Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers, II. Submissions III.  Carbonated News IV. Reviews!       A. Manic Miner (ZXS)       B. Two Crude Dudes             (SG)       C. Mario Paint (SNES)       D. Golden Sun (GBA)       E. Mega Man X7             (PS2)           F. Broken Sword: The            Sleeping Dragon            (MXB) V.  Loafy Carl VII. GameCola Forums         Contest #1 VIII. Your Top 10 Favorite         Video Games X. Neal is Awesomer Than       You XI. Versus Mode XII. Games for the Casual         Gamer XII. How to be a Gamer XIV. Preserving  the Plastic XV. You Learn                  Something New         Every Play XVI. Advice for the          Sensitive Gamer

Starring:
Also Featuring: Scott Clemmons, lectrode, John Swiderski, Rick Franzen, Phillip Reed, Tim Morea, Akimika, Jenna's Double, "The Game is Half Empty", and "Worried About My Baby"

I. Dear Readers,  

    I received a very unexpected reaction to my Dear Readers column last month (though, mostly via "invaders" from the GameFaqs board "Life, the Universe, and Everything").  Many people seemed to think that my game ideas are "retarded" and "gay" (which should give you an idea of the reactors' age level and intelligence)  For some reason, I feel that I should address these complaints.

    For those calling me a "moron", I'd like to point out the obvious: Despite what you think, I was actually not being serious when I put forth that Nintendo should hire me based on my game ideas.  I feel that my ideas could easily sell well as budged titles (or could even be included as "extras" with other games), especially considering the current trend towards all things "retro", and the recent success of the Super Mario Advance series.  However, I actually am fully aware that working for a major video game developer/publisher requires a little more than some rudimentary Photoshop skills, and quite frankly, it never occurred to me that so many people could believe that I feel Nintendo should hire me.  But I suppose something so obvious could be easily lost on a group of people whose default insult is to compare someone to a homosexual.

    Now, with that out of the way, I'd like to take a paragraph or two to discuss Sony's PlayStation 3 -- specifically, the future system's online component.  Rumor has it, for it's next console generation, the consumer electronics giant will be ditching it's current laissez faire online system in favor of something akin to Xbox Live.  This would mean that no longer would free online games be available for PlayStation, and instead, we would have to pay a monthly fee that would allow us to play the online mode of all Internet-enabled games.  Presumably, this is because Microsoft has been far more successful in regards to online play than has Sony.

    Perhaps Xbox Live is proving me wrong, but I do not feel that the average console gamer is willing to shell out extra cash every month just to have the ability to play games online if he feels like it that month.  I know I'm not.  There would have to be many, many titles available for PS3 with online modes that I really want to play before I would even consider paying any monthly fee, and in looking at Xbox's current crop of online titles, I can't really see that happening.  I've quite enjoyed playing Champions of Norrath: Realms of Everquest with my friends online over the past month or so, and I hope to do the same with Trivial Pursuit: Unhinged and Serious Sam: Next Encounter (notice all the colon usage again.. what a horrible trend) over the next few months.  It's just a shame that I, and many other gamers, may not get to enjoy this in the future because of a combination of Sony's decision and our being cheap.

    All right, I think that's enough for this month.  Please enjoy this latest issue of GameCola, and remember this one piece of advice:  If you're going to insult our newsletter, at least try to have a valid claim or two.  

    Thanks.     

     Love,

P.S. Wanna write for GameCola?  We've got a few open spots if you're interested.

Stop e-mailing me this shit.  thanks.

Scott Clemmons

- Well Scott, that's a pretty interesting request you made.  You must have either asked me to start e-mailing you "this shit",  or joined the mailing list yourself, because I don't add anyone who doesn't request it themselves.  So why did you even join the list in the first place if you didn't want me to e-mail you "this shit"?  And why did you have to harass me about it, instead of unsubscribing yourself (as you most likely subscribed yourself)?  Ah well, there's no real point in asking, as he probably won't be reading "this shit" anymore.

Your ideas suck.  You should not be on the nintendo staff.  Nice website ^.^

lectrode

- I completely agree that I should not be on the Nintendo staff, but it's best not to get into all that again since I've already written half of Dear Readers about it.  Thanks for the compliment.

I was pretty disappointed about FF Crystal Chronicles.  Wish I would of read your review before I bought it.  It's just not the same/as good as others have been.

John Swiderski
President, Mean Hamster Software, Inc.
http://www.meanhamstersoftware.com

- Yeah, it doesn't seem like people are taking to the title all that well.  I personally was hoping for a current generation Secret of Manaesque gaming romp, but according to a lot of people who've played FF:CC, Secret of Mana it ain't.  Oh well... since Sword of Mana didn't do too poorly in the GBA market, maybe Square will FINALLY release Secret of Mana 2 stateside.  One can only hope. 

I still think that this Kevin Leacock character looks like your dorky little brother.  Is he the equivalent to you as you are to me (there's one for your philosophy class)?

Rick Franzen

- Actually, you're not the first to think that Kevin and I look related -- not the first by a long shot.  But, no, unfortunately, Kevin is far cooler than I could ever hope to be.  Sorry!

I've gotta start by saying I am not going to rant just about how I disagree with a certain review, and gripe and moan, etc.  What the hell does that ever do anyways?  How many people's opinions can be changed about a game (which is nearly impossible anyways) by a raving stranger criticizing their work and opinions?  None I hope.  So I hope to go a slightly different route and try constructive criticism.

This is mainly to Aaron Waters.

Yes, I do have problems with your review of Metroid Fusion.  Just hear me out though.  I too, am merely a teenager (barely turned 18), so I think I can see where some of your opinions come from.  I was fortunate enough when I was (very) young to play Super Metroid -- as you most likely were.  It was a very magical game to me because I was young and it was a brand new intense world.  Something I had never quite seen before in my young, influential life.  I'm guessing it's the same with you.

I think you hold the original version in such high regards, that anything else created on a similar basis (2D side-scrolling Metroid) is most likely to be inferior unless they just enhance the features the original game had.  I own and play Metroid Fusion.  I agree, it's definitely inferior.  If you get good enough at it you can beat it completely in just one day's play.  There are some frustrating differences (though minor in my eyes compared to the complete perspective).  But nearly everyone I've talked to who's played it claims it was worth its play.  Hardcore and n00bs alike.

I'm not saying you should change your opinion of the game, but I get pretty upset when you write a review so horrible, focusing and magnifying the bad spots, that you deter people from trying the game.  I have to break it to you.  The game was good (not extraordinary).  Most people think it was well worth the time and money.  This is one time that I think it is a reporter's (or reviewer's) job to see and realize the game's popularity among all groups of gamers, and encourage people to try the game out (even if you, personally, disagree).  You may consider the game a failure and a disgrace.  Please let other people make their own choice by NOT scaring them so much with your review that they never wish to touch it.  You've got to be a little more neutral if you wish to write reviews for professionals.

And now, to everyone else on the site.

It's nice to see other teenagers so sentimental and driven by these classic games.  As you said in your Wind Waker review, too many games are VERY narrow-minded.  Seeing games as only good if they have realistic graphics, with real people, and they're most likely making blood spurt out.  I cry in relief every time I see the phrase "Nintendo will not have Mario shooting hookers".  In a way, video games are making kids stupid.  They're learning to "judge books by their covers".  The thing that really matters in any game is the gameplay, and therefore, the amount of fun it brings you.  Maybe someday people will force them to play some of those good ole games.  Let's have a moment of silence for Prince of Persia: SoT, and BG&E.  Killed tragically by moronic and narrow-minded consumers.

Your Good Game Protector Brother in Arms,
Phillip Reed

P.S. You might not want to put EVERYTHING on one page.  It takes forever to load up and I lose half of the graphics in the transfer anyway.

- I'm not really sure how to address the beginning of your letter, as Aaron Waters quit the GameCola staff last month.  Normally I'd have him respond to your letter, but I don't really see that happening now.  I don't think that reviewers should refrain from saying how they feel about a game because many other people disagree (as your letter seems to imply), but maybe he should have laid off the negativity a bit.  I feel that it is our role to play a game and tell you about our experience with it, whether we had a good time or not, whether it was worth the money we paid or not, whether we would encourage other people to play it or not.  If a game is so bad that the reviewer really feels it a waste of money to buy it, then I feel he should say so.  A reviewer shouldn't try to focus on the positive aspects if the negative aspects far outweigh them; a review should focus on what stands out the most and what's most important in regards to the game being fun.  But that's just how I see it.

Everything in the newsletter is on one page for a reason -- it's a newsletter.  The actual website portions are divided up like a good little website should be, and the newsletter is all in one chunk like a good little Internet newsletter should be.  I'd much rather be able to just read everything in its entirety by scrolling down and reading one article after the other, than have to keep clicking and clicking and clicking just to read the newsletter in a linear fashion.  That's how it's meant to be read, after all -- one article after the other.  And I've yet to experience any trouble with loading times or graphical loss, so I'm not really sure what you're talking about there.  I've asked other people about it and they've said the newsletter takes only a few seconds to load on their computers.. soo... *shrug*.

Neat latest magazine!  Did you guys ever review Simpson's Hit and Run?  I wondered what the reviewer gave it.  I've had fun with it.

- John Swiderski

- Nah, we've never reviewed the game per se, but Kevin Leacock featured it in Versus Mode a few months ago.  He pitted it against Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, in the November 2003 issue of GC, and The Simpsons: Hit and Run turned out to be the better game.  He later when on to write about The Simpsons: Road Rage in the next issue, but that game ended up losing to Crazy Taxi.  And that's all I've got for you, sorry.

Instant Messenger Quotes:

Vulcan Wieland:  just tell your gamers that you couldn't help them defeat the evil ice dragon because you were getting stoned. they'll understand.

- Matt Gardner

Artwork: 

- Tim Morea

- Paul Franzen

- Akimika

• Several new Nintendo games have been confirmed to be released later in this year.  This list includes Paper Mario 2, Metroid Prime 2, Mario Party 6, Star Fox 2, F-Zero 2, and Donkey Kong Country 2.  (The last one on that list is a GBA port of the original SNES classic, not a new game with the same name).  While some of those seem like obvious sequels to be made (Metroid Prime 2), others leave one with a sense of confusion.  Wouldn't Star Fox 64 or Star Fox Adventures be Star Fox 2?  Couldn't F-Zero GX have been considered F-Zero 2?  I suppose next we might have Super Mario Kart 2 or Bomberman 2 or something else that sounds as confusing.  Oh well, at least now they're trying to number their games. 
  
  

• In addition to the above announcement, Nintendo has leaked to the public a list of games to be released as the second wave in their Classic NES Series (the first wave has yet to reach eastern shores).  Titles included in round two of the budget-titled NES ports for GBA are Balloon Fight, Dr. Mario, Adventure Island, Ghosts 'n' Goblins, and Clu Clu Land.  The first set of titles is set to be released in the United States during June of this year, with the second set presumably to follow a few months after.
  
  

• The sequel to Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hand (selected by GameCola as the Most Innovative Video Game of 2003) is rumored to be released in the United States in the fall of this year, following the game's Japanese release in July.   This GBA sequel will retain the original title's main character (Django) and it's unique solar-powered gameplay, among other things.  Now if only a better game can be built around the title's innovative gimmick, Konami may have a hit on their hands.
  
  

• And that's not all for sequels announced this month!  Capcom has made it known that they are currently at work on Viewtiful Joe 2, sequel to the well rated yet hardly purchased GameCube title of 2003.  Capcom should be able to sell more copies of the sequel than they did of the original, though, because unlike Viewtiful Joe, Viewtiful Joe 2 will be released on both GameCube and PlayStation 2.  Keep your eyes peeled for this side-scroller during the winter of this year.
  
  

• According to television show Celebrity Justice, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are in the process of suing Acclaim, because the publisher "has blatantly abandoned the 
  mary-kateandashley brand and has taken the mary-kateandashley brand in video games which had 
  flourished and has now run it into the ground".  So apparently, not only is "mary-kateandashley" one word, but it is a brand of video games that has actually done well.  Could've fooled me.  The Olsens, of course, are not the only "celebrities" to have sued Acclaim in recent times, as Dave Mira was battling the publisher not too long ago over the use of his name in BMX games.  One can only hope that this lawsuit drags on and on and on so that no one has to be subject to this "flourishing" brand again for a while.
  
  

• Oooh, yay, a video game announcement that isn't a sequel.  'Bout time we have one of those.  Earlier this month, Electronic Arts announced that they are working on a new Lord of the Rings title called Lord of the Rings: The Third Age, which will be released on all current consoles.  The title is said to be a role-playing game (which brings to mind nightmarish thoughts of Super Nintendo's The Lord of the Rings title), and will have people questing all over Middle Earth.  Sounds interesting enough. 
  
  

• I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but Midway's remake of NARC has been pushed back to 2005.  The original NARC (which received a score of 2.9 in our February 2003 issue) was all about using violence to thwart drug users.  This new title is slightly different, as not only do you use violence to thwart drug users, but once successful in your thwarting, you are given the opportunity to use the drugs yourself, adding some trippy effects to your gameplay (which often aid your thwarting rather than hindering).  Gee.  I wonder if there's going to be a public outcry about this title.

- Paul Franzen

    For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.

    Our crack review squad^* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:

• Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced in playing a video game,

• Audio - the music and sound effects of a video game,

• Controls - the physical means by which a video game is played,

• Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a video game, and 

• Replay Value - a video games' worth in playing after completion.

Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.

    Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry).  The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.

     The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed.  For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound.  In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher.  One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.

    Got it?  Now you can go ahead and read what we have to say this month.

^{*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.}

^{Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.}

- Brian Vanek

- Aaron Waters

- Paul Franzen

- Neal Iannone

GameCola Cap: $11
Loafy Carl Poster: $5
Getting some of this stuff for free for doing nothing but sitting on your lazy ass typing all day: 
Priceless.

    So head on over to our forums, where you can win stuff just by posting.  We're offering you a chance to win a free GameCola hat, or one of two Loafy Carl mini-posters, just for posting!  Three random posts will be picked to win one of our fabulous prizes!  Each post you make will be entered into the contest automatically, and three of those posts will be ganked to be winners!

    As it stands, any non-staff user right now could possibly win, if all said user would do is post on our forums.  It'd be a shame to let a chance like this go, the chance to win GC stuff without having to sculpt Mega Man art or write some killer kaptions (even though none of you did).  All you have to do is type something that has to do with something else and post it.  That's all.  Nothing else.  Except register an account.  Is it really that hard?

    Now, post, or else... Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam... 

- Kevin Leacock

10. Sonic 3 & Sonic and Knuckles (SG): Massive levels and ingenious touches make this a necessity.

9. Metal Slug x (PSX): Carnage on a universal scale.  It wants your money and won't give it back.  Absolutely seminal.

8. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island (SNES): A tour-de-force of platforming.  Amazing levels and hilarious dialogue and bosses push this up way past its predecessor.  Play it now.

7. Rocket Knight Adventures (SG): This game is so good, you really just ought to play it.  The imagination doesn't let up until the final boss is destroyed.  Oh wait, it's still going... OK, credits rolled.  That's it.  I've unlocked WHAT?

6. Wario Ware, Inc.: Mega MicroGame$ (GBA):  This game is like playing a sugar-rush.  300+ microgames rammed into your eyeballs while your brain attempts to keep up.  Lovely. 

5. Gitaroo Man (PS2): By far the hardest game in the world.  This is a rhythm action game that actually feels like you're playing something.  The feeling of relief when you finally pass a difficult level (Mojo King Bee, anyone?) quickly transcends to elation

4. Castle of Illusions Starring Mickey Mouse (SMS): There's little I can say about this game except.. it's the only game I have played consistently since I first acquired it at the age of four.  I know the levels inside out, yet I still love it.  It's probably just me but I couldn't have a list without it.

3. R-Type (PSX): Absolutely brilliant.  Timeless shooting with what has to be the universe's most instinctive control system.  And I STILL can't beat level three, dammit!

2. Dynamite Headdy (SG): Mental.  That's the only way to describe this game.  Oh, and fantastic.  Mental and fantastic.  One minute you're fighting a giant artist's mannequin, the next you're hiding from screen-sized rockets while shrunk to the size of an ant.  Genius.

1. Astro Boy (GBA): OK, so this one isn't available anywhere other than Japan as of writing this.  But I strongly suggest you "import it" (onto your emulator) because it's the best game I've ever played.  Platforming perfection. 

X.

     
    Okay, it's been just about a month now, but I'll have no trouble recanting this tale of awesomeness, as it is quite ingrained into my memory.  April 3rd, 2004.  Minibosses in New York City.  Who could forget such a glorious site?  Surely not I.  As soon as I heard the news I called all my first rate chums to attend, and by that Saturday, we were all in my tiny room, awaiting the kickassedness that was sure to follow.  After a minor subway uptown/downtown delay, we were well in the depths of Brooklyn, and before we knew it we were knee-deep in proverbial rock.  I tell you, the only other time I rocked out that hard to a live performance was when I saw the Minibosses at MAGfest 2.0 in November.  Long story short, they hit all the right notes, and I commended them with a raised lighter during Mega Man 2 and a hearty handshake upon exiting the venue.  We then retired back to my room where we celebrated a rock well done, but I won't get into that at this juncture.

    Fast-forward two days later to Monday, April 5th.  I had no trouble getting into the Saturday show, and since I was a mere walk away, it would have been downright foolish to pass up the very good chance of seeing the Minibosses again.  This time accompanied with only one Mr. James Bochanski, we ventured off on that cold April evening sans jackets, as they would be quite troublesome during the rocking out that was sure to follow.  Well, maybe not as sure as I first thought...

    As we rolled up onto the scene, we were greeted with a figure that can only be described as Lucifer himself.  I mean, he had the pointy beard and everything.  I'm sorry I don't have a picture of that ponce, but I'm sure you would agree with me if you saw it, so just trust me on this.  Oh, and by the way, as if you couldn't figure this out yourself, Lucifer is probably the last person you'd want working the door and deciding who gets in to see the show.  Anyway, as you may have guessed, he said we couldn't get in, but I didn't fret.  I knew that once the Minibosses learned of my predicament, they would do their best to get me inside.  Sure enough, Aaron works his magic and we were on our way in!  Well, not just then.  For you see, I, unfortunately, have not been alive for 21 years.  I had only been alive for 19 years and eight months by that point, and apparently that's far too young to be around bottles of alcohol.  Even after suggesting they put a big sign across my forehead that says "DON'T SERVE THIS BOY ALCOHOL", Lucifer sill wouldn't budge.

    Fast-forward a few more hours, and keep in mind that it is getting colder now that the sun is down and Jim and I are no longer in motion, and you'll get an accurate mental picture of our shivering state as we waited outside to play the pity game with Satan.  Little did we realize that we were ultimately wasting our time, even though while out there we received some very helpful pneumonia advice from a passerby.  Some people even tried to console us in our pre-death state, and even though it was much appreciated, it still wouldn't cut it.  The only thing that kept me going was the possibility of getting into that show.  It was about the time they were to go on, and I decided I had nothing to lose, so I decided to plead with Satan.  It didn't work.  It's Satan, come on.

    Just about then Ben came out and tried to help me get in, but to no avail.  Our last hope was a good one, as he entered to plead with the management, and in doing so he lent me his hoodie as I waited outside, which was well appreciated.  But it didn't last long, as he was out within seconds telling me she wouldn't budge and that there was no chance I could get in.  I was very disappointed, but that mere discomfort was greatly overshadowed by the Minibosses' generosity and effort to get me into the show.  Jim and I received consolation prizes for not getting in, which were these nifty fake moustaches in honor of the "Moustache Over America Tour", of which they were playing that night.  And I mean, come on, Ben gave me the shirt off his back.  I'd say that's devotion to your fans.  All-in-all, it was either the shittiest good story ever, or the best crappy night of my life.  I didn't mind not seeing them that night because I was able to attend on Saturday, so there are no hard feelings there.  I'll just be sure to be born later next time, that's all.  Until the next one, listen to the Minibosses and buy their stuff.  Oh, and also, this has been Neal, and I am awesomer than you. 

    - Neal Iannone

    Anyone who watches the Game Show Network (now known only by the initials GSN... who's bright idea was that?) as much as I do will have seen countless episodes of most of the shows these games are based on.  I'm sure there must be some among you who, like me, spend days at a time on the couch watching nothing but Richard Dawson and Charles Nelson Riley yucking it up on the Match Game.  I'm also sure that there are some out there who say that all games based on game shows a crappy.  To those people, I say: "Oh YEAH??  Well your FACE is crappy!!!".  There are many titles based on game shows in my massive collection, and rather than do a Jeopardy! vs. Family Feud feature (as was my original intention), I thought I'd take a page out of Kevin Leacock's playbook and just pit them all against one another to see which is the best.  So here we go!

Jeopardy! (NES): I already covered this game in a recent review, and I'm SURE all of you have read it, so there's not much of a point in writing about it again.  I'd just quote from my review and call it a day on this game, but that's cheating.  Of all the games I'm covering today, this one almost has the worst graphics, but it excels in every other category imaginable.  Except sound.  It's the only one of these games that I play regularly, and have played regularly for the past decade.

Jeopardy! 25th Anniversary Edition (NES): It's actually (much to the surprise of everyone!!) pretty much the same as Jeopardy!, except with different character models and questions.  Yet, for some reason, I've yet to get into it as I have with Jeopardy!.  Perhaps the game employs a new shade of blue that is unfamiliar and shocking to me, I'm not sure.  Ah well, it's still spiffy -- just not spiffy enough.

Jeopardy! Junior (NES): This is the Jeopardy! that has come close to dethroning the original as the game I most make my friends play against their will.  This, like 25th Anniversary, is Jeopardy! with new character models and questions.. except this time the characters are little kids, and the questions are a whole lot easier.  A good self esteem booster this game is.  Anyone who can't answer 95% of its questions probably isn't old enough to even know what an original Nintendo is.

Talking Super Jeopardy! (NES): We go from a great adaptation of the original to one that's horrible.  It seems as though everything was stripped away from this title in order to make room for a screeching synthesized voice that says "Let's play Jeopardy" and "The categories are".  If it says anything else, I didn't notice because I was too busy searching for the mute button on my remote.  If you're going to play one Jeopardy! and base your judgment of all Jeopardies! one Jeopardy!, don't make it this Jeopardy!.

Wheel of Fortune: Family Edition (NES): When you get tired of playing Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune: Family Edition makes for a refreshing break.  It's everything you'd expect from a game based on WoF -- word puzzles, wheel spinning, bankruptcy, the works.  I'm surprised there aren't as many of these as there are of Jeopardy!.

Win, Lose, or Draw (NES): This one's a bit interesting, if for no other reason than a lot of people might not even know what it is.  Basically, the computer draws stuff, and you have to guess what it's drawing.  It's terribly easy, and the computer doesn't seem to have many drawings programmed into itself, so you'll beat it in no time.  It's like a crappy version of InkLink or iSketch.

MTV Remote Control (NES): Long-time readers of GameCola will remember my reviewing this in the very second issue of our newsletter.  My review sucked, and so does this game.  I can't even be like "well at least fans of the game show itself might appreciate it", because I don't know if such people exist.  The show's been off the air for years, and I don't even know if anyone watched it when it was.  Avoid unless you like trying to pick a category without knowing what the category is, and then getting killed by lightning at random.

Family Feud (SNES): This game is way too hard for one person to play by himself.  Have you ever seen Family Feud?  They have five people trying to guess at the most given responses to a statement (such as "Name a game show video game whose license far surpasses it"), and usually they have to guess seven or eight responses without making three mistakes.  Trust me, it's a lot harder than it sounds, and it translates poorly into a video game. 

Jeopardy! (PS2): You didn't think we'd left this one for good, did you?  Aside from some annoying nits to pick (like how there's a huge pause between the showing of the name of a category, and Alex Trebek's reading of that name), this game is a successful adaptation of Jeopardy!.  Plus, unlike the original, where if you want to play a three player game, two people have to share a controller, each player can actually have his own controller.  Plus there's some tournaments and champions modes in there, but I haven't played them yet because I haven't won enough in regular mode.

And now, I give you the winners of various categories, as per tradition in these super Versus Modes:

Best Graphics: Hands down, Jeopardy! on PlayStation 2.  It'd be insane to pick anything else.

Best Audio: I'd give the nod to the winner of "Best Graphics", but that category reading thing really bothers me.  So I'm gonna go with Family Feud for digitizing the game shows nifty theme song.

Easiest: No doubt, this one goes to Win, Lose, or Draw, because with all the other games, I actually have to try a little bit.

Most Impressive Ruination of a Good Game: This one goes to Talking Super Jeopardy, for it's inclusion of the talking.

Most Innovative Control Scheme: Well, since I made up this category just to give it to the original Jeopardy! for it's having two people share one controller, I guess I'd best give it to that.

Most Annoying Host: That guy from MTV Remote Control.  I can't stand him and his horrible jokes.  Good thing I don't have Hollywood Squares, so there's not much competition for him.

Most Fun: Contrary to intuition, the original Jeopardy! is still the most fun out of all these, though Jeopardy! Junior is not far behind.

Best Use of the Letter "e": Without a doubt, Wheel of Fortune: Family Edition earns this prestigious title. The letter "e" 0wnz j00.

Best Use of a Drawing Tool This Side of Magic Pengel: Win, Lose, or Draw.  I think this one speaks for itself.

Best Use of an Exclamation Point: I'd say this one goes to all the Jeopardies!.  Except Talking Super Jeopardy!, because it doesn't deserve the exclamation.

Game Most Likely to Still be at My Ex-Girlfriend's House Even Though I've Asked for it Back Multiple Times: I wonder what happened to it.  Jeopardy! Junior.

And finally...

Best Overall Game:

Jeopardy! (NES)

Come on, you read my review.  You should have seen that one coming.

    Cell phone gaming has been popular since Nokia's Snake hit the market. Suddenly, phones weren't just for talking!  I've been a huge Snake fan since my first cell phone for years ago, but the options now available for mobile gaming are almost endless.

    My first target was called Snowball Fight and cost $4, to be billed directly to my account.  When the game finally loaded onto my phone, I found it boring.  Real-life snowball fights are exciting and arouse all of the senses... painfully cold fingertips, tingling battle wounds, etcetera.  Cell-phone snowball fights are boring.  I was supposed to aim at a kid who was crouching behind a snow trench... blah blah blah, you don't care, trust me.  It was horrendous.  Aiming was difficult, as was the sequence of motions necessary to pack a snowball and throw it.

- Julie Kozarsky

Well, now you've made your first step towards becoming a gamer.

But now you need to know how to choose a game.

It's a brutal, unforgiving world out there.  The stores, developers, and publishers are all against you in your quest to pick up a great game.  But with this, the next part of "How to be a Gamer", you will acquire the knowledge needed to thwart them!  Prepare yourself for...

PART TWO: BEATING THE SYSTEM

    "GRIND RAILS, FLY, RACE AND POWER YOUR WAY THROUGH MIND FLIPPING STAGES!", screams the box.  A novice gamer might openly squeal, "WOW!  I must OWN this game!" and promptly hand over their cash to the grinning shopkeepers.  However, a knowledgeable gamer (such as yourself... potentially) will scoff at this deceptive claim.  Having played the demo version, you already know that the only reason that the stages are mind-flipping is because they are so poorly designed.  "GO HEAD-TO-HEAD IN AWESOME MULTIPLAYER BATTLES!",  the casing shrieks at you.  You know, from reading reviews and comments from other gamers on GameFAQs, that this means "Awesome-ly bad".  You shelve the copy of Sonic Heroes and buy Viewtiful Joe instead.  Again, you draw on the knowledge you acquired from this article that the game is a whimsical celebration of all that is fun and the best game of the year.  You have many weeks of joy with your new game, safe in the knowledge that you have not wasted your money.  

    Make no mistake about it: The publishers hate gamers like you.  They're out to make money, and sometimes the only way to do that is to develop a substandard game and market it as the next Vice City.  Causal gamers will buy it if it's well sold.

    That is why you need to learn the warning signs.

    Firstly, if you see a game advertised with no in-game footage or screenshots, it's usually very, very bad.  (Examples: Harry Potter, any Army Men game)

    Secondly, if you see a game in the shops that hasn't yet been reviewed by anyone, it's usually very, very bad.  (Examples: Mega Man X7, any Army men game)

    Finally, if a game is based on a movie, it's usually very, very bad.  (Examples: Terminator: Dawn of Fate, Charlie's Angels)

    The best way to know whether a game will be any good or not is to get hold of demo discs.  These are given away monthly with the Official PlayStation 2 magazine.  This way you can find out for yourself which games you enjoy playing.  Do NOT, however, trust the reviews in this magazine.  Since they are official, they cannot give damning verdicts on Sony games that deserve them.

    Another way to get trustworthy information is the Internet, specifically GameFAQs.  The users there are people, just like you and I (Except LUE, but let's not dwell on them), and the opinions they express tend to be accurate.

    These tips should ensure that you do not waste money on a bad game.  Good luck, and I'll see you next month.

    Ooh, almost forgot: Don't buy games by EA.  They are patronising and heartless. 

- Stuart Gipp

- Allec Johnson

    - Brian Vanek

Dear Jenna,

    My son plays entirely too many video games, and I fear that they might be getting in the way of his school work.  Instead of studying for an upcoming test that he may have (even if he doesn't, he should still be studying), he's wasting time with his Nintendo, or "saving the world", as he calls it.  At the moment, he is an honor student, but I am afraid that his classes are going to get harder and that he will be far too busy with his games to put enough effort into them.  How can I talk some sense into my son?

Sincerely,
Worried About My Baby

Dear Worried,

    As a double, I know the importance of saving the world.  In the world where I come from, playing video games has indeed saved the world countless times.  In any case, playing video games is far more important than studying for tests.  And if your son is like most of the honors students I know, he'll breeze through the tests without studying anyway.  Oh yeah, could you send your son over to my world?  He sounds like a great champion and we desperately need another once, since the last champion failed to graduate from high school.

Love, Jenna's Double