GameCola Volume 3 Issue 8: August 2004

Volume 3, Issue 8 - August 2004
Quenching Your Thirst For Video Entertainment ©
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Starring:

Also Featuring: D-Rod, Richard Franzen, Matthew M. Matthews, josephine jessings, The Lizo, Alex, Eric Regan, "Missing my Hedgehog", and "A Loser at Life"

I don't have anything to discuss this month that would take a paragraph or two to write out, so instead I'll be employing a writing style I've seen used on other sites, one commonly referred to as "disjointed thoughts". It's either that or another pictorial, and unfortunately, I am currently lacking in Luigi eggs.

I don't understand why people go onto a specific game's message board and ask if the title is any good or not; are people who post on the Legend of Dragoon forums really going to be unbiased towards the game?... The Ninja Turtles title for Game Boy Advance that came out last year is thankfully a lot like the older Turtles titles... Why hasn't Secret of Mana been ported to GBA yet? Same with Lufia 2, ToeJam and Earl, and Chrono Trigger... Joe and Mac for Sega Genesis is like Joe and Mac for Super Nintendo, except with 1/2 the levels and 1/2 the fun... Extreme Warfare Revenge is sucking out my soul; it's hard to believe that a text-based pro-wrestling sim could be so addictive... Revolution X is quite possibly one of the worst video games ever to feature Aerosmith... Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles would be a really awesome multiplayer game if it weren't for that bucket thing... I hate Bubsy the Bobcat... GameStop should sell less action figures and movies, and sell more video games; I don't like having to resort to flea markets and yard sales for my SNES titles... After playing the game for a few hours, I declare Shenmue to be a wee bit overrated... Hey guys, guess what! After starting the game on four different occasions, I've finally beaten Chrono Cross!... I should get an Intellivision up and running some day so I can play the 30 some games I own for it... Did anyone besides Matt ever own a Game Boy Camera?... I think I'd like the Minibosses a lot more if I recognized the tunes they play. Though, they still wouldn't be as good as g50... I have a poster for Rampage 2: Universal Tour hanging up in my room, and I don't know why... Ribbit King - Best Sports Game of 2004. Too bad we don't have a category for that in the IVE Awards... GameCola could use more writers, but that goes without saying... We could also use more people posting on the forums... And on the journals... STOP NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR GC YOU SLACKERS... I bet Mario could beat Sonic the Hedgehog in a fight...

P.S. Be sure to check out Julie Kozarsky's brand new advice column, "Cheat Codes for Life", which is debuts this month right after "You Learn Something New Every Play". And while you're at it, also check out Stuart Gipp's new column, "Great Moments in Gaming". He discusses the boot from Mario 3!

P.P.S. Many thanks again to Eric Regan, this time for our new "Reviews!" and "... of the Month" logos, as well as logos for "Cheat Codes for Life" and "Great Moments in Gaming".

What happened to Jenna's column? As only the most casual of video game players, that, more than anything else, was drawing my interest to GameCola each month. I have no plans of canceling my subscription, but I'm wondering if you're working on getting Jenna's column or something similar back into the magazine.

- Unfortunately, Jenna Ogilvie, our resident advice columnist and Chief Justice, left the GameCola staff a few months back to pursue her lifelong dream of owning a llama farm. Thankfully for you though, D-Rod, this very month we are starting a brand new advice column, entitled "Cheat Codes for Life", and written by GC's casual gamer Julie Kozarsky. Check it out!

I am going to stop reading of Monkey Boy Geoff and Brian Wolf don't start writing again.

- Much like Jenna Ogilvie, Brian Wolf left the GameCola staff a few months back; though his reason was so that he could be a swashbuckler on the seven seas, pillaging and plundering to his heart's desire. His "The Gates of Life" column was taken over by Matt Gardner shortly after Brian quit. Geoff Osman has never actually been a member of the GC staff, but he should be popping in again with a guest review any issue now.

I’ve been reading your website for a long time though I’ve never e-mailed you before. I’m only doing so now because I take issue with a few things in your latest update:

This is getting ridiculous. Please fix this. (oh man, I was starting to write like Vanek there for a second, better catch myself).

P.S. No, my name is definitely not fake in any way, and is certainly not meant to be some sort of crude parody of the fact that 76% of all people on GameCola's staff are named Matt.

- Normally when I receive a letter concerning other members of the GC staff, I let those particular members respond to the letter. Obviously, I cannot do that with Matthew's letter, because he discusses multiple persons. As such, I'm just going to publish this letter without addressing the issues he brings up, because they aren't issues that have to do with me. I hope you understand.

i got this games tomba one, for the playstation one , can you send me the page tell you now to play , i got it at game stop they dont have the book os i konw how to play this games

- GameFAQs should be able to solve all your Tomba!-related issues. While they might not have a typed-out version of the instruction manual on hand, you should at least be able to find some sort of guide for the game on there.

I see that look in your eyes. I can hear your heartbeat growing rapidly faster. I can smell your desire. You wanna send something in to GameCola! Have thoughts on the current or a past issue? Have a drawing or photograph you'd like to share with us? How about some poetry? Or anything? Anything at all? We're not very choosey. So go for it, send your stuff in.. what do you have to lose?

e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net

For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.

Our crack review squad^* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:

Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.

Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.

The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.

^{*Paul Franzen
was the only member of the crack review squad involved in
creating the GameCola ratings system.}

Platform: Sega Game Gear
Genre: Side-Scrolling
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: c. 1994
Developer: Virgin Interactive
Publisher: Disney Interactive

I'm really glad that this game isn't just a straight port of the better-known Aladdin title for Super Nintendo. If it were, this review wouldn't be

happening -- I've yet to be able to defeat this title's big brother. Aladdin for the Game Gear is a whole heck of a lot easier than not only other games bearing the same name, but most other side-scrollers, and this is due to a feature that I am absolutely in love with -- infinite continues. Never being able to die could make almost any game a winner in my book (except, no doubt, for Muppet Adventure), and this coupled with a licensed title that doesn't stray too far from the original storyline, and gameplay that is nearly playable, makes for a game that lifts itself ever-so-slightly above mediocrity.

Throughout the game, you play through various levels that depict events from the movie Aladdin. In each of these levels you control Aladdin, whether it be running away from guards, throwing apples at guards, or soaring, tumbling, and freewheeling through an endless diamond sky. (Yes, there is indeed a level based on the "A Whole New World" scene from Aladdin, awesome song and all. Just try and stop yourself from singing along; it won't happen.) The levels break down into three different categories: running levels, flying levels, and putzing-around levels. Running and flying are basically the same, with the screen constantly moving and you having to not run into things; putzing, on the other hand, plays like any other side-scroller, with you attacking enemies and making your way to the end of the level without dying. Not that dying actually matters, or anything, because you have INFINITE CONTINUES!!!

The infinite continues would be much less of a factor if Aladdin's controls were

programmed better. Sadly, they don't always do what you tell them to do; the game likes especially to hurl Aladdin off of a cliff instead of making him jump straight into the air. There's also this weird bug with the start button; I have yet to figure out the trick to pausing the game. Sometimes you have to hold the start button for a few seconds in order for the game to pause, sometimes you hafta press it really quickly, sometimes you have to tap it repeatedly -- but your best bet is to just never take your finger off the start button if you want the game paused, unless you want Generic Guard #12 to run up and get you while you're busy chatting your life away on AIM. When the controls do what you tell them to do, they work pretty well; too bad this doesn't happen a lot of the time.

Familiar tunes boosts this game's rating for audio, though the sound effects are completely unnoticeable. The visuals look fine on the Game Gear's oddly washed-out screen, being neither offensive nor orgasm-inducing, as many visuals in the gaming world tend to be. It seems like every game I review has just decent graphics and decent sound. I'm so sick of this. Maybe I should purchase some games with really shitty graphics so I'll at least have something to talk about besides "they were okay. Not bad, and yet, not good".

In the event that you not only own a Game Gear, but are a fan of Aladdin, I see no reason why you shouldn't get this game. Well, actually I do see one reason (the funked up controls), but I can see past that, and I hope that you can, too. This game is the very first Game Gear game that I've ever played (Aladdin took away my virginity), and, thankfully, it didn't ruin Game Gear for me, like The Lion King would have had I played that one first. I can't tell you if this is the best Aladdin game ever created (and I somehow think that it isn't), but if you can find it cheaply, I can promise you that you won't have completely wasted your money. That is, if you found the game AND purchased it. If you didn't, and spent your money on something else, I'd have no way of knowing whether your money was completely wasted or not.

Sega Game Gear: Aladdin
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 5.4
6.5	5.5	3	5	7	Overall: 5.4

Platform: Sega Mega-CD
Genre: Side-Scrolling
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: N/A
Developer: Activision
Publisher: Activision

Ah, the Atari 2600 classic Pitfall. Huge in its day, nothing more than a curio now. Will this update follow the same pattern in the future?

You play as Pitfall Harry Jr., son of the hero of the original Pitfall. On a routine expedition to a Mayan ruin, Pitfall Harry Sr. is kidnapped by the "Master of Evil" (it says here), Zakelua. Guess what? It's up to Harry Jr. to rescue his dad.

This game controls very well. Harry has plenty of skills at his disposal, and they are all put to practical use in the game's massive levels. His momentum is quite slippery, however, and this may take gamers some time to get used to.

The level design is fun, with every level completely rammed with secrets! The traps are clever, and certain levels guarantee to raise a smile with their cunning tricks and traps. The ruins and temple levels are especially memorable. The bosses are sadly quite weak -- each one is just a case of avoiding their predictable attacks and throwing all your weapons at it. Ah, the weapons. Harry is tooled up with a whip, bag of rocks, boomerangs, and bomblets. Brilliantly, the boomerang can actually be reused if caught on the rebound. If you miss it, however, it's gone for good.

Other standout sections include the mine cart level towards the end of the game -- this is a fast paced ride, where Harry has to hop up and down to avo

id Mayan Spirits and overturned Mine Cars. This is tricky, perhaps too much so! But it makes a nice break from the platform action.

This game has a nicely balanced learning curve. The game evolves as you do, meaning no level ever feels overwhelming. Unfortunately, certain sections are out of place -- the giant boulder on level four, for example... what were they thinking? Also, the giant moth enemies seem to be impossible to hit without taking damage.

The music is nice, with some great jungle drums and metallic clanks for the mine level. Harry's sampled speech is passable, which is a nice surprise. The blips and blorps the collectables make are sampled straight from the original Pitfall (included here as a hidden bonus).

The game has a very stylised look, which suits its tongue-in-cheek style. However, no elements are truly outstanding. The fire in the temples looks quite nice... but everything else is a little run-of-the-mill. And maybe just a little too dark.

The game injects replay value through the hidden original game and a side-quest involving the letters of the word "PITFALL". Finding every letter assumedly gives you an extra ending (I've never found them all...). There is also a Simon Says minigame to find and play. The huge wealth of hidden items will also keep you searching.

This is a great game, a real joy to get through. Definitely worth a rent, if not a purchase.

Sega Mega-CD: Pitfall - The Mayan Adventure
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 8.28
8.3	8.2	8.3	7.9	8.7	Overall: 8.28

Platform: Nintendo 64
Genre: Racing
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 1998
Developer: Atari Games
Publisher: Midway

Rush 2, the sequel to San Francisco Rush, has left the city. The new cities to race in include Los Angeles, New York, Hawaii, Las Vegas, and more. You can even do some laps around Alcatraz.

Rush 2 is a very exciting game. The average speed of the cars is around 150 MPH. There are plenty of cars and courses to keep you busy for many hours. A circuit consists of 27 races, so plenty of time can be spent on this game. There are a lot of keys to collect, which unlock secrets, like the Midway office. That is a great course.

The music is surprisingly good. Techno and drum 'n' bass is the style of the soundtrack. The tracks don't get on your nerves at all. It fits well while racing around cities at full speed. If you play for a long time, you might want to listen to your own CDs while you play.

The controls are basically the same as any other racing game. It's nothing spectacular, but at least it's average. The main problem is that there is no hand brake, but other than that, it is all good.

The graphics are the worst part of the game. They are the only part of the game that could be improved. The objects are dull and seem to blend with each other. Because of this, the track can be distorted. It looks as if fog is over the city.

This is one of the games I have played the most of in my life. There are over 10 cars that are fully customizable. Color, stripes, wheels, horns, and much more. It isn't like street racing either, where rich kids have their parents buy them nice cars and useless accessories. It's just flat out fun. The stunt course will rack up the most hours. It is a big arena with tons of ramps, bumps, and inclined plains. The goal is to get as many points as you can by doing flips, rolls, and 2-wheelers. Even if you don't like racing games, you need to play this. It's kind of like Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, but with a car. Imagine a toaster van doing 40 backflips through the air.

There is so much to do in Rush 2, you'll need a lot of time to play it. I feel it is one of the best racing games out there. I strongly recommend it.

Nintendo 64: Rush 2 - Extreme Racing USA
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 7
9	6	6	5	9	Overall: 7

Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre: Platform
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: November 1998
Developer: Oddworld Inhabitants
Publisher: GT Interactive

Abe's Exoddus is the superior sequel to the game Abe's Oddysee. The Oddworld quintology was originally to be a series of five games, each one starring a different character. However, after Abe's Oddysee's success, gamers wanted more Abe, and Oddworld Inhabitants

responded with this -- essentially a spruced-up Oddysee. They called it a Bonus Game, and claimed each game in the quintology would have one or more Bonus Games. This too went to hell.

Abe's Exoddus is a strategic platform game in the vein of Prince of Persia. You control Abe (amongst others -- but I'll get to that later) in his quest to save his Mudokon friends from torture at the hands of the Glukkons, who are harvesting their bones to make Soulstorm Brew. The plot is updated as the game goes on through humorous cutscenes (the standouts being the newsflashes) and "Story Stones".

The main innovations in-game are possession and Gamespeak. The Gamespeak merely amounts to a series of key combinations that make your character order people around ("Hello", "Follow me", etc.). The possession, however, is what lends the game its edge. Run into an armed guard. No problem -- hold the shoulder buttons down and possess him! Walk him around, blowing up all his friends, then destroy him. It's very satisfying.

The controls are good; the Gamespeak is especially easy to grasp. The game is responsive and plays smoothly. All the characters have their quirks, so you are required to master several different methods of travel. For example -- Glukkons cannot defend themselves, and must order Slig guards to do their dirty work for them.

The game is of a flip-screen structure, so each room is a small puzzle of its own. It is VERY rewarding to figure out a tricky problem, most of which require a bit of lateral thinking. The Mudokons you must rescue are an emotional bunch, frequently getting sad, angry, or wired! You must deal with their emotions before you can command them -- but if you are not nice to the depressed workers, they may commit suicide!

The game's difficulty ranges from insultingly basic to teeth-grindingly hard. Certain segments (the Glukkon section that finishes the Bonewerks level especially) are amazingly frustrating -- multiple replays and learning of the course are required. Thankfully, Oddworld Inhabitants have included an excellent quicksave system.

The voice samples are crisp, clear, and well-acted. The dialogue is funny and memorable. The music is mostly ambient and highly pleasant, but when danger strikes, or a certain character is possessed, the music changes to suit the occasion.

This game won a BAFTA for its cutscenes, and it's easy to see why. Beautiful animation! The in-game graphics are also impressive. The areas are all pre-rendered images and as such look extremely impressive. The character sprites have personality and charm, and the explosions and other special effects are impressively meaty.

There are 300 Mudokons to find and rescue, and some of them are extremely well hidden. The levels are enjoyable to replay, especially finding new and rewarding paths through them that lead to secret areas. Also, Abe's farting never, EVER gets old.

This is a rare piece of PSOne magic, and you should check it out as soon as possible. Rent, then buy.

Sony PlayStation: Oddworld - Abe's Exodus
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 8.62
8.7	7.9	9	8.9	8.6	Overall: 8.62

Platform: Sony PlayStation 2
Genre: Racing
# of Players: 1 - 2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 2000
Developer: Kemco
Publisher: Kemco

When I decided to review Dare Devil, I thought that I should play it again to get a feel of the game again, and the simple thought of that gave me three weeks of reoccurring nightmares. The game sums up like this: utter shit. If you want to find out why, then read on.

The game box cover art is pretty nice, and the intro movie is cool, but don't let that fool you. The game involves you driving around Rome, London, Tokyo, and San Francisco collecting coins before the timer runs out. You don't ever have enough time, but this isn't a problem since you can collect more time and speedups to make sure that you get to the end. Each of the cities have three levels, but the only differences between levels in the same city are the layout of the coins and powerups. This lazy attempt to make the game longer only makes it more repetitive and boring.

The controls of the game are a real let down, and they are mixed in with the worst racing physics I have ever seen. Unlike most games, the hand-break in Dare Devil takes a couple of seconds to activate, meaning that you have to either press it early or crash. Because of the controls it gets fiendishly hard to get good at handling the car, which really sucks the fun out of the game.

The multiplayer games are a bit more fun since both players have the disadvantage of the bad controls. The lack of obstacles and interesting tracks make the racing boring, and the coin collecting game gets repetitive quite fast, but the bomb tag game is actually pretty fun. It involves driving around an arena and crashing into other players to pass the bomb; whoever is holding the bomb when the time expires is the loser. The mixture of bombs, crashing, and explosions make this good, and if the whole game was designed around this minigame it might be a bit better.

The sound and graphics aren't bad; they are not excellent, but they are a lot better than the rest of the game.

Overall, Dare Devil is not that good, and I wouldn't recommend it, unless you're got a prisoner who you want to mentally scar for the rest of his life.

Sony PlayStation 2: Top Gear Dare Devil
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 3
2	4.5	0.5	6	2	Overall: 3

Platform: Nintendo Game Boy Advance
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 2003
Developer: Marvelous Interactive
Publisher: Natsume

This is the game that answers that one burning question on everyone's mind. The question, of course, being: Is there a way I could play a game that's a lot like the Harvest Moon for Super NES, but instead of me doing my farm work for myself, I could have a bunch of fairy sprite things do all of my work for me? The answer that this game gives to this question is an absolute "yes".

While I'm sure this game has a lot in common with most/all of the other Harvest

Moon games for all of the other systems, I have not played them so I can't say for sure. In fact, I have only played through a few games with the Super NES version, and have played a bit of the N64 one. With that in mind, a lot of the improvements I will mention about this GBA version will be improvements form the Super NES version. To put it in clearer terms: Any "new" features of this version of the game may have existed in previous versions of Harvest Moon, so don't get your panties in a twist if I call something new when it has existed for several installments of this series.

In the unlikely event that anyone is reading this and remembers the first paragraph, there might be a little confusion about just what I am talking about when I mention fairy elf sprite pixie slave things. Well, one of my favorite new features is the harvest sprites. They live in a small house outside of Mineral Town, and if you bring them presents and talk to them and such, they will become your friend and you'll be able to ask them to help you on your farm. It is relatively easy to befriend them, and once you do, managing a farm will be a piece of cake. They can water your plants, harvest your crops, or take care of your animals. As there are seven of these little guys, there are more than enough to take care of any and all work you might have. Of course, letting them take care of your animals won't really help you bond with them, and without a strong bond, with your animals you won't be winning any contests you enter them in. In addition to having the sprites work for you, you can also play minigames with them. Appropriately, the minigames are farming based.

To break the monotony of a farm boy's life, there are quite a few festivals that you can attend. Horse racing, star gazing, and cooking are among the festival activities. Of course, festivals are not the only thing besides farming to occupy your time with. A major part of the game is finding yourself a wife among the many (6) available girls in town. Another new-to-me feature is the addition of romantic rivals. Instead of having an unlimited amount of time to find whatever wife you want to, you'll have to compete with several guys (one for each girl) for your girl's love, and if you don't marry her by some point in year four, you are out of luck. This may sound difficult, but it is really quite the opposite since you can easily get a girl to like you enough to want to marry you before the first year of the game is over. Topping off the list of things to do besides farming are the character events concerning all of the people in the town, where you learn more about them and their lives.

Another big difference between this game and the Super NES version is that this game does not have a real "end". Your father won't come in 2.5 years and say "Congratulations, Game Over", like he does in the Super NES version, so you can play for as many years as you want.

Since this game allows you to play it pretty much any way you want to, and since there are several different wives you could have, the replay value for this game is pumped up like John Cena's shoes. This game is not just for wannabe farmers, and it's a good break from the traditional monster destroying RPGs, so you might as well check it out.

Game Boy Advance: Harvest Moon - Friends of Mineral Town
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 7.54
8	7	7	7.3	8.4	Overall: 7.54

I recently stumbled onto your site, and loved it, and in addition to subscribing, I'm giving you my version of the top 10 games of all times that you pleaded for so much :). Hope you like.

10. Illusion of Gaia (SNES): Easily best action/RPG of all time. Great plotline combined with incredible puzzles and an awesome soundtrack made this game not only one of the SNES' best games, but one of Enix's and one of the best to grace a Nintendo system ever.

9. Fighter's History (SNES): The game that caused the classic lawsuit between Data East and Capcom. Though it's true that the game shares an incredible amount of similarities with the original Street Fighter II, it improved on it a great deal, with more personality, better graphics, better controls, and overall was just more fun to play... this is still one of my favourites to pick up and sit down for a good few rounds when friends come over.

8. Akumajou Drakula: Rondo no Chi (Turboduo Import): Without a doubt, the best Castlevania game ever released, past or present. Featured the same challenge as the earlier games did, with massively revamped graphics and redbook audio, years before the series went to the RPG/action style gameplay. If you want to see old-skool XV at it's best, find a copy of this.

7. Street Fighter Alpha 2 (PSX): Though not the prettiest fighter, visually or aurally, ever released, the game certainly plays better than any other, whether it be 2D or 3D. With the combo system tweaked to perfection, along with the game's speed and controls, it's a classic in every sense of the word (that is, if you ignore load times in the definition of classic...).

6. AirZonk (TG16): It really was amazing what NEC was able to pull out of an 8-bit system. Better looking and sounding than most Genesis games, this game was a technological milestone, and it plays like a true gem. Underneath the at times overbearingly cute graphics is a massively addictive and challenging (on the high difficulty settings) shooter that deserved far more credit than it got.

5. Metal Gear Solid (PSX): What really needs to be said about this game? Kojima's crowning achievement, he truly showed us what the 32-bit gaming experience should be. A truly immersive world that doesn't even feel like a game

most of the time. A truly incredible work of art.

4. Darius Twin (SNES): Though one of the SNES' earliest shooters, it stands head and shoulders above its peers, on both its own system and others. Why? Not for its graphic or sound quality, for both, while decent at the time, have not fared very well at all with time -- but for it's ability to draw you in for hours, making you memorize specific patterns of enemy formations and bullet arrays, the ability to cut your own path through the solar system, thus giving you new levels every time you play, not to mention the satisfaction of winning the game after finishing it with one life on Hard mode.

3. Ninja Gaiden (NES): Long before using complex physics to get rendered breasts to jiggle properly, Tecmo got their first widespread industry recognition with this classic way back in 1989. It revolutionized the way action games told their stories with its dramatic cinemas laid out between each action packed level, each one revealing just enough of the plot to make you keep playing until you got to the next one to find out more. Without Ninja Gaiden, who knows! We could still be looking at endings like those in the original Super Mario Bros :).

2. The Legend of Dragoon: One of Sony's true greats, which IMO got a lot of unjustly bad reviews. This one ties an incredibly solid battle system with gorgeous graphics and an absolutely amazing storyline... to which it should be owing its thanks to...

1. Final Fantasy 2 (SNES): The best RPG, and best game to have ever been made. Probably the first RPG to have a true central cast of characters with developed personalities and storylines that revolve around them that actually make you care about what happens to them. Combine that with an absolutely FANTASTIC score that Uematsu Nobuo managed to come up with for this chapter in the series (which was actually fourth in the series *Japanese*, not the second) that always manages emotionally to fit every scene perfectly, and you have a classic that arguably manages to sit atop not only the series, but takes the RPG crown.

For some reason, we don't seem to get very many of those. I don't understand. Is it really that hard to write about your top ten favorite/least favorite games? I bet it isn't as hard as you're making it out to be. I say go for it; give it a go, kid. If you do it, I'll make it worth your while.. you'll be featured in GameCola! That's right, we're in the business of making dreams come true! Now then, let us do it for you, okay?

e-mail: Top10@gamecola.net

Render: Hmm... Three things. One: You are supposed to be fighting Rivers, not me. Two: You lost already, what makes you think you can win now? Three: You reeeeeeeeeeally need to work on your speaking skills, you're barely understandable.

Narrator: With that, Rivers' disgust meter reached its peak. He violently grabbed Apul's face and immediately unleashed his fusion power directly on it.

Render: Do you really have to keep talking like some boring, cliché hero from a poorly written fantasy novel? It's getting quite irksome.

Render: Well, it seems we just need to wrap up these two loose ends here and we can finally be on our way to the ship.

Narrator: Thankfully, before Barin could finish his sentence, Render, Rivers, Enrique, and Jonathan simultaneously punched him in the head. He crumpled to the ground, and the four turned toward Apul.

Narrator: Of course, what Apul said was "Yuh meen I can't drink none moor beer?". The realization that he would no longer be able to drink his everytihngs away hit him like a ton of feathers, and he simply passed out.

Najen: Owwww! Of all the places we could have landed, did it have to be a desert? A hot desert?? A hot desert in the middle of the day???

Najen: Oh yea, I was somehow supposed to predict that kicking him in the face would cause him to set my boots on fire and then paralyze us and have a friggin' minotaur toss us into the middle of the desert a million miles away. My bad.

Narrator: *huff puff* Man... I deserve way more pay for having to run y self all the way across the damned ocean just to watch these two yahoos hop around. Anyway, despite the whatever blah blah blah and then she jumped on his back the end.

Narrator: So the group continued their endless trek towards their elusive ship. Will they ever get there? Let the GATES OF LIFE decide! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!

There are many things I want to be that I cannot. I'll never be Lara Croft and have badass self-defense techniques; I'll never be tall without the aid of monstrous platform shoes; I'll never even be fully capable of understanding simple concepts such as "date rape" (he said no, but he seriously meant yes and the lawyer definitely doesn't have a real case). However, I can be a dragon, with the help of Spyro the Dragon for the original PlayStation.

For this month's article, I took another trip outside of my bedroom and down into the basement to the mysterious realm of our basement rec room. Howls, jeers, and cheers arise from this room deep into the night as my brother and his friends duke it out via the PlayStation. As this goes on, I'm usually staring at the computer screen waiting for someone, anyone, to IM me or maybe call me, even if it's just the police department letting me know I've been linked to the rotten eggs in my ex's mailbox. But I digress. Without the presence of cologne-drenched fifteen-year-old boys, I felt capable of giving the game a good try and fully experiencing what it's like to be a dragon.

The game is fun, colorful, and cheerful. It appealed to my girliness like no other game has before. The purpose seems to be freeing dragons from different areas of the worlds you can go into, and I thought I'd be quite good at this as my brother is always screaming at me for "unleashing a badass dragon" in the upstairs bathroom. However, I am NOT good at this game. Though you can collect gemstones (pretty!) and blow fire at sheep (animal abuse!), that seemed to be about the only point to the whole thing. When you free dragons, by walking up tot he stone that they're frozen into, they give you tips and encouragement for gameplay. They speak with weird accents, though, and I couldn't understand anything they said beyond "Spyro". I enjoyed torching the bad animals, because after they disappeared gems would come out of nowhere. Also, I liked flying, though Spyro is difficult to control as he flies, and he tends to fall easily.

In conclusion, I enjoyed my foray into the dragon world. In real life, I should be able to blow fire that easily. This game is fun and probably capable of holding attention for a long time. I recommend that you try i tout! Until next month, this has been Julie Kozarsky and Games for the Casual Gamer.

After writing this month's "Dear Readers" column, I tried once again to get my Intellivision up and running, and, much to my shock, I actually succeeded; so I thought it'd be fun to pick five of my games for it at random and write about them here. Hopefully someday I'll actually review some games for the ancient system, too, but for now, let's just see what wins when we have:

Triple Action (IV) vs. Sub Hunt (IV) vs. Star Strike (IV) vs. Shark! Shark! (IV) vs. Bowling (IV)

Triple Action (IV): As you may have guessed by reading its title, Triple Action is a cart comprised of three different games: Battle Tanks, in which you control a tank and try to blow up that of the second player, Car Racing, in which you try to drive 100 "miles" in the fastest time, and "Biplanes", in which you continually crash into the ground, various clouds, and an odd structure in the middle of the screen, because you can't figure out how the controls work. Intellivision has several "destroy the other tank before it destroys you" titles at its disposal, so Battle Tanks here is nothing special, and the other two games, Biplanes especially, just aren't very fun. Plus, only Car Racing can be played by just one player, so unless you

know someone else who wants to boot up this Mattel Electronics system, you're gonna have to try to use both controllers at once. And believe you me, it's hard enough to try to use just one of those wacky-in-a-bad-way contraptions.

Sub Hunt (IV): The point of Sub Hunt, like so many other Intellivision games, is to blow things up before you yourself are blown up. You try to navigate the waters in search of things to blow up, and you fail almost immediately, because you don't have the overlay for the controller, and thus you have no idea if it's button 1 to shoot, or button 5, or button 9, or one of the side buttons, or if you have to press in the circular pad at the bottom of the controller, or if you somehow just have to fire a torpedo using your mind. It's really not worth it to even bother -- the instructions to this game are longer than the nutritional information for your favorite brand of cereal, and that's just way to much for a game that's 23 years old.

Star Strike (IV): Probably the most generic sounding of the games I'm discussing this month, Star Strike actually isn't, as the title lead me to believe, just another Space Invaders clone. It's close, though. I didn't read the instructions before playing the game, so I just kept shooting at various enemy ships and wondering why nothing was happening. But according to Star Strike's instruction booklet, you must "destroy the alien station BEFORE Earth passes directly over the launch trench", because if Earth passes directly over the launch trench, it goes the way of Princess Leia's home planet. This is why it's a pain to play Intellivision games now -- chances are you don't have the instruction booklet, so you'll have no idea what the heck you're supposed to be doing in the game, or what those greenish blobs are, or why you are suddenly given the message of "Game Over" before you've even gotten a chance to press the circular pad, and the game doesn't have enough memory to tell you itself what its objective is, so you just have to randomly press buttons until you see something happen on the screen that isn't you dying. I'm pretty sure I never saw any "alien station", anyway, so I'm thinking this game's only purpose is to make you feel like you just

caused the end of the world.

Shark! Shark! (IV): This Intellivision game has a premise almost as cool as its name: You start out as a tiny fish, and you have to eat other tiny fish so you can grow bigger and finally devour those dastardly jellyfish. You never actually get to eat any sharks, but you do get to nibble on their tails, apparently. I never would have thought of that without reading the instructions, either. This game's great because there aren't a ton of overly-complex controls to ruin your gaming experience -- all you have to do is press the circular pad to move out of the way of bigger fish, and into the way of smaller ones. The game goes on forever, or until you are eaten by bigger fish a whole bunch of times. You can play this game with a buddy, too, eating both each other and various tiny fishies. You have always wanted to eat your best friend, right?

Bowling (IV): I'm starting to think that people who made Intellivision games just liked to program the controllers thousands of buttons do to something, whether or not that something actually added to the gameplay. This would explain the bizarre controls in Bowling, which has you pressing the circular disc to pick up the ball, and then the side buttons to move, then finally another side button to toss your bowling ball then the disc again to add "curve" to your ball (whatever that means). For Luigi's sake, can't you just aim the ball and then throw it? It works for Yahoo! games, I'm sure it can work for Intellivision, too. Making a game complicated is only good if it makes the game fun, too, not if it just makes the game annoying to play. I'm surprised they didn't use button 1 to make your character breathe, or button 3 to make him blink, or button 7 to make him tie his shoes. Spiderman bowling on the PS2 movie game is less complicated than this, and it has you swinging around from the rafters in an attempt to knock all the pins down.

After playing these (and many, many other) Intellivision games, it became obvious to me why this system didn't last too long: it's controller, bespeckled with way too many buttons, caused developers to make their games way too complicated to be considered fun. Much like the create-a-wrestler modes in recent WWE games, which have you designing your brawler down to the strands of hair on his left eyebrow, most Intellivision games have just way too much going on. I know that sounds weird concerning games that came out in the late seventies and early eighties, but try them for yourself and you'll see that I'm right. With that in mind, the winner in this edition of "Versus Mode" is the game that is the least complex, and perhaps thus the most fun, and that game is:

The game? Super Mario Bros. 3. The level? World 5, Level 3. At first glance, another typical Plains level. But then comes the shoe. A Goomba. In a SHOE. This alone is enough to send you into spasms of ecstasy. Laughing, you dispatch the Goomba by nudging the block underneath it. The Goomba flies out, defeated, but the shoe remains. You don't suppose...? Tentatively, you hop into the shoe. And, good God yes! Mario can ride around in it. You jump on the Spinys and Goombas, laughing. You then

experiment to see if it will work on a Piranha Plant. and it DOES. This is the BEST THING EVER. Too soon the end comes. You pine for the shoe. Then you start a new game. YOU MUST RIDE THE SHOE AGAIN!

You're playing the mine level of the Genesis shooter Gunstar Heroes. Thus far it's been something of a repetitive excursion, albeit an interesting one -- you've inadvertently discovered that tapping the jump button twice makes your Gunstar switch from riding on the floor to the ceiling and vice-versa. Then you pass the train and the familiar "WARNING!" sign appears. Text on screen reads: "Boss is approaching -- Seven Force". So far, so typical. "Well", you think, "here come the attacks". Then suddenly, reams of text begin to appear before you. "Soldier Force, Tails Force, Tiger Force, Eagle Force, Blaster Force, Urchin Force, Crab Force". You are confused. Suddenly, Gunstar Green flies on from the right on a green platform, juggling the Gem you came here for. "Let's do it." He flies to the right and transforms into a giant running robot, who absolutely DECIMATES you. But you're angry now. You quickly continue and reach him again. Now that you know the robot's pattern, you can defeat it easily. You do so. His health gauge hits 0000. He transforms into a giant gun. Your brain attempts to register what just happened. With sickening realisation, you deduce that this is Blaster Force, and the last boss was Soldier Force. But all the other forces couldn't POSSIBLY be coming up next... could they? They could. They do. This is the apex of Gunstar Heroes. This is the apex of Treasure's design. This is the apex of Genesis gaming. This is the apex of end-of-level bosses. This is Seven Force.

While playing games, we can learn things, like budgeting. Today, a kid sits in his basement playing SimCity, where he runs a city that he built up from the ground. 30 years later, maybe he will be interested in running for Mayor or Governor. Who knows what kids will do when they grow up? I wouldn't be surprised if they things they do as a kid will influence them later in life.

SimCity taught me many things about cities. I learned what residential, commercial, and industrial mean. I've made sure my budget was balanced for my city. I've made roads, power lines, and parks. I've placed police departments where crime was high. I've even set the taxes and funding for each year. The best part about SimCity is that a kid gets to use his imagination to create a village of his/her own. If they do well, it will become a town, city, capital, etc. It requires responsibility, kind of like those virtual pets. You will learn something new every time you play SimCity.

Julie Kozarsky, with her infinite knowledge of the universe, uses her wisdom and experience to reduce your gravest problems into silly inconveniences. So easy, so simple -- it's a cheat code for your life.

I want to have video games in my room, but my mom won't let me.

She keeps giving me this old excuse about how it'll keep me up at night and distract me from my school work. I point out to her that the TV I already have in my room would do the same thing, but she doesn't listen. I just want to be able to play Sonic before I go to bed. How can I convince my mom to let me have games in my room?

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and desperate measures call for great men. Fortunately for you, this isn't one of those times. Video games are awesome, yeah, but why get all riled up over buttons and graphics right before bed? You already have a TV in your room, so you have better evening entertainment options at your fingertips. I'd recommend watching some good old-fashioned porn. You're looking for simulated action, anyway. My final word on the subject? Man made video games, but God made porn possible. Who do YOU trust?

My best friend is always better than me at every single video game we play together. He always

out races me, gets more kills than me, blows me up; whatever you can do in a video game, he does it better than me. No matter how much I practice, he always manages to beat me. How can I finally get a win over him?

Didn't you pay attention to the date-rape drug section of health class? If you had, you'd know that the best way to overpower someone is with GHB. I hear it's easy to make at home, and you can probably find the recipe if you Google it. Slip it into his drink, and soon you'll be able to not just beat him at video games, but have your way with him. Enjoy!

I'm not a psychic, I'm not a prophet, I'm not God, but I know what's good for you better than even you do. E-Mail me at jkozarsky@gamecola.net for advice on gaming, and the world in general.

Monthly Activity of the Month:
Figuring Out What I'm Supposed to Write for ...of the Month

One of the frequently most asked questions I get from my fans is "Hey Matt, how do you come up with all those amazing ideas for ...of the

Month??". Well, it's really a complicated process, but it can be broken down into several easy-to-follow steps:

Step 1: Wait until a few hours (or minutes) before the current month's deadline.

Step 7: Stick the finished product to the end of my other work and send it all in.

And there you have it. Seven simple steps to creating the wonderful feature (GameCola's oldest [and wisest] feature) known as ...of the Month.

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Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers II. Submissions III. Carbonated News IV. Reviews! A. Aladdin (SGG) B. Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure (MCD) C. Rush 2: Extreme Racing USA (N64) D. Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus (PSX) E. Top Gear Dare Devil (PS2) F. Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town (GBA) V. Your Top 10 Favorite Video Games VI. The Gates of Life VII. Games for the Casual Gamer VIII. Versus Mode IX. Great Moments in Gaming X. You Learn Something New Every Play XI. Cheat Codes for Life XII. ...of the Month

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