GameCola Volume 3 Issue 6: June 2004

Volume 3, Issue 6 - June 2004
Quenching Your Thirst For Video Entertainment ©
Now serving one-hundred and seventy-eight subscribers!
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Starring:

Also Featuring: Phillip Reed, RockMFR, Dhhurricanes49, and Travis Combs

I'm going to try something a little different here this month. For far too long has "Dear Readers" been confined to a 3-4 paragraph long blur of words about how Sony is annoying me or how I just got back from Disney World. This month, I present to you: a pictorial. See if you can figure out what the heck is going on in it.

Tears came to my eyes as you expressed what I have never been able to put into words. I too forced myself through that abhorish "show" they called VGAs. Every scene was a catastrophe and another dagger into my soul. Truly, they had never played more than a handful of video games, as well as playing only the ones with the most realistic graphics (I didn't see any GCN or GBA or PC games, did you?). Why did video gaming ever have to become popular? When something becomes popular, suddenly 90% of the fans are made up of loose, undedicated morons, and that is who the industry focuses on. Thus, mortally wounding such a wonderful thing. On of the very few, rare times that video games were portrayed on the screen, not only was it almost to the point of mentally scarring, but they took the opportunity to fill it with sexy girls and 15-seconds-of-fame-who-gives-a-shit-has-nothing-to-do-with-video-games pop-stars.

That's already 75% of what's on TV anyway. Sexy and Music Idols. Couldn't they have given just those a couple of hours of fame?! There are millions of hardcore gamers out there. Why couldn't they have picked ONE to run that hell-brought devilry?

Please make more articles such as the above. I love hearing others' disgust of the weak-idiot portion of gaming society.

Glad to see my rants are finally receiving the appreciation they were meant for. I'm glad there are readers like you who make
what I do worth a damn. Thanks for the support, keep reading, stay in school, don't do drugs, wash thoroughly, and keep on
rocking. If you keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em.

I would suggest that you not even mention GameFAQs ever again, as that is home to one of the worst message boards ever created, and even mentioning them would bring dishonor to your site. BTW, nice site you have there. I'll certainly be coming back again...

- Eh.. perhaps mentioning "Life, the Universe, and Everything" would bring dishonor to our newsletter, but I don't think mentioning GameFAQs itself does any harm. GameFAQs is a fantastic source of guides for almost every game out there; many of its message boards are just severely lacking.

I read a lot of gaming magazines and i have to say, from what I have read so far this seems pretty good. I mean you guys (and girls) seem to have put out quite a bit. So I'm probably going to come back and read some more. Well that's it, keep doing what you're doing!

- We sure have put out quite a bit! We've been around for over two years now.. we've put together 26 issues of GameCola (not counting the two "Best of" issues), featuring a grand total of just over 120 reviews. Here's to several hundred more (so long as the server space doesn't become too expensive, anyway)!

I see that look in your eyes. I can hear your heartbeat growing rapidly faster. I can smell your desire. You wanna send something in to GameCola! Have thoughts on the current or a past issue? Have a drawing or photograph you'd like to share with us? How about some poetry? Or anything? Anything at all? We're not very choosey. So go for it, send your stuff in.. what do you have to lose?

e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net

For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.

Our crack review squad^* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:

Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.

Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.

The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.

^{*Paul Franzen
was the only member of the crack review squad involved in
creating the GameCola ratings system.}

Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: December 1990
Developer: Mind's Eye
Publisher: Hi Tech Expressions

I have never beaten this game. I never will beat this game. I have played this game only twice, and I will never play it again. Yet, I believe that I can say, without the faintest inkling of a doubt, that Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure: Chaos at the Carnival is the worst game that I have ever played. Yes... it's even worse than Bubsy.

The game seems like an innocent licensed title when you start it up. Miss Piggy has been "pignapped" by Dr. Grump, an evil carnival owner, and it's up to Kermit and the gang to rescue her. You control various Muppets in various theme park themed levels, with Fozzie Bare wandering through a maze and driving on a race track, Gonzo flying through space, and Kermit paddling down a river. The object in each of these levels is to reach the level's end, where you pick up a key. Once you've obtained a key from each of the four levels, you get to play as Kermit in a side-scrolling romp to the Doctor's lair. All in all, the game sounds a lot like Adventures in the Magic Kingdom; too bad Magic Kingdom, a mediocre game in its own right, is made to look like Super Mario Bros. 3 by Muppet Adventure.

The levels in this game are either too hard or too easy, either too long, or too short. However, there is one common thread holding them together: they all absolutely suck. Fozzie's car level is the slowest racing game in the history of video games; you can't hold the accelerator button down for more that a half-second. If you do, you'll run right into a bomb laid inexplicably on the track, which you could not have possibly seen in time to stop if you had been holding the accelerator down for longer. Since your car is moving so slowly, what should take a matter of minutes lasts seemingly for hours; it's like the game never ends. And, interestingly, this game uses nearly the same physics as Gonzo's space ride, causing you to shoot around the screen like a pinball. A very, very slow pinball -- a pinball who wishes he were playing ANYTHING but Muppet Adventure.

The space ride, also, seems to never end, but not because you're moving so slowly (it's a scrolling screen anyway, so you have no control over how long the level takes); this level is just absurdly long, and you'll die an absurd number of times because there's enemies all over the place and it'd be impossible to shoot them all before they crash into you even if the controls weren't as loose as they are. I watched several enemies draw closer and closer to me as I frantically shot in all directions around them, unable to hit them because the game refused to let me aim my spaceship directly at them.

Fozzie's maze level, like the two above, also never ends. Strange pattern that is. The gameplay here involves Fozzie wandering around in a one screen level trying to obtain bowties and presents, all the while being thwarted by candy canes and mice. It wouldn't be too bad if there weren't about a thousand screens of just that; you'll want to pull the plug around screen four or so.

Out of the four main levels, Kermit's river ride is probably the best. This is, of course, because it is by far the shortest. All you have to do is ride down a river in Kermit's inner tube and not run into stuff for about five minutes. Then you get your key, and, this being the first level you can play, you think that maybe this game isn't so bad. In fact, I'd probably be giving this game a much higher score if the whole thing were just that five minute drift; but unfortunately, the developer had to throw in all those other eternally long levels.

I was able to play the last level (the one time I got to it) for about four minutes before I lost all of my lives. I don't think it's much possible to get much further in it; you'll have tapped out all your lives on the previous levels, and since the controls actually manage to get worse in this final level, you really can't progress at all. I'd never played a sides-scroller before where your character can only face in once direction, so not being able to turn around and attack enemies behind me was a new experience. It was also a terrible, terrible experience. (Though, to the game's credit, the weapon Kermit carries [which looks to be a pair of scissors ] doesn't actually deal any damage to any enemy.) Some may call this innovative; I call it either shoddy coding or the evil scheme of a demented programmer seeking revenge on a gaming public who shunned him.

I don't think I've ever spent so many words describing a game's gameplay; but there aren't enough words in my vocabulary to describe the pain I felt while playing this game. The makers of this game didn't even attempt to hide Muppet Adventure within a coat of pretty graphics. I know I've commented before on how a game looks like it was made in MS Paint.. but this time that statement is completely true. For example, the background of the race track is just a gray rectangle with assorted black dots. It looks like someone's 20 second mock-up to serve as a placeholder until the real visuals are forged, but it's the game's actual graphics. At least Kermit is recognizable, though it took me a few minutes (out of infinity) to figure out that itw as Gonzo manning my spaceship. The sound effects are so amazing that I barely noticed them. The one thing that this game copied from the title that should have been its structural inspiration, Adventures in the Magic Kingdom, was the complete lack of licensed music. Somehow, I doubt that hearing the theme to the Muppet Show would really have made my experience with this title any less painful, but it would have been better than the generic tunes this game sports.

The review of this game marks a first in the history of GameCola (or at least, a first in the history of my GameCola reviews): it's getting a 0 for Replay Value. As I never want to play this game ever again, it has absolutely no value to me following its completion (which, again, will never even occur in the first place). I wish I could at least give it a decent score for its graphics or sound, but that's not happening. Quite frankly, I'm bewildered that this game even exists. It has almost no value; it does nothing for the video game industry; it's completely unlikable. Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure: Chaos at the Carnival is the purest example of an absolutely repulsive game which the publishers hoped would sell on its license alone. Everyone involved in creating this game should be ashamed of themselves for putting out what is one of, if not the, worst products of interactive video entertainment that has ever existed.

Nintendo Entertainment System: Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure - Chaos at the Carnival
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 1.2
1.5	2	1.5	1	0	Overall: 1.2

Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Simulation
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: April 1991
Developer: Maxis
Publisher: Nintendo

You know, I'd be kind of sad if there's somebody reading this who doesn't already know what SimCity is. The title is a classic -- a legend -- in the gaming industry, it's produced more spin-offs than Happy Days, and it practically created the simulation genre. Of course, all of that

success is attributed to SimCity in the PC, not on Super Nintendo. Super Nintendo's SimCity gained nowhere near the popularity of its brother on the computer, but that doesn't mean it doesn't rock in its own regard, right?

As the mayor of a brand new town (mine is invariably called "Paulville"), it is your task in SimCity to take an empty plot of land and build it up to a bustling megalopolis. You start off with only enough funds to build a power plant and a few residential, commercial, or industrial zones; but as people move into your town and start paying your taxes, you gain enough money to create more interesting places, such as stadiums, airports, police stations, and other such buildings. After accomplishing various goals throughout the game (such as having a high enough population to be legally considered a "city", or building a whole lot of fire departments), gifts are bestowed upon you. These gifts include casinos, amusement parks, windmills, and statues of Super Mario, and are a real highlight of the game. Much joy and jubilation occurs when the "you've got a gift!!" ditty plays. The gifts, incidentally, set the game apart from its PC counterpart; the computer version of SimCity features no gifts whatsoever.

While forging the town of your dreams, a little man with green hair and a purple suit pops up occasionally to help you out. This man is called "Mr. Write", and he's the one who gives you gifts, tells you when your city has become a metropolis, and freaks out whenever disasters occur in your town. (Fans of The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening might recognize Mr. Write as the hermit who likes to write letters. If you listen carefully, music from this version of SimCity plays while you're

in his house.) Sometimes these disasters are as minor as a flood that doesn't actually even reach your city, but other times Mr. Write pops up to tell you that Bowser is rampaging through your town all Godzilla-like. These disasters typically occur at random throughout your game time; however, you do have the ability to play God and cause your own earthquakes and tornados and whathaveyou. I found that one of my favorite ways to play this game is to load up one of the premade games (of which there are several) and just cause all hell to break loose. Since video games make us all violent, I'm sure that you'll enjoy that, too.

The controls are a bit wonky for anyone who hasn't played an adventure title on a gaming console, but you get used to them. You use a cursor and click to perform all your actions, whether it be building a seaport, demolishing a park, OR CAUSING DEATH TO RAIN DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS!!. It would have been a lot easier if the game had supported Nintendo's mouse peripheral, but I guess it's understandable that it doesn't, as Mario Paint was still more than a year away from its release. The graphics are a bit drab and boring to look at on the game's onset, and they only get marginally better as you build things to cover the barren landscape. The music, however, is awesome, and I love to hum it at inappropriate moments.

Really, the only thing that SimCity falters on is its visuals; everything else is top notch. You can play the game for years and never really end, as the game itself has no real ending (though, after all your land is taken up with police stations and green splotches of park, there's really not much left to do). So my recommendation to you, anonymous loyal GameCola reader, is to pick up this game if you see it for sale cheap somewhere. Even if you've already played the PC version, you'll still have a good time earning presents and starting fires all throughout your town. And all of you people out there who are addicted to The Sims should especially try to get your hands on SimCity, if for no other reason than to see where your computer gaming champion got its start. So get on that as soon as possible. Mr. Write will be sad if you don't.

Super Nintendo: SimCity
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 6.5
8	8	6.5	4	6	Overall: 6.5

Platform: Nintendo 64
Genre: Racing
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 1996
Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo

There is no better time for this game than the summer. Wave Race 64 takes you through many stages of water action. Choose one of four riders and you're ready to hit the waves.

If you like games that take place on the beach, there's a good chance you will like this one. Riding a jet ski throu

gh the waves is what you do. You must go left around the yellow buoys and right around the red buoys. Other than that, you just race from start to finish. Ramps are set up through the courses so you can flip through the air. Waves will act like ramps in certain areas. Ten foot waves can launch you a long way.

The good thing about the controls is the fact that all of the characters respond differently. Dave Mariner can barely turn but he makes up for it with a high top speed. On the other hand, Michael Jeter can whip 180's in a flash, but he can't keep up with some of the other racers.

The songs are nice and relaxing for a water game. They make the beach experience better. The announcer ruins it, though. "You almost had it" and the other quotes he says become annoying after you hear them for the first time. The announcer has a voice like a nerdy jackass who stands on the sidelines, shouting random comments at you.

The graphics have a poor quality, but it IS one of the earlier Nintendo 64 games. The characters are blocky and the crowd is just painted on the wall. The best graphic in the game is the water. It doesn't look realistic, but it does provide the sense that you are in the tropics.

Wave Race 64 is the first Nintendo 64 game I ever played, so I hold it close to me; but I think others would like it, too. The controls aren't complicated, the music keeps a beat going, and the harder levels provide a challenge. Setting records in the time trials is a fun competition with friends. Wave Race 64 is definitely a great multiplayer game, and it has a lot of replay value.

Nintendo 64: Wave Race 64
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 5.8
7	6	5	4	7	Overall: 5.8

Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre: Fighting
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: April 1998
Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom

The Street Fighter series is a pretty stable series that has a strong following amongst the 2D fighting loyalists. You can almost equate Street Fighter to being

the Madden of fighting games, because the games will always be stable, people will always buy them, and they will never be completely horrible (with the exception of Street Fighter: The Movie). Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter, unfortunately, is one of the sub par titles.

Although this is one of the early vs. titles, MSH vs. SF offers a good list of fighters, nine from the Street Fighter series and eight from Marvel Comics. There are a good variety of character types from both sides. You have your basic all around characters like Ryu and Cyclops, heavy bruisers like Zangief and The Hulk, speed demons like Chun-Li and Spiderman, as well as characters in between.

Besides your basic versus and arcade style modes, you are given two other unique modes of play: Hero Battle and Cross Over. In Hero Battle, you either choose the Street Fighter characters or the Marvel Super

Heroes, and you fight the opposing group until one side has exhausted all of its characters. Cross Over mode plays similarly to a tag-team mode, with the exception that the computer picks your tag partner.

I'd love to say that MSH vs. SF has some of the best control out of the Street Fighter series, but I'd be telling you a horrible, horrible lie. As with most Street Fighter games, there is an awkward pacing when it comes to the movement in MSH vs. SF, but for some reason this title seems to be slightly slower and a little less responsive than it should be.

MSH vs. SF has a really good graphical representation compared to other 2D fighters of the 32-bit era. Besides the bare bones menu screen, everything is nice, bright, and clear. Each character is drawn really well and the animations are clean and smooth. No complaints here.

It's very obvious that Capcom loves to stay very close to the arcade feel with its games when it comes to sound. Everything is loud, boomy, and fast paced, almost as if you are supposed to be on the edge of your seat 24/7. This approach to audio in a fighting game is good, but it's overdone, and is almost a staple in the fighting game industry.

MSH vs. SF is a solid game, but it isn't the best polished of the Street Fighter series, or of any of the Capcom crossover games. I say save your pennies for Street Fighter Alpha 3 or the Capcom vs. SNK series. Let this title be the one that gathers dust in your collection.

Sony PlayStation: Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 7.5
7	6	8	8.5	8	Overall: 7.5

Platform: Nintendo Game Boy Advance
Genre: Board Game
# of Players: 1-4
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: October 2003
Developer: Handheld Games
Publisher: NewKidCo

First of all, allow me to answer a few burning questions on the minds of everyone who has ever heard of this game, or will hear of it in the future.

1. A. Is this game based on the Dr. Seuss story?
B. Does it follow the story closely?

1. A. Yes.
    B. No, not really. Sometimes Sam comes out and there's a little scene where he offers up some green eggs and ham and is refused,
         like in the story, but this game is really a board game where you spin a large wheel and play a game of memory corresponding to
         which space you land on, rather than a Dr. Seuss story. (If you win the memory game, you get to compete in a minigame where you
         run around in a car or rocket or some such and collect green eggs and ham.)

2. Will I... want to play this on a boat? Want to play this with a goat? Want to play this on the shore? Want to play this with a whore?

2. No. You should not play this on a boat, you should not play this with a goat, you should not play this on the shore, you should not play
this with a whore, you should not play this here or there, you should not play this anywhere! ('Cept for maybe a couple minutes with a
bunch of friends if someone actually picked it up for whatever reason and your boredom scale is in the red zone.)

Setting aside the fun factor chat for now, I feel like ranting about the other aspects of the game for the moment. Specifically, the three aspects listed in the center of that helpful little GameCola score chart. Firstly, audio! Now... I don't really know what I was expecting from Dr. Seuss music, since I mostly read the musicless books instead of watching the tapes, but I certainly wasn't expecting what I heard. Honestly, I find most of the music in this game to be just plain irritating. The intro music (which you'll have plenty of time to listen to during the unskippable intro that plays when you turn on the game, telling you all sorts of useless information about the game that is usually reserved for ending credits) sounds something like the "special" cousin of Mario 3's music. Some of the other music feels like someone's mashing my head with a trash can lid when I listen to it, and altogether the music is reeeeeeeeeeally repetitive and annoying (similar to my .hack reviews when I tell you to play the games in order). There is not one BGM I can listen to in the game for long before I have to turn the sound off. The sound effects are not as annoying, but they are nothing special, either, so it's really the best idea to just turn the sound all the way down on your GBA (G-BASP) before playing.

The controls are simple. You, basically, only need to press one button the entire time. Sometimes you have to move the cursor around, but most of the time you

just need to sit with your finger over a single button in order to effectively play this game. The game even has a giant icon of the button appear on the screen when you need to press it. In other words, a one fingered person could instantly master the controls. Only the blind person has a reasonable excuse for not being able to figure out how to play this game.

And last of the trio, but not the last as far as this game is concerned, visuals! They aren't bad, but they aren't good, either. They aren't the worst I've ever seen in my life, but they just do not hold a candle to just about anything else on the GBA. Of course, this is not so much a case of failed graphical work as it is purposeful cartoonery. The graphics match up well enough with the drawings we've seen in Dr. Seuss books, so the fact that they aren't nearly as good as most other games can't, reasonable, be held against them.

And now, onto the fun! Fun fun fu fu fu fun fun fun... This game isn't much of that. I don't want to say that this game isn't fun at all, because it can be enjoyed for a short time if you play it with a friend or two, but the fun really doesn't last. This is not one of those games you'll be coming back to over and over for hours and hours every day. In fact, I can't even guarantee that you'll have any desire to even play it for one hour. As this is the case, the replay value is naturally low. If you wouldn't even want to play it for long one time, why would you want to play it over and over? Of course, since it's a board game instead of an RPG or some such, it automatically is easier to pick up and play a new game whenever you feel like it. For that reason, it has to be given a point or so for replayability.

If you can somehow manage to find this game for around $1.99 or less, or if you are a reeeeeeeeeeally big Green Eggs and Ham fan, i would recommend picking it up. Otherwise, you'd be better off keeping your distance.

Game Boy Advance: Dr. Seus' Green Eggs and Ham
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 4
2.5	1	9.5	5	2	Overall: 4

Platform: Sony PlayStation2
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: M - Mature
US Release: November 2003
Developer: Luxoflux
Publisher: Activision

I am sure that car crime must be skyrocketing in these big American cities. I got this assumption because this game seems to suggest that it is not only criminals that can steal cars, but cops can join in on the action, too. God bless America.

Now I am going to have to ask you to turn off your cliché detector while I tell you the story of True Crime, because otherwise it is going to be going haywire in a couple of minutes. You play as Nick Kang, a badass street cop who doesn't play by the rules but gets the results, but he also has a secret agenda, to find out what happened to his father many years ago. Needless to say I was crying after I heard that. The storyline throughout the game usually revolves around "find gangster, kill gangster, get clue, find next gangster, kill gangster, get next clue" method. The story does heat up by the end of the game, but your brain has been so clued in to the method that you hardly notice it.

The game is split up into different missions which have a theme of either driving, fighting, shooting, or stealth. Every so often you also do another type of mission which involves driving 'round the city and solving random street crimes. These can range from arresting an armed mugger to putting an end to an illegal street race and stopping a shoot-out between rival gangs of hookers... seriously. With the amount of crime that happens, you are surprised that they don't just gas the entire city and start again.

The missions are pretty fun, but they all suffer by being either too easy or too short, and sometimes both. The fighting missions are pretty much the same throughout the entire game, and it does start to get a bit repetitive; although I do have to mention that a lot of the scenery is destroyable, which makes the fights a hell of a lot more fun. With very limited choice of guns, the shooting becomes dull, too, but not quite as much as the fighting parts. The driving is excellent but there is just not enough of it, and the stealth missions are simply pathetic. They are all like a giant tutorial -- the bad guys look in your direction for ten seconds then look away;

they are just asking you to sneak up and break their necks.

I have mixed views about the soundtrack. It contains a lot of rap and hip hop, which may displease a lot of people. The voice acting is okay -- it is not excellent, but it is far from dire, although Nick's endless catchphrases will slowly turn your brain into mush, which does make the game a bit harder.

But this game does have two final tricks up its sleeve: the karma system and the badge system. Whenever you do good things, like capture a criminal without killing them, the game gives you one karma point. On the other hand, whenever you kill an innocent, you lose a point. If you have a bad karma rating then it means that when the story branches off in different directions, you will take the bad route. The badge system is probably the best thing in the whole game. It involves giving you points whenever you succeed in a mission or do a street crime. These points will give you badges, and these badges can be spent in three different places: a dojo, a shooting range, and a driving school. You are then forced to play a minigame, but if you are successful, then you will learn a new skill to help you win the game. This is a great idea and does add a bit of replay value, but it does make the game easier than it is at the beginning.

Overall, True Crime is a fun romp around LA; fans of GTA and Driver might like it. It is a sham really, since this could have been a game that blew GTA and Driver so far out of the water that they were reaching orbit, but the storyline and gameplay just feel rushed and totally wastes the excellent systems that are in place, and that is a true crime.

Sony PlayStation 2: True Crime - Streets of LA
Fun	Audio	Controls	Visuals	Replay Value	Overall: 5.58
6.7	4.8	5.4	7	4	Overall: 5.58

Well it's over, finished, completed, and done. What, you ask? Well, nothing but the first ever GameCola forum posting contest. And with every contest comes its winners. Winners must be congratulated. Thus brings us to why we're here: to congratulate our three winners.

The winner of our one grand prize is... TheBigGameOver, who wins a GameCola Cap.

Our first first prize goes out to... Bottled_Penguin, who wins a Loafy Carl Mini-Poster.

Our second first prize is awarded to... Deadly Pudding, who also wins a Loafy Carl Mini-Poster.

So if the winners would e-mail me to claim their prizes, kleacock@gamecola.net, I'd be glad to get them sent ASAP. Now everyone continue posting; you never know when there will be another contest!

I recently stumbled onto your site on accident and must say, I'm very glad I did. The reviews are intelligent, the writing humorous, and overall quality is excellent. Suffice to say, the part I enjoy the most is the readers' top ten lists. I've got so many games and so many systems that I've never even contemplated putting together a top ten. It just seemed inconceivable. So what did I do? I went back through all my favorites and though about which ones I played the most, which ones I had the most fun with, and which ones I would replay happily today. I spent a fucking WEEK driving my girlfriend insane (she got zero Animal Crossing time, that's why). I played my Saturn, Turbo, SMS, Virtual Boy (yep, start the hilarity!), Dreamcast, Sega CD, and GameCube. And you know what? I had a lot of fun. Although as far as favorite systems go, the Saturn wins it by a mile. So without further ado:

10. Zillion II: Tri-Formation (SMS): What I remember most is your awesome 3-whelled cycle thingy that, once you got the proper icon, could transfer into a

flying body suit that melded around you! It was a side-scroller where you had to memorize the patterns of the enemies or you were toast. What a sweet action game.

9. Military Madness (TG16): This was the first hex-type strategy game I played, and did it ever kick ass. A precursor to all things "Advance" (Advance Wars, FF Tactics Advance, etc.), to me this one was the granddaddy of them all. You were battling for control of the moon, and you had all the usual suspects for weapons: flying crafts, heavy and light tanks, stationary guns, and transports. It was just all so cool. The best thing was when I discovered a code to play against one-another. My friend and I (who also owned and loved his Turbo), when we weren't answering jackass questions like, "Dude, why did you buy that thing? You should've got a Genesis! It has Altered Beast dude!", played this game all night long. A classic.

8. Valora Valley Golf (SS): Probably not a lot of you have heard of this one. It's golf, but different. For instance, you had a standard swing meter, but if you tapped it perfectly at the top, different colored sections would appear and your meter would slowly drop back down. If you tapped it again directly over one of these colored things, you could do a number of things. One would warp your ball directly to a random spot on the green. Besides that, the courses were unique. One was built like a wedding cake, where you would have to hit your ball up several "layers" to get to the green. Or just warp it from the tee. You've never heard swearing like when you watch your buddy -- who's a stroke down from you -- hit that meter just right and warps his fucking ball.

Probably logged more two-player time with this game while blind stinking drunk than any other, including sports games.

7. Lunar: Eternal Blue (SCD): Well, it's Lunar. I loved it, and I still do. It's a pretty standard RPG by today's standards, but back then? Lunar was the shit. And it kicked Grandia's overblown ass. This was Game Arts' shining moment.

6. Beyond Good and Evil (GCN): Beautiful game. Spent a recent ice storm here in Portland land-locked and went through it in three days. Imaginative and artistic, I can't wait to play through it again. I missed two animal snapshots somewhere.

5. Snatcher (SCD): It's all about entering the code KONAMI into the computer and getting the unrated version. I was lucky enough to snag this one brand new when it first came out at EB. Didn't know what I had until I got it home. I just re-played through this thing for probably the 10th time recently, and I still love it. Great story, great game.

4. Metroid Prime (GCN): Okay, I know about 90% of your readers are gonna come down hard on me for this one, but I've never liked the Metroid games. Didn't like Metroid, Metroid II, Super Metroid, or Metroid Fusion. Don't get all pissed, I just didn't. Some people hate Final Fantasy, some hate Halo, I hated Metroid. Until Metroid Prime. This game consumed me like no other. From the awesome start up music to Samus removing her helmet, this game is pure joy.

3. Panzer Dragoon Saga (SS): I was lucky with my Saturn collection. I somehow managed to snag all the good ones before they became collector's items (Burning Rangers, Power Slave, Radiant Silvergun, etc.). This is far and away one of the most bizarre and wonderful RPGs I have ever played. Sniff. I miss you, Team Andromeda. More than any ex-girlfriend I've ever had.

2. Shining the Holy Ark (SS): An RPG with a first-person perspective. Sure, the frame-rate blows and the graphics are dated by today's standards. I don't care. This game was and is my favorite RPG of all time. It just never gets old for me. I love the character design, the dungeons, the towns, collecting all of your little helper creatures (if you haven't played the game, don't ask) that you unleash in battle. If you've got a Saturn, get this game.

1. Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem (GCN): And to think I used to hate Nintendo back in the 80's (I was a Sega lad). I love my 'Cube, and Eternal Darkness is the reason why. In my opinion, Silicon Knights can do no wrong. A game four years in the making, and transitioning over two consoles, this is a masterpiece. Just when you get into the character you're playing, BAM!, you're pulled out of the main girl and put into a Roman soldier hundreds of years ago. And then a slave girl. Then a monk. It just does on and on. Perfect story, moody graphics, adult atmosphere. This game will forever be a classic.

For some reason, we don't seem to get very many of those. I don't understand. Is it really that hard to write about your top ten favorite/least favorite games? I bet it isn't as hard as you're making it out to be. I say go for it; give it a go, kid. If you do it, I'll make it worth your while.. you'll be featured in GameCola! That's right, we're in the business of making dreams come true! Now then, let us do it for you, okay?

e-mail: Top10@gamecola.net

So I strolled into GameStop the other day to browse the selection of Nintendo Entertainment System games. It had been a long time since I had last gone shopping for 'em, as I had felt the need to take a break and save money once I passed the hundred game mark. Halfway across the store, I realized that the games are not in their usual back corner

rack. "No worries", I thought, "It's been months since I've been back in the state, much less this store. Probably just a routine reshelving.". If only that were the case. As each second passed, I searched more and more frantically for those glorious nuggets of plastic. But alas, they were nowhere to be found.

Upon my inquiry, I was informed by the rude and most likely menstruating clerk that GameStop no longer carries NES games. Apparently they don't sell well enough for it to be cost effective enough to keep them there. Had the world skipped a beat in my untimely absence? Had my regular purchasing kept the whole operation afloat? What was to happen to my collection now that a major means of obtaining games was now closed? More and more of these questions swarmed my head as I staggered into the parking lot. It had become painfully clear: My collection was surely doomed.

Perhaps far too hasty a comment, you say? Unlikely. This is no isolated incident. The termination of NES sales at GameStop is yet another brick in the wall that stands between me and an extremely bountiful video game collection. My once favorite event to purchase dirt cheap golden finds, Philly Classic, had now become an expo of the elaborate displays and disappointed expectations. Columbus Farmers Market boasts the same three g

ames each and every week, and when a game is found that is actually wanted, it is usually a shade of brown rather than gray, and undoubtedly caked with dirt. And that, kids, is the big trifector. GameStop, Philly Classic, and Columbus. The three places I buy my games. The third door had finally closed, leaving me with only emptiness.

Maybe instead of flipping out and spewing obscenities, as I'm sure you were all depending on, I should just accept it. Let's face it, you learn to swim or you sink like a stone. Apparently, I'm not meant to keep my heroic NES collection going. In fact, in all honesty, there's a greater 70 games of that which I don't even plan on playing in the near future, or come to think of it, ever again. I broke 100 games. The last I counted, it was 170. That's nothing to frown at, people. At this point, it'd be better to spend that $2.00 on food rather than another "Wrath of the Black Manta".

And that's that. No, I'm not quitting games forever. And no, I'm not quitting GameCola. I'm not gonna kill myself. This is simply a situation that in the past I would've handled quite different, and by quite differently, I mean much worse. And if you don't know me, by much worse I mean like a total asshole. I think it's kinda neat that standing where there was once a guy that couldn't handle change or adversity stands a guy that welcomes and accepts the fact that it might not be the right time to buy "Bad Dudes". My lack of anger may make for worse writing, but I'm happier with myself, so fuck all youse. This has been Neal, and I am awesomer than you.

Render: Well, it sure did take a long time for the smoke to clear from that explosion.

Rivers: Feels like it's been two months since the explosion happened... I wonder what's taking so long.

Jonathan: I took a large stone wall, a strange creature, some generic looking person, this whiney emo kid, and his bitchy girlfriend back to
the ship, and Barin, Najen, Apul, Naelroe, and Dugo are all waiting for you at the beach over there.

Rivers: Oh yeah... you must be talking about Jordan and Liaunde... dunno about the generic guy, though.

    Jonathan: It's probably just another one of those people who decided that they want to be involved in our little story here, but then is too lazy
                      to bother giving themselves any sort of flair or even the slightest bit of personality, so they just sit around and slow the entire story
                      down.

Rivers: Why would someone do that if they weren't going to follow through, though?

Render: In any case, let's not worry about that right now, we have to go meet those five... wait five?! Did you say Apul was there?!

Rivers: How the hell should I know?! You're the one who went out and met her in the first place!

Render: Well, even if she was, I'm sure she's not too happy with us now. You did turn her into a tree, after all.

Render: It doesn't matter now... let's just go. We need to take care of those people and get to a ship, andt hen we can sort out all of these
new "mystery" crewmates we seem to have acquired.

Jonathan: we could use another party member, though. It wouldn't be the best to rush in there four against five.

Render: Ah... you're right. Hey Enrique, aren't you a wizard or something? Can't you summon up another ally or something?

Rivers: Wait... why don't we just warp ourselves to the ship or something, and just leave them here waiting for us?

Render: Well, I suppose we could do that, but we aren't going to level up at all if we just run away from every battle. And then what
happens when we can't run away? Huh? Huh? Huh??

Enrique began a summoning spell, and a cloud of red smoke began to form in front of him.

The group of five walked toward the beach, where they ran into a familiar looking group of individuals.

Apul: And I've been waiting a long time to find out who's been impersonating me... This ends now, Rivers.

Dugo: And I've been waiting a long time to get another damned line in this nonsensical story.

Naelroe: And also, I have been waiting quite a long time to not be a tree anymore... and also to have my name back.

Render: So you are Tryn, then... Well nothing here is making much sense, now is it?

Najen: It's funny you should mention "nothing", because that's exactly what you're about to become!!

Jonathan: I'm going to have to agree with n00b on this one... that was a pretty awful line.

WarioWare, Inc.: Mega MicroGame$ (GBA) vs. WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Party Game$ (GCN)

If you read the above text too quickly, you may now be thinking that I'm comparing the same game to itself. Please. Give me a little more credit than that. I may be having trouble with my spacebar after getting a new computer that doesn't seem to like FrontPage Express all th

at much, but I haven't yet completely lost my mind; these two WarioWares are completely different games.

The main differences between these two games are quite easy to grasp, unless you're the type of person that can't grasp why "gay" doesn't make sense as an insult (i.e., as good ol' J.R. would say, you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer): Mega MicroGame$ is for the Game Boy Advance, and its focus is on single player action; Mega Party Game$ is for the GameCube, and its focus is on multiplayer action. Got that?

Other than those two major differences, these two games are virtually identical. They feature the same exact gameplay, mostly the same graphics, and even the same exact minigames. If you're unfamiliar with WarioWare's gameplay, it's like this: you play several "microgames" that last all of three seconds a piece, and you do this until you mess up too many of the games. The games are pretty bizarre, many times leading you to grab a tiny bird via tweezers, fight ninjas, and pick someone's nose. Additionally, there are many minigames based on older Nintendo properties, such as Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, and Balloon Fight.

In Mega MicroGame$, you play through all these games in a type of story mode t

hat leads to your unlocking of other games (including an almost exact clone of Dr. Mario with Wario as the main man, and that fly-swatting game from Mario Paint). It's also got a few multiplayer games you can play, but they're only fun if you're comfortable getting really close with the person you're playing with, as you both must use the same Game Boy at the same time. Aside from those few multiplayer games, this game is completely geared toward the friendless gamer, and is ideal for someone who's looking for the new Tetris.

Mega Party Game$, on the other hand, is ideal for someone who's looking for the new Mario Party. Instead of a story-based single player mode, you only get a few meager games (like the multiplayer games of Mega MicroGame$), with the majority of the game's focus being on its spectacular multiplayer mode. There's the standard "everyone plays a microgame until everyone but one person screws up" mode, but there's also "one person plays while everyone else controls avatars on the screen in an attempt to obscure the player's vision" mode and "one person plays a game and is instructed to do something comical while playing such as wearing a foolish grin or telling their plans for after the game and after that persons done everyone else rates them based on how well they do what they were instructed to do" mode, among others.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of these two games, I cannot give a decisive winner. As I'm sure I've made clear by this point, Mega MicroGame$ is the better if you wanna play with yourself, and Mega Party Game$ is the best if you wanna play with some friends. If you enjoy both types of gaming, you're just going to have to purchase them both (as I did), or just toss a coin, or pit them against each other in a game of rocks paper scissors SHOOT, or shoot yourself, or something along those lines. Both of these games are winners in MY book.

Winners: WarioWare, Inc.: Mega MicroGame$ (GBA) AND WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Party Game$ (GCN)

Sometimes I forget that before my streamlined, beautiful, and modern GBA was

even a twinkle in an engineer's eye, I possessed an awkward and bulky Game Boy. Gray and enormous, it provided my childhood self with hours of fun. I rifled through my little bag of tricks and found my former favorite game. Paying tribute to the first game I've ever almost beaten, we are now going to discuss Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins.

The idea of this game is to conquer six worlds, each with a couple of levels. These consist of Tree Zone, Turtle Zone, and Mario Zone, amongst others. Each has a very typical Mario-esque world, full of little monsters, blocks to bounce on, mushrooms to add another life, and all of the things we've come to know and love. Levels are entertaining if not difficult; I've found that once a sort of rhythm is established for going about the level, it's quite simple. When one "zone" is completed, a Golden Coin is awarded. I wish I could tell you what happens when all six are collected, but as I am but a casual gamer, that final prize remains just beyond my grasp.

All casual gamers with access to any sort of Game Boy should try to pick this up. It's fun, will kill time, and would probably be very nice to beat.

As a collector, it is normally within your best interest to collect things that will eventually go up in value. It's usually hard to tell when something will be valuable a few years after a game's initial release, but there are always ways to

have that edge when looking towards the future of your collection. You are probably thinking "How the hell am I going to know if a game's gonna be rare?". Simply put, you aren't, but you can always make an educated guess.

First off, you don't ever want to look at blockbuster and sports titles as a long-term investment. They will usually become dirt-cheap and easy to find in a few years. This isn't to say that you shouldn't buy those games for your own personal enjoyment; just don't be expecting them to put a lot of cash in the bank.

The best way to get around this is to look for high-rated games (games that most magazines and online sites rate well) that seem a little odd or weird in concept, style, or gameplay. Games like Culdcept, Mad Maestro!, and Cubivore are great examples of this. Normally, games like this don't sell well, and when they don't sell well it means less copies made and less copies in circulation. This will most likely make the title harder to come by.

If reading up on games isn't enough to sway you on a purchase, you might want to try following the market. Start talking to other collectors and ask them what new games they've been having trouble finding, as well as what they think is going to be hard to find in the future. Also, talking to your local game store clerks and managers about what new games are selling is always a good way to gauge your purchases.

The last things you want to look out for are any special editions, limited editions and special offer games. They are always worth a little more than the original. This doesn't count any releases like Greatest Hits games or Player's Choice games.

Rarities aren't limited to just games. Hardware, mainly console, usually has some rarities to be on the look out for. Look for any special/limited edition packages or special designed systems. The new green XBox is a prime example. Also any system that sells horribly will probably be worth a bit in the future. The N-Gage and N-Gage QD count in this category.

Remember, these methods aren't surefire, but they will usually result in more rarities than normal. On the bright side, you'll have a lot of unique games and hardware in your collection that will set you apart from other collectors. Just make sure you are enjoying what you are doing, have fun with your purchases, and don't throw out your game boxes and packaging (this will ensure a higher value for your purchases in the future). In the meantime, game on, my brothas and sistas.

This Issue's Topic: Intelligent Qube (PSX)

One of the most important things we learn from video games is how to think better. Gamers are put into situations that the average person will never encounter in life. Games give the brain exercise outside of the everyday routine of eat, sleep, and work. This is why the mind of a gamer is usually quicker than a non-gamer. They are used to thinking under pressure, keeping track of multiple items, and devising plans within a time limit. A good example of a game that requires these characteristics is Intelligent Qube.

This PlayStation game is a marathon for the mind. The main character makes his way through eight stages of tumbling blocks that are on a path to crush anything in their way. He must destroy all of the regular blocks, but none of the black blocks. If he gets rid of a black one, he is one step closer to falling into the abyss of nothing. The traps and bombs must be used wisely to ensure victory.

It doesn't take long to learn the rules of the game, but to perfect them is another story. The traps have to be set off in the right order or else something might go wrong. Intelligent Qube must be played with a clear mind. Being tired will only get you crushed.

Experts of this game will be very wise, because it takes thinking to win. They can keep track of many things going on at the same time and think on the spot.

PS2 Keyboard/Controller Mutant Hybrid of the Month:
Logitech PS2 Netplay Controller

Turn on the PS2, load up Serious Sam, get into the game and start playing. Oh my! My online buddy is talking to me! I'd better respond! *fumble* *type* ahh crap dropped my damned controller *shift* ah crap dropped my keyboard aaaaah DAMMIT PAUL STOP KILLING ME WHILE I'M TRYING TO ****ING TYPE!!

This situation = no more. Enter the Logitech PS2 Netplay Controller! Dun dun dun! This controller is a combination of a PS2 controller and a USB keyboard. With this handy little device, you'll be easily able to switch from playing to typing and back again, no matter what online PS2 game you are playing. You'll never have to worry about fumbling with multiple devices ever again!

Now, it's only natural to assume that since it's obviously shaped differently than a normal PS2 controller, it may be hard to use. This is not the case, though. The controller may take a little getting used to, but it doesn't take long for using it to become almost second nature.

If your game supports voice chat, I would recommend going with that over any keyboard, but if not, the Logitech PS2 Netplay Controller is your best bet.

Entire contents © 2004 by Paul Franzen. All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyrights reserved herein, reproductions of GameCola in any manner, whether in whole or in part, without express written permission, is strictly prohibited. All submissions including, but not limited to, artwork, text, photographs, and videos become property of Paul Franzen. All trademarks and copyrights are property of their respective owners. All products and characters are property of their respective trademark and copyright owners. Copyright in all screenshots is owned by their respective companies.

GameCola readily welcomes product information for all video games. Such materials should be addressed to: GameCola, 3 Deer Trail, Tabernacle, NJ, 08088.

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Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers II. Submissions III. Carbonated News IV. Reviews! A. Muppet Adventure: Chaos at the Carnival (NES) B. SimCity (SNES) C. Wave Race 64 (N64) D. Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter (PSX) E. Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs & Ham (GBA) F. True Crime: Streets of LA (PS2) V. Loafy Carl VI. GameCola Forums Contest #1: Winners! VII. Your Top 10 Favorite Video Games VIII. Neal is Awesomer Than You IX. The Gates of Life X. Versus Mode XI. Games for the Casual Gamer XII. Preserving the Plastic XIII. You Learn Something New Every Play XIV. ...of the Month

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