and frustrating. As an adaptation of several different genres, it isn't anywhere near what the third Zelda was to the first, but I contend that it does have the Zelda ''feel'', and that most fans should enjoy it if they give it a chance.
By far the best thing about Zelda
II's graphics is the look of the side-scrolling aspect. Link was only one ''block'' before, and he still is on the overhead map view here, but when the action sequences unfold you see him and all the enemies in a new light. No longer short and pudgy, Link is now a tall, slender boy with twice the graphical detail making him up. The enemies also sport a much higher level of detail, including some as tall as or taller than Link.
The environments vary a great deal. I don't think another Zelda game had quite as great a sense of geographical vastness until Majora's Mask. In the north-most area lies a desert, with an ocean as its boundary. Paved roads lead to murky caves, which open to swamps, rivers, and forests. Haunted graveyards and cities ranging from vibrant to deserted to destroyed are scattered about. A labyrinth version of Death Mountain is included, as well as islands, inlets, and the obligatory fire and lava area. The only thing missing is snow! Each type of area features a different color scheme, from the purple, ominous skies in the graveyards to the bright blue behind the towns. The palaces themselves are also all unique from each other, boasting different themes of statues, architecture, and, of course, enemies. The only gripe is the brick backgrounds in these levels. The scrolling brick patterns seems to flicker, and this can be a bit hard on the eyes.
The end result is a colorful and realistic visual portrayal of the land of Hyrule that bests similar efforts in almost every way. Zelda
II's graphics really give you the sense that you are traveling across a huge body of land and undertaking a dangerous adventure that could make a complete thematic change at any moment.
Just because Zelda II features mostly side-scrolling gameplay,
don't expect a recycling of the Super Mario Bros. machine. This combat engine has been specifically designed for pattern-based swordplay. It is mildly reminiscent of the original Castlevania, though it thankfully allows us to move mid-jump.
First, there is no run feature. Link constantly runs at a steady speed, and he reaches his highest speed in about 0.5 seconds. Once he is running, he can jump further. Furthermore, tapping the jump button and holding it do not result in the same height difference that they do in most platform games. Link has a shield, and you must visually line it up with the projectile or weapon you wish to block, either by ducking or jumping.
Link can also slash a short distance with his sword. In order to successfully defeat an armored enemy, you must attack their weak points and then move out of harm’s way before you are counterattacked. Different enemies require different strategies, making for a battle system with a very fair learning curve. When Link himself is hit, he is knocked back and does the typical ''flash momentarily'' thing to give the player a chance to regain his wits, and when he strikes a wall or an enemies armor/shield, he is pushed back a bit as well. Herein lies is the only thing that irked me about Zelda
II's controls. When Link takes damage and flies backward, you lose control of him until he hits the ground. This is a common style in side-scrolling action games, but I detest it. I just don't like being forced to fall into a pit when I could be given a chance to save myself. This complaint is a matter of opinion and style, so I can't really deride the game for it. Zelda
II's controls are responsive, workable, and suited to the type of play involved.
I've always been impressed by good sounding music on the NES. It must be a truly demanding art form to make a few square wave frequencies and that awful drum hiss ''noise'' sound like real music. Even in the company of the greatest tunes of the system, Zelda
II has got to feature some of my absolute favorite music. The mutated ''overworld theme'' bolsters my heroic spirit. The relentlessly foreboding dungeon music intimidates me. The towns feel relaxed and soothing. HAL knew it when they made Super Smash Bros. Melee, and I agree with them. Zelda
II has some of the most under-appreciated music in all of gamedom. I keep a home-made soundtrack in my CD player to this day, in fact.
The sound effects are equally worthy of the Zelda franchise. The clanging of swords, Links grunts of pain, and the relieving song of the fairy are all beautifully rendered. Little detailed extras, like the sound of Link landing on the ground and that of a projectile dissipating against or bouncing off of his shield, are the icing on the cake. When you die,
Gannon mocks you with a booming laugh. These sounds are the pinnacle of NES audio, from before the dumb obsession with digitized speech and overdone, unrealistic realism later in the system's life.
It's sad that this game wasn't more loved by players. Had it been, Nintendo might have been more encouraged to inject some originality into their other franchises. But even as the black sheep, The Adventure of Link deserves a place among its brothers, and the same respect.
Nintendo:
Zelda II - The Adventures of Link |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
9.2
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| 9 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 8 | |
Platform: Super Nintendo
Genre:
Side-Scroller
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: June 1992
Developer: CORE Design Limited
Publisher: Sony Imagesoft
Chuck Rock makes me wonder what real cavemen would think of the way media tend to portray them. Would they like being seen as grunting, club-brandishing mopes? Would they like being seen as slack-jawed clods with an affinity for loincloths?
And, most importantly,
would they like being seen as oafs fond of beating dinosaurs to death with their
ample
guts?
These are the questions raised by CORE Design’s 1992 Super NES side-scroller, a game that, strictly speaking, doesn’t appear to have any sort of plot whatsoever. It’s a lot like Shadow of the Colossus in that regard, though Shadow doesn’t feature quite so many boxing dinosaurs wearing boxing shorts. And yes, you really do beat things with your gut in Chuck Rock. Your gut is actually your main weapon, though if you’re feeling saucy you can kick things in the face, too.
Another thing you can do in this game, appropriately, is chuck rocks. Many puzzles in this game are solved by doing precisely that, a fact that escaped me for an inexcusably long time. I actually had to enlist the aid of two fellow 'Cola staffies to figure this one out. Yes, it took three GameCola writers—the entire Board of Directors, no less— to figure out that the main character in a game called Chuck Rock, in fact, chucks rocks. Our college tuition at work, I suppose.
Chuck Rock features the trifecta of obnoxious, groan-inducing side-scrolling levels: cave, water and ice. It’s almost as though the developers did so intentionally, in an effort to show that these sorts of levels don’t necessarily have to be awful. They succeeded. CORE made cave, water and ice levels that are tolerable, though by no means amazing, meaning that they’re probably the greatest video game developers this world has ever seen.
(For those keeping score at home there’s also a jungle level, and a graveyard/dinosaur’s innards level [complete with what appear to be sperm monsters] that seems totally stripped from Joe and Mac.)
Chuck Rock gets what so many side-scrollers can’t understand: that life bars are good, and insta-deaths are bad. There isn’t a single insta-death in the entire game, not even if Chuck takes a nose-dive into a pit of acid.
Curiously though, eating food does nothing to replenish Chuck’s life whenever he does take a hit. All it does is add points to your total score, which doesn’t actually serve any purpose. (It doesn't even give you extra lives, for Pete’s sake! And continues? Fuggetabout it. The four lives you start with are all you get.) Instead, you must devour hearts to recover health. Not the hearts of your fallen foes mind you, just hearts chillin’ on the ground, doin’ their own thing, causin’ no one any harm.
You’re pummeled constantly from every direction in Chuck Rock, and yes, before
you ask, those directions do include vanek and gipp. There are ample hearts
scattered throughout the levels, and you’ll need to devour every last one if
you ever want to accomplish whatever it is Chuck is trying to accomplish. The
game’s only got a handful of levels, but don’t let that fool you—the
lack of lives makes Chuck Rock fairly challenging, and it might actually take
you a few weeks to complete the game.
Chuck Rock is going to make me fail my next physics exam. There’s gonna be a question like, "Can you jump substantially higher when you’re in water than when you’re on land?" and I’m gonna be like "Yes!" because that’s what Chuck Rock taught me. It also taught me that pterodactyls are perfectly willing to carry me by the hair to the next platform, and that kicking a submarine in the face is enough to smite it.
(It might amuse you to know that I failed my physics mid-term and dropped the class not too long after writing the above paragraph.)
Look, I’ll just come out and say it: My gut needs more range. In the game, I mean—my real life gut is the reflection of perfection. I can’t hit any dinosaurs without getting powerful close to them, whereas many of their kind have ranged weapons, such as snowballs and dirt, and can thus deplete my life from far away. Perhaps some sort of elastic-gut would be more effective. I’m thinking a Stretch Armstrong sort of gut. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Oh curses, I’ve lost my concentration. What do I do now? Write about audio and visuals I suppose, but there isn’t a lot to say. They’re passable, and I’m especially amused by the "boing" sound that accompanies my gut-thrusts. In fact, I daresay that "Chuck Rock and the Gut-Thrusters" would be a tremendous name for a band, and you can quote me on that. That about sums up how I feel about this game’s audio and visuals.
I feel as though I could give this game a 10 out of 10 for its weaponry alone; Chuck Rock features quite possibly the greatest primary weapon in video game history. But aside from the main character’s stomach, Chuck Rock is a cool game. Its levels are short and vaguely innovative, and it’s the sort of game you’ll want to come back to and see how quickly you can beat it, or how many different ways you can beat it.
I wouldn’t recommend
going out of your way to purchase Chuck Rock, but if you find it at a yard sale
or a used game shop or whatever, it would be a worth addition to your videogame
collection.
Super
Nintendo:
Chuck Rock |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
6.9
|
| 7.5 | 6 | 7 | 6.5 | 7.5 | |
Platform: Sony
PlayStation
Genre:
Survival-Horror
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: Mature
US Release: February 1999
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
When I first picked up this game, I had a very good reason: Resident Evil was super-cool. I was expecting to pop it in and get my survival horror fix. I was looking forward to conserving unreal amounts ammo and health (having myself been conditioned to do so by RE), seeing a cheesy sci-fi/zombie story unfold, and maybe playing a second time to get some cool items. One thing I did not expect to do was to become freaked out enough to turn off my console and leave my house.
Let me start by saying that nothing in the media has ever scared me before since I've been old enough to remember, and Resident Evil most certainly didn't. I never thought in a million years that a video game could invoke any real fear in me. But Silent Hill did. I can only describe the feeling I got when I first played it by taking the intensity of a roller-coaster and combining it with the instinctive imagination-running-away fear of being in a dark forest alone and hearing whispers all around (you know it’s happened to us all.) About five minutes in I realized I was NOT in Raccoon any more, and that this was not going to be a videogame. It was an experience. In case I haven’t made a clear point yet let me do so with a simple declarative statement: Silent Hill is very scary. RE had surprising moments, and maybe even some spooky ones. Sometimes the monsters closing in would even cause a tingle on my neck. But I was never truly scared. I was with SH.
Now that the analysis of what makes this game different from RE (and from all previous videogames), I can evaluate it as a video game.
Silent Hill’s premise is simple. You've had a wreck and lost your daughter, and you have to find her and get out of Silent Hill. But things don’t go that well. And they don’t look too promising, either.
Stuck in Silent Hill, things get really weird really fast. You control the protagonist from a changing third-person perspective as he tries to navigate the town and stay alive. You must decipher clues, search buildings and fight nightmarish creatures as you slowly come closer to the truth behind your situation.
Giving away much more that this would be a sin. Suffice to say, you end up using weapons and solving puzzles ala Resident Evil, and a city isn’t the only place you’ll visit. Silent Hill’s gameplay is so based on atmosphere and primal fear that you just have to experience it for yourself to see what really makes it a 10.
Necessity is the mother of invention, they say. I did realize right away the fog in this game was to hide the popup problems that would naturally be inherent in a game with an engine like this, and I have heard some negative criticisms of
this; but I actually think it contributed a very good deal to the suspense of being chased, the overwhelming sense of being hopelessly lost in a town you don’t know your way around, and just the dark mood in general. Some of the patches used for the wall textures seemed quite low-detail, but this is to be expected of a
PlayStation game of its time (and on one disc!). The town and other locales themselves are rendered quite nicely, with realism in its plainness (and a bit of surrealism for those who pay attention), and what is probably the most elaborate detail I have ever seen. The designers also seemed to know what fear “looked” like, as you will see when you travel to some of the occult-inspired settings.
The characters all have decent poly-counts and realistic animations, and the monsters’ movements drove me almost insane with creepiness sometimes. Witness the zombie-child slowly come into focus from the darkness, and realize that there are two! See the “eight man” (basically a zombie monkey) leaping behind you—as fast as
you—and find yourself tilting the controller forward like you did when you were six years old. Harry’s (the main character) pocket light is also one of the neatest uses of light-sourcing I have ever seen. I wasn't as impressed with anything similar until
Code: Veronica. The characters’ lack of a cinematic level of detail is also made up for with the sparse-but-gorgeous CG cutscenes, and Konami does this as well as, if not much better than, any other game up to its time.
“RE’s controls sucked because of ____.” Fill in this blank, and you’re likely to make a somewhat valid point about the controls of Silent Hill. Also similar, and just as valid, is the argument that the controls can be mastered if you spend time with them. The dramatic and sometimes dynamically shifting camera angles that seem to want to prove to you that a non-static camera can more than make up for the lack of rendered backgrounds can have you cursing the controller at first. (Think RE—you have to remember what direction the character is facing and push “up” to go that way—and add to this a camera that moves, and sometimes even “spins” as you do.) But this point cannot be considered very valid for at least a couple of reasons: there are very seldom any such camera tricks used in a combat situation, and if you have
t
rouble, the L2 button allows you to switch to a view behind our hero Harry (or a quasi-first person view if you access the secondary menu options.) All in all I would say that the movement is at least on par with RE.
Another factor that deserves special mention is the vibration function. Although I think the analog stick is crap for this game, the vibration adds one more element of immersion and provides a very special function. You will feel Harry’s heartbeat as his health drops - from the slightest quiver at 5/6ths to a worrisome rumble at 1/6th. This is not, as others have claimed, the only way to judge your health without switching to the menu (pay attention to Harry’s breathing when you stop moving—heavier panting after relatively little running means less health), but it is certainly a good reason to have a dual-shock for this game, especially on hard mode and very especially if you want to try for a high score.
The aiming is… well, another story. On some level, this can be understood (Harry is a writer, and we can assume he doesn't have much experience shooting pterodactyls and the like) and is explained to some degree. However we as gamers
are experienced with guns, and for those of us going for a high score, Harry missing a shot at point blank is just unacceptable. You can learn several tricks regarding the glitchy aiming, but there is really little way to get it to do what you want consistently. This is really the only thing about the game I didn't like, and I might have even liked it if it weren't such a big deal to avoid missing shots for the final tally screen.
The sounds in this game push it along more than you might realize your first time through, because of precisely how big a part of the overall experience they are. All of the sounds are done very well, but never get in the way. You never know when some creepy or surprising ambient sound is waiting in a room, and those of you on blood-pressure medication might consider taking an extra dose before getting into some of the darker areas of this game. The sounds of the protagonist and the monsters are also all realistic and mood-setting, and the radio is the icing on the cake. Harry’s radio, which emits white noise when a monster is near, is probably the biggest element in creating the immediate fear-factor. You
know there is a monster as you approach it, whether the camera wants to show you or not, and your heart starts pounding in anticipation of the moment of fight-or-flight. (The turquoise babies prove to be the ultimate anticlimax in this system, and left me shivering throughout the game.) The voice acting is so-so, and doesn't quite reach the same “haha” type of so-so that RE gave us, so you’ll have to try a little harder to be amused by it. The problem here is not worse-than-usual voice talents, but the designers’ decision to have the voices pause mid-sentence to allow the subtitles to catch up. This is a small but forgivable blemish in an otherwise impeccable sonic landscape, and is more than made up for by the game’s music.
Not enough can be said to praise this game’s music. It is such a well-incorporated and large contributing factor to the fear that many may not even notice it, but it is there. In fact, one scene is even based entirely on the music (notice the second sewer scene.) I don’t think I can even describe this soundtrack in words. Just as much as Konami knew what fear looked like, they also seem to know what it sounds like. Much of it is just “creepy ambience.” But make no mistake—it is musical, just in a really weird-out kind of way. The music is “layered” so that different sounds can fade in and out, always appropriate for what they are complimenting, but still maintaining the same beat. Here we see another intensifier of the suspense: the music will get louder and scarier right when there is nothing to be scared of in a room. (This may also be to counteract the fact that you already know there is nothing there because of your radio, or perhaps to make sure you can hear the monsters’ sounds when they are there - another case of necessity bearing invention?)
The developers also knew when silence was golden, and contrasted it with the fast, chase-scene type of stuff. This can really get your pulse pounding and keep you on your toes. Tracks like the percussion-driven “nurse attack” just can’t be matched by anything in RE, and I think it’s twice as scary as what an orchestra could produce. When the game finally gives in and plays “real” music (mainly in the opening/ending cinemas), we hear unbelievably well-produced, high-quality tunes that lean toward some acoustic guitar rock, well fitting the old-time feel of the cinematic theme, and complete with the popping of the records. Let me get this over with:
This game’s music does as good a job complimenting the game as any has ever done. Assuming that this is the purpose, I will call it perfect. Stand it alone, and maybe it’s not what you’d play in your car or dance to, but it serves its purpose flawlessly.
Silent Hill is a real experience—different from normal gaming. In this aspect I consider it similar to Shenmue in that it breaks ground in its field. It’s fun, and it will scare you. I am a big fan—after attaining the near-impossible 10 stars, I decided to reserve this game for every Halloween, and I play it alone and in the dark, like a ritual.
But it is also a video game, and it is a fun one. This is the first non-RPG game I have ever really mastered. Other games have been fun, but after the ending credits it was over for me. But there is something addictive about SH (White Claudia, anyone?), and the replay value is there to back it up. Not only is there the star ranking system to test your speedrunning and monster-slaying skills, there are many cool secret items,
five distinctly different endings, and enough chills to keep you up for weeks (I have been through this game 19 times, according to my memory card.)
If you think you are immune to scary media, this game is for you. If you like scary stuff, this game is for you. If you are just into video games and don’t like to be scared… well, it’s a great and groundbreaking game, so just play it during the day with the lights on and someone sitting next to you.
Sony
PlayStation:
Silent Hill
|
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
9.3
|
| 10 | 10 | 8 | 9.5 | 9 | |
Platform: Microsoft Xbox
Genre:
First-Person Shooter
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: Mature
US Release: November 2005
Developer: Valve
Publisher: Electronic Arts
Looks like I’m going to have to eat a little crow this month. See, a few issues back I reviewed Halo and I was a little hard with the PC crowd. I think it’s jealousy on my part. Sure, I’ve got a decent work computer, but my home one is shit. I tried running Battle Chess on it and it sank to its knees and begged me to unplug its surge protector and then pray to Raiden, god of lightening, to strike it down. I’ll admit it: That was a bit fucking hurtful.
Quick story. It’s
September 9, 1999. Sega is set to launch the always under-appreciated Dreamcast.
I buy one with
one and only one goal in mind: I want to play Half-Life. Badly. I was a poor lad
then, so no cool $3,000 computer for me. I’d drooled over this game for
months, and I wanted it. I skipped like a little girl down to my local
Electronics Boutique and plunked down the entire pre-order amount. I’ve
never done that before or since. Then it got delayed. And delayed again. And
delayed again after that. I mean, the official strategy guide came out, for
chrisssake. Oh, then they cancelled it. While I was out buying nuclear weapons
to blow up the world, I paused and came to a realization: Oh, that’s
why I’m so bitter. Therefore, when a shitload of first-person shooters
start coming out all over the PC scene it makes my blood boil. I simply don’t
have the expertise or scratch to fund a hardcore PC gamer’s lifestyle. I had
to sit back and watch Doom 3, Painkiller, Far Cry, F.E.A.R., and of course, Half
Life 2 come out on PC. Sure, some come to the Xbox; albeit altered. I’m still
waiting for my goddamn Painkiller port.
But not Half-Life 2. The entire beautiful, stunning, moving, life-asserting single player game has been crammed and jammed into my Xbox. Somehow. I’ll say it loud and clear now: Half-Life 2 has the greatest single player mode in the history of first-person shooters. This game is goddamn brilliant. It has no equal. Halo and Halo 2 just basically bent over and said, "Well, go ahead and just do us up the ass since we’ve been owned." For me, the single player experience is the way to go. I’ve never taken Halo 2 online. Nor will I for Quake 4. I despise online gaming unless I know for a fact who I’m playing against. If I want to hear some 12-year-old in New Jersey call my mama a "straight up skank whore" I’ll just go to New Jersey and start slapping random 12-year-olds until one of them gets pissed off enough to insult my mother.
Look, I know everybody wants a great, long detailed rundown of the story, the gameplay, the graphics, etc., but c’mon here. If you’re a regular reader you know this is a newsletter. I don’t have fifteen pages like Gamespot or 1-up to go on and on about how the character Alyx’s left boob is slightly larger than her right (it’s not; I checked). You’re reading this because you want to know what I thought of this game.
Fucking brilliant, is what
I thought. I’ve heard the PC crowd go on and on about the gravity-gun, the
incredible physics, the G-man, the graphics…. Fuck, I wish I was home playing
this thing right now. I love this game the way you
loved that certain game from junior high you used to play on your 
Nintendo
or Sega or Turbo or whatever for hours on end. When you first get off the train
in City 17 and see all the activity, the draw distance, the huge monitors with a
1984ish vibe and creepy, leering Dr. Breen booming down on you, or maybe just
these little chirping cameras that hover and snap photographs, you are positive
you’ve been transported to another world. And when you use your gravity gun to
pick up a saw blade and cut some sucka in half, you know you’re playing
something special. To any and all PC aficionados out there that I may or may not
have offended before with my ignorant comments, I offer this: I sincerely
apologize. This game is legend.
Of course, if you go to the IGN message boards and you happen to catch the toddlers up from nap time and posting away, you may come across a bunch of retards saying things like, "fuk this gaem buy the pc one because if you by this one yu are so gay the frame rate is like five frames pir second i want to merry teifa from final fntrasy sevin caues i loveherLOL LOLOLOL!!!!!!"
The frame rate is a little wonky. What do you expect when you run a game of this graphical splendor on a nearly five-year old machine? It’s gotten universally good reviews from just about everyone (except Game Informer, which blasted it because of FUCKING DROPPED MULTIPLAYER—you know, maybe some of us just don’t give a shit about multiplayer and only want a quality single player game), and for good reason: It’s a technological achievement unparalleled this generation. I feel the same thing I did when I saw Quake up and running on my Sega Saturn: awe. I was drawn into Gordon’s story (fine! He was a scientist in the first, got sucked into a war, had to make a choice at the end, chose to live and work for the G-man, cue the opening of HL2). I wanted to see who he’d run into next (apparently Barney was in the first one). I wanted to see the next graphical wonder. I wanted the next perfectly weighted gun so I could blow some hell into bad guys. Most importantly, I wanted to be Gordon Freeman, and I was. What could make a video game more special or appealing than that?
Valve officially has
permission to have sex with me at any time, any place. And only my wife and
Rachael Leigh Cook could have said that before. And Snuffleupagus. You know,
from Sesame Street.
Xbox:
Half-Life 2
|
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
9.8
|
| 10 | 9.5 | 10 | 10 | 9.5 | |
So, here we are again. Another month has gone around, and TestGame has settled itself comfortably on the back burner of the stovetop that is my life. The astute reader will notice that there really is not that much new to talk about this month. To the non-astute reader, I say: Wow! TestGame sure is great this month! It will knock your socks off!
*sigh*
This will all change, however, beginning next month. For you see, soon I will not have classes and homework to steal my life away—for a month or so, anyway. And boy do I have some good things planned for TestGame….
But seriously, I did do some things this month (mostly all things that take a lot of effort for not a lot of result). You may notice an increase in prettiness due to the fact that I put some more hours into backgrounds (again), and making characters look like they’re actually walking. The exploring types out there may be interested in knowing that as of this month, the whole entire first part of the TestGame world now exists. This means that, amazingly, wherever there’s a path that looks like it should go somewhere, it actually does. Also, this means that I can’t just slap together a new screen and call it my major improvement for the month anymore, so I will be forced to work on other things—like plot, or something.
So anyway! Enough of this talk. Have some testgame, why don’t you.
TestGame
v.8
(no extra programs needed to run this file)
P.S. Send me your voice! I want a Thurston to act for me! Yes, I’m talking to you, and don’t look at me like that.
Things to do/new features of note:
Animated Thurston! (finally)
Brand new screen to explore! (Take the downward path from the crossroads.)
Improved main forest screen background.
Upcoming tasks for Lizo:
New character and more plot.
Yet more artwork and animation, etc., etc.
Anything else that comes to mind.
All the graphics and design are by Lizo. The dialogue was written by Lizo, with significant input by Paul. Paul is voiced (appropriately) by Paul Franzen. Lily is voiced by Lizo. The giant 7-headed ogre-type monster is voiced by Jenny. Adventure Game Studio (the program used to create this game) can be downloaded at http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/
- Elizabeth "Lizo" Medina-Gray
I promised Bonsai trees, but that would involve me having to look shit
up. I still have to be punishingly boring though, so I present to you the dullest topic possible: my daily life!
5:55 AM: Get woken up by a discordant series of beeps I designed myself to be impossible to sleep through. Shut myself in the
bathroom—which is literally too narrow for any
non-midget adult to spread his arms out in—until the space heater warms me up.
6:05 AM: Make the freezing-cold trip from the bathroom to the shower. The water soon re-warms me.
6:25 AM: Move two bottles of frozen coffee from the freezer into my backpack.
6:30 AM: This hot action is only for our gold club members! Join today!
6:55 AM: Start the painfully long trip to work, with Super Smash Brothers Melee, Muzai Moratorium, and Tenacious D in the background.
7:10 AM: Take the local train. It takes twice as long, but it allows me to avoid being accidentally anally raped by briefcases and umbrellas on
the semi-express. Remind myself that the fact that 18-year-old girls are staring at me doesn't mean that they'll do anything but go ghost
white and cry if I talk to them.
7:35 AM: Switch trains. Fantasize about slowly murdering the assholes who stand BESIDE the line and then try to break into it once the doors
have opened. It's not like we don't see you, you worthless fucking SCUM! Leave your houses earlier! Or better yet, do the world a favor and jump
off of a fucking bridge!
7:40 AM: Shudder with desire as the schoolgirls get on, half-hoping that one will get crushed into me, half-dreading the messy aftermath.
Remind myself that the fact that they stare at me doesn't mean anything good will come of talking to them. What I did at 6:30 pays off here.
7:50 AM: Make my way to my cafe, where I buy coffee I can't really afford. This is the most relaxing time of my day.
8:20 AM: Leave the cafe, and start to work.
8:35 AM: Show up at work. Get the good bathroom stall before anyone else shows up. Wash my body with alcohol before changing clothes.
8:45 AM: Go to my desk and dick around on the Internet, or write shit like this for you ingrates.
9:00 AM-12:00 AM: Work for too little pay. The contents of my work are so exciting that you reading them would probably cause your
grandparents' heads to explode, but unfortunately they are also highly classified.
12:00 AM-1:00 PM: Dick around on the Internet, or write shit like this for you ingrates.
1:00 PM-5:00 PM: Work for too little pay. The contents of my work are so exciting that you reading them would probably cause your grandparents'
genitals to explode, but unfortunately they are also highly classified.
5:00 PM-5:15 PM: Stand around unpaid, grinding my teeth while waiting through a meeting where people decide whether they're going to stay late.
If you want to go home, just fucking go home! Why must you just continue to mutter "Hm... uh... yeah..." until somebody feels sorry for you
and suggests that you go home? Fucking MORONS!
5:15 PM: This is where it turns Choose Your Own Adventure! Do you stay late and sacrifice... well, everything else in your life but your
minimum wage job? Or do you face the accusing faces of those you leave behind? I base the decision on how badly I want extra money.
PATH A: STAY
5:15 PM-6:00 PM: Dick around on the Internet, or write shit like this for you ingrates. Japanese companies seem to love putting this "mandatory
break" right after the official quitting time to "allow" employees who want to go the extra mile to do so without the terrible inconvenience of
getting compensated for it.
6:00 PM-9:00 PM: Work for too little pay. The contents of my work are so exciting that you reading them would probably cause your grandparents'
hearts to explode, but unfortunately they are also highly classified.
9:00 PM: Go home. On the way, remind myself that the prostitutes staring at me cost more than I want to spend. Drink milk because there's
no time (It's almost 11 by now) for food, but I haven't eaten anything all day. Sleep.
PATH B: LEAVE
5:15 PM: With a smile in my heart that only the anticipation of having time to prepare and eat solid food can bring, start the trip home.
6:45 PM: Prepare an ungodly amount of "instant" foods, or order a pizza, depending on how close it is to payday. Put on the Simpsons and eat
until I collapse on the floor in a pile of drool. But before I slip off into the blissful escape of sleep....
9:00 PM: This hot action is only for our gold club members! Join today!
That'll teach you not to e-mail me. But I'm also here to teach you how NOT to spell in this month's edition of...
Wacky Japlish
What can I say? It's an oldie but goodie. I do know that I'm not going to pay that much money to have a person who obviously can't be bothered to open a dictionary or check the Internet BEFORE OPENING A FUCKING BUSINESS cut my hair! But the same rules don't apply when it comes to pizza. Pizza I can forgive....
Richo out!
>VI. 
On the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I've been ordered to bestow my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.
Zack, Zack, the Lego-Maniac:
I write for a vaguely popular online videogame newsletter. Well, write should be in quotes.
Like this: “write.”
That’s actually why I’m e-mailing you. I don’t know how to get my writing done at any time before the hour of the deadline; and, of course, my writing then suffers from being rushed.
How does one motivate one’s self to write such things in advance?
Thanks,
I’ve Only Just Heard of GameCola, So of Course I’m Not On Its Staff
Dear I've Only Just Heard of GameCola, So of Course I'm Not On Its Staff,
Oh I get it. Let's write an e-mail to Zack about him waiting until the last minute to write his shit. Very funny, Beardo.
Well, when I do actually write, my motivation usually works like this: I play an old-school
game until I've built up just enough hate to squeeze out a good amount of words. As you can see, this still doesn't keep my reviews from being among the shorter ones.
Recently, my Nintendo-playing has been inducing so much hate that instead of writing,
I've been more-compelled to go and destroy something.
So for my advice, I suggest that you get off my dick, and I'll write this shit when I fucking feel like it.
- Zack
P.S. On the off chance that this letter was not written by Mr. Franzen, then I would suggest that you either try to write your articles ridiculously ahead of time, or quit what you're doing and find an online videogame newsletter that has enough readers for you to actually get feedback on your stuff. It's hard to get into writing when you aren't sure if anyone is even reading it.
Dear Zack,
I was at this gaming convention, and I couldn’t stop following this girl dressed as Princess Zelda. I must
have asked for her picture a half dozen times, and I think she was starting to get creeped out, because she
was very obviously avoiding me.
Why are girls so dense? Why is it so hard for them to realize that a guy likes them? I was just trying to get
her attention—she could’ve treated me a little
better.
Almost in Love,
I Wanted to Be Her Link
Dear I Wanted to Be Her Link,
This is quite a common problem for nerds at conventions. They see one attractive
girl, usually in costume, and they automatically think they've found their new girlfriend. And of course, the guy usually does something stupid. Instead of trying to talk to her like a normal person, you followed her around and took her picture, which is pretty creepy.
So it's wasn't a matter of the girl being dense and not knowing that you liked. It sounds
like she knew exactly what was up. And to be honest, I don't blame her. You went to a gaming convention, and tried to get a girlfriend by taking her
picture a bunch of times. You probably are a creepy nerd. You've probably jerked off to pictures of scantily-clad videogame women, and that's certainly your
prerogative. It just isn't going to get you laid anytime soon.
-Zack
|
Need gaming hints, but you don't know the URL to gamefaqs.com? Need to know if you pulled out in time? Need some ridicule that's disguised as advice? Not sure if you just smoked crack or meth? Then write to Zack at zhuffman@gamecola.net. |
VII. 
Welcome to another highly anticipated edition of the famed thumbs that are
super! Coming at you STRAIGHT from GameCola HQ, so you know it's got to be special. This month I will
be treating you with a esteemed collection... of crap. Yes I have to come clean and admit it right
now: These games will not be wowing the pants off anyone anytime soon. Well, anyone not suffering brain damage at least!
So, lights, camera ACTION!
X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse (PS2)
HA! Gotcha! Not ALL the games are total crap; I had to throw in a decent one. This game is just
that... decent! It plays exactly like the first X-Men Legends, which isn't a bad thing
because that is a very entertaining game. It does fix a lot of the annoying things from that game which is another plus. It also adds a fun little
trivia section, and some of those questions can get pretty hard! Even for... okay
probably not for X-Men experts but for ME, some were hard. However it is not a total upgrade from the first game. The story
in this game is decent but nothing exciting, and might be a bit boring at times if you do not fanatically love the fabled costumed heroes.
The interaction between the player and the
non-player
characters in the game is kinda of lame as well. The questions you have to ask to find out information never change even
when the plot of the story tells you to go back and talk to people—BIZZARO! Anyways it
still is a very fun game, especially because it lets me cause massive amounts of destruction with
Wolverine! WOLVERINE!!
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs say... THUMBS UP!
Animaniacs (SNES)
If you loved this cartoon... just like, punch yourself in the face a few times, for me, pretty please? I never was much into this
cartoon so I did not think that I would be liking this game. Lets just say... I AM a smart man. This game is
a lot like many other crappy Run Around Lame Stages and Collect Things to Finish
Them kinda games. Yeah I guess it has some sorta genre, but I really don't care enough.
THEY SUCK, and this is one of the lamest. As you run around the Warner Brothers studios gathering items you have to avoid
security guards because once they touch you, that member of your Yakko , Wakko and
Dot trio is no more! That is, until you rescue them. Sort of like the first Ninja
Turtle game, you know, the one not known for being good. So after a lot of snoozing and
a lot of death, you will most likely scream or throw something in anger or just other generalized
unpleasantries.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs say... Thumbs DOWN
Drug Wars (DVD)
Oh, the marvel of $2 DVD/PS2 games! Well... I doubt you will ever find someone willing to risk their
PS2 with this, so you may just have to settle playing it on a DVD player, like me! The controller is your
DVD remote and the "game," as it is hard to define this... thing... as a
game, is all pretty much the same thing. Watching videos and then moving the little
box that denotes where you are shooting over the bad guys face and clicking the uh, button that
makes you shoot! INGENIOUS... well not really. Pretty sad, actually. Not only that
but maneuvering your shot box is pretty slow and cumbersome, and that is only after you
actually learn how to maneuver it! Once you get shot it is back to the beginning
to start over... which if you play, you will be seeing quite a few times..
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs say.. Thumbs DOWN
WWE Crush Hour (PS2)
I for one am a fan of wrestling, and games involving blowing stuff up are
usually quite fun! SOoo this game seemed like it would be a slam dunk winner.
IT'S NOT!! OH GOD IT'S NOT!! The horror... the hoorroorrr. I don't think you could come up with a more
dull, slow game. The number of weapons for your sweet ride is very restricted and most of them only
last for one shot. The rest of the time you drive around with your weak little pea shooters or whatnot trying to snipe your
rivals as they whizz by, or leisurely cruise in front of 
you.
Overall its just a very long drawn out version of a playable car destruction game. Only those truly
obsessed with the warriors of the squared circle will find any enjoyment what-so-ever in this game.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs DOWN
WWF In Your House: There Goes the Neighborhood! (PSX)
Continuing with the wrestling genre... well technically that last game wasn't a wrestling game, and well,
I'm not even sure you can call this game a wrestling game either. So continuing with the games that deepen the pockets of
WWE: I present you with WWF In Your House. This game actually takes place inside a wrestling ring! Some freaky wrestler themed rings
however, a lot like stages in a fighting game. Which is exactly how this game seems to play for me.
It MIGHT be the fact that the graphics resemble the early Mortal Kombat games and
that there are very few "wrestling" moves that you can actually do in the game.
A lot of punching and kicking are innovated and some more damaging goofier attacks with animations are there
as well. Also power ups and other arcade-y elements that just seem really out of place. There is a small but decent
variety of characters to choose from but very slight variations so if you're playing against the same one as you
get ready for some confusion! The game is pretty entertaining a bit for the novelty although it will wear off fast and your just left with a
horrible bastard child of wrestling and fighting games. Really I must ask, doesn't
anyone think of the children? THE CHILDREN!
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs DOWN
Well, would you look at that! FOUR thumbs down! A new SUPER THUMBS record,
I must say. Of course the quality of the games doesn't matter; everyone knows that this was
yet again the GREATEST! edition of the Thumbs yet. I would like you all to congratulate
yourselves for being part of this grand occasion! That's right! You DESERVE IT!
You witnessed a great piece of history, HUZZAH. Be sure to come back for what is bound to be
fabulous next edition next month! JANISH!
Paul: Hello again everybody, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! I'm Paul Franzen and with me tonight is "Captain" Eric Regan, and for the first time in DCW history we've actually got a sponsor! Isn't that right, Eric?
Eric: Oh HELL yes it is right Paul!
Eric: Of course, they don't actually make the product anymore...
Eric: But it's a start!
Paul: Darn tootin'! Tonight's main event is brought to you by Crystal Pepsi, the "clear" alternative to normal colas.
Paul: And it's rather apropos that Crystal Pepsi would be presenting tonight's matchup, isn't it Eric?
Eric: It sure is Paul! Because tonight is a night filled with ill-conceived concepts, just like our main event's two digital anti-heroes.
Paul: Yes folks! We've got Shadow the Hedgehog taking on Wario in... well... a regular matchup, but for us that's pretty out of the ordinary, I'd say!
Eric: WHAT?! There aren't any metal pails on a pole?? No dirty mops for them to pummel each other with?!
Paul: Nope! Not a single solitary light bulb for our combatants to smash on each others heads! It's standard, it's regular, it's catch-as-catch-can—it's whatever you wanna call it, and it's only here, on Digital Championship Wrestling! Let's get this match underway!
Eric: There is the bell! Our two combatants have that killer look in their eyes; this will be on helluva match up!
Paul: Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start things up, with Wario getting the clear strength advantage. Shadow is quickly brought to his knees, and then kneed in the face by Wario.
Eric: Ouch! THE FACE Paul, THE FACE! Yet, Shadow seems unfazed! The hedgehog seems to have a tight grip on one of the uh... fat guy in yellow's hands.
Paul: I don't think that's really gonna matter, Eric! Shadow's gotta stop holding Wario's hand and start dishing out some damage. Though, I guess Shadow's always been one to latch on to other people, and try to gain fame just by being associated with them.
Eric: Oooh Burn. Not a fan of the quick buck, are we Mr. Franzen?
Paul: Not as such, no. Shadow slides between Wario's legs, still holding onto the Mario clone's hand. Jumping up behind the pseudo plumber Shadows applies one of the deadliest holds known to wrestling: The sleeperhold.
Eric: WHAAT?! NO WAY!! I thought they banned that devious and deadly maneuver! IM SHOCKED.... Who the hell would want to be a pseudo plumber anyways, that's... one sorry, sorry existence.
Paul: Blame Nintendo! They're the one's who thought that making a bizarro-world edition of Mario was an absolutely brilliant move. Wario's drifting, drifting away... could this match be over already??
Eric: I'm not so sure. That Wario has a lotta girth; Shadow might not be able to squeeze all of that life out of him.
Paul: I'm not so sure, Eric.... Wario's eyes are slowly shutting, and yes, they're closed! Referee Pete Gas picks up Wario's arm and lets it go, and it drops right away! Two more drops and this match is over!
Eric: NEVER! I have faith in our unhealthy, unkempt warrior! He WILL survive.
Paul: Gas raises the arm again, and it drops yet again! One more time Eric, just one more time! One more time is all we need and we've got the quickest victory in DCW history!
Eric: Get up you damned yellow balloon!! It can't end like THIS! You're embarrassing the entire Nintendo name! EVERY SINGLE LETTER OF IT.
Paul: Pete Gas raises Wario's arm that one final time, holding it in the air for what seems like an eternity. Then, he lets it go.
Eric: Will he... WILL HE DROP!? The anticipation is unbearable!
Paul: Seconds pass. Minutes pass, or at least they seem to. Hours pass. Week after week after month after year and pretty soon, a few lifetimes have come and past. Generations and generations later, in a world populated with androids riding hover cars, in a world only seconds away from the apocalypse, we see what happens....
Eric: Stop your day dreaming Paul! WARIO'S HAND IS UP! The match is still on.
Paul: Oh, right.
Paul: Wario stands right up, Shadow clinging to his back, holding on for dear life. Wario falls backwards and slams his foe hard on the mat. He'd better be careful! We just patched up a major hole there!
Eric: Ooh you can just see the ring buckling under the pressure.... But it stays! Looks like somebody finally opened the wallet a bit.
Paul: Wario springs up and barrels on over to the turnbuckle. He hops up, stumbling a little on the way up but he finally makes it to the top. He dives off the top rope, headed straight for Shadow!
Paul: And he misses, crashing down hard on the canvas.
Eric: Punches to the faces, falls, SLEEPER HOLDS! Just what kind of clash of epic proportions IS this?!
Paul: It's the kind you'd expect from such utterly lame characters! This time Shadow's the one who gets up, and he now climbs up the turnbuckle. Somehow, that doesn't seem like a great idea.
Eric: Oh man... I hope I don't have to witness a Stinger Splash tonight. I just dont know if I could handle that.
Paul: Shadow goes for one of those high risk maneuvers, and it actually pays off! A Shawn Michaels-esque flying elbow straight to the chest of Wario.
Eric: I'm sure he will feel that one sometime in the coming weeks!
Paul: Shadow springs right back up, and brings Wario to his feet. Slingshots the pseudo plumber into the turnbuckle.... I wonder what he's setting him up for!
Eric: ...no.
Paul: Shadow runs to the other side of the ring and then runs back, and BY GOD, he's just absolutely NAILED Wario with a Stinger Splash!
Eric: Perfect. Just perfect.
Eric: Now, there is only one more move that could possibly top that... and... oh no... God no... Shadow isn't going for THAT move, is he?
Paul: Shadows moves back a bit, and Wario is dazed! He stumbles forward, and you might just be about to get your wish, Eric.
Eric: NO!! It can't be! Get back to your senses Shadow! YOU DONT HAVE TO BE THAT LAME.
Paul: Running bulldog brings Wario face-forward to the mat, and now I am quite certain we're about to see it!
Eric: I knew there was a reason we didn't do these "normal" matches you're so fond of.
Paul: W! O! R! M! Wooo woo woo woo!!!
Paul: Shadow does a little dance and hits Wario with a falling chop.
Eric: NOOO!!
Eric: WHAT THE HELL! I sure hope we dont have to pay Scotty 2 Hotty any royalties for that travesty.
Paul: Satisfied with himself, Shadow goes for the pin.
Paul: One! No wait, he didn't even get a one count. My bad.
Eric: A PUNCH TO THE FACE, and Wario seems alive again! Oh joy.
Paul: Awesome! I was afraid this stellar matchup was almost over!
Paul: Another punch, and another... and another... and another... and another...
Eric: BY GOLLY! I think I just saw a kick!
Paul: Darn right you did! Shadow is down, and now Wario's going for the pin! One... one... one... dammit Gas, where are you?? Did someone poke him and knock him out??
Eric: I think he is off enjoying some samples from our sponsor.
Paul: Pepsi Clear! The "clear" choice for a new generation.
Paul: But no Eric, I don't think that's it! Wario still has Shadow pinned... I think we're up to about a 75th count now... and referee Pete Gas seems to have fallen asleep from the God-awful boringness of Wario's offense!
Paul: But hey, I think Wario tends to have that affect on people, whether he's in the squared circle or on your TV.
Eric: We can only hope these two digital failures soon go the way as that cola.
Eric: Finnally THE GAS MAN is up!
Paul: And he's counting the pinfall! One... two... AND SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG IS UP!! By GOD, how did he do it??
Eric: He must have channeled that little bit of lameness that resides in all of us.... How lucky we are.
Paul: Collar-and-elbow tie-up, and it seems as though we're starting this match from square one!
Paul: But wait... Pete Gas is calling for the bell... what is the meaning of this??
Paul: Ring announcer Charlie Haas is speechless! He has no idea who to announce as the winner!
Eric: Not the crowd, that's for sure!
Paul: Pete Gas waddles out of the ring and whispers something into Haas' ear...
Paul: "The winner of this match, as a result of generally not being very interesting in the ring, or in life in general, is no one! The referee has ruled this match a double disqualification."
Eric: Wow, we cant even do normal matches correctly.
Eric: VIVO DCW!
Paul: Well... uh... I guess that's it then! Darn, we were so close to just having a clean victory, too.
Eric: Just another 6... 7... 8 hours, tops.
Paul: Next week on DCW: 8-hour Iron Man rematch between Shadow the Hedgehog and Wario! You won't want to miss it!
Eric: Uuh yeah, I feel a cold coming on that day; I might have to call out sick.
Paul: Good night everyone, and we'll see you next month in the Janish for the Dino Riki Invitational Battle Royal!
Eric: Oh yeaah! GOOD TIMES ABOUNDS.
Paul: Dammit man, say goodnight!
Eric: Why? They are all already asleep .
Eric: Adios amigos!
- Paul Franzen and Eric Regan
IX.
Really Awesome Virtual Creatures Game that Lizo Loves
of the Month Because She's Taking Over GameCola Mwahahahahaha:
Creatures!
I don't know how many of you have played, let alone heard of, this game. Well, technically there were three PC games (and more, if you count the children's versions, and maybe a
Game Boy version?), but I'm talking about the original PC one here.
This game rocks, and was, as far as I can tell, pretty popular in the mid-late 90s when it and its sequels were released, but the company that made it has since dropped off the face of the
earth—or else been devoured by some other company or something. The gameplay revolves around hatching and raising a group of "norns" (that is, good creatures) teaching them to talk, reinforcing good behavior and discouraging bad behavior, and then breeding them when they're mature enough.
The language aspect is pretty darn awesome. The creatures are born knowing the name you give them, but insist on using words like "bibble" unless you teach them otherwise. Once they know English words, you can interact with them and tell them what to do ("push food," "come hand," etc.) through the use of a keyboard, and even ask them to tell you what they're doing at the moment.
The Creatures world is large enough to give your norns enough space to explore, but compact enough so that you don't lose track of them.
Also, breeding is cool. This game uses what the developers claim to be virtual genetics, so it's possible to breed creatures for specific traits. I had a strain of creatures at one point which lived about 10 times longer than the other ones, and I swear I had a green-tinted one once (although that could've been in the third
game. I forget).
Even though this game was made quite a few years ago, it's still crazy fun to play around with. The norns are cute and endearing (except when you get one that insists on alternating between staring at and pushing the same elevator button for half an hour straight), and there's plenty of things to do. For example, I like to play by hatching a bunch of creatures and getting them started in the world, and then leaving them alone for a few hours and see if any of them manage to actually survive by themselves and reproduce.
Creatures is cool and fun. Go play!
Actually yeah, the third game rocks as well, so you can play that too!
- Elizabeth "Lizo" Medina-Gray
Congratulations to last month's contest winner, Becca Clipper, whose favorite part of the last issue was Low-Rent Adventures in Japan. We hope you enjoy your Are You Afraid of the Dark and Alex Mack books, Becca!
Remember gamefans, all you have to do is tell us what your favorite part of the current issue was. After that, you'll be entered into a drawing with whoever else enters, and a winner will be selected at random.
The prize this month?
Seven Assorted Magic: the Gathering Cards!
No, I'm not going to tell you what they are; but I can tell you that all major colors are represented, one of the cards is uncommon, and one of the cards is rare. None of the cards are land, and none of the cards are repeated. And while they're not in particularly amazing shape, they're not in particularly horrendous shape, either.
And for the price you're paying ($0.00), you really can't beat it!
So, there you are, then! Tell us what your favorite part of the issue was, and you too could own one of our fabulous prizes!
- Graphical Artwork by Eric Regan
Entire contents © 2005 by Paul Franzen. All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyrights reserved herein, reproductions of GameCola in any manner, whether in whole or in part, without express written permission, is strictly prohibited. All submissions including, but not limited to, artwork, text, photographs, and videos become property of Paul Franzen. All trademarks and copyrights are property of their respective owners. All products and characters are property of their respective trademark and copyright owners. Copyright in all screenshots is owned by their respective companies.
GameCola readily welcomes product information for all videogames. Such materials should be addressed to:
GameCola, 4318 Knox Rd. #3406B, College Park, MD 20740Enjoy GameCola, homeslice? Please tell your friends and anyone else who might be interested all about it!
