Volume 3, Issue 2 - February 2004 Quenching Your Thirst For Video Entertainment © Now serving one-hundred and thirty-three subscribers!

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Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers, II. Submissions III.  Carbonated News IV. Reviews!       A. Frostbite (A26)       B. Ice Hockey (NES)       C. Shaq-Fu (SNES)       D. Front Mission 3 (PSX)       E. Ratchet and Clank: Going             Commando (PS2)       F. Sword of Mana (GBA) V.  Loafy Carl VI. Killer Kaption Kontest VII. Züper-Favorite: Your       Top 10 Games VIII. Christmas: UNLEASHED IX. Neal is Awesomer Than You X. The Gates of Life XI. Versus Mode XII. Games for the Casual Gamer XIII. Preserving the Plastic XIV. You Learn Something New          Every Play XV. Advice for the Sensitive            Gamer XVI.  ... of the Month

 

Starring:
Also Featuring: John Swiderski, Angry Mom, Christina Dickson, and "Stuck"

I. Dear Readers,

    You know what I'm grateful for?  That I can finally write one of these introductory articles without sounding like a total toolbox.  The last several "Dear Readers"s have been all about getting more people to write for GameCola, or how awesome the newest issue is.. finally, now, I can talk without having to shill something.

    (By the way, go check out the forums.  They're totally rad!!)

    Now that I actually own Kingdom Hearts, I'm starting to doubt whether it is worthy of the prestigious title of GameCola's "Game of the Year" for 2002.  Sure, the story is great (if you're a Disney fan, anyway), and the gameplay is reminiscent of Secret of Mana (including, unfortunately, the intelligence of your AI teammates), but the camera has darn near made me stop playing on more than one occasion.  The stupid thing keeps moving when I don't want it to move, not moving when I actually do want it to move, focusing on things I have no interest in, and, most aggravating of all, going completely out of control during boss battles, causing me to lose them many-a-time.  I'd have no problem with the game if I were losing such battles due to the bosses being hard, but it's ridiculous that I lose them because the camera's all over the place and I can't pinpoint where I am in relation to the boss.  Despite the terrible camera, though Kingdom Hearts is a great game.  Still no Secret of Mana, but still a great game.

    Anyway, that's about all I've got to talk about this month.  GameCola's got three new staff members this month, so be sure to read their stuff and let them know if they suck or not.  And on that note, enjoy the issue, and I'll see you here again next month!     

     Love,

P.S.  I've noticed that GameCola has had a fairly large influx of new visitor's to the site recently; please, if you're one of these people, and you like what you've been reading, click on that little button on the nav bar that says "Join Now!".  It's just a little mailing list that sends an e-mail out whenever a new issue of GameCola is released.  There's no catch, no spam, I'm not gonna tell you how to enlarge your penis.. just a once-a-month update for your benefit.  It makes myself and the staff feel super special whenever we have another subscriber join, so please take a minute out of your day to do that.  Thanks!

- John Swiderski

- Here's Matt (reviewer who covered Super Adventure Island last month) to respond!:

It is just another example of developers thinking that they can improve upon an old game by adding some "spice" to it... unfortunately, in instances like this, they add too     much and ruin the original recipe.  It's a sad state of affairs :(.

Dear Gamecola Staff,

    I am the mother of two young gamers.  I was appalled to see my children staring at a picture of a poorly drawn stick figure getting anally raped.  Pictures like that are offensive and obscene to a younger audience.  Maybe Gamecola should take a look at this stuff before just throwing it up onto their site.

- Angry Mom

P.S. Super Adventure Island is spiffy!

- Contrary to popular belief, we do actually look at the stuff we're sent before placing it in an upcoming issue.  Entire reviews and articles have been omitted from our fair webazine in the past for not living up to the GameCola standard, and all written work is severely combed through for grammar and spelling errors before being uploaded to the server.  (Though, of course, you helpful readers are quick to point out the few typos that we happen to miss.  Thanks for being so glass-is-half-empty, jerks.)  That being said, we're not very picky when it comes to putting reader submissions in GameCola, and that's why you guys end up seeing images such as Terrence Atkins' portrayal of Link and Gannon in the previous issue.  While some may be offended by "obscene" pictures such as that, I don't really have a problem with it, and I don't see what all the fuss is about.  I personally get way more offended by seeing GameCola capitalized as "Gamecola" than by artistic portrayals of video game sodomy. 

    So if you're looking for a newsletter that's 100% kid friendly, GameCola is probably not for you.  We don't go out of our way to be raunchy, but we also don't go out of our way to avoid it.  As soon as I am given a valid reason for why "curse" words and "obscene" pictures (like the video game sodomy one -- not actual pornography) really are something to get one's knickers in a twist about, I'll consider taking action against them.  But until something like that happens, you can consider GameCola censorship-free.  Unless you consider my refusal to publish reviews that aren't up to par to be censorship.

Artwork: 

- Christina Dickson

Animations:

Click the image below to view a short animated story by Neal Iannone.

- Neal Iannone

• The "Walkman of the next century", aka the "PlayStation Portable", is reported to have a release date for November of this year.  According to the official PlayStation website, the PSP is confirmed to have MP3 playback capabilities, and could possibly have a GPS system and some sort of messaging service.  It looks like we may soon, finally, have some competition for the N-Gage!
  
  

• Man, did anyone else play that totally awesome Microprose game called Pirates!?  (Note that the exclamation point is actually part of the game's title.. I am excited about this game, but not that excited.)  Well if you did, you may have picked up on that small detail of Pirates! being the only good pirate title ever created in the history of video games.  Luckily for us, Firaxis Games is currently working on an update for this title, and it should be available later this year!  Will it go the way of Escape from Monkey Island, or will it be more of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?  You be the judge!
  
  

• Is the center of this news column really the best place for the biggest news of the month?  I'm not sure, but here I shall place it anyway.  The Virtual Boy is returning!  Well, okay, not the actual Virtual Boy, but a new system that could easily take the same path as that failed system if Nintendo screws this one up.  Code named the "Nintendo DS", the newest hardware creation by the creators of Mario seems to be a lot like your typical Game Boy Advance, with one exception: it has two screens.  Nintendo hasn't made many comments about how these two screens will be utilized for upcoming games.. hopefully they have some idea where they're going with this.   At the moment, the Nintendo DS is scheduled for release in late 2004.. hopefully they won't change that.
  
  

• Fans of the Minibosses might wanna pick up the latest issue of Wired Magazine -- your favorite Nintendo cover band and mine has sort of hit the main stream!  Some might consider this to be a bad thing (elitist punk assholes, I'm looking at you!), but the 'bosses themselves seem pretty pleased about it.  Everything's honkey dorey just so long as we don't see them being interviewed by Carson Daly any time soon.  In other Miniboss news, the band has recently released a new EP.  Check it out at their website!
  
  

• Want the casing of an old video game system?  Feel like taking pictures of your teeth?  Well you've come to the right place, bucko!  Imagine Systems Corporations has apparently used a mold of an Atari Jaguar to produce their new line of dental cameras, called the "Hot Rod".  Don't believe me?  See it for yourself!  Now tell me you don't think that's legit.
  
  

• If you have any money left after purchasing your Atari dental camera, you might wanna check out what Bungie Studios has under development.  Casual fans who think they're gamers because they play a whole lotta Madden, this one's for you!  For a mere $3,500, you can pick up a replica Master Chief suit for this year's Halloween.  Or you could wear it to instill fear at your next Halo tournament!  Or you could use it to impress all your brothers at the next frat party!  The choices are, as they say, endless. 
  
  

• Feel like slashing a big plastic sword at your television but you're too afraid of foreigners to import Kenshin Dragon Quest?  Fear not loyal gamers, I've got the solution to your ailment: The Soul Controller.  Licensed by Capcom for the Onimusha series, the Soul Controller is a peripheral that works like the fishing pole or baseball bat controllers.. except that it's a freakin' sword.  How cool is that?  Too bad it'll cost something like $160-$190.  It'd actually be cheaper to import the Dragon Quest one. 

- Paul Franzen

    For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.

    Our crack review squad^* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:

• Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced in playing a video game,

• Audio - the music and sound effects of a video game,

• Controls - the physical means by which a video game is played,

• Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a video game, and 

• Replay Value - a video games' worth in playing after completion.

Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.

    Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry).  The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.

     The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed.  For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound.  In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher.  One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.

    Got it?  Now you can go ahead and read what we have to say this month.

^{*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.}

- Paul Franzen

- Aaron Waters

- Aaron Waters

- Matt Gardner

- Neal Iannone

10. Evolution Skateboarding (PS2): I've heard that Konami cannot make a bad game.  I believed it until I ran across this one.  It did keep me occupied for a while, with the unique missions and original characters (Snake and Simon), but it doesn't match up to the Tony Hawk series.

9. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 (PSX): The worst of the Tony Hawk series.  I just couldn't get in the groove.  Marseille, France is a great park however.  They should include it in a newer game with better controls.

8. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (PSX): Since I had the PSX version, not much changed from 2, but it seemed better.  The tricks improved, the skater list grew, and the levels became more in depth. 

7. 720 (NES): A great NES game with great music.  It was very challenging, but I found myself playing it a lot.

6. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 (PS2): This one has greatly improved from 3.  Skating around levels without a care in the world.  A great feel of freedom entered the game at this point.  Bam has a shopping cart mission, which should be made into its own video game. 

5. Thrasher: Skate and Destroy (PSX): Coming straight from the greatest skating mag, you have to expect a true skateboarding game.  It might not be as fun to regular gamers as it is to gamers that skate, but anyone can have a good time with it.

4. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater (N64): The Originator!  I feel this brought the skateboarding into current systems.  I remember playing the "warehouse level" demo disc, eagerly waiting for the release.  The levels are the best in this game.

3. Skate or Die (NES): You can't go wrong with five different skating levels in the same 8-bit cartridge.  The downhill jam and race are very fun, but my favorite is the Joust.  I just wish there was a harder difficulty.

2. Skate or Die 2: The Search for Double Trouble (NES): What can be better than Skate or Die?  Skate or Die with a storyline.  Teamed up with Lester, CJ, Rodney, and great music, you must build a backyard ramp.  I love the adventure in this game.  Throwing M-80's from a skateboard is fun, too.

1. Tony Hawk Underground (PS2): This game has it all.  With the new walking mode, which i thought of when the first game came out, you can practically go anywhere.  You can even put your face on the character, but you need the online hookup.  Even without it, it's still an awesome game. 

VIII.

    The lights have been taken down, and stored in a cardboard box in the dank, musty basement, not to be seen again for another eleven months.  The tree, now brown with death, is in the backyard, with a few forgotten ornaments still clinging to it's lifeless branches.  The decorations are all packed away -- every last fake wreath, plastic Santa Clause, and festive bar of soap.  Yes, Christmas is over.

    But that doesn't mean we can't still gloat about the presents!

    GameCola editors Matt Gardner and Paul Franzen have a lot to be thankful for.  They've got roofs over their heads, clothing to keep them warm, and food to keep them from getting hungry.  But, more importantly, they're also spoiled rotten, especially around Christmas time.  To show you just how spoiled they are, GameCola presents Christmas: UNLEASHED - a bulleted look at what Santa Clause brought Matt and Paul this year.

    Unlike Mr. P. M. Franzen here, I am a chronic procrastinator.  It is now over a month after Christmas, February second, and I am sitting here desperately trying to remember every last part of the gigantic pile of games I received this year and write them into a nice little feature before the strictly enforced deadline.  I believe I may have gotten more games this year than any year before, and as such my pile of non-video game gifts was rather small.  That works fine for me, but enough about crappy intros; I'm running out of time!

• Final Fantasy X-2 (PS2): It's as if Rivers (see: The Gates of Life, this issue) threw a fusion bomb at FFX and some JPOP superstar poppy pop pop pop, woo.  This game is a great sequel to a great game.
  
  
• Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter (PS2): Don't let the name fool you.  This is actually the fifth game in the Breath of Fire series, not the 1/4^th, and it certainly isn't simply 1/4^th as good as the other games, either.
  
  
• Disgaea: Hour of Darkness (PS2): Animeish Tactics game something like Final Fantasy Tactics.  A humorous take on the serious business of tactical video games... yeah.
  
  
• Gladius (PS2): Play as one or two heroic gladiators in various arenas where other not-as-heroic gladiators will try their best to end your quest in a pool of yer own blood!  Arr!
  
  
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (PS2): They're teenage, they're mutant, they're ninja, aaaaaaaand they're turtles!  This game isn't as wonderful as the old ones, but it does have its charms.
  
  
• Prince of Persia: The Sands of time (PS2): Good game... would be better if it didn't have the damned bug or whatever that makes my controls not respond after pretty much every single cut-scene with the exception of the start button leaving me to pause and un-pause constantly until the game decides to give me back control... pah.
  
  
• The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (PS2): The King has returned... with all new MULTIPLAYER action!  Weeeeeeeeeeeee!
  
  
• The Hobbit (PS2): Back to the beginning.  Bilbo in his prime!  Dwarves all over the place, and my precious!
  
  
• Soul Calibur 2 (GCN): One of the few fighting games you'll actually ever see me play.  It should feel honored.
  
  
• Xenogears (PSX): Man... don't you just love it when those funny little X's decide to make a Z sound?  I sure do...
  
  
• Who Wants to Beat Up a Millionaire? (DC): Paul gave me this gem... it's as wonderful as the name suggests.
  
  
• Sonic Adventure (DC): Just like the GameCube Director's cut version, only crappier!
  
  
• Time Stalkers (DC): I've always wanted to stalk me some of that sexy time... here's my chance.  Restraining order my ass...
  
  
• Soul Fighter (DC): Those bastard souls have had this coming for a looooong time.
  
  
• Visual Memory Unit (DC): I CAN SAVE!!  I CAN SAVE!!!
  
  
• RFU Adaptor (DC): RFU adaptation at its finest!
  
  
• Super Mario Advance: Super Mario Bros. 2 (GBA): Check out The g50's amazing ... of the Month in this very issue!  GIANT enemies and vegetables?  Whaaaat?
  
  
• Super Mario Advance 2: Super Mario World (GBA): Luiiiiigiiiii why do you juuuump oh so craaaaapily?  I still love YOU Mario ;)
  
  
• Super Mario Advance 3: Yoshi's Island (GBA): Nevermind.  I hate you Mario... don't cry... damn it... damn it stop!
  
  
• Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3 (GBA): Have you ever seen the greatest combo in all of Super Mario history?  Have you?? It, of course, is Mario in the Hammer Bros. Suit and IN THE BOOT!!!
  
  
• Green Eggs and Ham (GBA): Not in a box not with a fox not in a tree SAM LET ME BE!!! Hmm.. they are actually pretty tasty.
  
  
• Sword of Mana (GBA): Again.. check out my work in THIS VERY ISSUE!! I love swords, and I looooove 
  Mana.  What a combo!
  
  
• .hack//SIGN v.03 Gestalt Limited Edition (DVD): Tsukasa...
  
  
• .hack//SIGN v.04 Omnipotence Limited Edition (DVD): Tsukasa?
  
  
• .hack//SIGN v.05 Uncovered Limited Edition (DVD): Tsukasa!!

    I've finished.  Yes it's true!  I apologize to any game I may have forgotten... I love you, I really really do... I'm just pressed for time!  I promise to play you as SOON as I can!  I love you!!

    You know, I don't think I actually got as many video games this year as I normally do.  But that might have something to do with all the DVD's Santa brought me, and all the clothing and candy and books and... wow, I got a lot this year.  I guess that means my parents love me more than yours love you, eh?  I was just lounging around in my new sweatpants and my new Luigi t-shirt, watching my new Confessions of a Dangerous Mind DVD and eating my new Lego candy, when I thought it might be a good idea to write my half of Christmas: UNLEASHED before the memory of Santa's many gifts to me this year fades completely from my memory.  So here goes:

• Luigi t-shirt: Well, yeah, I already mentioned this in my introduction, but it would be silly to leave it out of my spiffy little bulleted list, now wouldn't it?  I came across this beauty on a trip to the mall with my Mom for Christmas shopping, and I just had to have it.  So I made her buy it for me.  Er.. I mean, I "asked" her to buy it for me.  Yes.. "asked"... that sounds less selfish, doesn't it?
  
  

• Jeopardy (PS2): I put this game on my Christmas list, but I didn't actually expect to get it.  That's the way a lot of items on my annual lists work -- I put as much stuff as I can think of on there, so that way people don't have to actually think about what to get me.  It saves people from a lot of headaches, believe me.  Anyway, this game made it onto the list because I love the NES Jeopardy, and I figured that this one would have to be a lot like it.  I was right.  Still, I'm not sure I'd recommend it to most people -- unless you're into trivia games, like me.
  
  

• Kingdom Hearts (PS2): It's the GameCola Game of the Year for 2002!  Everyone who has a PlayStation 2 should own it!  Well.. okay.. I did wait a year after it was voted Game of the Year to actually come into ownership of it, but I'm glad I did.  It's the perfect blend of Disney and Final Fantasy, and I think anyone who likes either of those should look into it.  It's only major fault, that I've noticed so far anyway, is it's camera, which likes to swing around all willy-nilly in the middle of important boss battles/important platforming; so there's a lot of death related to that.  Otherwise, though, the game's a blast!
  
  

• Nintendo 64 controller: It's hard to come by new N64 controllers in this day and age, so I'm glad Santa's elves were able to fashion one for me.  Santa's elves, being third party peripheral manufacturers, didn't manage to make a controller better than the ones that Nintendo had made, but it gets the job done.  It's about time, too -- I was getting tired of using the broken controller during four-player games of Mario Kart 64 or WWF No Mercy (still the best wrestling game to date).
  
  

• Nintendo GameCube: Wow, I certainly didn't expect Santa to bring me this gift, either.  After my Dad said that we would be downsizing Christmas this year, I figured I'd be lucky to find a pair of used socks and some dental floss under the tree; but lo and behold, there was a GameCube there!  Glory be!  Now I have ALL MAJOR SYSTEMS (except N-Gage.. oh wait, I said "major" systems.. nevermind)!!  Actually this shouldn't have come as such a surprise, considering I've been getting one system per Christmas for the past few years.  Hm.. I wonder what that leaves for next Christmas then... Saturn, perhaps?  Maybe Virtual Boy?  Who knows?
  
  

• Mario Kart: Double Dash!! (GCN): This, of course, is the main/only reason I wanted a GameCube.  Well, that and Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, whenever that comes out.  Mario Kart 64 is my favorite game of all time; and after spending several hours with Double Dash!!, this is still the case.  I don't agree with Geoff's review last month, where he said that the new battle mode is horrendous; however, I'm not too pleased with the difficulty level of this game.  I'm a god of Mario Kart 64.  A god I say!  And yet, it took me like six or seven tries to beat the Star Cup on 100cc mode.  The Star Cup, for cryin' out loud!  There's OBVIOUSLY something wrong with the game.. there's certainly nothing wrong with MY skills.
  
  

• 1up Bracelet: Inexplicably, I've become interested in making/wearing bracelets of the past several months.  I blame Jenna for this.  I found this gem the same time I found the Luigi shirt... oh, what a day that was.  Hot Topic had an entire section devoted to just Nintendo stuff!  They had Legend of Zelda jackets, Pac-Man steering wheel covers, Metroid t-shirts.. I practically had a heart-failure right there in the store.  They better still have some of that stuff next time I go to the mall and actually have some money.
  
  

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fall of the Foot Clan (GB):  Neal made fun of me because it took me so many tries to beat this game.  You wanna know how many tries it took me to beat this game?  Three.  And yet, he made fun of me.  What a jerk.  The game is pretty simple, though; essentially, it's a simplified version of The Arcade Game or Turtles in Time or whichever Turtles game you fancy.  There's only five levels to it, and you can kill Foot Soldiers with one swipe of a bo.  Yeah, I don't know why it took me so many tries to beat, either.  But go buy it!  It's fun.
  
  

• Atari stickers: These actually came packaged with Jeopardy.  I'm thinking I'll use them on my PlayStation 2 or Xbox controllers, to keep them separated from others in events of mass controller confusion.  Mine will be the ones with the Atari stickers, and no one will take them home thinking they're their's.  This is a nice change from the Power Puff Girls stickers that I've been using.
  
  

• Legend of Dragoon (PSX): I don't really know much about this title.  I was asking Matt for recommendations of games to add to my mammoth Christmas list, and this was one of the ones he came up with.  All I really know is that it's a two-disc PlayStation RPG.  It looks pretty spiffy.  Plus, Matt usually knows what he's talking about when he comes to video games, and I know he wouldn't steer me wrong.  Hopefully, anyway.
  
  

• Disney's Magical Quest 2 Starring Mickey and Minnie (GBA): By now I'm sure you all know the story concerning the first title in this series, so I can just skip explaining that whole shebang.  If you don't know, go read the "Dear Readers" from issue 2-8, okay?  The first Magical Quest is an awesome game, and I'm hoping the second one is too.  I haven't gotten around to playing it yet -- I'm waiting for a long car ride to arise.  Word is that there's a third one coming out later this year, too -- this one starring Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.  Poor Minnie.  First she looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy in Kingdom Hearts, and now she gets shafted in the only video game series she could call her own.  Oh well, she was never a very interesting character to begin with.
  
  

• Chocobo Racing (PSX): This is another title that comes recommended from Matt.  Since Double Dash!! was the premier kart-racing title I got for Christmas, I haven't spent any time at all yet with Chocobo Racing, but I am assured that it is indeed a title worthy of my collection.  Just ask Matt!  He gave it a 7 in the 2-4 issue!
  
  

• WrestleMania (NES): I love that I got this game for Christmas.  You know why?  Because I bought it for myself.  This isn't a "I bought the game and then my parents bought it for me for Christmas, tee hee, what a silly little mistake"; rather, this is a "I bought the game, realized I had two of them, so I put it in my eBay warehouse, which also happens to be where Christmas gifts are stored, so whoopsie, it got mixed in which my Christmas gifts and ended up wrapped under my tree".  Ah well.  My parent's have hearts of gold, even if their memories are only bronze.
  
  

• GameCola hooded sweatshirt: You know, you guys CAN order stuff like that off the website.  It's right there on the navigational bar.  You see where it says "swag"?  That's insider lingo for "GameCola merchandise, please buy this stuff so you can spread the word about your favorite video game webazine".   This particular hooded sweatshirt is comfy, and all the ladies dig it.  Do you need help scoring some chicks?  Get GameCola gear!  It can't possibly make your situation any worse, can it?
  
  

• Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup (PS2): Funny how I got more games for PS2 than for any other system, isn't it?  I haven't even seen an appearance by Xbox yet.. though we're not quite finished, now are we?  This game is, without a shadow of a doubt, the best sports game from 2003 that I played.  Yep, it wins out over all zero other sports titles that have graced my consoles.  It's the only one that seemed at all interesting.  I'm tired of all the Super NHL NFL Breakaway Ice Hockey Blitz  '04s that came out this year, and Quidditch is a welcome change.  The game isn't as good as it can be, but it's certainly more creative than anything else that's out there.  Maybe next year's version will be better.
  
  

• Sheep (PSX): This one was a gift from my girlfriend.  (Yeah, yeah, a gamer with a girlfriend, who would of thought, right?)  It's.. well.. it's more fun than herding sheep, which is coincidently what the game is about.  I haven't gotten to far in it just yet because Kingdom Hearts keep sucking my time away, but what I've played so far has been enjoyable.  Especially the multiplayer mode.  It's sheep soccer.  I can't say it's better than the best soccer game of all time (International Superstar Soccer 64), but it's certainly a creative minigame.
  
  

• Game Player's Game Tape for Nintendo Cartridges Vol. 1, No. 1: I can't believe I actually sit through this entire tape.  It's 40 minutes of people from Game Player's Guides (I'm not really sure who they are) beating NES games, and telling us how we can be better able to play with power.  The VHS tape features Double Dragon, Milon's Secret Castle, Bionic Commando, Robo Warrior, and Wizards and Warriors, and as of those, I've only played Double Dragon (and that was only in the Dentist's waiting room waiting for him to do God-knows-what to my teeth), this tape really wasn't all that exciting.  It is, though, a neat piece of gaming's past to own.  And it only cost my parents a dollar! (I know this because my dad left the price tag on when he wrapped it.)
  

• Broken Sword: The Sleeping Dragon (MXB): Man, I was disappointed with this title.  I was hoping for something along the lines of The Curse of Monkey Island, and what I got was The Curse of Moving a Bunch of Crates to Solve Pretty Much Every Puzzle.  If all of the crate-moving was cut out of this game, and all that was left were the puzzles.. I probably still wouldn't think it was that great, because the developers put all this stealth crap into the game.  So if they took out both the crate-moving and the stealth crap, then there might be an enjoyable game in the third Broken Sword.  Oh well, maybe the first two are better.

Well that about wraps (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH GET IT???) it up for video game related gifts that I received this past Christmas.  I can't believe Matt got more than me... oh well, at least HE didn't get a GameCola hooded sweatshirt, eh?  Eh??  Ciao.

And there you have it, gamefans -- Christmas: UNLEASHED.  I hope you all enjoyed reading our trip through the Christmas of 2003, and join us again next year when we again show you just exactly how spoiled Matt and Paul are.  Merry February! 

- Matt Gardner and Paul Franzen

IX.

    You might find this hard to believe, but some people actually give a shit about my modest little comic creation Loafy Carl.  Well, either way, I found this hard to grasp myself.  Often I receive instant messages and e-mails with a variety of questions regarding the strip.  Some people ask me what the characters' names are, while some ask me when the kid with the glasses is gonna get some from the blonde chick.  More often than these, however, people ask me questions regarding the process of making a strip.  Rather than answer each question individually in FAQ style, I've decided that I would take this opportunity to treat you readers to a making of Loafy Carl featurette, where you will the the construction of a comic from beginning to end.

    Whenever I get an idea for a strip, I write it down on my Loafy Carl plan paper.  An idea can be anything from something I know is funny but haven't made a setup and punch line for to something more refined and ready for production.  Some of the ideas are more developed than others, so if a comic I've made isn't brushed up yet, and it doesn't require chronological placement, it will simply be bumped further down the line until I can work out the technicalities.  After some strip ideas build up on my paper, or more often for me, a deadline is approaching, I sit down at my drawing table and draw out the panels.  Sometimes I draw the panels for more than one strip at a time because I don't do one strip at a time.  most of the times I produce several Loafy Carls in one sitting, as to buy myself some more time to loaf around.

    Drawing the panels is a very enjoyable process for me because all of the problems I've faced with a particular strip are smoothed out by this point.  I refer to a half-inch panel sketch on the plan paper and redo a higher quality pencil draft in a 3' by 3' panel (figure 1).  Once I see what I like in terms of a foundation, I go over the final lines in ink (figure 2).  After a panel is done being inked, I take my eraser and remove all the pencil lines from my sketch so that my picture is crisp and clean (figure 3).  In this particular strip, the same picture is used for each panel, so I'm already set to scan.  In the case of more than a single image, I do 'em all and then scan, what'd ya think?

    Once the image is scanned, I crop what I don't need from the page and then open it in MS Paint.  Here is where I do all the formatting and additional cleaning.  Once the image is set, I open my Loafy Carl Template (the title banner and three blank panels) and set my new image in the first panel (figure 4).  Once everything is formatted correctly, I save my image and bring it over to Adobe Photoshop, where I begin the most enjoyable step in the process: the coloring phase.  I open up my Loafy Carl Color File (a list of items with a swatch of its appropriate color) and use that pallet to color in my strip.  Once I have my image colored, I save it and revisit MS Paint (figure 5).  Since I am using the same image for each panel, I simply copy and paste the first one over the second and third panel (figure 6).  It would be foolish to do this before coloring, because then you'd hafta color 3 freakin' panels, and that's just not time effective.

    Once that's done, I throw in my speech bubbles and call it a day (figure 7).  And that's that.  I hope those of you who ever wondered how the strip comes to exist are satisfied with my little tutorial, and if you were disappointed at all with the lack of flair and creativity in this month's Awesomer, then you should really discourage the fans of Loafy Carl.  It's their fault.  Wasting their time with that rubbish.  Who makes that shit, anyway?  Oh, right.  Nevermind.

    Uhh, here's some unrelated news for those who're concerned about the well-being of cool stores on South Street, Philadelphia.  About a month or so ago, a man living above one of the coolest stores on the street, Quakerhead, decided to end his life.  Now if you're gonna take your own life, that's your own decision.  All we ask is that you be considerate in your means of execution.  The world doesn't end once you die, pal.  But no, he couldn't just slice his wrists.  He hadta get in the tub and slice his wrists while the freakin' water was still running.  Downstairs in Quakerhead, blood water starts running down the walls and does some pretty hefty damage to hot items, including figures, posters, videos, and clothing.  As of recently, the store is still closed indefinitely due to merchandise and property damage.  Balls, mate.  As you let that crap sink in, this has been Neal, and just so you know, I am awesomer than you. 

- Neal Iannone

    Najen: Barin can't be dead!  He just can't be!  I have to try and save him!

Najen looked around frantically, trying to find anything at all that she could use to help Barin.

    ???:      He's dead.  I'm not sure what exactly you are looking for, but nothing you can find in this cave is 
                  going  to bring him back.

    Najen:   Who are you?!  And what do you know about it?!

    ???:       Who am I?  Well, I'm glad you asked!  I'm Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora!  As 
                   for your other question... it doesn't take a genius to know that a rock covered in moss isn't an 
                   effective means of resurrecting a person.

    Najen:    ...shut up.

    Render: Well now, that was neither polite nor clever, wouldn't you say?  One would think you would treat 
                   better the person who holds the remedy for your little problem.

    Najen:    What?!  You can cure him??

    Render:  I most certainly can!  Here, take this!

With a flourish Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora removed a small vial from somewhere beneath his puffy shirt and long cape and handed it to Najen.

    Najen:    Th... thank you...

    Render: No thanks necessary.  Now, I apologize, but I really must be going.

Before Najen could respond, Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora was gone.

    Najen:  Okay Barin... let's see if this does the trick...

Najen poured the contents of the vial into Barin's mouth.  Before long Barin's body started to shake... slowly at first, but it quickly became more and more violent.

    Najen:  Barin?!  What the hell is going on??

Barin's body continued to shake, and Najen became more and more worried.  Fortunately for her sanity, the shaking began to slow down, but as his body became more stable, it also began to seemingly twist and shrink.  Within a matter of moments Barin had changed from an average sized human to a rather tiny young kitten.

    Najen: What?!

    Barin:  Meow?

    Najen: ... I'm going to kill him.

Najen scooped little Barin up in one arm and ran for the exit Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora had used just a few minutes later.

    Rivers:   Did you give it to her?

    Render: Of course!  Was there ever any doubt?

    Tryn:       And she actually believed it would just bring him back to life?? Ha ha!  Some people are just so 
                    foolish.

    Render:  Yeah yeah enough talk, let's get back to the ship before she's up and after us.  I'd rather not deal 
                    with her now.

    Rivers:    That's right.  There's nothing more annoying than an angry woman.

    Tryn:        What?!  You chauvinist pig!!  What do you mean by that?!

    Render:   Ugh... feminism... we've no time for this, LET'S GO!

    Najen:      Not so fast!

    Barin:       Hisssss!!

    Render:    Wonderful... Tryn, you deal with her.    

    Tryn:          Fiiiiine.

Tryn ran towards Najen and Barin, pulling out a knife as she came closer.  She lunged at Najen, but a quick sidestep sent Tryn flying into a nearby tree.

    Render: Rivers?

    Rivers:   It would be my pleasure.

Rivers closed his eyes and began to concentrate, and a pair of green, glowing spheres began to form in his hand.

    Render: No matter how many times I see that, it still looks oh so wrong...

When the spheres were at their full size, Rivers hurled them towards Barin and Najen.  Najen looked wide-eyed at the pair of bombs flying towards her face, while Barin occupied himself licking her hand.  Mere fractions of a second before they made contact, Najen leapt out of the way and the bombs flew off towards Tryn and the tree she was sitting dazed under, hitting them both directly.

    Render: Did you really just miss?  This is truly pathetic.

    Rivers:   Well if she would just hold still...

    Render:  Just... stand right there and get ready for another throw; I'll make sure she doesn't move again.

Najen stared at the tree and Tryn, to see what those two blasts had done; but to her surprise, nothing seemed to have happened.  Tryn stood up, looking very groggy, and tried to walk back towards Rivers.  A look of frightened realization came over her face suddenly, and Najen, too, noticed what Tryn had come to realize.  Her feet had become planted to the ground, the tree's roots working their way up her body.  It only took seconds for her to become completely fused with the tree, leaving one larger tree where she and the tree had originally gotten hit.

    Najen:   You... fused her with the tree?!

    Rivers:  That's what fusion bombs are for...

    Render: Ha ha ha!  Poor little Tryn... or perhaps I should say, poor little "Treen!"

    Rivers:   Ah ha ha ha!

    Najen:    Whaaat?  That wasn't even funny!!

    Render:  Oh, it most certainly was!  But not quite as funny as what's about to happen to you!

Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora rushed over and grabbed Najen from behind, whirling her around so that she was face-to-face with Rivers.  He had her arms held tight, so she couldn't escape, but Barin was free and began to scratch at Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora's hands.

    Render: Arrrg.  Damned cat!  Hurry up, Rivers!

    Rivers:   Alright, alright, I'm ready.

    Render:  If you hit me Rivers, so help me...

Which Gate Do You Choose?

Go Fusion Kitty!

    Rivers: I actually hit them!  I hit her and even that little cat!!  I don't believe it!

Keep Your Balls Away From Me!

    Rivers: Uh oh... Captain's not gonna be happy...  

    When I first heard about Kingdom Hearts, one of the initial things that came to my mind was a comparison of this game to Super Mario RPG.  With KH being a collaboration between Squaresoft and Disney, and Super Mario RPG being a collaboration between Squaresoft and Nintendo, it seemed only natural that similarities might be conjured up between the two.  To me, anyway.  If you don't agree -- tough cookies.  This is my first shot at writing Versus Mode, and this is the topic I wanna discuss.  So sit on it, disbelieving headwire.

     Super Mario RPG is, you guessed it, a role-playing game featuring the world and characters of Earth's most famous plumber.  A few new characters are introduced in this game, though never to be seen again, such as the bad-ass Geno and the fluffy Mallow.  Attacks are turn based, though Square introduced this nifty feature where you can add on to the damage you deal if you hit a certain button at a certain time.  (Years after completing SMRPG, I find myself still using this method in various RPGs, despite the feature not actually being in them.)  The story is well written (and surprisingly not entirely centered around the capture of Princess Toadstool) and entertaining, and if you look carefully, you might find cameos by other Nintendo game dwellers, such as Hyrule's own Link.

    In Kingdom Hearts, too, you'll find cameos by characters from worlds of the source material; however, they play a much larger role in this title.  As opposed to SMRPG, where a few main Nintendo characters were interspersed here and there, most of the cast of KH is made up of Disney characters.  Those who aren't are from other Square games, or are entirely new characters; but these characters make up a minority.  The story of Kingdom Hearts is even more well written than that of SMRPG, and the battle system is strikingly different.  In KH you find an action-oriented schema of fighting, akin to that of Secret of Mana or Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, which I personally prefer.  No original characters from KH have yet to be seen outside of the title itself, but I have a feeling that this will change with the summer release of Kingdom Hearts' two sequels.

    While Super Mario RPG is one of the better RPG's available for Super Nintendo, it is slightly edged out by Kingdom Hearts, due to the story and battle system of the latter title.  Certainly, you should pick up both titles if you can, but the winner in a head-to-head comparison is our Game of the Year for 2002 (despite its painfully awful camera).