GameCola Volume 3 Issue 7: July 2004

Volume 3, Issue 7 - July 2004
Quenching Your Thirst For Video Entertainment ©
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Starring:

Also Featuring: RoxBear00009, Jenny, The Lizo, Matt Wright, and Eric Regan

I think the summer is affecting all of us, or at least, everyone on the GameCola staff. During the school year, it seemed like the GameCola writers were well ahead of the deadline most of the time, and that they were more enthusiastic about discussing our little webazine and various ideas that they have about it. Now, the only AIM conversations we have about GC go like this:

    Me: So, are you going to be in by the deadline?
    GC Staff Member: When's the deadline?
    Me: In about an hour.
    GC Staff Member: Oh.

And so on. In fact, it seems like I barely have conversations with them at all, not even a simple "yo d00d, whassup in the hizzouse?". Could it be that I am a tyrannical leader of this newsletter, caring but nothing but whether or not my people's articles are in on time?

But I'm getting off track. My main point right now is that the summer is making us lethargic. (It just further proves my point that multiple GameCola writers are MIA for this issue.) Though, I'm sure you've witnessed this during many summers before. I'm sure it's obvious enough to you that once school's out, you don't really feel like doing anything at all. What I'm not so sure that you've noticed, however, is that this includes video games.

Think about it. At the beginning of summer, do you tell yourself about how many video games you're going to beat over the next two and a half months? Do you emit drool from your mouth dreaming about how you'll FINALLY beat those fifty-two some odd games that you've had on your shelf for years, serving only as collectors of dust? And at the end of the summer, how many of those games have you actually completed? One? Maybe two? This is a problem that I for one face year after year. I get myself all wound up thinking about how maybe now I'll actually have more games in my collection that I've beaten than I have games that I haven't beaten, and I never ever ever accomplish this goal. I'll spend my summer on other, less important tasks, such as cleaning my fish tank, helping my parents move dirt around the back yard, or taking showers, and I'll end up only beating half of Dragon Warrior VII before having to start school again.

I find that I complete many more games during the school year than I do during the summer, and it just doesn't make sense. How is it that when I have more free time, I complete less games? This is something I'd like for you to ponder while reading our overly-positive reviews this month, and if you come up with any thoughts about it, e-mail me, or post about it on the forums.

Unless, of course, you're like me, and are far too busy trying to take both your socks off using only your feet to even think about giving GameCola some feedback.

P.S. Many thanks, props, ups, and yo-yos to forums poster Eric Regan for making us new "Submissions" and "Carbonated News" logos.

- Yes, that sounds fantastic. I'm into sadism and things of that nature, but getting hit by a truck after crazy animal sex would really be a new experience for me, and I'm always into new things, so why not? Call me sometime, baby!

I see that look in your eyes. I can hear your heartbeat growing rapidly faster. I can smell your desire. You wanna send something in to GameCola! Have thoughts on the current or a past issue? Have a drawing or photograph you'd like to share with us? How about some poetry? Or anything? Anything at all? We're not very choosey. So go for it, send your stuff in.. what do you have to lose?

e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net

This month was a pretty slow one for news, with nothing particularly noteworthy happening. So instead of droning on for a page about release dates for games that no one outside of the people making them cares about, I figured I'd take this space to show a picture of myself and Lucy, the Margate Elephant. Enjoy!

Please, if you are in any way involved in the video game industry, do something interesting next month so I won't have to resort to this again.

(I would have just taken this section out entirely, but I didn't want to wait until next month to debut our new "Carbonated News" logo. That, and I wanted to clear the air of any questions you might of had about what I would look like standing in front of a giant wooden Elephant.)

For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.

Our crack review squad^* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:

Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.

Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.

The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.

^{*Paul Franzen
was the only member of the crack review squad involved in
creating the GameCola ratings system.}

Platform: Atari 2600
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: January 1983
Developer: M Network
Publisher:

M Network

The original Masters of the Universe cartoon is awesome; but, its Atari game follows the nature of most licensed titles before it and after, which tend to suck beyond any reasonable level, and bring the TV show, comic, movie, or whatever else its based on to pure shame.

The Power of He-Man has the basic structure of a Masters of the Universe show. Just dodge and defeat Skeletor's goons, get to Skeletor, and he runs away. How could they screw that up? Apparently, it's possible to do with utter ease.

The first part of this game is just making it to Castle Grayskull, which is 30 miles away, on your Wind Raider while dodging enemy fire. To combat this enemy fire you can just blow up the tracking bombs and guys on the ground. This doesn't seem like much of a problem except there are three major flaws in the program that make this more difficult than it ever should be:

1. When you go to the highest point of the screen, the tracking bomb can
get slightly higher than you, putting it above where your gun can fire.

2. Sometimes enemies will shoot both a tracking bomb and a gun at the same time, and if you are hit by one, you will easily be hit by
the other. You basically end up losing two of your three lives in one shot.

3. Since you can move back and forth in a Defender-like motion, you can
     dodge stuff better. But for some reason, defying basic physics, the
     guns that the enemies shoot upward tend to move back if you push the
     screen the opposite way with the Wing Raider.
     Tsk tsk tsk.

Once you finally make it to the castle, you must hit Skeletor. In order to do this, all you have to do is dodge his projectiles and make your way through the guarding wall "cyclone". After this simple task is done, it's time to chase the fool down again. Fun...

Graphics seem to be the only thing this game has going for it. I have to say I enjoy the title screen, with the portrait of He-Man transforming, and the ship graphics in the first part. Too bad the part where you fight Skeletor is horrid and seems lazily done from the rest.

Really, I try not to give games such bad scores, but this one sure earned it. The Power of He-Man is barely worth owning as a joke. Just don't waste your time with it; play Ms. Pac-Man or Cosmic Ark, or just something besides this crappy excuse for software.

Atari 2600: Masters of the Universe - The Power of He-Man
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 4.4
3	5	5	7	2	Overall: 4.4

Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Simulation, Flight
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: June 1990
Developer: Milton Bradley
Publisher: Rare

I was not that surprised when I learnt that this game was made by Rare, along

with Snake Rattle 'n' Roll and Marble Madness; they were a kind of company that seemed to enjoy pushing the limits of the consoles' capabilities. Captain Skyhawk is no exception.

The storyline is simple: aliens have taken over the world, and they are using four bases that they built to suck the energy out of the Earth in order to feed it to their mothership, which is chilling somewhere in space. You take the roll of Captain Skyhawk, an ace pilot who, with the aid of his hi-tech jet, has been ordered to wipe out this alien menace. In short, you get to blow shit up.

The normal levels in this game are vertical shooters where you fly up the screen shooting anything that gets in your way, which is pretty much everything. All the enemies are slightly different in their movement and attacking style, but only a few of them can sustain more than one hit (though, the same goes for you). Unlike most games of the genre and time, you can make your ship ascent and descent, which helps you doge bullets and mountain tops. This extra element adds a whole lot more interest to the game. There are eight missions -- four which involve destroying an enemy base, two in which you rescue scientist, and two in which you have to bring

supplies to a friendly base. Between each mission you get a flying bonus game, which involves shooting down planes; this game starts out fun, but quickly gets boring, seeing as the later ones go on for hours. Every so often you can also enter a space station where you can spend credits you earn to pimp up your ride, and to buy extra missiles and stuff.

For an NES game, the graphics of Captain Skyhawk are pretty sweet. They have a slight 3D element about them, and you can easily recognize the mountains stretching up into an axis that most NES games don't dare to tread. The colours are plain, but are mostly easy on the eyes -- at least until you reach the later levels, for which sunglasses are recommended.

The music for this game is quite a letdown. Except for the sound effects, the levels are played in silence, and I can't help but feel that if they stuck in a tune, then it would make the game a whole lot cooler. When the music does play, it is above average for an NES game, and the tunes at the title screen and high scores table are very catchy.

Overall, Captain Skyhawk is a pretty addictive game, and you will keep coming back to it to try to achieve a high score, even if the high score table gets wiped out whenever you reset your NES (last time I completed the game, I got 316,900). If you find this game anywhere, I highly recommend it; fans of shooting and flight simulators will like it, and you can have fun crushing my score and sticking it in my face.

Nintendo Entertainment System: Captain Skyhawk
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 6.44
8	4	6.2	8	6	Overall: 6.44

Platform: Sega Master System
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: March 1991
Developer: Sega
Publisher: Sega

Think of Mickey Mouse, and what do you see? A grinning, hateful spectre of corporate America. A once-proud icon of children's innocence raped by greedy fascists. Everybody HATES Mickey Mouse.

Not me, though. No matter what he does, I'll always forgive him. For he brought unto me the greatest game ever made. Yes. The greatest game ever made.

Here's the story: Mickey Mouse's girlfriend, Minnie (basically, him in drag), is kidnapped by the wicked witch Mizrabel. Mickey must gather the seven gems of the rainbow and rescue her. Minnie, that is. Not the witch.

For a start, the controls are perfect. You press button 2 to jump. You press button 1 to perform a bounce attack. You also press button 1 to pick up and throw. Anyone who has a problem with these controls is a moron, a liar, or some sort of amputee.

Now, to the untrained eye, Castle of Illusion is a bog-standard platform game. However, playing this game is an experience that can only truly be likened to bathing in chocolate with Angelina Jolie. The imagination and childlike whimsy in this game could fill a... pretty big hole. But I digress. This game is FUN. REALLY fun. Think of a game you find fun and triple it. Now add 5. That's how FUN this game is.

Mickey's journeys take him through a forest, a toy factory, a chocolate factory, a library, a clock tower, and finally a castle. Each stage is packed with hidden treasure, crafty traps, and clever touches. In the toy factory, for example, Mickey is assaulted by remote control planes. Attacking the planes merely freezes them for a few seconds, but locating and

destroying the remote control takes out all the offenders.

The difficulty level is easy to moderate. The game opens with a selection -- you can pick "Practice" or "Normal" difficulty. "Practice" is offensively easy, so you'll be bypassing that one. The game can be cleared in about an hour if you know what you're doing. But that's not the point. This game is so beautifully judged, every time you play is a joy. The learning curve is so subtle, you never feel anything is unsurpassable.

The music is memorable and appropriate. I defy anyone to play through the game and not find themselves humming at least one of the tunes. The sound effects are fine, with the notable exception of Mickey's "jump" sound. In theory it works, but it sounds... off-key. And since this is the sound that you will be hearing the most in this game, this si something of a failing.

The visuals are crisp and colourful. The sprites have character, and Mickey himself is a loveable little scamp. Bosses are impressively meaty (not to mention INGENIOUS), and the backgrounds on most levels, particularly the clock tower, are impressive.

I don't know whether I'm blinded with nostalgia (this game was the first game I received), but I have continuously returned to this game for over ten years, and have never become sick of it. This is either a testament to the game's replay value, or a testament to my intense patheticness. Any which way, this game is buckets o' fun.

Sega Master System: Castle of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 9.52
10	9.1	10	9.8	8.7	Overall: 9.52

Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Sports
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: June 1992
Developer: Game Tek
Publisher: Game Tek

Almost everyone remembers the show American Gladiators, but the game is less known. The SNES game has its ups and downs. It is fun going through seven of the events from the TV show. The bad thing is that some

are confusing to do unless you have the instruction book. I still can't figure out how to knock off the gladiator in the Human Cannonball.

The music in the game is decent. There are only two songs in the game, which is the problem. The songs are long, so they don't get on your nerves too bad. The song also has some variation, depending on the game you're playing. There are no sound effects at all. The music is the only thing that ever comes out of the speakers.

The controls are bad. Late responses are common. You'll find yourself mashing the buttons just trying to get something accomplished. On the Wall, you move by pressing any button repeatedly. As you navigate up it, you'll probably get stuck on the corner and then the gladiator will yank you down.

The graphics aren't as great as they could be for SNES. The characters don't have faces. The top view shows head and shoulders only. There aren't many colors either. The visuals could have definitely been better.

When you play the game enough, it becomes too easy. It isn't even a challenge anymore. The only contest is in versing another human. For some people, like me, the game is fun to play occasionally. But I know that there are people who can't stand the game. The best way to figure out if you like this one is to try it for yourself. But don't pay too much for it.

Super Nintendo Entertainment System: American Gladiators
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 4.6
7	3	3	4	6	Overall: 4.6

Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: August 1994
Developer: Treasure
Publisher: Treasure

Platform games had hit rock-bottom. Everyone was sick of the wave of cutesy characters with ATTITUDES, all with their own KER-RAZY adventures. Bubsy the Bobcat. Aero the Acro-Bat. Awesome Possum. Zero the Kamikaze. They were all too little, too late. Sonic had passed his prime and everyone was looking to the next-gen systems for their

gaming pleasure. As a result, a few games were criminally overlooked. Dynamite Headdy was one of them.

Dynamite Headdy is different. Even the name of the game invites curiosity. At heart, it is a simple old-timey platform game, but it has more than a few excellent touches that make it essential. For a start, the feature that, for me, excels the game: the secret bonus points. Bonuses given to the player for experimenting. Trying stupid, pointless things. Sure, they're only points, but come the end of a level, you'll be itching to go back and hit every wall from every different direction in order to find that last elusive bonus point.

The controls are perfectly functional. The C button makes Headdy jump, the B button makes Headdy throw his head, and the A button cancels the current head. The head throw can be aimed in eight directions, but has a limited range. This is remedied by collecting bonus heads from Headdy's friend... Headcase. These bonus heads include such gems as "Spike Head", which lets you climb walls, "Triple Head", which allows Headdy to throw a three-way head, and my personal favorite, "Small Head", which shrinks Headdy to 1/5 of his original size!

Wusses need not apply for this game. It is tough, sometimes frustratingly so. One boss in particular (the nasty gatekeeper, world 7) just WILL NOT die. The imagination is what keeps you gaming, the yearning to play on and see what surprise awaits you on the next level. The game throws constant thrills from beginning to end, with some truly unforgettable

bosses.

The game keeps you humming with some memorable music. Of special note is the theme to world 7. The sound effects are effective also, but there is a little too much repetition.

Dynamite Headdy looks lovely. Effects such as sprite scaling and rotation frequency get thrown up, with chunky, memorable sprites, especially on the bosses. The boss "Spinderella" is, graphically, a Genesis first. The game is very colourful, with excellent self-referential intro and exit screens. Every time you play, you'll spot something new.

This game is awesomely fun, with the first level "The Getaway, managing to be far more entertaining than the PS2 game of the same name. New elements are frequently thrown up to keep players on their toes. The gravity switching fun of "Twin Freaks". The airborne combat of "Fly Hard". The Indiana Jones-esque boulder dodging of "Toys N the Hood". The horrible puns on popular movies that form the names of each level.

The replay value is high even without the secret bonus points. There is an extra ending to unlock by beating hidden bonus games, and it's so dam fun to play that you'll keep coming back to it anyway.

Sega Genesis: Dynamite Headdy
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 9.1
9.4	8.9	9.5	9.6	8.5	Overall: 9.1

Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre: Adventure
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: October 1996
Developer: Crystal Dynamics
Publisher: Crystal Dynamics

So I'm about to leave EB Games one day, after searching through the store and not finding anything that superbly excited me, when I saw a sign that would forever change the course of the next few days; "Buy Two Used Games, Get One Free". Not one to give up a video game bargain (even if there's nothing in the store that superbly excites me), I searched again and came up with three titles to add to my collection. The ones I would actually pay fore ended up being Shenmue for Dreamcast and Eternal Darkness for GameCube, both games that had been recommended by various sources of video game knowledge. The third title, however, the one I got for free, I picked up solely because the

cover looked funny and it sounded like a pretty awful game -- the kind perfect for me to review. As you've probably guessed by reading the title of this review, that game was Blazing Dragons for Sony PlayStation, and as you've probably guessed if you've skipped ahead and looked at my ratings already, this game isn't half as generic as its name suggests.

I spent the next two days playing this game, only having to look up the answers to puzzles a couple of times (which is good, for me). Although short for a point-and-click adventure game, Blazing Dragons is thoroughly enjoyable -- moreso than current games for that genre, such as Broken Sword: The Sleeping Dragon. Blazing Dragons is the story of a young dragon named Flicker who needs to become a knight and win this big contest in order to win the hand in marriage of the fair Princess Flame. If he fails to do this, Princess Flame will be forced to marry some stupid knight against her will, and that would totally suck. Most of the game involves you solving puzzles to obtan items to solve other puzzles to obtain items and so on, but there are a few minigames in there for your pleasure, too -- one of which has you using a catapult to fling a feline at a cardboard castle.

Some may balk at the incredibly corny nature of this game's humor, but I found it amusing, and it even made me laugh out loud a few times. Some of the characters in the game are voiced by Terry Jones (of Monty Python fame) and Cheech Marin (of endless showings on Comedy Central of "Cheech and Chong" movies fame), so if you're a fan of either of them, you might wanna consider looking into Blazing Dragons. While it isn't as legitimately funny as the first three Monkey Island titles, I'm sure at least a few of you will get a chuckle or two out of the punny dialogue this game features.

The visuals are strikingly similar to those of classic LucasArts computer adventures, and the music and sound effects are as well. This is a good thing. Part of the charm of those games is their aesthetics, and this game delivers that charm in full force. Of course, it's not as gorgeous as your Chrono Crosses and your Final Fantasy VIIIs, but these graphics go along with the genre almost perfectly. I personally wouldn't have it any other way. They only place they falter is in the cutscenes; the visuals tehre, like in Dragon Warrior VII, go against the grain of the video game, and just don't seem to fit with it that well. All the dialogue in this game is spoken, which is rather impressive for a PlayStation title, and the voice acting is surprisingly good. Especially for those who giggle at/are attracted to British accents. This is the adventure title for you!

The controls, like the graphics, are akin to the LucasArts adventures, so expect a lot of pointing and clicking. This works surprisingly well with the PlayStation controller, which makes me wonder why the newer adventure titles are trying to get away from it. The only way the controls would have worked better would be with a mouse, but they're perfectly acceptable with your typical DualShock.

For all of you out there who want a classic adventure title for your PlayStation or PlayStation 2 console, pick up Blazing Dragons. The rest of you would probably get a kick out of it too, but it might be hard to pick up how the interface is structured at first. Some might be turned off by how short this game is; but since it doesn't take a hundred hours to complete, you might be more inclined to play it more than once. This is a solid adventure title from the same people who published the Gex titles, and I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a cheap laugh. You cynical folk who laugh at nothing but the misfortune of others might wanna steer clear of it, though.

Sony PlayStation: Blazing Dragons
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 7.7
7.5	8	7	9	7	Overall: 7.7

Platform: Sony PlayStation 2
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: August 2003
Developer: Unique Development Studios
Publisher: Vivendi Universal

Dangerous territory here -- a licensed game. Sure, all the original cast are

present and correct, and the script is written by the original writers... but is it at all fun to play? With Futurama, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Futurama is a 3-dimensional action adventure with a lean towards platforming. You get to play as Fry, Leela, Bender, and Dr. Zoidberg in a quest to stop evil entrepreneur Mom from taking over the universe. Fry's game is a third-person shooter, Bender's a platformer, Leela's a beat 'em up, and Zoidberg's a mad dash like those on the Hog Ride levels of Crash Bandicoot.

The controls are responsive, but oddly placed for such a game. The primary attack button is square, and the secondary attack button is X. This leaves O as the jump button, which is not instinctive for a game with so many precision jumps. Also, the triangle button (use) is unresponsive, the context-sensitive pads and switches being very stubborn.

The difficulty is moderate to annoyingly high, the moderate being the opening level in the workshop, the high being Dr. Zoidberg's amazingly poorly designed romp through the swamp on "Horse" back. The learning curve is also erratic; the second, sewer-based level is far more difficult than it's precursor -- a lesser gamer would probably give up and trade it in there and then. Persevere, however, and you'll find the real joy of the 'Rama. The New New York Level is a joy, with some wonderful design and brilliant jokes for fans of the cartoon to spot.

Musically, the game is functional. The spot effects are fine and the tunes, mostly, do not grate. However, the aforementioned Sewer level is backed by an annoying and inappropriate remix of the Futurama theme. Being a licensed game, the characters spout off catchphrases at regular intervals, and while some are funny ("This crystal has the power to heal... my empty wallet! HAHAHA!" quips Bender upon picking up a Robobium crystal), they get slightly tiresome after you hear the same joke 50 times in one level.

The graphics are impressive and chunky. They are cel-shaded, so it does actually look like an episode of the show. The only criticism I can really level at this area of the game is that there is not enough variation between the enemies. On Leela's section in particular there is little to differentiate between the attackers, making her section by far the weakest.

However, even with all these problems, you would not be disappointed if you bought this game. The levels are entertaining and in the most part tricky without being frustrating. The characters and cutscenes are funny and the plot is engrossing. You'll laugh out loud at least once.

There are Nibblers hidden on each level, and grabbing them all will unlock the FMVs, music, and (*gasp*) loading screen of that level. These rewards aren't great (with the exception of the cutscenes), but they inject value into a fairly slight game.

This game is a must for fans, and worth a rent for others. A bit of an acquired taste.

Sony PlayStation 2: Futurama
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 7.82
8.4	7.8	6	9.4	7.5	Overall: 7.82

Platform: Nintendo Game Boy Advance
Genre: Role-Playing, Action
# of Players: 1 - 4
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: April 2004
Developer: Sega
Publisher: Atlus Software

Whenever I see your shining soul I just wanna... close... my eyes... or something. Know the song? Eh?? Eh?? In any event, this soul has it

all! It has shine... and that's really all a soul needs, right? As hinted at by the title, this game is a sequel! A sequel to a game called "Shining Soul", actually. The Shining Soul series is a spin-off, of sorts. It didn't spin from another soul, though! No! It spun from something with a bit more... force. That's correct, Genesis (Sega, not Phil Collins) fans! Shining Force! Unlike Shining Force, Shining Soul is an action/RPG where you control a single character.

The main funitude of this game comes from the ability to customize the main character in many different ways. For starters, you can choose form up to eight different character classes (although there is a secret character, it's just one of the eight classes with higher stats and a new look). These eight classes include mages and warriors of various types, and once you decide which character to be, you can choose from one of 10 color schemes for each character. But that's not all... no, not EVEN close. You can then decide what type of weapon(s) or spell(s) your character will excel in! And if that isn't enough fun character creating for you, then congratulations.

The controls! Yes yes YES this game suuuure does have them. It also has visuals and audio! It has all sorts of pretty pictures and sound effects and background music, and you can press buttons and move and hit things... but that's j

ust not good enough, is it? We're looking for perfection here! PER-FEC-T-TION! And this game can only reach the "above-average" mark in these categories... *sigh* ...so it goes, so it goes. But, however, also, though... this game does reach for the stars with one particular area.

REPLAY VALUE! This game has hordes and hordes of it. If you didn't start reading this review right here, you'd know that you could create a character. After you do that, though, there is still more game left! You go on a completely non-cliché journey around an island, and later some mainland areas, defeating several bosses along the way and eventually defeating the evil dark power that threatens to take over the whole world! Not exactly a groundbreaking story, here, but what exactly would one expect? Anyway, after you hack and slash your way through a dozen or so levels of monster filled action/excitement and finally do defeat this evil dark thing, you get the chance to DO IT AGAIN!!! That's right! This game has a sort of super new game + feature, which lets you replay any level you have already beaten at any time during the game, and lets you replay the game in a harder difficulty once you have beaten the final boss. Cool eh? Yea, you know it. Combine this with the multiplayer feature for a whole boat load of fun times playing this game over and over with your closest buddies.

Business time, business time, we'll stop on a dime when it's business time. This game can be businessed for about $29.99 from a GameStop or EB Games, and I'd say it's worth every penny.

Nintendo Game Boy Advance: Shining Soul II
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 7.2
8	6	7	6	9	Overall: 7.2

10. Kung Fu (NES): This was the very first video game I owned, so it takes a special place in my heart. I know it's a very simple game (punch, kick, repeat) but, I'll never forget when I first beat the big guy on the third level (name escapes me!), I ran down to the park (about 2 kilometres [1.2428 miles for those who use this confusing system!!!]) to tell my mum who was walking the dog at the time (I was only 7!! Give me a break!!) :).

9. Final Fantasy VII (PSX): The one and only reason I bought a PlayStation. I'd never played a Final Fantasy game before, but I'd heard amazing things about this game! I was absolutely GLUED to the ruddy TV for about 2 months... Thing is, I got right to the end, with maybe 15 minutes of playing to go, and my memory card got stolen!!!!! GOD DAMMIT!! :).

8. Excitebike (NES): Another very simple game (weren't most of them back in the

day??) which had me well and truly hooked!!! I especially loved how you could make your own tracks, then laugh your ass off at your mate desperately trying to get anywhere on them!! (Not that I could either, the way I made them!!)

7. Perfect Dark (N64): This game, to me and my girlfriend, was about as addictive as addictive could be. A typical day would be, we wake up and play a bit of PD, I go to work, come back for lunch, but instead play PD, go back to work, then, when I get home, play a LOT more PD!! In between all this we had to eat, sleep, and do all the other things associated with life, but, whenever we could, we'd play Perfect Dark. Bring on the sequel!!!!!

6. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES): The very first Zelda game I ever played. Yes I know, I'm deprived of having played the original NES Zelda's, but I was too busy playing my number 1 game! I absolutely loved this game. I remember people complained that it was too easy as they provided a tips mini-booklet with the game, but did anyone hold a gun to your head and force you to read it???? NO!! I LOVE this sort of game, roaming around towns, talking to people with quests and such in between. I get so absorbed it's not funny!!

5. Tetris (GBO): Hands up who owned an original Game Boy and DIDN'T own this game? Nope, didn't think there'd be many of you :). One of the smartest moves Nintendo ever made was to include this with their beloved green-screener. I've never known a game with replay value like this!! It's amazing fun, and an absolute BASTARD on the hard settings (well you HAVE got .2 of a second to decide where each piece is going to go!!!). Portable gaming at its finest!

4. Faxanadu (NES): What amazes me, is the whole reason I bought this game, is I saw an ad for it on TV, that played about 2 seconds of the title screen and the music that went along with it!!!! I had NO idea that this game

would guide my gaming choices into the RPG lover that I am now!! It's astoundingly massive (for its time) and about as deep as any game could back then. I just KNOW someone out there is saying "OH, but what about XXX game? THAT was WAY deeper than Faxanadu!!" Well, I don't care what you think!! This is MY Top Ten Dammit!!!!! Fine, FINE GAME!!

3. Super Monkey Ball (GCN): GOD DAMN THIS GAME!!!! I've never known any like this!! It's such a simple idea, but it's SO GOD DAMN ADDICTIVE!!!! And the minigames, don't get me started!!! I really want to find Monkey Ball 2 but I can't find it ANYWHERE over here (bloody Australia!!). I swear to God, some of the later levels, will make me tear my frigging hair out if I don't master them soon!!!

2. Ultima VII (PC): Now THIS, is a deep game!! Yes, I know, it's not a VIDEO game as such, as it's on the PC, but it was on the Super NES so there!! As previously mentioned, I love any game where you can wander around at your own leisure, talking to people, doing mini-tasks and generally whatever you want, HEAVEN!!!! I love everything to do with Knights and Ye Olde times, so this game has kept me coming back for many, many years now (even if it IS only to wander around and kill guards for their weaponry) :).

1. Metroid (NES): What can I say? The BEST adventure game of its time (and for many years after its release!!). The unparalled freedom, the powerups, the music!! The excitement of finding the High Jump boots and trying to remember all the places you can FINALLY reach!! The joy of being able to freeze the bloody enemies instead of killing them (unless you have to for energy/rockets). I swear, some of the tunes for the levels are the best ever written for a video game! They never get boring even if you're stuck on a level for hours on end!! How many games could claim THAT sort of quality back then? Not many mesfinks.... Plus I think it's the first example of equal rights for women in a video game!! Proving that a woman can kick just as much ass as a man can!! I'll never forget the day I finally beat the 'Brain, I nearly jumped through the roof with joy!! Seriously, hands down, the BEST game I have ever played!! And all in less than half a megabyte!!! :).

For some reason, we don't seem to get very many of those. I don't understand. Is it really that hard to write about your top ten favorite/least favorite games? I bet it isn't as hard as you're making it out to be. I say go for it; give it a go, kid. If you do it, I'll make it worth your while.. you'll be featured in GameCola! That's right, we're in the business of making dreams come true! Now then, let us do it for you, okay?

e-mail: Top10@gamecola.net

Naelroe: So, Jonathan the Minotaur, eh? I guess you get to be the unlucky one to first bear witness to my ultimate power! They are going to
have to call you Jonathan the DEAD Minotaur when I'm finished with you.

Narrator: Without a word, Jonathan took a few steps towards Naelroe, lifted his large right leg high into the air, and crushed her flat with a
single stomp.

Narrator: Th-Thank you... Well then, back to the descriptions. All of the other combatants quickly turned towards the sound of the mighty
crash, and Barin and company gasped in horror when they realized what had happened. Render and pals, however, just smiled
knowingly, as if to say "Did you expect anything less from THE Jonathan the Minotaur?".

Narrator: n00b shouted out while pointing towards the spot where Naelroe had met her untimely end. Najen, infuriated by this cocky
outburst, responded by quickly thrusting a knife into the throat of n00b.

Dugo: You would do well to pay less attention to other battles and focus on your own, Enrique!

Narrator: With that Dugo lunged at Enrique and thrust his sword directly towards Enrique's heart. However, Dugo's sword came to a
complete stop fractions of a second before piercing him.

Narrator: Dugo looked on in horror as Enrique stood before him, holding a single finger on the tip of Dugo's sword.

Narrator: But Enrique did not answer him; he just continued to stand there with his finger on the blade.

Narrator: Enrique continued to stand there, staring directly at Dugo and not saying a word.

Narrator: And with that, Enrique grabbed the sword by the blade and tore it form Dugo's hands. He held the sword out to his side, and
almost immediately it crumbled into dust.

Dugo: Oh, come on! That's not even fair! Najen, get your ass hover here and help me!

Dugo: I expect you to move your damned legs and bring yourself over here and help me!

Dugo: Now you... monster. I don't know what you are, but you won't take us down without a fight!

Render: *sigh* Maybe if you actually read this story ever instead of just skimming through this particular issue with the sole purpose of
finding something to complain about, you'd know what he is.

Rivers: Yeah, really. He definitely told us exactly what he is the first time we met him.

Dugo: I wasn't even around when you first met! Wasn't that during my extended mandatory "vacation"?

Rivers: Yea, I remember it being nice and peaceful then... so he must not have been here.

Jonathan: Nice and peaceful? That was when you were being chased by a mad kitten fusion monster!

Barin: I'm so sorry to interrupt, but in case you've forgotten, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE!

Render: ...Barin does have a point. Enrique and Jonathan, why don't you finish those two off?

Narrator: Jonathan and Enrique approached Najen and Dugo from opposite sides, forcing the two to face them back-to-back

Narrator: Najen whispered her plan into Dugo's ear. They then looked back and forth between Jonathan and Enrique, and without further hesitation, initiated the plan. Dugo ran as fast as he could towards Jonathan, with Najen close behind him. When they were close enough to him, Najen leapt up onto Dugo's shoulders. Jonathan swung at the two with his mighty fist, but Dugo countered by quickly jumping up onto Jonathan's outstretched arm and then onto his shoulders. Upon landing on Jonathan's shoulders, Dugo jumped again, this time backwards as high as he could go. At the highest point of the jump, Najen leapt off of Dugo's shoulders and went flying feet first directly towards Enrique. Neither Jonathan nor Enrique had expected such a feat of acrobatics, and Enrique had not expected an attack at all, since they had both charged Jonathan, so he was unable to react in time. Najen came crashing down with both feet hitting Enrique directly in the face.

Narrator: Najen landed and made her way back over to Dugo, where they both resumed their back-to-back position. Enrique was still standing in the exact position he was before the kick, but the force had knocked his head back. He continued to look at the sky for a moment, impressed that they had actually been able to pull something like that off, but after a few more seconds he brought his head down and looked directly at Najen.

Narrator: Enrique did not give Najen any time to enjoy his praise, however. Almost immediately after saying that, Enrique looked towards Najen's boots.

Narrator: Najen dropped to her knees and began frantically trying to remove her boots. All others, with the exception of Enrique, looked at her, confused. She finally managed to get them off and threw them aside, but before they even hit the ground they both burst into flames.

Narrator: Najen scowled at Dugo and punched him in the shin before rising to her feet.

Najen: You wouldn't be so smug if your feet were burning off. Not that they are much better now that I've gotten those boots off. Ow! Who thought it was a good idea to have our climactic showdown on the beach, anyway?! This sand is hot!!

Narrator: Najen began hopping back and forth, from foot to food, grabbing the one she wasn't standing on and desperately trying to cool it off however she could.

Narrator: Before waiting for Dugo's approval, which he wasn't about to give, anyway, Najen jumped onto his back.

Dugo: Jeez, who would have thought some hardened assassin would have such sensitive feet?

Najen: Well, I'm sorry my assassin training didn't include any walking over hot coals exercises!

Jonathan: Hmm... As humorous as this scene may be, perhaps it is time to get this over with and move on, Enrique.

Narrator: Enrique once again focused his energy on the two opponents. Najen and Dugo closed their eyes, expecting the worst.

Narrator: But Enrique's magic had worked, and when the two tried to move in order to do some sort of celebratory dance, they found themselves unable to move.

Narrator: Jonathan nodded his head and walked over to Najen and Dugo. He then lifted them up into the air, and with an extraordinary show of strength, threw the two of them so far into the ocean that everyone lost sight of them.

Jonathan: Now that that's out of the way, I believe it's time for a more... thrilling... battle.

Narrator: And with that last, almost pathetic attempt by Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora to have more lines in this chapter, the four prepared to fight. Who will win, I wonder...?

(Before I begin with this issue's "Versus Mode", let me assure you that I have looked into it, and "Who Wants to Beat Up a Millionaire" does indeed not have a question mark at it's tail end.)

If you've been studying your GameCola back issues, you may have conceived

the notion that I have a soft spot in my heart for trivia games, a genre that is typically neglected by your typical gamer. This is true. For whatever reason, I've always picked various forms of Jeopardy! as my default party title (I have very small parties), instead of something more gamerly, such as basically any other non-trivia form of electronic interactive entertainment. I guess the main reason I like trivia games so much is that they require little-to-no skill, meaning that I can actually beat other human players every now and then, providing that these human players still regularly dine on paste. In any event, the two games I have for you today aren't your typical trivia titles -- they're more like parodies of trivia games.

You Don't Know Jack is the more famous of the two, having spawned roughly fifty-seven PC titles, such as "You Don't Know Jack: Sports", "You Don't Know Jack: Movies", and "You Don't know Jack: Interior Design". The game is bare bones in design, with having you and up to two friends compete to see who can get the highest score by answering questions. Occasionally the question won't be just a four-choice multiple choice question, and you'll have to do something totally zany. This zaniness involves having to decide whether a phrase belongs to one

category or the other, in what is dubbed a "Dis or Dat". The main edge this game has over other trivia games is its humor, which sadly, not everyone actually finds to be funny.

Another game not everyone (or, as one might argue, anyone) finds to be funny is "Who Wants to Beat Up a Millionaire", the question-mark lacking parody of Regis Philbin's "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?". You know that kid you've had to sit next to in class before? The one who constantly cracks jokes, despite that at best all he gets is some polite laughter from a generous soul? The one who smells slightly of stale dirt? This game is a lot like that kid. Your host, Egregious Phillin, is quite possibly the unfunniest man ever conceived by any video game developer. He's even worse than the host of MTV Remote Control for the NES, if for no other reason then you have to actually hear him talk. The gameplay ain't so great either. Instead of just answering questions and using lifelines to earn lots of money, you answer questions and use lifelines in order to beat up a chosen millionaire. Beating up the rich folk plays like a stripped down boxing game, except somehow less fun. During your assaults you periodically take away the millionaire's money, and the way you win is to get your person down to $0.00. This takes approximately as long as Persian Gulf War.

In all honesty, there's really no contest in this war of the trivia games parodies. You Don't Know Jack wins by a landslide, due to superior gameplay, jokes that are at least sometimes funny, and a welcome lack of characters named "Sheik Abdul Chickpea". Though, to be fair, most games that aren't "Bubsy in: Close Encounters of the Furred Kind" have those edges over Who Wants to Beat Up a Millionaire. Stick with Jeopardy!.

Congratulations. You are no longer a slave to the evil gaming corporations who choose what games to buy for you. You're a free spirit, able to choose what you want to play.

There are many different types of gamer, but in the end they fall into four (very)

general categories: Ignoramus, Casual, Nostalgiaddict, and Quirky. I'll cover these four identities and then you can decide which one you want to be.

I'll start with the Ignoramus. The Ignoramus, or "Iggy", is the kind of gamer that you see walking into a game store, picking up a copy of Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, smiling like a moron, then handing over £40 and walking out, oblivious to the fact that they are carrying actual human feces in a box.

It is your DUTY as a true gamer to STOP THESE PEOPLE AT ALL COSTS. Take a leaf out of my book and hide all copies of Ty behind better games. Thusly, the Iggys will not purchase them. They are too ignorant to search for a game. If you see one walking towards the counter with a copy of a crap game, STOP THEM. Direct them to better things (Ratchet and Clank, Jak 2 et al).

Next, we come to the Casual gamer. These are the gamers who go with the games that get a lot of publicity. Grand Theft Auto, Final Fantasy, etc. These gamers are, at heart, fine people. They buy good games (games that get positive reviews tend to be good, let's face it), and they enjoy them. They do not take any risks in their purchasing, but they get results. These gamers can be left alone. They do no one any harm.

Now we come to the Nostalgiaddict. These are the gamers who refuse to play or discuss games other than retro, or retro compilations. When they hear the letters "GTA", they will scoff, and start warbling on about APB and how it was the predecessor to every game of that genre. These gamers are, however, tolerant of the other groups and will gladly help a distressed gamer to choose something good (usually a retro update like R-Type Final or Contra: Shattered Solider).

Last, but by no means least, we come to the Quirky. These gamers shun all the other classes, and actually ASSAULT the Iggys. They will attempt to slot games such as DoDonPachi, Gunstar Heroes, Gregory Horror Show and ToeJam and Earl into every conversation. Notice that no one bought these games. These gamers can be fun, and they can get one into the best kind of games, but they are obnoxious and arrogant to the extreme. They must be approached only by one who is deeply tolerant.

Of course, these four classes of gamers are by no means concrete. They can be mixed and matched at will. But by far the worst combination is the Quiggy: a merging of Quirky and Iggy. They like to mention Radiant Silvergun and Musashi Ganryuuki to sound badass, but they have NEVER PLAYED THEM. These gamers must be SHOT.

This brings How to be a Gamer to an end. I hope it has been an enlightening ride for all you stupid amateurs. Now you can truly hold your head up high and say you are a gamer.

Most likely if you are a video game collector, you are going to end up dealing with other collectors with a similar interest. A lot of times some monetary amount will come into the mix, but trading is also a great means to make both you and your fellow hobbyist happy. You can't just trade off precious bits of your collection, though -- that's where trade bait comes in.

Trade bait is basically stuff that people might take in exchange for some other game or video games related item. It's great to have once you start becoming more involved in collecting, because you can usually save money by trading instead of seeking it out on E-Bay.

The key to trade bait is having something that's worthwhile that you received for cheaper than the normal asking price. The best way to find out if something is "worthwhile" is to check out collectors' wanted lists, on message boards such as the ones at Digital Press, and just get accustomed to what games are uncommon and rare (R5s-R10s on Digital Press' guides). Of course, be wary about obtaining common items to trade; they will be harder to get rid of.

Now that you know what systems are highly sought out by fellow collectors, do you just go buying everything you can to trade later? NO! The key part about trade bait is that it's stuff that is cheap that you are able to find and have no use for. When buying the trade bait, make sure it's within your budged, and that it's cheaper than listed normally. For the most part, you can at least find one or two people who are willing to trade. The safest place to trade without fear of being ripped off is the Digital Press forums. I myself have done a few trades and business transactions for video games there, and I have had it work out nicely each time.

The only thing I suggest is to get trade material when it's financially within your means, just in case you are stuck with an extra Army Men game, or five PlayStations. Until next time, game on, my brothas and sistas.

Video games have evolved from just sitting in front of a TV with a controller. There are games that actually require you to be active, like the games where you stand on a skateboard or skis. They are mainly at the arcade, but home versions are being made now.

A very good example of this is Dance Dance Revolution. Kids no longer have to be gaining weight as they play video games. They can actually lose weight. It can be very good exercise for people who don't. Since it's a game, lazy kids might even be motivated to try it. DDR has helped some people to lose up to 200 pounds! That's impressive considering that a lot of people say you will amount to nothing if you play video games a lot. This shows that video games are useful, and can make a difference.

Bad things can happen, too, if you aren't careful. A 15 year old girl from my town had a heart attack while playing. As long as you know your limits, this won't happen to you. The only thing you have to worry about is people walking by and making fun of you.

If it came down to it, I could probably be described as quintessentially girly. While clothes and boys aren't quite the only things I care about, they definitely occupy a large portion of my thoughts at any given time. This femininity extends to my gaming, seeing as I favor fluffy titles such as The Sims or Diddy Kong Racing over the new Bloody Mayhem Part 94835 or Madden 2009. However, when I played Harry Potter;

Quidditch World Cup, the sportiest game I've played to date, I enjoyed it so much that I almost wished testosterone would work its elusive magic and sprout me a brand new set of huevos.

I chose my team (Gryffindor, like totally, duh) and played some practice exercises to get the hang of the game. (Warning: Quidditch terms ahead). I found that the Chasers are easy to maneuver, and passing is relatively simple. Unfortunately, I couldn't really work the Beaters, but that's okay because I love being the Seeker. After a few "challenges" designed to help the player grasp the rudimentary basics of the game, I felt ready for action.

My first Quidditch game went well. Not knowing anything about sports games, I expected that I'd be one single character for the entire game... not realizing that the control shifted to whatever player possessed the ball at that moment. This was amazing. I could manipulate the easy-to-handle controls, pass the Quaffle, and the second it left my grasp be back in control! I am very easily entertained, yes, but this was really earth-shattering. However, my excitement didn't get the best of me... I beat Hufflepuff.

I would recommend this game to any casual gamer, especially one that loves Harry Potter. It's not hard to get the hang of it, and pretending to be Harry is really fun if you're bored.

That's right, my brothas and sistas, my PS2 now has skin! In other words, I put giant stickers on it... and believe you me, it is sexy now. Of course, you don't have to believe me if you don't want to; just check out the pictures yourself. Unless, of course, Mr. Franzen didn't put up the pictures I sent him for the soul purpose of making me look like an ass. Of course, it could be argued that I do a wonderful job of that on my own, but oh well.

In case you can't understand/can't see the picture for whatever reason, I'll spare a few seconds of my time to explain to you just what is going on in it. Now, if you haven't even taken an introductory art course, some of the words I use may be a bit over your head, but please try and bear with me here. Okay. This is a picture from Tifa from Final Fantasy VII. She is standing. That's basically all there is to it. If you still don't get it, I suggest going down to my local Barnes and Nobles and asking my good friend Heather to recommend to you a good book on basic art lingo. If that doesn't help, I really don't know what to tell you.

Whether or not you did fully comprehend the picture, one truth prevails: Unless your PS2 has a picture of Freddy Mercury on it, my PS2 is awesomer than yours.

Entire contents © 2004 by Paul Franzen. All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyrights reserved herein, reproductions of GameCola in any manner, whether in whole or in part, without express written permission, is strictly prohibited. All submissions including, but not limited to, artwork, text, photographs, and videos become property of Paul Franzen. All trademarks and copyrights are property of their respective owners. All products and characters are property of their respective trademark and copyright owners. Copyright in all screenshots is owned by their respective companies.

GameCola readily welcomes product information for all video games. Such materials should be addressed to: GameCola, 3 Deer Trail, Tabernacle, NJ, 08088.

Enjoy GameCola, homeslice? Please tell your friends and anyone else who might be interested all about it!

Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers II. Submissions III. Carbonated News IV. Reviews! A. Masters of the Universe: The Power of He-Man (A26) B. Captain Skyhawk (NES) C. Castle of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse (SMS) D. American Gladiators (SNES) E. Dynamite Headdy (SG) F. Blazing Dragons (PSX) G. Futurama (PS2) H. Shining Soul II (GBA) V. Your Top 10 Favorite Video Games VI. The Gates of Life VII. Versus Mode VIII. How to be a Gamer IX. Preserving the Plastic X. You Learn Something New Every Play XI. Games for the Casual Gamer XII. ...of the Month

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