Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers II. Submissions III. Carbonated News IV. Reviews!       A. James Pond 2: Codename             Robocod (SMS)       B. Aero the Acrobat (SG)       C. Lufia 2: Rise of the             Sinistrals (SNES)       D. Mario and Luigi: Superstar             Saga  (GBA)       E. Donkey Konga (GCN)        F. Katamari Damacy (PS2)  V. Your Top 10 Favorite        Video Games VI. The "Name that Contest" Contest! VII. The Gates of Life VIII. Captain Eric's Super Thumb          Feature Presentation IX. Versus Mode X. Games for the Casual Gamer XI. Digital Championship Wrestling XII. Great Moments in Gaming XIII. ... of the Month

Starring:
Also Featuring: Yo Momma, Casey Levine, and Justin Walden

I. Dear Readers, 

    I don't know about you guys, but I sure haven't been playing many video games lately.  (Is it just me, or is this not the first time I've started off a "Dear Readers" with those words?  Crazy.)  What with schoolwork, transferring to another college, saving money for and purchasing Christmas gifts, and just being an all around loaf, it seems like I've gone an entire month without saving the world.  Oh sure, I've died a few times in Way of the Samurai, rediscovered how annoying Legend of Mana is, punched a few deserving small children in Fable (honestly, can't they just quit making fun of me for not breaking the barrels?), and started to play the new GoldenEye (I'm enjoying it quite a bit so far -- look for a review next issue), but most of this month has been spent on things much less important than video games.  For this, I am sorry.

    By the time work on the February issue starts to wrap up, I'll be attending classes at my new school, the University of Maryland in College Park.  And if you've any matter of luck, I'll be rooming with GameCola's own Executive Editor Matt Gardner, because with that particular state of housing, I'll be all but forced to partake in the delights of gaming, which means more content for you.  Of course, there's also the chance that I'll be randomly assigned to live with yet another drunken fool whose idea of a gamer is someone he played Halo with once at a frat party, but he's not really sure if that actually happened or not because he was "wasted", in which case GameCola will be no more, because it's hard to run a newsletter when you're taking a bath with the toaster.

    Many thanks to the readers who have supported us in 2004, be it with e-mails, fan art, or IMs at the beginning of the month saying "the latest issue rocks, man".  Every once in a while I get myself in this mood where I wonder why I'm even doing all of this, but then I get a forward in my inbox from Matt's mom saying how proud she proud she is of her baby boy, and it all becomes perfectly clear:

    I'm out of my goddamn mind. 

Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net

P.S. Our hearts and prayers go out to Neal Iannone and his family, due to the recent passing of his mother.  I'm about a month late with this, but Neal's contributions over the years have been far too great for me to not say anything at all.  We're all here for you, man.  If you have any good thoughts you'd like to send to the genius behind "Loafy Carl" and "Neal is Awesomer Than You", send them on over to tocksik@comcast.net.  

II. 

Letters:

Dear Matt:

Seeing your cute little (or maybe big) face here in this magazine makes me soooo proud. Way back 20 years ago I would never have imagined my son would become a great writer, even though Ms. DeNafo, your 2nd grade teacher told me you would!!! It just takes my breath away! 

Congratulations on this award. It is well deserved. Maybe I’ll even buy you a video game to celebrate. This surely proves that letting your kid play all the video games he wants to helps him to succeed in life!!!

Love, Yo Momma

III. 

• The remake of one of Genesis' most popular titles that I've never played, Altered Beast, is sadly no longer slated to come to the United States.  I know you're heartbroken, but don't fret too much that only the Japanese gamers are getting this one -- you wouldn't wanna play it anyway.  The reason the game's US release is being canceled is that "Sega is more particular about the titles it ships in the US", implying that the game isn't turning out so hot.  Perhaps they should, you know, improve the game instead of limiting its release, but I guess thoughts like that are exactly why I write about video games instead of making them.
  
  

• Here's a tip for all parents who might be reading this: don't pay attention to what watchdog groups tell you about video games.  Five different groups who think they know better than you recently came together to produce a list of the top ten violent video games that you shouldn't be purchasing your kiddies for Christmas.  Sounds like a noble task, right?  The thing is, it took five of these groups to produce a list that includes: titles that came out years ago (Shadow Hearts, Postal 2, and Manhunt), titles that won't come out until next year (Hitman: Blood Money), and titles that are only available in Japan (Gunslinger Girl Vol. 3).  Now, perhaps these group know kids better than I do, but I'm not sure that too many grade-schoolers are consulting their Japanese release charts when determining what games to ask Santa for.  It also seems as though the top two games on their list of games you should buy your kids are in fact one in the same, though I suppose it's possible that both "Antigrav" and "EyeToy: Antigrav" are entirely separate titles.  If you wish to view the laughable list, it's available at the bottom of http://www.iccr.org/news/press_releases/pr_jtstatement112304.htm.  
  
  

• I should've mentioned this a few months back when the voting started, but the voting is now complete for the "Walk of Game", a gaming memorial to be placed on the floor of the Sony Metreon.  Stars were awarded to developers Shigeru Miyamoto and Will Wright, and to video game characters Master Chief, Link, Mario, and Sonic, who will all be officially inducted into the Walk of Game early next year.  If you wanna check out the awesomeness for yourself, the Metreon can be located on Fourth Street in San Francisco, California.
  
  

• Quirky "I-can't-believe-it-was-released-here" PS2 puzzle game Katamari Damacy is set to receive a sequel some time in the fiscal year of 2005, which apparently is not at all like the actual year of 2005, but rather runs from April 1, 2005 to March 31, 2006.  There's not a whole lot more to that; though it amuses me that the game's been out for like.. a month, and already a sequel is very much forth-coming.
  
  

• Much like Squaresoft tried several years back with Final Fantasy: The Sprits Within, there's been talk around the Nintendo water cooler about producing an animated motion picture.  If you're like me, you read that and thought "hey, that's pretty spiffy, I sure wouldn't mind seeing a full-length version of the classic Super Mario cartoon."  If you're like me, then, you'll probably be confused about what Nintendo actually has in mind: a movie about Japanese poetry.  That's all that is known right now -- that Nintendo is contemplating launching an in-house movie production studio in order to forge an animated feature presentation about Japanese poetry.  Gotta give them points for creativity on that one. 

 Paul Franzen

IV.

    For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.

    Our crack review squad^* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:

• Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced in playing a video game,

• Audio - the music and sound effects of a video game,

• Controls - the physical means by which a video game is played,

• Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a video game, and 

• Replay Value - a video game's worth in playing after completion.

Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.

    Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry).  The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.

     The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed.  For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound.  In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher.  One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.

    Got it?  Now you can go ahead and read what we have to say this month.

^{*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.}

^{Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.}

^{(Please note: GameCola welcomes its readers to send in their reviews of any game's we've yet to cover.  Please keep in mind, however, that we do not currently review PC titles, and as such, we will be unable to publish any PC game reviews that you send us.  Thanks!)}

A. 

Platform: Sega Master System
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release:  c. 1992
Developer: Electronic Arts    
Publisher: Millennium

    The toys at Santa’s factory are crying out for help! Who will save them? Then, from the depths… ROBOCOD! This fishy character will defeat Dr. Maybe and defuse all the penguin bombs! But only with your help…  

    It’s extremely hard for me to accept that EA created this game – it is full of the charm their games are so sorely lacking these days. Robocod is the sequel to James Pond, which was the first game to be developed in the UK for the Sega Megadrive/Genesis. Rule Britannia and all that. Unfortunately, it was crap. Robocod completely re-imagines the series to produce a far more satisfying result.  

    This is a platform game with fairly basic action, save for one interesting gimmick – Robocod can streeeeetch. Literally. He grows upwards, little fins outstretched, then grabs the ceiling and shimmies along. This gimmick isn’t actually used that much beyond the first few worlds, but it’s nice that it exists. The controls are simple. A and C to stretch, B to jump. The physics are a little floaty, which means that you tend to spend more time in the air than is natural. The various vehicles also feel a little weird at first… the car should surely be a bit heavier… but the game is tailored to work with its unusual mechanics surprisingly well. 

    The levels are enjoyable, with enough variation to keep you playing. All of them are sadly the same objective wise… find all the penguin bombs, and then reach the exit. The design is good, though. There are usually a couple of routes through each level, and an odd assortment of objects to collect ranging from oil cans to a pair of pouting lips.  

    Pond’s adventures are rather, well, freaky… you fly around in a bathtub, for crying out loud. The bosses seem rather odd, too. A giant teddy tries to crush you with its arse. A giant car spits smaller cars at you. And they get weirder. The apex of sheer oddness comes in the mirror dancers. You’ll know when you get there… 

    Robocod is sufficiently tricky. The bosses are no trouble at all most of the time, but some of the levels can be fiendish, often to the point of frustration. Some of the enemies take a good beating to go down, and a few cheap shots can leave you seething. There is, however, very little danger of seeing a Game Over screen – there is a ridiculous abundance of extra lives in places.  

    The game sounds, well, Christmassy. Which is topical, I suppose. The sound effects are rather repetitive as are the songs. There are only about 4 tracks and they are looped endlessly. Insanity will claim you. IT WILL. Thankfully the graphics will not bore you. The sprites are chunky and well-defined, and the landscapes colourful. A few levels are a little bland, but they don’t really last all that long. 

    Robocod is absolutely loaded with secret areas, some of which are hidden in ridiculously convoluted locations. There are many hidden levels, all packed with random bonuses. These will keep you coming back, as well as the two secret levels – one of which is the best in the game!  

    I like this game. It isn’t a particularly brilliant cart, but for the price it usually commands it is well worth a spin. It doesn’t have anything like the depth of its fantastic sequel, Operation Starfish, but it is still a worthwhile play. 

     - Stuart Gipp

B.

Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release:  August 1993
Developer: Iguana Entertainment
Publisher: Sunsoft

    From the age of platform heroes which also brought us such luminaries as Bubsy, Awesome Possum and Punky Skunk comes Aero the Acrobat, the flying mouse with attitude who completely failed to set the world on fire.  

    Aero’s escapades are chronicled in three games – Aero the Acrobat, Aero the Acrobat 2 and Zero the Kamikaze Squirrel. The latter is possibly the best game title ever. But regardless, this review covers the original, and, in my opinion, the best of the series. 

    The evil circus clown (Is there any other kind of circus clown?) Edgar Ektor, also a powerful industrialist, has some issues. He was banished from the circus when he was a child and he swears vengeance upon the world of amusements. He also kidnaps Aero’s girlfriend, Ariel! I know, I know, what a bastard. But, astonishingly, it’s up to Aero to save her and defeat Edgar. 

    Control is fairly easy, with nice response and a lovely set of moves. Aero can perform a drill attack by tapping the jump button twice. This is used both to defeat enemies and to reach distant platforms. Aero can also hover, but this move has little practical use in-game.  

    Fun? Definitely. Aero’s adventure takes him through many varied levels, with frequent innovative touches. There are plenty of theme park rides to try out – many of the levels play at high speed. Each level has a different mission, which include finding a certain number of Star Platforms, to jumping through a set number of hoops. 

    This game is large and the absence of a password system or battery back-up of any kind makes it a little laborious to play through. There are many obstacles that instantly remove one of your lives (if it’s sharp, it’s always a killer) and the trial and error based nature of a few of the levels means that you’ll be unfairly brought down one too many times. This damages the game’s replay value somewhat considerably, as although the levels are packed with secrets and hidden bonuses, replaying all the old levels multiple times, only to be killed on the Barrel Roll (absolutely hideous level) is far too frustrating. 

    The music is also a failing – never have I heard such grating, shrill tunes coming from a console. Thankfully, the music can be switched off. Leave the sound effects alone, though – they’re very pleasant. The visuals make up for the audible failings. They’re very colourful, with dynamic sprites and some appealing scenery. Nothing spectacular, mind. 

    Aero the Acrobat is a good platform game. It’s worth buying on the cheap, but there are several better platformers available for the Genesis.

  - Stuart Gipp

C.

 Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release:  January 1996
Developer: Natsume
Publisher: Natsume

    This game has remained solid at the very top of my favorite games of all time list since I first played it back in the Super NES days. That is to say, the days when Super NES was in the latest generation of consoles. Which is something to say, as I have played quite a few games since then. To give you a better idea of why I like this game so much, I think I shall write a review about it! Go:

    Although this game gets extremely high ratings in every single category, its highest ratings are found in fun and replay value. As usual, these categories are hopelessly intertwined. This RPG gets rid of everything I find annoying about other RPGs. Mainly, random encounters and exceedingly long dungeons. Of course, this game does have random encounters on the overworld map, but not enough that I’ve ever been annoyed by them. CAPSULE monsters. Those are pretty fun little things, they are. They act as a 5^th, uncontrollable party member that does a variety of things depending on what kind it is. You can feed them various things like swords and helmets and tea to make them grow into more powerful forms, also. The dungeons themselves are very fun to play through, no matter how many times you do them. This is because, as I hinted earlier, they are kept reasonably short. They also have quite a few puzzles in them, such as Tetris-ish block moving puzzles, that are required to open passages to deeper parts of the dungeons. The story is also interesting enough to keep you entertained throughout the entire game. It involves a monster hunter named Maxim going on a quest to figure out why he’s supposed to go on a quest. But then he DOES figure it out, and there’s even more story. The interesting story combined with the short and sweet dungeons makes this game perfect for people who just like playing through games quickly and moving on with the storyline. Since the game is so entertaining, and relatively short, it is easy to replay it many, many times without becoming bored. As an added bonus, and another reason to keep playing, there are two new modes to be unlocked upon beating the game. When you beat the game once, you unlock replay mode, which allows you to replay the game while earning 4x the amount of experience and gold from enemies. This allows the game to go even quicker than before, and helps you get to higher levels so you can defeat tough monsters from sidequests that you may have skipped the first time through. If you beat the game on replay mode, you unlock gift mode. Gift mode allows you to explore the ancient cave (a 100 level optional dungeon) using any character who has joined your party at any point in the game. This allows you to use characters who may have left your party early on in the game, but are better than characters you still have at the end.

    The controls are ultra simple to figure out, and even if you can’t figure them out on your own (not likely) and don’t have a manual(!!), there is no need to worry. There is a guy who will invite you to a training dungeon and explain all of the controls to you at the very beginning of the game. If you still can’t figure the controls out, that’s really not the developer’s fault. The controls are easy and intuitive.

    The music is the kind of music all RPGs should have. With the town music that, when you hear it, makes you think, "Holy jeez, I’m in a town!" and battle music which gets your blood flowing. The music in this game also has a habit of getting itself stuck in your head (in the good way) so that you’ll end up downloading it and listening to it during your seven minutes of free time that isn’t filled with playing this game.

    The visuals are next to perfect for Super NES games. They are completely two-dimensional, without any of those lame attempts at looking 3D (which look rather ugly, in my opinion). Everything is bright and colorful, with no drab and boring scenery or characters.

    This game is really a must have for anyone who is even slightly into RPGs. As for people who usually hate RPGs for whatever reason, this would probably be one of the only RPGs they would find themselves enjoying. It appeals to gamers of all types, casual or otherwise. You won’t have to invest 50-1000 hours into this game, as with many other RPGs these days, but you would most definitely be able to if you felt the need. Unfortunately, this game can be found basically nowhere. If you do happen to find it at some sort of gaming convention or used game store somewhere, it will most probably cost you something like 30-50 dollars. It is definitely worth the price, though. Anyway, if you can find it, play it. You won’t be disappointed. 

- Matt Gardner

D. 

Platform: Game Boy Advance
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release:  November 2003
Developer: AlphaDream
Publisher: Nintendo

    Falling somewhere in between Super Mario RPG and Paper Mario in terms of gameplay, Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga follows the quest of the digital world’s two most famous plumbers to rescue Peach’s stolen voice from the clutches of Cackletta, new evil baddie to the Mario universe. Or, at least you think that’s what’s going on. You really don’t find out the true nature of your adventure until several hours into the game, but hey, a quest is a quest, right?

    Superstar Saga departs from Paper Mario’s bizarre side-scrolling RPG design and returns to the traditional view featured in Mario RPG – y’know, the one where you can walk in ALL directions, not just right and left. Unlike both prior titles, the party you begin with is the party you end with, meaning that you get no other characters helping you to do battle. This is certainly superior to the generic partners of Paper Mario, which consists of "a good-guy Koopa Troopa" and "a good-guy Goomba", among others, but it’s a shade below having actual original characters, such as Mario RPG did with Geno and Mallow.

    But you do get one thing that neither of those games got to have, which is Luigi as a playable character. Instead of just Mario doing all the mushroom-eating and Koopa-beating, Luigi gets in on the action too. This provides for some tandem moves, both in battle and out of, such as using Luigi to help jump to a high ledge, or whacking Mario like a golf ball towards the nearest ShyGuy. Most of this game’s puzzles require you to use Mario and Luigi as a team, whether it be pounding Luigi into the ground with a hammer so he can tunnel under a fence and hit a button on the other side, or having Mario spin in the air like a helicopter so you can fly the short distance across a gap in the ground.

    The game is littered with inside jokes that only the most hardcore of fanboys would get, none of which I’m about to spoil for you right now. Just trust me on this; there’s references to Super Mario Bros. 2 and 3, Dr. Mario, Mario RPG, and many others.

    Battles in Superstar Saga feature one thing I hate no matter how many times I see it – Timed Attacks. As in, if you press a button at a certain time, you can deal more damage to your enemy, or doge an enemy's attack. It sounds real good in theory, but games tend to make it mandatory that you time your attacks properly, so much that if you don’t hit the button at the exact right second for each one of your attacks, you haven’t a chance of winning the battle. It’d be a lot nicer if they bonus damage were more of a bonus than a requirement, but sadly, this game makes it so that if you don’t doge an enemy's attack, you’re done for.

Visuals in this game are in the vein of Yoshi’s Island, being more cartoony than the typical Mario title. They’re a bit above what you could expect from a Super Nintendo title, making them on par with the norm for GBA. The soundtrack of Superstar Saga features several remixed tunes from prior Mario games, and several new tunes that go along just as well. Same with the sound effects – they’re a perfect blend of old sounds and new.

    In the grand scheme of all things Mario and all things role-playing, I’d put this between above Paper Mario, but below Super Mario RPG. The visuals are a lot less goofy than the former, and the characters more interesting, but the characters aren’t as interesting as they are in the latter, and the latter features less emphasis on timed attacks. But heck, if you like either of those titles, you’re bound to like this one, too. It takes roughly 20-25 hours to beat, more if you’re up to doing all the side-quests and junk, and it’s more-or-less worth the $30 it costs new. 

- Paul Franzen

E.

Platform: Nintendo GameCube
Genre: Rhythm
# of Players: 1-4
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release:  September 2004
Developer: Namco
Publisher: Nintendo

    Nintendo recently entered the rhythm game scene with a unique title of its own. That title is Donkey Konga, a game where songs are played with a mini bongo set (which can either be bought with the game or separately). On this bongo set, beats are hit out as they come out on the screen and claps are made to hit certain beats.

    The concept is basically what was stated above, to hit the beats. After completing songs, coins are awarded for hitting the right beats and those can then in turn be used to buy more songs. It may sound boring, but it’s worked for other games right? Well, not in this game. Playing Donkey Konga is exciting at first, especially if the player is a fan of rhythm games, but after playing through and unlocking all the songs it’s boring. The idea of hitting a bongo controller may seem fun in theory, but after playing the game a couple of times, the novelty really wears off.

    Donkey Konga has only thirty-three songs and that is a definite negative for the game, even though a lot of the music is of different genres. Those genres range from techno (The Crystal Method), to ska (The Mighty Mighty Bosstones), to classical (Hungarian March). The oddest thing and almost negative thing I found of the music was it was all covered except for the official Nintendo music.

    Visually the game is nothing great, average graphics are used throughout the menus and characters. A lot of the visuals that are seen are the colors red, yellow, pink, and blue, the colors of the beats that are supposed to be hit on screen. Even though it’s arguable that rhythm games don’t need good graphics, games like Dance Dance Revolution or Amplitude provide an interesting thing to do or watch while playing the actual rhythm game.

    The controls of this game are quite simple, hit the bongos on certain beats and clap on others. It gets boring and repetitive fast. With only three different "hit types" there is only so much variation that can be had. There was an interesting part about the controls for awhile, the idea of clapping for certain beats; well the game picks up tapping on the microphone as clapping, and also blowing on it, and clicking one’s tongue and…that’s a whole game in itself, but that gets boring too.

    I didn’t find this game very fun after playing it the first couple of times. Although there are mini games and multiplayer "battles" they are just too simple to actually be fun. Another mode was made to make the game more fun, called "Monkey Jam" where the notes need to be memorized to play that mode; well I bet no one ever plays that mode since the game actually needs to be played to memorize things. In saying that, I would say Donkey Konga has a low replay value since it goes from fun to boring real fast.

    I do give Nintendo a thumbs up for attempting to broaden its scope, but I give it a thumbs down for copying the idea from Namco’s Taiko: Drum Master and also trying to put characters from one of its popular and well respected game series to try and get people to buy it. Just because Donkey Kong is on the box and in the name does not mean it’s good. I say that as fair warning for all games; don’t be like me and buy this game expecting a lot. In fact when I bought it the person who sold it to me actually said "wow someone is actually buying this." Think about it. 

- Todd Johnson

F.

Platform: Sony PlayStation 2
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 2004
Developer: Namco
Publisher: Namco

    When I describe Katamari Damacy to someone, I tend to get blank stares. It’s understandable, really, considering the premise of the game. You are the Prince of the Cosmos, a little green creature only a few centimeters high, charged by your father the King of All Cosmos with the task of fixing the stars in the night sky. You see, he got a bit drunk and accidentally destroyed them. So you take your katamari, a wad of something apparently very sticky, and begin rolling up things on earth to create new stars.

    It’s one of the more original games to come out in a long while, as well as one of the trippiest. It is also extremely fun and addictive. You start out rolling up small objects: coins, dice, etc, and before you know it mice and cats and humans and enormous squid are sticking to your gigantic katamari. In each level you are given an objective. Usually your father the King tells you how big the katamari needs to be and gives you a time limit to complete your task. Other levels involve recreating the constellations in the sky. These stages are variations on the general theme of rolling everything up into a ball: to recreate Pisces, for example, you need to pick up as many fish as possible. Taurus requires that you pick up one cow: the largest one possible. Some of the stages are difficult, but not maddeningly so.

    The controls are about as simple as you can get. The analog sticks are used together to roll the katamari. This controls take a little while to get used to, but not because they they poorly designed. Rather, it just takes some time to understand how the katamari rolls. It is quite nicely done: when you pick up an oddly shaped object, such as a sunflower, it can cause your katamari to roll strangely. Overall the control scheme is very well laid out, and there is a tutorial level in the beginning of the game that allows you to get used to them before you embark on your quest.

    The visuals in Katamari Damacy are somewhat mixed. On one hand, the designs for the objects are very stylized, with blocky animals and people and simple textures. The colors are extremely bright, which fits the mood of the game well. On one level the objects in the world are bland, but the world is absolutely teeming with things to pick up. The best part about the visuals in Katamari Damacy is the way the game continues to scale larger and larger as the katamari grows. People you pick up will struggle rather ineffectually within the confines of your massive wad of junk, and even when your katamari grows to such epic proportions that it can pick up buildings, you can still see the little people struggling to get free. One moment you’re in the town picking up pineapples and fish, and before you know it you can pick up skyscrapers and islands. The scale of the world is quite impressive, even if the objects can be blandly designed.

    One of the best parts of this game is the sound. The music is, quite simply, amazing. The opening tune is catchy and upbeat, and the soundtrack is full of strange Japanese rock and pop. With lyrics like "I know you love me, I want to wad you up into my life/Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky", you just can’t go wrong. The sound effects themselves are pretty fun. Objects make interesting noises as they are picked up, and humans scream or laugh. The principal of a school threatens you with detention. These sounds can get repetitive, but the music more than makes up for it. And no one can deny that rampaging around a city while thousands of people scream as they and their homes are devoured by the ravenous katamari is a good time.

    For all of its fun, Katamari Damacy is a short title. I would have liked to have had more mission-type levels in the game. To simply play through the game does not take long at all. Once you beat it, there are a few extras to unlock to extend the experience, as well as the desire to beat your previous score. There is also multiplayer to, but it is also somewhat lacking. The developers could have done a lot more with this feature. It would have been nice to have different modes of competition, and to have different places to compete. The multiplayer is obviously not the main draw of the game, and it is a nice extra, but nothing special. Still, for twenty dollars you can hardly go wrong with Katamari Damacy. It is the kind of game you can pick up and play for 10 minutes or a half hour at a time and feel satisfied. If you’re a fan of quirky and simple games, this one might be for you. 

- Casey Levine

* Scores given by guest reviewers are not officially endorsed by GameCola.

V.  

Justin Walden's Top 10 Favorite Video games

10. GoldenEye 007 (N64): I was trying to think of some N64 games that could be on this list and this was the game in my collection I went back to more than any other. Who doesn't want to be James Bond? The game is challenging, but not impossible. The soundtrack gives it that classic 007 feel and it's a great multiplayer game. This game resurrected the FPS genre and made people think about what a shooter game could be. Just thinking about this game wants me to break out my N64 again! Much like Shining Force was reason to buy a Genesis, this was reason to buy a N64.

9. Final Fantasy II (SNES): It's Final Fantasy! Now I like RPGs, but I'm nowhere near to being any good at playing them. But, along with FFIII and FFVII, I think FFII is one of the true classics and my friend and I spent many hours playing this thing. It has a great storyline and it made me want to keep going just to see what happened next. Now that's a great RPG.

8. Age of Empires (PC): Although this game appeared courtesy of Microsoft after the dawn of Civilization (the *other* historical strategy game), this was the one that the spawned countless $20 cheap knock offs you'd see at Kay-Bee Toys or Software Etc. AoE is a real time strategy game involving many of the old world civilizations such as Greek, Babylonian, Persian, and Egyptian to name a few. Includes campaigns where certain goals must be completed, or you can pretty much just duke it out with the computer or another person online until you've killed all their people or captured the Wonder for a certain amount of time. You get to forage for food, chop wood, mine, kill antelopes and elephants, build and upgrade your armies and crush your opponent! What fun! Followed up by Age of Empires II: The Age of Kings, and Age of Mythology. Someday, I'll actually get around to buying a new computer so I can play the copy of AoM my girlfriend bought me last year for my birthday...

7. Grand Theft Auto III (PS2): Ah, the game that sparked a new age of gaming. After the imitators have come along and tried to cash in, the GTA series still rules the roost. But we're talking about GTA III specifically, so stop getting off subject! This is another game that made a HUGE leap in terms of change and quality when compared to the first two sucky GTAs on PS1. I was tempted to try them out just for the sake of seeing where this great game came from, but take it from me, don't play them! It's amazing there *was* a part three considering the poor quality of GTA 1 & 2! It's even more amazing that an instant classic such as GTA III came from them. Playing the story is just an added bonus to this huge city you get to run around in. Steal cars, shoot people, blow things up, fiddle with the radio, have sex with prostitutes... Man, this is my life put onto a game disc! If you haven't played this game, you're really behind on your gaming.

6. Thief: The Dark Project (PC): Yes, it's a PC game, but it's still a video game to me! You might say this sneak 'n' steal classic was the precursor to stealth genre that gave the world games like Splinter Cell and Metal Gear Solid 2... But then you'd be plagiarizing. Garrett is one of the coolest video game characters, in my opinion, of course, and the types of weapons are cool: a blackjack to knock'em out (sometimes it's best not to kill), moss arrows (to creep around silently on metal/gravel surfaces) and water arrows (to TURN OUT THAT LIGHT!!!) among others. It also features a great storyline that continues in Thief II: The Metal Age and the awesome Thief: Deadly Shadows

5. Super Mario Bros. 2 (NES): A vast departure (although a fun look) from the original Super Mario Bros. game. This can all be attributed to the fact that SMB2 wasn't a originally a Mario game at all and was retooled from a Japanese game called Dream Factory: Doki Doki Panic, whereas Japan got the "real" Super Mario Bros. 2. The gaming industry is weird like that. Bowser and the usual enemies are nowhere to be found; instead you get the evil frog king, Wart, and some cool new enemies, all of which live in the Dream World (aka Subcon). Heck, I'd love to see a direct sequel starring the Dream World gang, but since this game is viewed as an anomaly in the Super Mario timeline, I'm sure it will never happen. Did I mention you get to play as Mario, Luigi, OR Princess and Toad? Each character has pros & cons, choose wisely!

4. Shining Force (SG): What a treasure I found when I traded a kid my sucky Genesis Superman game for this! To be honest, I've never defeated it because my friend used a cheap cartridge cleaner and it wiped out the ability for my cartridge to save, but what times I had while I could! An RPG-strategy game, you start with one set character and from there you meet others who will join your Shining Force. And once you get going, the amount of teammates to choose from is huge. And they are all waiting at the Shining Force HQ for you to pick'em. And there is a lot of strategy involved in the battles. The battles are overhead view, and you can only move your characters a certain amount of spaces. So picking the right guys for your team and moving them into the right positions is crucial. This game was a good enough reason to own a Sega Genesis and is also available as a part of Sega Smash Pack Vol. 1 for PC.

3. Contra (NES): Do you remember what buttons to press for the 30 Lives code? I know I don't, and I could never do it either. Always had to have my friends type it in. But you'd need a code like that for this game; one shot from the enemy and you're toast. And you only start with three! But man, how fun was it running through the jungle in that first stage decked out like Rambo and blasting away with your spread gun? Then it all gets crazy when you gotta fight aliens! The "boss" of the game is pretty sick and cool.

2. (Mike Tyson's) Punch-Out (NES): With or without Mike Tyson? Nintendo released a Mike Tyson-less version of Punch-Out in what I seem to remember being in 1989 or 1990. Either version is a great game that can be played over, and over, and over and over again... The only difference between both versions of Punch-Out is you'll either fight Mike Tyson at the end or Mr. Dream. Mr. Dream fights exactly like Mike Tyson, but with lighter skin color and a different head. I, myself, own the "NES Classic Series" version (Mr. Dream) and still dust it off time to time to help Little Mac conquer the boxing world! Try it with the Game Genie to become a killing machine-- never lose hearts and stars (or moons and clovers)! Awesome!

1. Super Mario Bros. 3 (NES): The best Mario game ever! After the different look of SMB2, the third installment got back to the franchise's roots. And it excels, I'll even occasionally pull out my beat up NES to this day just to play this game. Who can resist the wonders of Raccoon Mario? Fly, fly away! 

VI.

    Okay guys, try to bear with me on this one, 'cause it might get kinda confusing.  Starting with the upcoming January issue, GameCola will be running a new contest each and every month.  No more poetry, artwork, or killer captions this time, though -- our forthcoming contests require almost no work at all on your part.  All you have to do is e-mail us and say what your favorite part of that issue was, and you'll automatically be entered to win a FABULOUS PRIZE~! that may or may not have been purchased at a yard sale.

    But that's still a few months off.  Right now, with this issue, we're starting a new contest that will require some effort on your part.  Well, inasmuch as you consider giving us a name for our future contest to be work, anyway.

    Do you follow?  From now until January, I need you to supply us with names for our monthly contest idea.  Something snazzy, like "Mega Man: The Visual Expression", or "Chicken Soup for the Gaming Soul", would be vastly appreciated, because I haven't been able to come up with a good idea yet.

    But never you fear, readers; there's something in it for you.  Whoever can give us the niftiest name for our monthly contest will receive -- in addition to becoming a part of our webazine's illustrious history and receiving an acknowledgement in the contest's inaugural edition -- 

A FREE GAMECOLA T-SHIRT, IN YOUR SIZE!!!

    So get those creative juices flowing, and send your best name ideas to me!

    (Please note: if you've already received a GC shirt, we'll gladly send you you anything else from our CafePress shop that's of equal or lesser value.) 

VII..

Chapter Eighteen

The story so far...

Large Stone Wall: Whooooooooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIII? Whyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIIIII aaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaall?

Narrator Past: The first memories Large Stone Wall has are foggy, at best. There is, of course, more information that could shed some light on the subject, but that all happened before Large Stone Wall’s time, so it won’t be mentioned here. Life is tough like that sometimes, but you must stand tall and work through it, one day at a time, hour by hour, minute by minute, insignificant second by insignificant second. All in the name of making your life mean something, anything in this cold, harsh world. There was an explosion. A big one of magic.

Large Stone Wall: Whaaaaaaaaaat? Wheeeeeeeeeere aaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIIIIII?

Mysterious Magic Man Murray: What?? LOOK at what you did, fool! You hit the wall, and now it talks!

Wondrous Wizard Woman Wanda: ME??? You are the one who cast Magic Missile at me! I merely deflected it with a counterspell!

Mysterious Magic Man Murray: A counterspell that makes WALLS TALK?! What sort of brilliant idea was that?!

Wondrous Wizard Woman Wanda: Oh, as if I knew it was going to bring the wall to life. Harumph, what nerve!

Mysterious Magic Man Murray: Oh, excuse me for thinking that you would actually have some semblance of a clue what your own magic spells do! Heaven’s forbid you actually READ YOUR MAGIC MANUAL before waving your wand around like a mad woman!

Wondrous Witchy Woman Wanda: Arg… What-ever. Just call in the clean up crew to take care of it.

Mysterious Magic Man Murray: Sure. Because calling someone to take care of your messes is exactly what I want to be doing right now. Stu! Wanda the Wrecking Wench has gone and made a gigantic mess again!

Sloppy Sanitation Supervisor Stu: *sigh*, this is a big one. I’ll go get the "Super Deluxe Talking Wall Destroying You-Better-Run-Away-Right-Now-Or-Nothing-But-The-Cold-Sweet-But-Yet-Bitter-Embrace-Of-Death-Awaits-You Formula 9000 Deluxe."

Narrator Past: This gave Large Stone Wall an idea. A big one of genius.

Large Stone Wall: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Narrator Past: And so he ran away, out the door. A big one of openness.

Large Stone Wall: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Narrator Announcements of All Time: In the interest of time, the following will be broadcast in super speed! Woooosh!

Large Stone Wall: -at do I do now? Where exactly should a large stone wall like myself go to collect his thoughts and figure out his next move?

Narrator Past: Juthenbarstowenbevpatsolefsariragon.

Large Stone Wall: Well, it sure was considerate of that captain to take me all the way to this seemingly deserted island, even though I must look like some sort of monster. Hmm, that brings to mind an interesting thought. I have yet to actually look at myself. I should probably get to finding some sort of pool of water so that I may complete the obligatory ugly monster freak looking at himself and realizing just how hideous he is and giving up all hope of living only to find a beautiful woman of some sort who is completely un-shallow and will respect him for who he is on the inside and marry him and turn him into something beautiful because, really, ugly things are unacceptable and must be turned beautiful in the end to get the message across that beauty is on the inside. Just as long as you are not ugly. Where might there be a puddle around here…

Narrator Past: Zzweeeeeepurpurpurp.

Large Stone Wall: I’ve been walking across this island for what seems like several hours delicately seasoned with minutes and seconds… mmmmm… now, and I still have not found a puddle! Ah well, I will just stand in the middle of this path for a bit to rest and get my bearings.

Narrator Announcements of All Time: Super speed is over! Wooshaaaawooooosh!

Render: Augh! We don’t have time for this!! Get out of the way and we’ll let you join us, Large Stone Wall!

Large Stone Wall: Mmmmm… urrrrrrrrr… ohhkaaay yooomaahhhn…

Which Gate Do You Choose?

Back to the Future:

Fan(s) of TGoL: Get back to the main story, already!

Fan(s) of TGoL: I want to hear about Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora’s past!

Fan(s) of TGoL: I want to hear about Rivers Fusion’s past!

Fan(s) of TGoL: I want to hear about Jonathan the Minotaur’s past!

The Past is Fine, Dammit (Enrique)

Fan(s) of TGoL: I want to hear about the Glorious Lord Eric, Grand Master Barbarian Mage of the Third Cave of Hariant’s past!

The Past is Fine, Dammit (Strange Creature)

Fan(s) of TGoL: I want to hear about Strange Creature’s past!

- Matt Gardner

VIII.    

    It's the beginning of the month and that means it's SUPER THUMBS time. Now this edition I will go into games from FOUR different systems, a Super Thumbs first. Also another Super Thumbs first! All of these reviews aren't exactly...glowing?? 

A Boy and his Blob (NES, 1989)

    A Boy and His Blob is one of the first games I can remember playing. I have some fond memories even though it was quite the difficult game! The game involves you playing as the boy with your pet.. blob. The goal is to get all the treasure chests in the underground and the subway as well as gain different jellybeans to feed to you blob and make him do different wacky things! It is a very fun game to just mess around in and not actually do what your supposed to. Collecting treasures is quite challenging as many are grasped in the clutches of death! Once you get the treasures however the rest is easy. Returning the blob to his homeland! Anyways it's some good fun to be had, even if you dont make it that far!

Captain Eric's Super Thumb says.. Thumbs UP

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Crossroads of Time (SNES, 1995)

    Now video games based off TV shows or movies are never really any good. I know that this may be changing nowadays but, back in '95 it was very much true! As with most Star Trek games they have lousy graphics and complex gameplay that wasn't all that entreating. You control Sisco the captain of the station through side scrolling missions throughout the station, I suppose with intent of saving the world or somesort. It took me countless tries and continues to get through most this game and I just didn't walk away satisfied at all!

Captain Eric's Super thumb says.. Thumbs DOWN

Tecmo Super Bowl (SNES, 1993)

    Tecmo football games were always my favorite even back when they had the fake teams. They are simple and very easy to learn games but can also provide some challenge at higher difficulties. Winning the actual Super Bowl in this game was not easy and actually felt like an accomplishment. The game itself is quite enjoyable. It offers a season mode and lets you track your stats. Big plays like long runs or interceptions are also easy to come by. GOOD TIMES.

Captain Eric's Super thumb says.. Thumbs UP

Onimusha: Warlords (PS2, 2001)

    This game has some good concepts in it. The fighting is fluid and while not easy at first it is learnable and you can get into it after some practice. One thing that bugged me was the backgrounds and surrounding areas just always seemed out of place and the camera would get stuck a lot. The colors were also dark and it made it hard to see. Now I never actually made it through this game all that far because well.. my chair sat down on the disc and it broke. Now if that was intentional or not isn't actually known .. wink wink.. but it was an ok game, nothing all that entreating though.

Captain Eric's Super thumb says.. Thumbs DOWN

The Simpsons: Bart vs. the Juggernauts (GBO, 1992)

    Simpsons games! There is like what, six billion of them? A few of the are good but lots are just junk made to sell. I have quite a lot of this junk laying around too! Now this is a Game Boy game and it's pretty much just a bunch of minigames stuck together. You go through these minigames collecting. Some of these games are actually fun; some are just painful and leave you begging for it to just end! Overall the experience isn't something that would bring you back and for me, it was one of those games you play a few times and then just sits somewhere and collects dust. Lots and lots of dust.

Captain Eric's Super thumb says.. Thumbs DOWN

    Well that's all for this issue but be sure to check in next month for the ALWAYS SPECTACULAR January issue that will be featuring one amazing edition of Captain Eric's Super Thumb Feature Presentation. 

- Eric Regan

IX. 

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (PC) vs. The Oregon Trail (PC)

    I had a bit of trouble coming up with a topic for Versus Mode this month, inasmuch as I haven't actually been playing any video games lately; but I believe the subject I've conceived is a worthy one.  A battle between two titles many of us were raised on -- I know I can't be the only out there who spent much of the third grade not doing any actual third grade work, but glued to the screen of an ancient-even-by-early-nineties-standards personal computer, traipsing the United States in search of an unidentified criminal, or dying of malaria in the middle of Utah.  For this reason, I found it reasonable to stray from GameCola's video game norm and present to you something I like to call:

THE BATTLE OF THE PC GAMES THAT KEPT ME FROM LEARNING THE TWELVES' TIMES TABLE

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (PC): You may not be aware of this, but there's actually a new Carmen Sandiego game available for all major consoles.  From what I gather, though, it's much more akin to a tomb-raiding game than it is to the string of classics that taught me where Rio de Janeiro is located (South America).  To be honest, I don't even know if the game I played in Mrs. Caputo's third grade class (New Jersey) was indeed "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?", and not "Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?", "Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego", or "Seriously, Where in Tarnation is She?", but it's not like there's any major differences between the games.  Besides maybe Math Blaster and the game I'm to mention next, Carmen Sandiego is one of few "edutainment" titles that actually remembered that "tainment" part -- this game is actually fun to play.  You search all throughout the world (Milky Way) in search of clues as to who thieved an important monument, typically something like "The Statue of Liberty", or "The World's Largest Mastodon (extinct), and where this thief is located.  In all the times I've played this game, the thief has never actually been Carmen herself -- it's always, always, always been one of her henchpersons.  Not that it typically matters, anyway; an unfortunate problem with this game is that nine times out of ten, you run out of time before catching the criminal, or you issue a warrant for the wrong criminal, or the criminal uses the Game Genie code for "escape from that wily Paul Franzen with extreme ease".

The Oregon Trail (PC): The consequences for being a terrible gamer in Oregon Trail are much more severe than they are in Carmen Sandiego.  The worst that can happen in the latter is that you'll be admonished by the head of your detective agency; in the former, the best consequence typically involves being shot to death by Indians.  All is not hopelessly morbid, at least -- once you die on the Oregon Trail, you get to leave a little tombstone on the path with your name and reason for expiration, which you can come across in later games.  (In Mrs. Caputo's class, the Oregon Trail was littered with many such grave markers, which were emblazoned with such clever "names" as "Poop Head" and "Paul Smells Like Tuna".)   I actually completed The Oregon Trail for the first time in my life this past summer, and the only other time I can remember being so proud of myself was when I won the "Dan Miller Birthday Open" golf tournament that was held in my backyard.  Of course, dying isn't all you can do in this well-aged PC title -- you can also cause others to die, specifically, deer, rabbits, and other cuddly creatures.  Purportedly, this is done so that you'll have something to eat as you're traveling past the Grand Tetons, but you always end up murdering more animals than you can carry back to your wagon, you sadistic freaks.

    Both of these games have an absurd amount of replay value, compared to other PC titles of the time (I'm still looking at you, Math Blaster).  With Carmen Sandiego, you gain points with every criminal captured, able to move up in rank with each impressive victory.  (Or at least I assume so -- I've never gotten very far past "Stupid Gumshoe Who Keeps Arresting the Wrong Person".)  With Oregon Trail, the replay value comes with driving along the road and seeing the dispersed graves of pretty much everyone who'd ever played the game on that particular computer.  (Well, the corpses of those people, and then other unfortunate souls whose parents apparently named them "Mrs. Caputo Sux".)  Truth be told, caulking my wagon and buying new axles is more addictive than is interrogating people in Moscow (Russia), so my nod in this all-important battle goes towards the wild west.

     Winner: The Oregon Trail (PC)

- Paul Franzen

X.

This Issues Topic: Ford Racing 2 (MXB)

    College has robbed me of my pride, my joy, and my baby: my car. I love my silver 1999 RAV-4, and knowing that it lies dormant in a garage 300 miles from me is heartbreaking. Occasionally, my mom takes it for a spin to my brother's hockey games, when she doesn't want to put 200 miles and stinky equipment in her own car. In a few months, my brother will undoubtedly put quite a few dents onto it as he learns how to drive. But now, I seize every driving opportunity I can get. Ford Racing 2 for Xbox satisfied my craving for behind-the-wheel time... for the half hour that I was able to play it. Now, one of my favorite games of all time was Diddy Kong Racing for N64, so I was really thrilled to have the opportunity to play another racing game. Little did I realize, there were not many similarities. The car options were amazing. I raced as many different kinds of Mustangs, stock and custom, old and new, as well as off-road trucks. The courses were really interesting, letting you weave in and out of ancient ruins, race up the San Francisco Bridge, go through wooded tracks, or do anything else you could think of. There was a great variety of cars to race, as well, with different ones becoming unlocked as you beat certain levels on the tracks. All in all, I really enjoyed the game. It doesn't require an extensive period of time, so you can enjoy it for a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. I would definitely recommend picking it up! 

- Julie Kozarskyk

XI.

Paul: Hello everyone again, and thanks for inviting us into your computer rooms on this cold December night! I'm Paul Franzen alongside Eric "guys, move back up the screen, I got stuck behind a wall again" Regan, and our matchup for tonight is a bit of a mismatch. Isn't that right Eric?

Eric: Why yes it is Paul! Tonight the fearsome, gruesome ABOMINATION of a man Blanka takes on.. the cute little ape known as Diddy Kong.

Paul: Don't count out the cute little ape though, ladies and gentlemen! Behind that warm and fuzzy exterior sits the mindset of a killer. After all, wouldn't you be bitter if you were saddled in the title role of Diddy Kong Racing?

Eric: Oooh even Diddy is rolling his eyes at the one Paul! Just look at those menacing eyes of Diddy.. I mean look at them! They're HUGE.. uuh er anyway.. there is the bell.. it's GO TIME folks.

Paul: Diddy's starting things off by rolling around in circles around Blanka. That's an.. interesting strategy. I guess maybe he's trying to make the green machine dizzy?

Eric: Perhaps Paul! But Blanka just seems to be standing there staring off into the distance. Diddy's strange techniques dont see to be having any effect at all just yet.

Paul: Looks like he's giving up on that one -- pity, I thought it might work. Diddy's standing in front of the street fighter now, looking up at him from several feet below Blanka's line of vision. What IS that guy staring at, anyway? The tiny ape is now jumping up and down furiously trying to get Blanka's attention, but it just isn't working. Any idea what's going on here Eric?

Eric: Maybe he is longing for his Brazilian homeland?? I am not a mutant freak! Sorry I just dont know! Oh oh it looks like Diddy is finally getting too frustrated! He's making his move!

Paul: And what a move it is! Diddy's jumping into the air and straddling Blanka's head with his legs! I think he's going for a hurricanrana, Eric! But will he be able to topple the mutant freak?

Eric: Wait what's that?! Blanka is GLOWING or something.. it's all over him! Is that smoke coming off of Diddy?? INSANE!

Paul: Oh no Eric... I've seen this move before in various Street Fighter games.. it's felled mightier opponents than Blanka's opponent tonight, such as E. Honda, Ryu, and that weird guy with the stretchy arms.. and I think it's going to claim Diddy Kong as it's latest victim.

Eric: He sure looks out of it.. just laying motionless on the floor... let's go to the ref for.. waitasec!! Diddy.. is.. he's getting up!

Paul: No way! There is no way that this damn dirty ape could have taken Blanka's electrocution move and gotten back up after so little time! How much heart does this Diddy Kong have? Oh.. wait.. it must not be very much, he just fell back onto the mat.

Eric: ONE.. TWO.. he's out cold.. will he beat the count??

Paul: ....TWO AND A HALF... MY GOD, NOW THE KONG REALLY IS GETTING UP!! This is amazing Eric! Will he gain any momentum from this?

Eric: He's jumping straight for the roof! Where does he find such agility!?  That's one AMAZING ape.

Paul: Now Diddy Kong is walking amongst the rafters, plotting his next move, as a very confused Blanka stands around in the squared circle. It looks like Diddy is reaching for something stashed away way up there... I can't see it Eric, can you? It looks vaguely yellow...

Eric: I don't know Paul but he better hope it's something spectacular if he wants to stay in this fight! Blanka is now stomping up and down .. he is not a happy customer.

Paul: I don't think that's going to help Blanka much, Eric! All that stomping is going to do is wear him out.. maybe this is what Diddy's going for? The tiny ape now has what is DEFINITELY a yellow object in his hand -- actually, he seems to have more than one -- and now he's hopping back down to the ring with them.

Eric: Bananas?! How are they supposed to help! Was he just getting his lunch?? I'm just baffled here Paul.

Paul: Those aren't bananas, Eric! They're banana peels, and anyone who's played Mario Kart will tell you how vicious those can be!

Eric: DIABOLICAL! The little ape is setting up a trap for the crazed... crazed green thingy.

Paul: But how will he pull it off? I'm sure that bananas must count as foreign objects.. why isn't referee Marty Jannetty doing anything about this? He sure never seems to be paying much attention to the rules, I wonder where his head is.

Eric: Oh but its too late! Blanka is sliding all over the ring.... OUCH.. OUCH.. OUCH... He just hit THREE different ring posts!

Paul: Come on ref, that ape is showing a blatant disregard for the rules! I tell you Eric, I'm about ready to ring the bell myself; this whole match just reeks of insanity and our fans shouldn't have to stand for it.

Eric: And it looks like he has finally woken up! But will he make the call... most of the peels have fallen off the apron and now all that's left is the triumphant Diddy and one battered beast!

Paul: I surely doubt he will Eric, that dastardly Diddy has knocked away the rest of the banana peels -- there's no way Jannetty will have any idea what happened. Blanka is in a daze right next to that ring post, will Diddy capitalize on this?

Eric: He's climbing up the top rope... TRIPLE SUMMERSAULT and then the splash! That is one agile ape!

Eric: ONE!

Eric: TWO!

Paul: Blanka won't go down that easy, Eric! Somehow the dazed beast is back up on his feet, but he's certainly not in good shape. One more good move on the part of Diddy should be enough to seal up this match!

Eric: But Diddy is still heavily outclassed here Paul! Look at the ease  Blanka just TOSSED HIM STRAIGHT INTO THE AUDIENCE with!

Paul: But he's still huffing and puffing in the ring, Eric; I'm afraid he may blow this whole place down! Ha ha! What are the fans doing with Diddy? It looks like they're.. hoisting the ape atop their heads and gliding him down a path to.. to where?

Eric: Right back into the ring! This match is STILL on and right now its looking like anyone can win.

Paul: Diddy is now racing right towards Blanka.. he's gonna crash right into the misunderstood beast if he doesn't watch himself! Or maybe that's what he wants to do..

Eric: Diddy, racing CLASSIC HAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I crack me up, uh oh well all know what happened last time he jumped at Blanka!  ZAAP.

Paul: We sure do, but does Blanka have the strength to pull it off again? Why yes he does Eric -- there goes the green machine again, creating a forcefield of electricity around him. Diddy Kong skids out of the way right at the nick of time, and now.. it looks like he's just.. laughing at the street fighter?

Eric: Amazing!! how did the small monkeyian pull that off?

Paul: I think it was all a part of his plan, Eric! I think he's doing it to drain the energy of Blanka, and it sure seems to be working; it's not easy to keep that forcefield going, you know.

Eric: That is one pooped out mutant!

Paul: The electricity is dying off now, and Diddy Kong might be about ready to finish off the beast. I would never have predicted an ending like this, would you have Eric?

Eric: I dont bother predicating the EXCITING world of DCW anymore Paul!

Paul: As well you shouldn't, Eric! It looks like Diddy's going for that hurricanrana yet again, and this time he succeeds, bringing Blanka down to the mat, and hard.

Eric: AMAZING!

Eric: The small ape mustered up so much power after all this. It's truly astounding! And there he goes for the pin.

Paul: But wait Eric, I don't think he's going for a pin! He wants to humiliate the poor street fighter by making him tap out. Doesn't Blanka have it tough enough as it is? It's not so easy being green, you know.

Eric: Ooh and a low blow with the Kermit joke, Blanka is being assaulted from all ends tonight!

Paul: Diddy Kong is taking a page from "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair's playbook and locking Blanka into the figure-four submission hold. Will the green machine tap out??

Eric: I'm not sure he can even feel pain at the moment Paul! But only time will tell.

Paul: But he's not going to quit, gamefans! Blanka is inching, inching, inching towards the ropes.. he's almost there, I think he's going to make it! NO!!! Diddy Kong pulled the lifeless mutant away at the last second, and Blanka is laying on the mat, and I don't think he's even conscious anymore.

Eric: How could one little monkey be so cruel! What happened to the noble ape we know and love!

Paul: I think that noble ape was killed off when Diddy Kong wasn't allowed a new, GOOD game to himself. This match is over folks -- Jannetty is ringing for the bell. But let it be known that Blanka didn't give up! He was fighting to the very end; it just wasn't enough to topple the fearsome Diddy Kong.

Eric: Passed out in a Diddy Kong match purely UNBELIEVABLE!

Paul: Oh what, do you think you could do better against the Kong, Eric?

Eric: Hey now, I'm no digital superstar.

Paul: I think you should put your money where your mouth is and step into the right before dissing Blanka for his efforts in this matchup!

Paul: But regardless, that's our show for tonight folks. Be sure to tune in next month when we'll bring you the first ever DCW Battle Royale, straight from the GameCola arena! You won't wanna miss it, I can assure you.

Eric: I can't wait Paul!

Paul: Me either! I'm Paul Franzen and for Eric Regan, goodnight everyone, and happy holidays!

- Paul Franzen and Eric Regan

XII.  

POST-MORDEN 

Metal Slug X, then. Just you (and maybe a friend) against the entire Morden army. But after six missions of pain, you realise that this isn’t quite so one-sided. An entire alien race is looking to enslave Earth. Unbelievably, the Morden have sided with the aliens and the climactic battle is just you against the General – he is commandeering an alien ship. You, obviously, defeat him. But is it over? No! The aliens take the General! They have betrayed their allies! The biggest Mothership in the entire world attacks you! It takes up the entire top half of the bloody screen! The Morden bring you a Metal Slug and help you to destroy it as it throws everything it’s got at you. But you prevail – destroying the Mothership! The General drops down, strapped to a heavy metal slab, and his men rejoice! Unfortunately, the slab falls over and crushes him. And then the game ends. Sheer. Brilliance. 

JUST PLANE AWESOME 

It is about two-thirds through the first level of Contra 3, and you’ve run into a dilemma. The screen won’t scroll any further, and you’re stuck in an area with a couple of platforms and a black background. What the hell? You run and jump around randomly, trying to find a solution. Then a massive fighter plane swoops down and NAPALMS THE HELL OUT OF EVERYTHING. You jump onto the platforms as the entire city burns. And you smile. 

- Stuart Gipp

XIII.

Japanese Pop Band That You Can Listen to While Playing Games With Crappy Soundtracks of the Month:
Puffy AmiYumi

    Now, I’m sure everyone reading this has already heard about Puffy AmiYumi (they are simply called Puffy in Japan, but since some cheesy rapper already sort of had that name here, at one point as in, doesn’t have anymore but they still can’t call themselves it… whatever… they are called Puffy AmiYumi here) because they are uber famous and amazing. For the three or seven people who haven’t heard of them, they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean it. If I had to choose between listening to them and having sliced bread I’d be like "hand me a dinner roll, it's Puffy time!!" Of course, not being able to speak Japanese I can only understand a few choice words of any of their songs. Those being the English words they use. That’s right, folks, some of there songs are in English. They have a whole bunch of CDs, though only around four or so have been released in the U.S. so far. They can also be seen on Cartoon Network on the show Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi, and can be heard performing the theme song to Teen Titans, also on Cartoon Network. The main point of this whole article is that you should be listening to them while playing video games with crappy soundtracks. Their music is upbeat and energetic and perfect for most any type of game… except games that are meant to be down and boring… but you really shouldn’t be playing those, anyway. I have personally played video games with their music playing, so I can say for sure that it is safe and enjoyable for all ages. Captain Matt’s Super Thumb says… Thumbs up to Puffy AmiYumi!! 

   - Matt Gardner

- Graphical Artwork by Eric Regan

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