GameCola Volume 3 Issue 9: September 2004

Volume 3, Issue 9 - September 2004
Quenching Your Thirst For Video Entertainment ©
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Starring:

Also Featuring: Tannersaurus REX!!, Guy Who Misses Jenna, Akimika, Matthew M. Matthews, and Mark Muto

One to screw it in, and nine to argue about how the old one was so much better."

Naturally, this got me to thinking about the Grand Theft Auto series -- specifically, how there isn't anybody saying that the first two games are better. Actually, I rarely -- if ever -- hear anyone talking about the first two games at all, which leads me to believe that the gaming community (or at least those punk casual gamers who only play GTA, Madden, and Halo) as a whole believes that the GTA series started at Grand Theft Auto 3.

I actually lost my GTA virginity with Grand Theft Auto 2 on the PC, and to be honest, the gameplay seems almost identical to that of the newer titles. Sure, it's presented in a different matter -- you have 2D graphics and a top-down view of the game -- but you're still scurrying around completing missions that have you stealing fire trucks so you can attach a flame thrower to them. This makes me wonder why GTA3 and Vice City are so much more well known than their predecessors. Is it the flashier graphics? The rockin'er soundtracks? The hookers? The Lance Vance Dance? Or were they just marketed better?

Obviously, I have no way of knowing for sure (though I'm leaning towards the Lance Vance Dance); I'm no seer who can peek into the brains of thousands of gamers across the globe. But it's something you can post about in the forums! No, seriously, you can. You can go right ahead and post there about why you think Grand Theft Auto: Vice City gets talked about way more than Grand Theft Auto 2. I'll even make a topic for you to post it in. There, done. Now go do it! C'mon guys. Please? You know, I'd stop plugging the forums every friggin' month if you'd actually listen to me for once.

P.S. Please give a warm GameCola welcome to Eric Regan, our newest staff member! If you've been reading my P.S.'s over the last few months, you'll have noticed that he's been doing graphical work for us. Now he's on our staff to both do that and write for us GameCola's newest article, "Captain Eric's Super Thumb Feature Presentation". Check it out!

Thanks for pointing out my inconsistencies, Matt! I sure do love it when people take the time to scrutinize my hard work! Anyway, the simple fact is, I wrote that top ten a LONG time before it was printed. Maybe four months ago. Astro Boy had just been released then, and I was on an AB high at the time. Thus its placing.

Regarding Dynamite Headdy and CoI, I replayed CoI later and realised that it truly is timeless and my favourite game ever. If I had the chance to go back, CoI would certainly be no. 1 in my Top Ten.

- I can't say where Loafy Carl has been for the last couple of months, but if you scroll down just past our reviews section, you might see something you like.

Convince Jenna to come back, or at least her evil twin. That was a great advice column. This new advice columnist, Julie, sounds like a sex-deprived little nut. Think of the effect on the little children!

- I find it kind of funny that this e-mail was sent to me by the same person claiming to be Jenna's evil twin. Perhaps "Guy Who Misses Jenna" is upset that he didn't get the role as GameCola's Advice Columnist? In any event, I don't think Jenna's coming back any time soon, sorry.

I noticed there hasn't been a Loafy Carl in a while so I thought I'd help you out:

I see that look in your eyes. I can hear your heartbeat growing rapidly faster. I can smell your desire. You wanna send something in to GameCola! Have thoughts on the current or a past issue? Have a drawing or photograph you'd like to share with us? How about some poetry? Or anything? Anything at all? We're not very choosey. So go for it, send your stuff in.. what do you have to lose?

e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net

For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.

Our crack review squad^* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:

Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.

Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.

The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.

^{*Paul Franzen
was the only member of the crack review squad involved in
creating the GameCola ratings system.}

Platform: Sega Master System
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: June 1992
Developer: Sega
Publisher: Sega

First things first -- this game is NOTHING LIKE Sonic 2 on the Genesis. It plays more like a Mario game than a Sonic game -- but this is no bad thing. This game has plenty of merits and is in many ways superior to its 16-bit cousin.

This game plays slower than the average Sonic game, but don't be fooled -- there are no puzzles to speak of! The game consists of seven zones, each with 3 acts, one of which comprises a boss battle. It is less accessible to new Sonic fans, due to the large number of hard-to-control gimmicks that crop up (the hang glider being a prime example).

The plot is nothing outstanding... Tails has been kidnapped by the evil Dr. Robotnik (assumedly to lure Sonic to his lair in the Crystal Egg zone) and the seven Chaos Emeralds have been scattered, again, for no discernible reason. This basically sets the scene for lots of shenanigans and plenty of hidden secrets.

I've said this before about another game, but if you can't control Sonic, you're crap. That's all there is to it. D-Pad moves, Buttons 1 and 2 jump. Easy. The hang glider, however, is an unwieldy contraption, and it will take many attempts to pull out of your perpetual nose-diving. Unless of course, you're gifted.

It has been said that this is one of the best Sonic games ever, regardless of its age. The vast (and I mean vast) number of hidden 1-ups will keep you searching for months! Almost every wall yields some kind of bonus, usually an extra life. While this draws you back to the game, it also makes it unnecessarily easy to complete.

The loops from the game's Genesis cousin have finally come to the 8-bit, and they certainly look impressive on the humble Master System.

This isn't the hardest of games -- a halfway curious player will have maxed out the life counter at the end of the second zone, and if they have skill, that's where it'll stay. It still has its tricky moments -- the bosses are surprisingly durable in most cases. Also, the final three zones are testing at times -- the volume of spike traps in Gimmick Mountain zone has to be seen to be believed.

The samples are just some noises from Sonic 1, but the music is special. It has a catchy sort of drive to it, some highlights being the Green Hill zone music and the Sky High zone.

Crisp, colourful sprites are the order of the day here, paired with interesting and intermittently impressive backgrounds. Bosses are impressive, particularly the Bird from the Sky High zone... a multi-layered battle in the clouds.

Hidden rooms will be the main draw to return to this game. The Chaos Emeralds are fairly simple to find (and the location for one of them came to me in a dream -- no kidding) with repeated games, thought he extra zone they yield is fairly disappointing. The fun factor should also be enticing -- short of Castle of Illusion, this is the most playable game on the console.

Definitely a game to buy if you own the console -- this is a surprisingly different Sonic game with plenty of replay value. Shame about the lack of two-player, but then again, this is an 8-bit machine.

Sega Master System: Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 9.1
8.8	8.2	10	9.1	9.4	Overall: 9.1

Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: October 1992
Developer: Realtime Associates
Publisher: American Softworks Corporation

Sküljagger for the SNES is a typical side-scroller. You climb up ladders, jump across pits, and fight enemies. It does provide a lot of entertainment. You take the role of a pirate. Besides your sword, the weapon you acquire is bubble gum. There are four types of gum: cherry, orange, grape, and lime. Cherry allows you to blow a bubble that makes you float

up into the air. Orange gum turns into a grenade so you can blow up your enemies. Grape gum encloses you in a giant bubble that can bounce high into the sky. Lime basically makes you dart around the screen, killing enemies in the way. The nice thing is that there is a bubble gum practice stage, so you can figure out how they work.

The music in the game is pretty good. It fits into the levels very well. The sound effects include your sword slashing, bubble popping, and enemy crushing. Everything mixes together and sounds great while battling through a level.

The graphics are, for the most part, average. Environments in the background are spectacular. They are great views from high up on a cliff, or inside the hull of a boat. Characters are drawn cartoon-like, which fits perfectly.

The controls are pretty good in Sküljagger, but they could have been improved. They aren't as swift as they could be. The bubble gum can get frustrating. Keeping a cherry bubble inflated, or bouncing high with grape gum can be a challenge. It either takes a lot of practice or it can be nearly impossible to master.

Replaying this game provides a good time. The levels seem pleasurable even after they become memorized. Blowing bubbles is always good for a laugh. The reason I bought this game is because I saw the German title, Sküljagger. "I want to own a game called Skull Hunter", I said. I didn't realize I was getting a decent game. It is a much better game than I expected.

Super Nintendo: Sküljagger: Revenge of the Westicans
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 5.6
7	6	6	4	5	Overall: 5.6

Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: February 1995
Developer: Sega
Publisher: Sega

To me, Ristar is almost a platforming utopia; it features almost no frustrating bits, no sudden changes in difficulty, and no screwed up controls. There are very few games that I have played that are like this, and that is why I regard Ristar very highly. Using interesting g

ameplay features and colourful worlds, Ristar stands head and shoulders above most platformers of its time, and I'll explain why.

The story of Ristar is simple. An evil ruler plans to take over a universe by controlling the minds of the various inhabitants of the planets. You play as Ristar, who is a freakish hybrid of a star and a black ball. This star freak thing has a strong sense of justice, and set out to stop the evil ruler dead in his tracks. It is not the most original story line ever, but it is a platformer so you really don't care.

The graphics on Ristar are really something. Each world is colourful and each have their own unique look to them. The sprites themselves are very well detailed, and throughout the game you can clearly see Ristar express a number of different facial expressions, depending on the situation. Many people may not wish to play this game because the graphics may make it look "kiddy", so always remember that these people are morons who should be shot, preferably more than once.

The sounds and music are also perfectly matched in with the game's style. The music fits in with the level environments very well and definitely makes the game feel more alive than it makes you reach for the mute button.

Now I have decided to leave talking about the actual gameplay 'til last; this may be because I am in a strange mood tonight, or it may be because I have just drunk two pints of Absinth -- make up your own mind. Ristar is equipped with a pair of stretchy arms that help him get through levels. He can do all kinds of things with these, from using them to reach high branches to helping him defeat enemies. He grabs onto his foes and releases the elastic energy in his arms, causing him to rocket forward and give the unlucky victim one hell of a head butt that sends them flying 'round the screen. Each boss is interesting, with distinctive strategies to use. There are also some interesting puzzle elements, and some particularly cool parts which involve swinging 'round a pole to pick up speed, and then letting go to send you jetting off (most of the time in the wrong direction, in my case).

The game also features a lot of replayability. After getting all the chests in the game (and that is a bitch, let me tell you), you discover a password that unlocks different types of play, such as time attack mode and boss rush mode. You can also set the game onto hard mode for a real challenge, and if you do that then there are two secret game modes that are even harder, which are unlocked with the password system.

Overall, Ristar is an enormously fun platformer, with a lot of colorful characters, settings, and gameplay options. If you have a Genesis then I highly suggest that you look for this game, and if you have a GameCube than get Sega Mega Collection, because this game is featured on that. If you are a PS2 or XBox owner, then you're going to have to wait for Sonic Mega Collection Plus to come out. Soon all the gaming world will have an opportunity to play Ristar; don't turn it down, because I promise you that you will enjoy this rather strange adventure.

Sega Genesis: Ristar
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 8.14
9.2	7	8.5	9	7	Overall: 8.14

Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre: Fighting
# of Players: 1-4
ESRB Rating: K-A - Kids-Adults
US Release: November 1996
Developer: Sculptured Software
Publisher: Acclaim

1996 came and went during a downtime for the World Wrestling Federation: Hulk Hogan was gone and making waves in rival promotion WCW, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin had yet to prove himself as a franchise player, and Monday Night Raw was littered with superstars such as "Fake Razor Ramon", evil hockey player "The Goon", and guy-with-a-jockstrap-on-his-face "Aldo Montoya". The Rock was getting heckled as smiling-dufus "Rocky Maivia", Triple H was losing matches to "Freddie Joe Floyd", and current World Champion Randy Orton was just starting high school. It was a scary time.

And yet, during this pro-wrestling depression, Acclaim saw fit to release one of the better pro-wrestling titles for the PSX/N64 generation of video games: WWF In Your House: There Goes the Neighboorhood!. I say "better" in the sense that it's better than Acclaim's other sports entertainment titles

-- it, like pretty much anything else in this specific genre, doesn't hold a candle to THQ's digital masterpieces.

There are three modes of play in WWF In Your House: WWF Season, in which you successively defeat a bunch of wrestlers, Intercontinental Championship, in which you successively defeat a bunch of wrestlers and then win the Intercontinental title, and WWF Championship, in which you successively defeat a bunch of wrestlers and then win the World title. Those people at Acclaim, they sure know how to mix variety into their fake sport concoctions! There's also modes for 2-4 players, including battle royals and tag-team matches. It would have been nice to see a single player battle royal mode, or even something zany like an exhibition mode, but I guess too much programming space was spent on having The Ultimate Warrior shoot bolts of lightning from his fingertips.

Speaking of The Ultimate Warrior, this game features ten superstars from the era in which it was released. And I'm not talking world-class jobbers like the Brooklyn Brawler, either -- most of these characters are main-event level, or at least close to if. You've got "the bizarre one" Goldust, "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith , "The King of Harts" Owen Hart, "the blue blood" Hunter Hearst Helmsley, "the stinky elephant or whatever" Vader, and "I once had a feud over the letter 'T'" Ahmed Johnson. Each character comes with his own specially-designed arena, meaning that you never have to brawl in a drab wrestling venue. Shawn Michaels has us fighting at a rock concert, The British Bulldog has us fighting on the streets of London, and The Ultimate Warrior has us fighting in a Scottish field. You're still fighting in a ring, mind you; it's just that this ring is located in the center of, say, a house of cards. The ring is also often littered with various powerups in the shape of the WWF logo, some of which can kill you, some of which can heal you. I bet if you tune into Smackdown! this Thursday night, you won't be seeing Billy Kidman pick up a little toy and suddenly no longer be bleeding from the face. Only here, man. Only here.

The graphics in this game are actually a lot better than the ones in future Acclaim WWF titles; instead of the blocky, polygoned superstars of WWF Attitude, you've got digitized brawlers that look something akin to the bloodlust buddies of Mortal Kombat. I know, it seems weird that I'm saying Genesis level graphics are superior to those of PlayStation, but trust me on this one. I'd rather see Bret Hart made up of pixels than Bret Hart made up of approximately four squares.

Unfortunately for the game's audio, WWF In Your House features commentary, which almost never bodes well for any game ever. Your talking team for this game is Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect, though Perfect only chimes in about once for every ten or fifteen sentences that McMahon shouts out, and typically all he has to say is "That was good, but it wasn't perfect.". As you well know if you've played any game that features commentary, it gets repetitive and annoying, and unfortunately, there's no way to shut it off outside of muting your television. Though it might not be that great if you could shut it off anyway, because the game features no background music, so you'd be kicking The Undertakers deceased derrière in total silence. The game also doesn't feature any of the wrestler's entrance themes, unlike previous titles, which is something I'm saddened to not have. I remember I used to turn on WWF Royal Rumble for the Super Nintendo just to hear Shawn Michael's entrance theme 'cause it sounded so cool.

Despite all my complaints, I've actually had a lot of fun with this title. It controls a lot better than future Acclaim WWF titles, featuring a "pick-up-and-play" control scheme that doesn't have you memorizing button combos just to get past the menu screen. It's also a lot more creative than pretty much any wrestling title there is, with the powerups, unique arenas, and various objects flying out of your body whenever you get punched. This game reminds me of a souped-up SNES wrestling title, which is a good thing. (Unless you're talking about WWF Super WrestleMania, anyway.) It could certainly stand to have a few more modes of play, and maybe even a few more wrestlers (come ON, where are "The Grimm Twins"??!), but any wrestling fan out there should be able to have a good time with this title. Just don't go into it expecting N64's No Mercy.

PlayStation: WWF In Your House - There Goes the Neighborhood!
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 6.5
7.5	2	8	8	7	Overall: 6.5

Platform: Nintendo GameCube
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 2003
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami

If one were familiar with Yu-Gi-Oh, one might assume that any game with the name "Yu-Gi-Oh" anywhere in the title would involve some type of card playing. While in most cases one might be right with that assumption, in this case one is WRONG! Ha! Suck on that one! While this game does take elements of the Yu-Gi-Oh card game, at no point do you actually use any cards. Instead, you lead teams of marshals, who can control up to three monsters (monsters are taken from the Yu-Gi-Oh card game), against enemy marshals. The game is divided into many levels, and in each level the object is to take over the enemy's main fort by defeating all of the enemy marshals that are guarding it. In this regard, the game is similar to Heroes of Might and Magic.

Since this game requires no knowledge of the card game in order to play, and the controls are extremely simple to learn, it would be easy for anyone to enjoy this game. The game is also quite visually pleasing, especially in battle when using certain special attacks. Unfortunately, the main thing that sets this game apart from any other strategy/capture the enemy base game is the fact that it uses monsters and spells from the card game. In other words, if you're not a Yu-Gi-Oh fan, and you're just looking for a great game in this genre, there are probably other games better suited to your needs.

One feature this game has that I absolutely love to have in video games is the NEW GAME PLUS feature. Of course, they don't call it new game plus, since that name is take, but it's the same basic idea. You start a new game and play through it, then, after you beat the game, you can start a new game using the same monsters you found with the same stats and items you had. In addition to just allowing you to play through the game as many times as you want, there are three different campaigns to play. There's Yugi's campaign, Kaiba's campaign, and one SECRET campaign that is unlocked after completing the first two.

Although a bucket-load of replay value is given to this game by the new game plus and the multiple campaigns, it is not exactly perfect. I say this because, although you have a lot to do, most of the levels are extremely similar, and it can get rather boring after a while.

Overall, the game is definitely worth buying if you are fan of its genre and you have some extra money lying around. However, if you aren't a fan of Yu-Gi-Oh, and you have other games in mind you'd like to buy, this probably isn't the game for you.

Nintendo GameCube: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Falsebound Kingdom
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 7.8
7.5	7	8	8.5	8	Overall: 7.8

Platform: Nintendo Game Boy Advance
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: July 2004
Developer: Treasure
Publisher: Sega/Hitmaker

Astro Boy is Japan's oldest and most beloved character, first appearing in "Shonen Weekly" in 1951. Created by Osamu Tesuka, Astro Boy has become a Japanese institution -- even appearing on their currency! So WHY, oh WHY, has a niche developer like Treasure been chosen to create this game? Whatever the logic behind the decision, it has paid off. Astro Boy is outstanding.

This is a platform fighter quite unlike any other I have played. The gamer controls Astro, the eponymous Boy of the title, in laying the smackdown on all kinds of monsters. And what scary monsters they are!

The game begins with a hovercar crash -- Doctor Tenma's son Tobio is killed, leaving the Doctor pining for his dead son -- "I'll do everything I can to bring you back! No... I'll do better than that... I'll make you better than human...". Thus begins the most labyrinthe and emotionally involving plot I have ever encountered in a platform game. You'll gasp at every revelation -- cry for every lost soul -- cheer and punch the air with every vanquished foe! Well... I did.

The game's controls are tight and responsive. D-Pad movies. A button jumps. B button punches. Other buttons and combinations give access to a formidable amoury, including a machine-gun fired for Astro's butt (seriously), and the Finger Beam. Astro also has access to a jetpack. He can use this to zoom around the levels at will -- as long as he has enough Horsepower.

This game WILL surprise you at every turn. Astro faces some of the biggest, most fearsome challenges yet programmed for a handheld! Highlights? The "Artificial Sun". The "Super-sized Roboid". The glorious return of "Seven Force" (almost). Actually, I think I'll go out on a limb and say that this whole game is a highlight.

Astro Boy is divided into bite-sized chunks of zapping, shooting, hitting, flying, and jumping. This is spiced up by Astro's Omega Factor -- his soul. Everybody he meets is imprinted on his Omega Factor, adding a Gotta Catch 'Em All pull to the game. Most people Astro meets give him an extra Horsepower point to add to his arsenal. You can choose where to put these points to customize your game, but eventually Astro will max out.

The difficulty? Rock 'ard. The enemies take and dish out obscene amounts of damage to Astro in comparison to what you can do to them. This doesn't, however, make it unfair -- the game is for those who have SKILLS. Unless, of course, you play on Easy mode... which is just TOO easy. (Unlimited specials? C'moooon!)

The score is an absolute masterpiece -- wonderful in every way. It evokes just the right emotion at the right time. Flawless. The sound, however -- a rather inappropriate "splodge" for the contact sound ruins the feeling a tad, but not in a significant way.

The game is amazing to look at -- brilliant and vivid characters and awesome backgrounds. Check out the lighting on Astro boy when you perform a Finger Beam -- wondrous. The cutscenes are nice as well.

If you're anything like me, you'll keep coming back to this game. It has various unlockables; a secret stage, a sound test, and an event test will keep you happy. But the ultimate present -- the Tesuka Character List -- is the real gem. It is an index of all the Tesuka characters that appear in the game, with several lines of background info for each one. Most impressive.

So... in case you haven't decided, I like this game. A lot. Buy it as soon as humanly possible.

Game Boy Advance: Astro Boy - The Omega Factor
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 9.38
9.5	9.8	9.2	9.4	9	Overall: 9.38

10. X2: Wolverine's Revenge (PS2): I don't get why so many reviewer's pooh-poohed this game. Even with all the glitches, there's still a good time to be found here. Never before has a video game come so close to making you feel like you really are Wolverine, what with all the bad guy slashing and health regenerating. It's too bad that you don't defautly play in Wolvie's original banana-yellow costume, but eh, what are you gonna do. I only wish that Activision would have the foresight to release X2: Cyclops' Adventure or X2: Banshee's Quest.

9. The Scorpion King: Rise of the Akkadian (PS2): Ok, I'll admit it. I only got this game because I knew The Rock had a part in it. (This is also the only reason I saw The Rundown, whose only redeeming quality was that it

featured The Great One.) You don't know happiness until you sit around in your "Finally The Rock has come back to..." t-shirt and your pseudo-The Rock athletic pants (and your Brahma Bull underwear, if you're lucky), acting out your favorite scenes from your favorite movie (or at least what you would assume would be your favorite movie, having never had the opportunity to see it). It's pure bliss, dude.

8. Soldier of Fortune II: Double Helix (MXB): If there's one thing I like more than having wet dreams about The Rock, it's shooting up enemy troops in Soldier of Fortune II. (Ok, there might be a few other things I like more than this, but I had trouble thinking of a good opener for this.) I don't know what it is about military shooters that gets me so excited, but this one really makes me feel something special inside. The last time I had that feeling was when I watched the Olsen Twins special on E!, if you catch my drift.

7. Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex (PS2): It sucks how the only place you can see Crash now is in crappy crossovers with a purple dragon. It used to be that his games got better with each successive sequel... Crash 1 is bettered by Crash 2 is bettered by Crash 3, etc. And this, The Wrath of Cortex, is the apex of that series. I don't understand how Crash went from being the unofficial mascot of PlayStation to being the star of crappy Game Boy games, but at least I can still play this game (maybe still in my The Rock boxers) and remember how things used to be.

6. Icewind Dale: Heart of Winter (PC): Yes, I realize that this is an expansion pack, thank you for questioning my intelligence. The fact of the matter is that Icewind Dale was crap before this came out, and that computer gamers around the world should be sacrificing goats in the name of Interplay for releasing this expansion pack. I'd tell you about all the great things that Heart of Winter adds to the original game, but if you haven't bothered to play it already, you should really find out for yourself. In fact, I suggest playing Icewind Dale first WITHOUT the expansion pack, and then with, so that you can see the huge difference it makes.

5. Batman: Vengeance (MXB): I thought the Batman franchise was screwed forever after playing Batman Forever on Genesis, but this game shows to me that Bruce Wayne still has a few tricks up his sleeve. The thing I liked most about this game is its innovative gameplay, the likes of which you just don't see all that often in action games today. It's a real throwback

to beat-em-ups of the past (except for Batman Forever), and it even features scenes from the new cartoon!

4. Starsiege (PC): Boy, I still remember way back when this game was called "EarthSiege 3". I guess that shows how old I am, doesn't it? Haha! But seriously, I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I've spent playing Starsiege, trying to see how quickly I can complete each mission. There are a few elements missing from the first two EarthSiege games that I wish would have been implemented in this sequel, but all in all, I'm happy with the way this one turned out.

3. Wing Commander: Prophecy (PC): This, of course, is an update of the old Wing Commander game that we all grew up playing. But let me tell you, things are different this time around! I could fill a book with the changes that have been made since the original game was released, so let me just leave it at that. You are doing yourself a major disservice if you let this new classic slip by your radar, my friend.

2. Full Throttle (PC): Easily the best and least known adventure game by Lucas Arts. This game throws in some action sequences to supplement all the adventuring, and the result is one great mismosh of a good time. Forget Monkey Island and Day of the Tentacle -- they're too well-known anyway, so liking them doesn't make you cool anymore. Even though I have yet to beat this game, I have no doubts when I say that it is one of the best there is.

1. Super Star Wars (SNES): Now THIS is a real classic. You'd think that the game sucks because it's for such an ancient system, and you'd be wrong. This is the best game. Where else in the gaming world can you play through missions from the original Star Wars trilogy? On what other game can you pilot the Millennium Falcon, duel with a light saber, and take down an AT-AT? Try as you might you'll never find another game in which you can actually LIVE Star Wars. You wanna be a Jedi? This is the game you play.

For some reason, we don't seem to get very many of those. I don't understand. Is it really that hard to write about your top ten favorite/least favorite games? I bet it isn't as hard as you're making it out to be. I say go for it; give it a go, kid. If you do it, I'll make it worth your while.. you'll be featured in GameCola! That's right, we're in the business of making dreams come true! Now then, let us do it for you, okay?

e-mail: Top10@gamecola.net

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been gone. I'm not gonna give you a buncha excuses about why I've been slacking on the GameCola sector so let's move on with our lives. I've got bigger things to worry about than explaining to you guys why I haven't been in the past few issues. A more prominent obstacle for me is deciding what to write for this month's Awesomer. You see, NIATY is about me and video games, and well, I haven't done much of that in the past three months, so it might prove to be

somewhat difficult.

But don't fret. Recently I have indeed been playing an old favorite on my trusty Nintendo Entertainment System. The game: Double Dragon. It's a classic. I don't even hafta tell you how cool it is, because I'm sure you've already played it. The moves are cool, the music's tight, and the hours -- simply action packed. Getting to the last level is a pleasure, but once there, you've got some serious problems. Oh, and by problems, I mean complete and utter bullshit. This is where an extremely excellent game takes a turn for the worst.

For those who have played, or perhaps those who frequent the Minibosses message board, you probably already know what I'm talking about. That's right, kids. Those fucking blocks that slide out of the wall at the beginning of Mission 4. What the hell is that shit about? There's no pattern. There's not even a trick. They just slide out any old way and bust the shit out of you. There's nothing you can do about it. You can be the best Double Dragon player in the whole world, have all your lives, have full health, and you're still gonna getcher ass busted up.

What kinda thing is that to do to the player? Instead of giving them a challenge

at that crucial part in the game, something they could work through using their superior skills, let's just unfairly take some life down so they're just that much more fucked by the time they hafta fight the red Chins with the knives. That's not good gameplay. That's just assy. I wanna meet the guy who decided to install that part of the level. I wanna ask him if he hates children. I wanna know if he's ever played the game and saw what a fucking travesty those two minutes can be. Heartless bastard...

Unbefuckinglievable. There's nothing I can do but cool off, go downstairs, and just give it another go. I'll do wonderfully 'til then and naturally get killed, get pissed, turn it off, just to take a break and start the cycle again anew. Thus has been the way it has been for the past few days. If you or anyone you know can help me with my predicament, drop me a line. Actually, drop Paul a line and then he can tell me. I still don't think my GameCola mail is working, or perhaps I just haven't activated it. In either case, you'd be really doing me a huge favor. I hope you enjoyed me being in an issue of GameCola for a change, and who knows, maybe I'll write another next month. Until then, this has been Neal, and unless you help me with Double Dragon, I am awesomer than you.

Narrator Two: I'd like to apologize for my colleague's outbursts as of late. Rest assured that we here at the International Association of Narrators (IAN) do not approve of such actions, and will do everything in our power to correct this problem.

Narrator Two: No, but we are limiting your power of narration from here on out. You are now only authorized to handle the narration for Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VII of Trelenodora and his companions. Understood?

Narrator: Narrator grumbles and silently accepts his new UNFAIRLY appointed position.

n00b: Quiet down, everyone! It's time to start the meeting. Over the past few installments of The Gates of Life, it has become apparent that the entire story is centering around the merry adventurings of "Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VII of Trelenodora", and his crew and their conflicts with the dreaded Barin gang. This leaves the rest of us, who are just as important as they are, with negligible roles. I mean, some of us have barely even been introduced!

Jordan: Yeah! I wanna be in the show! I mean, lately I'm just feeling so left out, nobody even cares about me. And I mean I love Liaunde so much so I've been able to pass the time thinking about her, without too much crying, but I still feel like the writer doesn't even care, you know?

Liaunde: I agree! I mean, I am a princess! Someone who should be treasured by everyone who comes in contact with me! It's not that I'm vain, or anything, it's just that I really am an amazingly wonderful and beautiful person, and I want everyone to acknowledge that! I'm sick and tired of this %#^## @#%# bull #$$@ every %#%^# month where I don’t @%@%^ get any @%#$%%# &$%# #@$ time in the #%&$ episode! Its total #^%@#&$%!!!

Jordan: She's right! Baby, I love you so much!! I just thought up a new song for you from my heart:

n00b: Ok... Well that's certainly enough out of you two... You there, in the back, would you like to say something?

Narrator Two: GASP! It's Tryn! The woman who, not too long ago, was crushed in a battle with Jonathan the Minotaur!

n00b: That's right! We will show those main characters that they cannot kill us so easily! After all, I am a vampire, and with that comes several special abilities, one of which is to turn people who have been crushed into an amorphous blob back into normal living humans!

n00b: ANYway. n00b's alliance will soon show the whole WORLD what we're made of!

Tryn: Muahahahahahaha ohohohohohohoho! And by the way, I go by Tryn now because it’s easier to say AND spell! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Narrator Two: My, my, this sure is quite the twist! Will this newly founded n00b's alliance pose a threat to Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VII of Trelenodora and his crew?

Barin: Oh yeah! Now I remember! Those bastards threw Dugo and Najen in that direction, and then knocked me out. We've got to find our friends, Apul!

Narrator Two: And so, Barin and Apul set off in search of Najen and Dugo, who were still lost in the desert.

Narrator Two: Dugo dumped Najen, quite brusquely, onto the hot sand. Najen quickly began hopping around, desperately trying to cool her burning feet.

Dugo: What did you step on? Let me guess, it's a scorching hot metal plate and now you absolutely CANNOT be expected to walk on your own and I have to carry you again, right?

Najen: No... Though it definitely is metal... Let me just pull it out of the sand. Hm... It's some kind of whistle...

Narrator Two: Oh ho ho! But it was not just any whistle Najen found! No sir! Definitely not your average, everyday whistle there!

Large Stone Wall: Oooooooh, noooothiiiiing. Aaaaa feeeeew ooooof yooooouuur creeeewmaaaaates leeeeeft, thoooooouugh…

Strange Creature: Allow me. There are two that have gone, and I believe their names are Lianude and Jordan.

Rivers: They aren't exactly friends but... whatever. It really doesn't matter, they probably would have just annoyed us, anyway.

Strange Creature: Before we go, Large Stone Wall, Generic, and I have a request.

Strange Creature: Well, we aren't much the swashbuckling adventurer type... so we were wondering if you could drop us off on this mysterious island on your way... We heard there were some mysterious ancient ruins on the island, and we would like to check them out.

Render: Well, if that's what you want, we will certainly honor your request. Are you all sure this is what you want to do?

Large Stone Wall: Yeesssss… Thhaaaaaank yoooooouu fooooooor yoooooouur hooosssspiiitaaaaaliiityyy

Narrator: And so this narrator begins the first assignment of his much less strenuous job. Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VII of Trelenodora agrees to let the three off at the mysterious island, and the group raises anchor and sails off. Unbeknownst to them, trouble's a brewin' not too far away.

Champions of Norrath: Realms of Everquest (PS2) vs. Trivial Pursuit: Unhinged (PS2) vs. Serious Sam: Next Encounter

If you're like me, you have absolutely no interest in Soccom or other war-based games, and you've spent the better part of a year wondering Just What the Hell is There to Do with My PlayStation 2 Network Adaptor. When I got the stupid thing all I had to go with it was some Tribes game, and I never got very far into it because it wasn't very fun. Luckily for you, the bored gamer with a PS2 network adaptor, I am here to help you out with your gaming needs. I've got three PS2 games here that you can go online with, and right now it is most certainly time for:

Champions of Norrath: Realms of Everquest (PS2): If you enjoy games like Gauntlet, Dungeons and Dragons: Heroes, and Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, you'd might as well just type "amazon.com" into your browser right now and order this game, because it's the only action-RPG currently online for Sony's current console. I really couldn't tell you what the plot was because it wasn't all that exciting, but you certainly get to spend a lot of awesome hours hacking and slashing through various dungeons, caves, and beaches, solving easy puzzles and defeating very large bosses along the way. If you're a fan of Everquest you might recognize some enemies and locales, but don't go into this expecting the same type of gameplay as that MMORPG. It really basically is Gauntlet: Online, and if that sounds like your cup of tea, then your personal winner has already been decided.

Trivial Pursuit: Unhinged (PS2): I only got this game a few weeks ago, and already the questions are repeating. Heck, I've only played through the game three times, and already the questions are

repeating. I'm starting to wonder if maybe this game would be better suited as a rental, but it's the only online PS2 trivia game available right now, so I guess you gotta take what you can get. Plus it's only $20, so it's not like you're getting majorly ripped off if you buy it. Supposedly, the game features voice-chat via headset, but I've yet to get that to work. (It always works on Champions of Norrath, though!) Playing through the game online with new GC staff member Eric Regan didn't make me feel like I'd lost any hinges, as it's title might suggest, but it certainly had more powerups and bonus spots than the actual board game contains.

Serious Sam: Next Encounter (PS2): If you've played the original Serious Sam on the PC or Microsoft's Xbox, you know the type of gameplay to expect here. It's a first-person shooter. You shoot stuff. Sometimes rampaging demon bulls, sometimes headless screaming zombies, and sometimes your best friend, if you play it online. This title is the only of the three that doesn't claim to support headset chat, but if you have a USB keyboard you won't be left completely without communication. It might have been a little too much with headsets anyway, because each game can hold up to eight users, and I'm not sure having eight people screaming at once about how they were just robbed of a kill would be all that aurally pleasurable. This game probably has more users online than the other two do, but you really shouldn't even bother with any of these if you don't already have a buddy or two to play them with.

Okay, so it boils down to this: If answering obscure questions about Soviet Russia is your thing, get Trivial Pursuit. If you'd rather spend the day shooting flamethrowers at strangers than proving that you're smarter than them, get Serious Sam. If you're into defeating beasts with your Chestplate of Fiery Might, your Drakel Bastard Sword, and your Templar Jockstrap of Pain, get Champions of Norrath. I personally fit into all three of these categories, but only one of these titles has held my interest for several hours over several months. Thus, the winner of the coveted "Winner of Versus Mode" title for this month is:

You're playing Sonic the Hedgehog, having just purchased it for a small wad of

your hard-earned. You begin. You fail to see what all the fuss is about. Just a typical platform game. As you doze off, you continue to run to the right, leaping pedestrian obstacles and avoiding predictable enemies, when suddenly -- you hit The Loop. THE LOOP. Your mind races to keep up with the INSANITY as Sonic does a 360 LOOP, violating all laws of physics and gravity. Your head swims. Your body shakes. Another loop. Is all it takes.

Played Metal Gear Solid and loved every moment? You're not alone. But what sticks in your mind more than any other set-piece in the game? The torture scene? The escape from the cell? No, neither of those. P-P-P-PSYCHO MANTIS A GO-GO, BABY! See him FLY around your head, disparaging your every move. Predicting your attacks and deflecting them. So what can you do? YOU UNPLUG YOUR JOYPAD. AND PLACE IT IN PORT TWO. GENIUS. He can't read your mind that way, see? And then the bastard reads your memory card and takes the piss out of your games collection. But he compliments you on Konami games. He's nice like that. And what is Meryl doing? Only one thing to do with her -- BEAT THE WOMAN. JUST LIKE REAL LIFE.

Entire contents © 2004 by Paul Franzen. All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyrights reserved herein, reproductions of GameCola in any manner, whether in whole or in part, without express written permission, is strictly prohibited. All submissions including, but not limited to, artwork, text, photographs, and videos become property of Paul Franzen. All trademarks and copyrights are property of their respective owners. All products and characters are property of their respective trademark and copyright owners. Copyright in all screenshots is owned by their respective companies.

GameCola readily welcomes product information for all video games. Such materials should be addressed to: GameCola, 3 Deer Trail, Tabernacle, NJ, 08088.

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Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers II. Submissions III. Carbonated News IV. Reviews! A. Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (SMS) B. Sküljagger: Revolt of the Westicans (SNES) C. Ristar (SG) D. WWF In Your House: There Goes the Neighborhood! (PSX) E. Yu-Gi-Oh! The Falsebound Kingdom (GCN) F. Astro Boy: The Omega Factor (GBA) V. Loafy Carl VI. Your Top 10 Favorite Video Games VII. Neal is Awesomer Than You VIII. The Gates of Life IX. Captain Eric's Super Thumb Feature Presentation X. Versus Mode XI. Great Moments in Gaming

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