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Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers, II. Submissions III. Carbonated News  IV. Reviews!        A. Super Adventure             Island (SNES)       B. Shin Megami Tensei (SFC)       C. ToeJam & Earl in Panic             on Funkotron (SG)       D. Christmas NiGHTS Into            Dreams (SS)        E. Pokémon Snap (N64)       F. Dragon Warrior VII (PSX)        G. Harry Potter and the            Chamber of Secrets (GBA)       H. Tomb Raider: Angel of               Darkness (PS2)       I. Buffy the Vampire Slayer:           Chaos Bleeds (MXB)      J. Mario Kart: Double           Dash!! (GCN)  V. Nicht/Züper-Favorite: Your Top       Ten Games VI. Killer Kaption Kontest VII. The Birth of a Forum VIII. Neal is Awesomer Than You IX. The Gates of Life  X. Preserving the Plastic XI. Versus Mode XII. You Learn Something New         Every Play XIII. Advice for the Sensitive         Gamer  XIV.  ... of the Month XV. The 2003 GameCola        Interactive Video         Entertainment Awards  XVI. Loafy Carl New Year's           Spectacular*   *comics interspersed throughout the issue

 

Starring:
Also Featuring: madhair60, Drew Dahrty, Zac Capen, Terrence Atkins, Aaron Waters, Andrew Zintl, Julie Kozarsky, Brian Vanek, Becca Clipper, Jon Abbott, "Wants a Girl With Her Own Controller", "Looking", and "The Devil Made Me Do It"

I. Dear Readers,

    This is it, gamefans.  This is the issue you've all been waiting for: the WrestleMania of GameCola.  Or, if you don't fancy yourself a fan of the fake fights: The Super Bowl of GameCola.  (Not that I'm one to endorse football in any way -- I'm just trying to provide a decent analogy for you.)  This, the January issue of 2004, is the biggest, most important issue of the past twelve months, and you are mere moments away from diving head-first into it.  Are you ready?

    To commence this epic journey into the far reaches of interactive video entertainment (following the submissions and news sections, of course), we've got a grand total of TEN reviews for you this month.  Ten.  The most we've ever had in one issue before this was six.  We've got four reviews written by actual staff members, and a whopping six that were sent to us by readers like you.  Additionally, in a repeat from last year, we've got an extended version of Loafy Carl.  That's right!  Your favorite comic strip is no longer limited to only one appearance in GameCola -- Neal Iannone makes his artistic presence felt SIX TIMES in this issue!  And that's not all!  We've also got biggie sized versions of  "The Gates of Life", "Versus Mode", and "Advice for the Sensitive Gamer".

    But you didn't think we'd stop at just that, did you?  You didn't really think we'd just expand our current columns and call that a GameCola winter spectacular, right?  'Cause if you did... well... you're wrong, you cad!  We're pulling out each and every stop for 2004's January issue.  Allec Johnson is debuting a new column called "Preserving the Plastic", which focuses on the collecting of video games.  Matt Gardner has penned for us a special feature called "The Birth of a Forum", which is the true story of how the Chrono Trigger social board came to be on GameFaqs.   Brain Vanek, better known as "the guy who sent us pictures of his Nintendo watercolors a while ago"  is debuting a new column called "You Learn Something New Every Play", which will discuss the educational value of video games.  And, as if that weren't enough, Chief Justice Jenna Ogilvie is back with a brand new contest!  There's no haikus or limericks this time, readers; this contest is a "caption" contest.  Do you think you're funny?  Can you come up with a clever string of words to place under a humorous picture?  Prove it to us, and you just might win yourself a GameCola t-shirt!

    There's still one huge part to this January issue that I've yet to mention, though I'm sure you all know what it is: GameCola's 2003 Interactive Video Entertainment Awards.  Screw the VGAs!  We actually have some idea what we're talking about.  What video game from 2003 is the most innovative?  Which is the most disappointing?  Who among you is GameCola's "Reader of the Year"?    And, most important of all, what is the "Game of the Year" for 2003?  Read on to find out!

    Enough of my yapping already.  You're not here to read a lengthy "Dear Readers,"; you're hear to get a dose of the Internet's premier video game webazine.  So, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you: GameCola's Second Annual New Year's Awards Special! 

Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net

II. 

Letters:

The (Super Mario Bros. 3) video was made on an emulator, using plenty of savestates and retakes.  It was later edited together using some... editing program.  I think the guy who did it has officially told us that, but I could just be a moron.

- Yeah, I've heard the same thing this month.  I saw a post in a LiveJournal gamers' community I'm in about it.  The post provided a link to a message board post which provided a translated into English version of the "Mario Master's" website; and on that website, the guy said that he used an emulator and all kinds of wacky emulator tricks to make his video.  Ah well.

This is drew dahrty i am calling you out.  You tell me a time and a place where i can beat your head in motherfucker.  Its now or never shit mouth.

- Well then... I guess not everyone's a fan of Wall Street Kid, eh?  No, seriously, I have no idea what this is about.  *shrug*

Artwork:

Here it is!  For the first time EVER... Loafy Carl... IN 3D!  This sculpture was made in my senior year of high school.  It is not based off of any character in particular from the Loafy Carl series, just more of a 3D version of the art style.  It is the only one of its kind, for now, and it finds its home on top of my dresser at home:

III. 

- Neal Iannone

IV.

A. 

Platform: Super Nintendo
Genre: Side-Scroller
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: January 1991
Developer: Hudson Soft
Publisher: Hudson Soft

    Super Adventure Island.  Don't let the name fool you.  The following conversation slice sums up my feelings toward this game quite nicely:

            Vulcan Wieland: this game is not very fun!
            Vulcan Wieland: its very bland and average
            Vulcan Wieland: nothing super about super adventure island!
            Vulcan Wieland: aaaahahaahahahhaahahahahaha
            xthebigp: ahahahahah
            xthebigp: you should use that!!!!!
            Vulcan Wieland: they should call it boring and bland adventure island!                     
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
            Vulcan Wieland:: or HAS LITTLE REPLAY VALUE adventure island!
            Vulcan Wieland:: AAAAAAAAAAAAAahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
            xthebigp: d;lfa;sldfja;sldfjkas;dlfkjas;dlfjkasd;flk
            xthebigp: USE THAT
            xthebigp: WORD FOR WORD
             xthebigp: WITH ALL THE HAHAHAS

The game is more or less a wannabe Super Mario Bros.; and, as with most wannabes, it just doesn't live up to what it was imitating.

    The audio and visuals are nothing new and fancy, just sitting around at the average mark, obviously not helping to liven up or bring much needed excitement to this game.  The controls are also quite... boring.  You move, you throw either a rock hammer or a boomerang, and you jump.  Although they are easy to learn and use, they lack some of the basic features that similar games include.  Most annoyingly, as far as I'm concerned, is the exclusion of the "run" feature.  By "run", I mean holding down a certain button in order to make the character move faster.  Why this wasn't included is beyond me, but it makes the whole game quite... slow.  If the hero would naturally move fast it wouldn't be a problem, but he just plots along at a torturously slow pace.  When you are going up a hill you might imagine a few snails and turtles and sloths and such racing passed you, if you catch my drift.  In a few levels this is remedied by the addition of a skateboard, but unfortunately it only lasts a short time (as the levels are quite short), and if you don't expertly maneuver yourself around enemies and obstacles, it will be an even shorter time.  

    Unfortunately, this poor attempt at a Super Mario Bros. game includes some of the less than wonderful elements of the legendary series.  The main less than wonderful element I am referring to is the inclusion of everyone's favorite type of level... the water level!  What could be more fun than swimming (pressing a button repeatedly so you don't sink to the bottom of the screen and die because obviously bodies of water do not actually have a bottom and instead have a pit of despair) around as slow as can be avoiding monsters that can generally move about 60 times faster than you, since they are built for swimming?  Of course, this game's controls do wonders to make the water level and even less fun place to be.  Despite the fact that it may be difficult to avoid some of the obstacles or enemies in this game, it is not very exciting.  It may be exciting to run around quickly trying to jump here and there avoiding all kinds of things coming at you, but plodding along at a tree's pace and trying to avoid a handful of tropical penguins does not capture the same feeling.

    Note: This element does not serve to make the game any better or worse than it already is, but it interesting to note that in order to defeat the final boss in this game, you have to stand under him while he jumps up in the air, and make him land on and eventually break through various platforms so he falls to his doom.  Is there any other game that has something similar happen?  Hmm... I can't think of anything... except maybe SUPER MARIO BROS. 3.  Ha.  Proof.  This game IS a crappy rip-off of Super Mario Bros.  Anyway, back to the review.

    The fact that this game is not very fun to play makes it even less fun to replay.  In fact, I cannot honestly say that I believe most people who play this game will actually play through the entire thing.  You may get the urge someday to play it again, but you are sure to be quickly reminded of how not fun this game was the first time you played.

    If you are a big fan of this type of game, you may get some enjoyment out of it, but, again, it doesn't stand up to other games in its genre.  This game comes an entire generation after the original Super Mario games, but it still can't hold a candle to them.  This just goes to show you that increased graphical quality cannot make up for decreased quality of gameplay.  By now this game is probably about four cents at your local GameStop or EB Games, and although it may be worth the price, it probably isn't worth the effort of getting up and going to the store just to get it.  If you are picking something else up and happen to see this, whoopie.  If not, don't bother.  If you really want to play a game like this, just go with Super Mario. 

      - Matt Gardner

B.

Platform: Super Famicom
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: N/A
Developer: Atlus
Publisher: Atlus

    Ah... my first GameCola review.  This should be fun.

    Shin Megami Tensei is a game that never came to the US (perhaps not even out of Japan) due to a little bit of xenophobia in the game and a lot of "occult" themes.  Lucifer, Demons, God, and other such garbage that crap like Xenogears has used to make big bucks are all in there.

    So you're probably wondering what the hell Shin Megami Tensei is.  It's Super NES (Super Famicom in Japan) RPG.  No, it isn't a BAD SNES RPG that had religious themes thrown in at the last minute (see; Chrono Trigger).  This game is right up there with Treasure Hunger G and Final Fantasy V (damn good games).

    Anyway, enough of this ass-kissing.  Shin Megami Tensei owns.  You start off wandering through a hazy maze.  (You'll go through mazes for the majority of the game; it takes place in the first-person view).  After a bit of automated wandering, you meet a giant stone face that asks what your name is.  After talking to him, you meet a guy on a crucifix and a guy with a demon on him.  After that, you meet a girl named Yuriko.  Then you wake up.  (IT WAS ALL A DREAM.)

    Shortly after waking, you receive an e-mail.  The e-mail is... odd, at best.  It claims that the world will soon be overrun by demons of old.  To utilize their power, the writer of the message attaches a Demon Summoning program.  Thus begins your fight.

    Speaking of fighting, Shin Megami Tensei's battle system is better than most.  Upon engaging an enemy, you don't have to fight.  You can run (which is an actual action; you run back one space) or even converse with the demon.  Upon engaging combat, the main character can attack with a sword (most of which are knives early in the game) or gun (which you can get rather early, but not use due to the fact that you need ammunition), use your computer to summon a demon, defend, or use an item.  You other comrades can't use a computer, so they have magic.

    I'm sure I mentioned before that you can talk to the demons.  Anyway, if I didn't -- well, you can.  You can talk to them to the point of convincing them to join you, unless you're stupid (literally).

    You see, various things play a role in this game.  You've got the typical RPG stats (HP, Strength, Agility, etc.), Moon Phase and Alignment.  If you don't pay attention to these stats, chances are you won't get very far in the world of Shin Megami Tensei.  I'm guessing you already know what the basic RPG stats do, so I'll outline the unique features of this game:

Moon Phase: Something that makes this game truly unique is the Moon Phase thingy.  The phase of the moon affects random things.  Some demons are more willing to join you on certain moon phases, and on a full moon, demons ignore you entirely.

Alignment: There are to alignment axes: The Dark-Light axis and the Law-Chaos axis.  In the game, these two axes play a very important role.  Conversation with other people, what kind of weaponry you can equip, and what kinds of demons you can summon are all affected by your Alignment.

    This game also presents something other games don't have these days: moral ambiguity.  There isn't some idiotic "good vs. evil" bullshit here.  Instead, you are presented with the views of two factions: The Mesians and the Gaians.  The Mesians believe strongly in the word of law and that if everyone followed it, there wouldn't be any problems.  Good shit, eh?  Problem is, if you don't believe in their god, they'll kill you.  And the Gaians are also pretty cool.  They think that people should be free to do whatever they want, not bound by laws, but rather by chaos.  The downside is that with no laws, there would only be survival of the fittest, natural selection, and fuckloads of violence.  Plus, the Mesians and Gaians hate each other.  I don't think there is a way to impress either group while joining the other.  Pretty lame, eh?

    But wait!  There's a third faction: the Neutral guys.  They don't have a name that ends in "ians", but they're still okay.  They believe that ideas from both factions should be used, on a case-by-case basis.  Pretty open minded, eh?  The bad news is if anyone goes toward either extreme, they've gotta go.  I personally go with these guys not because of my beliefs, but because I like being able to summon lots of different demons, and I get more experience due to me killing both factions (oops, pissed 'em off).  The MAJOR downside of Neutrality is that you have to try really hard at it.  It's easier to conform than to go the way of the underdog in this game; you're oftentimes presented with situations where both sides attempt to woo you with their brainwashing bullshit.

    If that isn't complicated enough, you can also fuse demons with each other in this game.  (You can even fuse them with swords.)  Don't worry though, the process was thought out quite well, and you'll probably get it down in about 30 years (inside joke -- you'll get it if you play the game).

    Another thing that was thought out quite well was the music of this game.  You won't get the boring tunes of Breath of Fire 2 nor the... oh, who am I kidding?  There are only three songs that I like: the Battle Theme (RAAAWWWWWK), the song in the Kongokai, and the... uh... no, that's it.  Only two.  The rest are mostly ambiance/mood adjusters.  The rest of the songs lend to the environment like they should but... there are only two songs that I like!  FFX has twice as many, and I haven't even played the damned game (due to my ban on all FF games past VII).  At least the sound in this game works.  Guns sound like guns should, sword slashes are slightly convincing, magical flaming death/psychic waves/magical lightning bolts casted at enemies sound like what magical flaming death/psychic waves/magical lightning bolts should... etc.

    And the controls... well, they aren't THAT bad.  You turn left using Left, you go forward using Up, you turn right using Right, and you do a 180 with down.  At times they're a -tad- unresponsive, but that could be my controller.  Then again, this game is more strategic and slow-paced than most RPGs where you can equip the Red Mail and a Hit Ring and beat Giga Gaia with Frog only at level 16. (CHRONO TRIGGER SUCKS BALLS.)

    Speaking of Frog, he's ugly and stupid.  Ozawa could kick his ass.  You don't know who he is?  THEN PLAY SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI, I CAN'T EXPRESS THIS ENOUGH.  THE GAME IS REALLY DAMNED GOOD. 

    ....Sorry.  Anyway, the people in this game look like actual PEOPLE.  The demons... well, they're ugly inherently.  The artists did a good job portraying many mythological creatures, although the game suffers a bit from the cookie-cutter syndrome.  I've seen a lot of palette-swapped enemies and places that look the same, but that's the price you pay when you pack so much goodness into a game.  If anything, I like this game because it doesn't have that "style over substance" credo that CerTain (NOTE THAT LETTERS C ANT T ARE CAPITALIZED.  COULD THIS BE SOME KIND OF HINT?) other games have.  This game is the real deal.  

    Yes, Shin Megami Tensei is a game that can safely be called the best damned game EVER.

    At least until Shin Megami Tensei 2 gets translated, anyway. 

C.  

Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Side-Scroller
# of Players: 1 - 2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: June 1993
Developer: ToeJam & Earl Productions
Publisher: Sega

The world goes black and white.

The funk is leaving Funkotron!

Earthlings are running amok!

The Funkopotamus has hid!

Whatever will we do?!

    Of course, to our rescue come two funky teens, named ToeJam and Earl, of course.  They must capture all the Earthlings in jars, and lure the Funkopotamus out of hiding with his favorite stuff, in hopes of the funk returning to Funkotron.  Sounds like a pretty full agenda, if you ask me.

    This game is downright funky.  To say it any other way would be almost disrespectful.  This sequel to a smash hit, ToeJam and Earl, incorporates a completely new plot, many new concepts, characters, and, of course, keeps the funk alive.

    My favorite part of this game is its amazing multiplayer mode.  What puts this multiplayer mode far above the rest in its time period is the way it is executed.  All it is is two main characters completing the regular game and fulfilling the regular storyline.  Doesn't seem so spectacular, does it?  It is.  This concept is so simple, yet so many games smash a single multiplayer game in for the sake of being able to be labeled as multiplayer.  This, however, is a true multiplayer game -- perhaps one of the best I have ever experienced.

    As funky as this game is, if you've just completed level four, and level four happened to be rather hard for you, I doubt you'd want to go back and play it again.  This is where, theoretically, a password system would've come in handy.  However, if you didn't write down the password, which can be easily accessed from the pause screen, your game is lost.  Granted, it's your own fault if you didn't obtain the password.  But, say you were very diligent and wrote down the latest password as soon as you got it.  You still lose part of your game.  The way the password system is set up, only every other level has its own password.  Therefore, your password would be to level three, not four.  A minor inconvenience, yes; but I think it could've been done better.

    (I must add here, though, that many Sega games at this time did not even have a password system, or ANY way to access your saved games.  So kudos to the TJ&E team for adding that in.)

    One of the biggest things absent from this game is THE PRESENTS.  True, the presents are present; they just weren't present like the presents from the previous game.  In other words, they were there, gave you points and some items (coins, super jars, etc.); but the whole present system, with different items from each, using them to get through levels, identifying what each package gives you, etc., is not there, and is greatly missed.  However the view of the game (side-scrolling) probably wouldn't have allowed the present system to work well if it was included.

    Another thing not included from the previous game is the rank system.  Contrary to the presents, this system could have worked quite well in the side-scrolling view.  Don't ask me how they would decide when you get promoted, but it would've been enjoyable had it been included.

    As expected, the music is funky and makes you want to beat box your way through the whole game.  The controls are extremely simple and easy to learn, and the graphics create a really imaginative, nearly crazy atmosphere that you would imagine Funkotron has.  All these things and more add up to the fact that, even after all of those times I have played it and beaten it, I want to go back and play ToeJam and Earl in Panic on Funkotron again.

    I would like to dedicate my closing to the wonderful people at ToeJam and Earl Productions, Inc. for bringing us such an amazing game.  In the words of Lewanda, "Get down with your bad self!"      

D.  

Platform: Sega Saturn
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: K-A - Kids-Adults
US Release: December 1996
Developer: Sonic Team
Publisher: Sega

    Demos are usually never reviewed because they are never the whole package, but Christmas NiGHTS is different.  Christmas NiGHTS is a demo of the game NiGHTS Into Dreams that has been revamped and crammed full of yuletide goodness and fun little extras.  Besides that, Christmas NiGHTS is one of the only demos to my knowledge that is a collectors' item.

    Imagine that you're out with your best friend, shopping for Christmas presents in your town, and something's fishy about the Christmas tree in the middle of town square.  There's no star at the top!  That's the problem Claris and Elliot, the two main characters of Christmas NiGHTS, face.  Randomly on their night on the town, they bump heads and go into a dream state.  A mutual figure that appears in their dream named NiGHTS and helps to resolve this Christmas tree dilemma, helping to get back that star.  To view the ending of this tragedy, you must finish through both characters' dreams.  It's odd, but it works for the game.

    Christmas NiGHTS has a simple but fun style of gameplay consisting of racing around, collecting ornaments for your Christmas tree, and flying through rings to get a high score.  It really doesn't seem like much, but remember that Pac-Man was also really simple and it ended up being an addictive and challenging game.  As a side note, I suggest getting a 3D controller for the Saturn because of its analog stick; it'll make loops and maneuvering a lot smoother.  It's still manageable with a regular controller, though.

    Along with the basic level play, Christmas NiGHTS gains ton of replay value due to its plethora of unlockables, called presents, to go with the whole theme.  They range from image galleries and minigames to trailer clips and even karaoke.  You have to unlock these by playing the matching game that comes after completing the playable level and defeating the boss.

    When I first started playing Christmas NiGHTS in mid-2003, I was literally amazed.  Given the time this game came out, it had top-notch graphics.  There's no slow-down, the colors are vibrant, and the animation is insanely smooth.  It is definitely a visual feast to behold.  Also, the detail within the levels is a sight to behold, because every pixilated inch of the scenery has a holiday feel.

    The only thing I find to be mediocre is the sound.  Although the implementation of Christmas music is a nice touch, I think the soundtrack could have had some beefier dynamics with the music; but it doesn't detract from the game.

    If you have access to this or just NiGHTS itself, I suggest that you give it a try.  It shouldn't disappoint with its addictive gameplay and enjoyable theme, unless you're some sort of Grinch. 

- Allec Johnson

E. 

Platform: Nintendo 64
Genre: Photography
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: 
US Release: June 1999
Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo

    Pokémon Snap is, as its title might suggest, a Pokémon game.  Unbelievable, I know.  But its not just any Pokémon game; no, it's a Pokémon game where you capture Pokémon!  How does that make it different from other Pokémon games, you ask?  Because you capture the Pokémon on film, hence the "Snap" in Pokémon Snap.  While it might seem like a rather boring concept at first, it is actually quite amusing.  Just cruising along, snapping pictures of Pokémon, trying to get them to perform special poses for bonus points.  Okay, it might be a little boring when I say it that way; but trust me, it's not.  You do not just sit and click away happily.  You take an active role in obtaining the perfect picture by using various items to manipulate the Pokémon into coming closer, falling unconscious, or dancing.  Yes, even dancing.  Watching some of these Pokémon dance is sure to make you laugh with glee at such a ridiculous sight.

    The game's music is definitely not awe-inspiring.  However, it does fit the scenery.  The sounds of rushing water on the river rapids level, mostly natural type sounds fill the speakers and your ears.  Frankly, it drove me nuts after about five seconds of the repetitive sounds.  Now I know why I don't go camping that often.  And why I don't like the area where I live, with all the crickets chirping constantly.  AHH!!!

    Control is average for an N64 game.  A little annoying at times, but good.  There's not much else to say about that.  This game really shines in the visuals department.  Granted, the whole game is a little cartoonish, but that fits the Pokémon style quite well.  And the Pokémon are amazing.  Watching a giant Kangashkan roar at you, the spray of water as a Magikarp evolves into Gyrados and bursts out from behind a waterfall, the quizzical look on a Sandslash as it cocks its head at you and gives you puppy-dog eyes.  And let's not forget dancing Meowth and dancing Snorlax.  All of these games make you feel like you're right there with them.

    This game is guaranteed to give you hours and hours of fun.  Trying to get that perfect shot with a great pose by the Pokémon.  And trying to see all of the different ways you can affect the Pokémon with items.  Of course, once you see all of these things, they will quickly grow old.  And don't forget that with the right accessories, you can even print your photos, if I remember correctly.  Just don't ask me what you need to do it, 'cause I don't know.  It should be enough for you people just to see your pictures on the television. 

F. 

Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: November 2001
Developer: Enix
Publisher: Enix

    I came into ownership of several new games this summer.  The Sims, Hook, Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color, Ape Escape, Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, Spyro the Dragon, Dragon's Lair II, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, WCW vs. nWo World Tour, and LEGO Racers were among those chosen to be a part of my illustrious collection.  However, only one of the games I purchased over the summer had any real staying power.  Only one of the games I purchased over the summer did I play almost every day.  Only one of the games I purchased over the summer did I log over a hundred hours into.  That game, as should be apparent by my rather trite introduction, is indeed Dragon Warrior VII for the original PlayStation.

    What makes Dragon Warrior VII so special?  Why would I play it for so long?  And, the obvious question: What could possibly make Dragon Warrior VII better than the video game version of Hook?  Just keep reading my review (I know  it's hard -- we've got about nine-thousand reviews in this issue) and ye shall see.

    One thing that should jump out to the current-generation gamer is the publisher and developer of this game: Enix.  Yes, before the greatest merger in the history of video games, Square and Enix were two separate companies.  This game, or rather the entire Dragon Warrior series, is Enix's compliment to Final Fantasy.  Anyway, enough of a history lesson.  I'm three paragraphs into this game and I haven't even said a thing about it yet.  So let's get on with it already!

    Dragon Warrior VII is one of the better RPGs that I've played for PlayStation.  (I'd place it somewhere between Legend of Mana and Chrono Cross, the other two PlayStation RPGs I've played.)  It's story is this:  You are a fisherman's son, and from what you can tell, you live on the only island that exists in the entire world.  Your little island is made up of only a handful of locations: Fishbel (your home town), Erstad (a castle), and some ruins towards the east of the island.  After wandering around the island for a while with your friends Kiefer and Maribel, you picked up this mysterious "Landshard".  You then meet some crazy old man who tells you to visit the ruins, so you do that.  After exploring the ruins for a lengthy amount of time, you put your shards on a pedestal and are transported back in time to an island you've never seen before.

    Just getting to the point where you start time-traveling takes roughly two hours.  No joke.  And that's not two hours of kicking monster ass and saving princesses and whathaveyou -- you won't fight a single battle for at least two hours.  The whole time I was playing that part of the game I kept checking the instruction booklet to see if there even were any battles in this RPG.  I guarantee if you play the game you'll be thinking the same thing, but trust me -- this game has battles.  Lots and lots and lots of them.    

    Well, maybe it's not so much that the game has a lot of battles as it is you'll be forced to partake in many battles.  Perhaps if you used a GameShark to max out the stats of all your characters you won't have a problem breezing through the game's many bosses; otherwise, you're looking to spend a LOT of time fighting baddies to raise your levels.  I once spent, no joke, TEN HOURS leveling up for just one boss.  Ten hours!  During that time I managed to read through most of a book (Running With the Buffalos by Christopher Lear), so at least it wasn't too much a waste of time; but it's rather ridiculous that you have to spend so much time engaging in boring little battles in order to just beat one guy.  

    That aspect of the game really kills its replay value.  I feel satisfied having beaten the game after spending some one hundred hours playing it, but it's not something I'm gonna want to do again any time soon.  There are some bonus levels at the end for you to play, but they're easy to miss -- and if you don't catch them after you beat the final boss, the only way to go back is to beat the final boss again.  That's not something you're going to feel up to doing for at least six months after beating the game.  A new game+ mode, like that featured in Chrono Trigger, would have helped this game's replay value immensely

    But I'm getting ahead of myself; I never finished discussing the game's story.  After traveling back in time to this unknown island, you find that the main town there is having some major problems.  Monsters have taken away all the town's children and wives, and the only way for the town's citizens to get them back is to tear down all of their houses.  You, being the spunky set of intrepid warriors that you are, agree to help.  Assuming you are successful in this adventure, you travel back to your home and find out that a new island has been discovered in your world -- an island that looks suspiciously like the one you just came from.   Indeed, after solving the island's trouble, it came to existence in your time.  Funny how that works out, eh?  Anyway, you find more shards, put them on more pedestals, visit more worlds with other problems, and the whole point in this game is to recreate the world that once was.  There's also something in there about defeating the Demon Lord, but you don't have to worry about him too much until the second disc :D.

    As you look at the screenshots I've so generously provided, I'm sure you're stuck with the notion that this sure doesn't look like a PlayStation game.  Truth be told, this game's graphics could easily have been implemented in a Super Nintendo title.  A game this long could never ever have been done on Super Nintendo, but it's graphics sure are inferior to Final Fantasy VII -- heck, they're even inferior to Secret of Evermore.  But, as I've been telling you for a long time, graphics don't matter.  And I actually like this game's visual representation.  This is more a matter of taste than a matter of quality, but I've always preferred the SNES quality graphics to those of your typical Sony PlayStation game, so bah.  Most gamers probably won't appreciate this game's appearance; but oh well, those people suck anyway.  

    I may not have made it apparent so far in this review, but I actually did enjoy this game a lot.  Despite it's enormously time-consuming battles (hey, I got some reading done anyway), the storyline isn't half bad.  Not all of my time playing the game was spent leveling up, y'know.  A lot of it was also spent talking to people in towns and discovering little unimportant nuggets of plot that aren't really necessary to advance the story, but are still fun to know.  Plus, I've been a sucker for time travel ever since I first saw Back to the Future, so this game was right up my alley.  Will it be right up yours?  I honestly can't say.  If you're someone to give up after a mere fifty hours of gameplay, you'd might as well not even bother with this game.  There's no way you'd be able to complete the whole thing.  As for the rest of you: if you don't mind the SNES graphics, then go for it.  You may not like it more than you liked all these new-fangled Final Fantasies; but if you pass up on Dragon Warrior VII, you're passing up on a pretty good game. 

- Paul Franzen

G. 

Platform: Nintendo GameBoy Advance
Genre: Adventure
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 2002
Developer: Eurocom Entertainment
Publisher: EA Games

    If you are like me, you are most likely the sort of person who starts playing a video game with the best of intentions.  "I will beat this game!" you swear, gritting your teeth in frustration.  But just as you think you've mastered the basics, something new and confusing is introduced and you're back at square one.  Sound familiar?  Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for Game Boy Advance is the perfect game for you.

    "But this game was manufactured for six-year-olds!", you argue.  Exactly.  When you can finally forget that this is the case, it is a marvelous self-esteem booster to defeat the basilisk at the game's finale.

    If you're a Harry Potter fan, you'll love this game simply because you can live out the book.  The game follows the storyline very closely, beginning with the Weasleys rescuing Harry from the Dursleys' house.  It continues to Diagon Alley, where you must make your way to the vault in Gringotts and get wizard money.  Gameplay is simple and easy to control; enemies are defeated and secret objects are revealed with spells learned throughout the game.  No fancy maneuvers are necessary as spells are cast with one button and selected through the "select" screen.  It gets slightly annoying to scroll through the options screen if you have to continually switch spells in a mission, but this is rare because the game is so simple.

    The general object of the game is quite self-explanatory if you know the story.  As Harry, you attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, hanging out with Ron and Hermione, exploring the school, playing Quidditch, and going on sneaky side missions.  Most things that you will do, however, are related to the ultimate goal: uncovering the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets.  It is definitely fun, especially since your frustration meter is virtually nonexistent.  Smooth sailing all the way.

    Graphics appear to be decent.  They are clear, if a little dark at times.  Audio as well is merely average -- nothing exemplary.  Essentially, the game delivers little more than uncomplicated fun.  I don't know if it would be worth playing again, as it was so easy the first time, but one never knows.  It provided a few hours of good entertainment during lag time as a camp counselor this past summer, as well as scoring me instant popularity points with the first graders.  If that's your thing (Michael Jackson, anyone?), check this game out. 

- Julie Kozarsky

H. 

Platform: Sony PlayStation 2
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: June 2003
Developer: Core Design
Publisher: Eidos

    When most people hear about a new Tomb Raider game, they say things like "Not another one!", "What's the point?", or just simply "Why?".  But there are some people, like me, who can't wait for it to be released, and camp outside of the store over night, just to be the very first person in the store.  I didn't do that, but it crossed my mind.  I bout the game on the first day it was out; I was going to see "The Hulk" with my friends.  During the whole two and a half-hours of the film, I was thinking about what my newly purchased game would be like.

    Lara Croft is running from the police because she is a suspect for the murder of Werner von Croy.  Meanwhile, a serial killer known as the Monstrum is striking in Europe.  Lara must evade the cops while discovering the identity of the Monstrum.  She must also stop a cabal from collecting the Obscura paintings.  They will use them in hope of resurrecting the Nehalem.  

`This story takes you to many fun environments.  Lara jumps roof to roof in Paris.  She does acrobatics in an old rave club.  She visits a sanitarium, the Lourve, and a tomb that is VERY far below the surface of the Earth.  There is even a level for all four elements.  When the final boss is defeated, you are left with a brief ending (I'm talking seconds).  Even though that left me with an empty feeling, seeing the trailer for the new Tomb Raider movie cheered me up.

    Lara's voice actor is about the only decent one in the game.  The others just sound like they are rushing the sentence.  There are some conversations in the game where you can choose what you want to say.  This adds some interactive variety to the game.

    The controls in the game freaked me out at first.  Circle is jump.  For the past six years, square was jump.  Now they switch square to roll.  I found myself rolling off of many buildings.  It took me a while to get used to the new controls.  They should have added a control menu so classic Tomb Raider fans would be happy, and whoever wanted R1 to pull out your guns would also be satisfied.

    The graphics in the game are smooth.  The levels and characters are detailed very well.  Rooms are scattered with tables, chairs, and paper.  The tombs appear realistic.  If you look back through the series, Lara look s a lot better now than in her days of triangle tits.  She has also changed her look.  She no longer wears the tight turquoise top with the short brown shorts.  She has changed into a tight black shirt with a denim jacket and blue jeans.  Her ponytail now flips over her shoulder as a real ponytail would.  To some of us game freaks, that makes a big difference.  

    This game can be played again if you enjoy it.  I am playing it for the second time right now.  There are alternate paths to take.  For example, I am now entering a building from the basement instead of the back door.  Nothing major happens, but you can choose which road you want.  It gives the game a realistic feel that way.

    Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness is best labeled as an exploring game for true adventurers.  This isn't the best game of the series, but it is still fun.  You need to be patient in some levels.  In other levels you might need help.  In a Yahoo! group for Tomb Raider, I guided many people through levels.  I love to explore and that is why I love the Tomb Raider series so much.  I recommend this game to anyone that likes to journey into the unknown. 

- Brian Vanek

I. 

Platform: Microsoft Xbox
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: October 2003
Developer: Eurocom
Publisher: Vivendi Universal

    So it's Christmas morning.  You and your siblings are gathered around the tree, and your parents are smiling and sipping their coffee as they watch you.  You reach for that wonderful video game shaped package and quickly rip off the wrapping.  It's!.... Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds?

    Even as a long-time BTVS fan, I had my doubts about this game.  It's hard enough to find a live-action movie turned into a successful video game, let alone a successful WB hit TV show video game (who would ever want to play "The Adventures of Dawson?).  Yet this game quickly shot me down and had me gaping in awe.  In a nut shell, the game is fun, challenging, accurate to the show, and just overall kick-ass.

    The basic storyline of Chaos Bleeds is your long time foe Ethan Ryne, takes you and your five friends as "Champions" to fight The First, in order for Ethan to gain some sort of absolute power.  These five friends (actually you, being one of the people means you actually have four friends with you, but believe me it will all make sense in due time) are the playable characters of the game.  The majority of time spent playing the game has you playing as Buffy, but at times you will be switched to dark slayer Faith, neutered vamp Spike, good witch Willow, and absolutely useless Xander.  As am added bonus, at times you will play as Sid, the living ventriloquist dummy; and despite the freak out factor, this is a fun character to play with (being knee-high and all).  The look of these characters does give justice to the real-life actors (at least when compared to the shame that's shown in the first Harry Potter game).  The voice actors they have also sound just like the real thing.  These small details go unrecognized if you only happened to watch the show once or twice.

    The game, despite its cheesy teen show origin, is a very challenging game.  At times I would find myself running around a room for hours trying to get through a locked door... only to find out that I had to run outside, into the backyard, and fall through a glass ceiling in order to get into a room.  If a very helpful gaming magazine didn't have a walkthrough of the first three levels, I most likely wouldn't have been able to get into the Chaos Bleeds state of mind.  This really isn't a game to pop in just to brutally slaughter vampires; you can't get through a level without thinking real hard.  It's still good for the actual slaying; you beat up vampires with a slew of cool moves before taking your weapon of choice and "staking" them.  You even get to see them poof into dust!  This game is a real noodle-scratcher with a nice coat of beat 'em up fun.

    The game is set up in levels where you have to complete a certain objective.  The objectives all tie into the main storyline and you have to finish the level to get anywhere else in the story.  The frustrating part of Chaos Bleeds is that you also have to finish a level in order to save; if you quit the level you have to start from the beginning again.  Since most of these levels are fairly difficult you must have to have a minimum of an hour to commit to the game per level, unless you want to lose the progress you made.  Then again, once you've figured your way that far though the level, you know what to do, and can make your way through it again easily.  Luckily, each level has check points throughout it so you don't have to start right from the beginning of the level if you happen to have your blood sucked dry.

    If you really don't have the time to commit to story mode, then there's also a multiplayer mode,  where you and your various buddies can select an unlocked character of choice and kick the poo out of assorted demons.  You can also fly solo through these multiplayer modes in order to strengthen your skill with a character or just pass a few quick minutes.

    All in all, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds is an underrated game that is disregarded because of the TV show linked with its title.  Trust me, it's worth your time to pick it up and check it out.  Just call it The Beat Up Vampires Game instead if it makes you feel better.  Go, do it now! 

- Becca Clipper

J. 

Platform: Nintendo GameCube
Genre:  Racing
# of Players: 1-4
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 2003
Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo

    Nintendo was intending on making a new Mario Kart game soon after the success of Mario Kart 64, but wanted new hardware to be able to bring it a new feeling of life.  Nintendo's GameCube was the hardware they were waiting for, so they decided to give Mario Kart a new look along with some new twists.  Some of these new twists are great assets to the game, while others just drop it significantly.

    Mario Kart: Double Dash!! for the Nintendo GameCube is the latest installment to the quirky little Nintendo racing genre.  There are some things that set this game apart from its predecessors, and I'll focus on the good first.

    The new Mario Kart now puts two characters on one kart.  Each character has a specific weight, light/medium/heavy, and you can mix and match any pairings.  This allows for great flexibility.  Lightweights have a high acceleration, but heavyweights are more stable on the course.  Having different weights on different parts of the kart can also change things up; for instance, if you have a lightweight driving with a heavyweight in the back, be ready to be swerving a lot because your weight is in the back of the kart.  Each character has their own special ability as well.  Bowser and Bowser Jr. have giant spiked Bowser shells that slam everything in its wake while Baby Mario and Baby Luigi have an enormous Chomp Chomp that drags them across the track, eating everything in its path.  You can combine characters for unique combinations of specials that help with strategy in racing.  

    The racing is really easy to learn, just like the old games, and its a lot of fun.  There are still four different cups (Mushroom/Flower/Star/Special) and three different difficulties (50/100/150).  The AI as you get into the 150 difficulty takes a huge leap up and is rather challenging, and I like that.  The old jump was replaced with a newer and, in my opinion, improved slide technique.  Just as in the old 64 game you can charge this slide up to give you a boost.  In fact, I've become all about those blue sparks that you make at full charge.  This is a great party game for the masses to play, and it even supports LAN hookup where 16 people can play -- 2 per kart.   This alone makes it a must have for those partiers with a 'Cube.  Co-op is a new and great feature that takes tons of teamwork.  This is a feature that needs to be kept because it adds a whole new element to the game and may just be its greatest asset.

    Now for the bad news.  The graphics make this game look like a bunch of wax figurines..... I'm not into that.  Plus some of the voices are plain annoying.  Sure it was fun to hear Baby Mario go "Weeeee!" as his Chomp Chomp passed you going "Chomp Chomp Chomp", but it gets old... fast.  And also if I hear Daisy say "Hi I'm Daisy!" as she passes me one last time I will flip out!  Remember how awesome battle was in Mario Kart 64?  That sure was a lot of fun, wasn't it?  Well it's here in Double Dash.... and it sucks!!! The adrenaline rush you got in battle on the 64 version just isn't here in the new one, even with its three different types of battle modes.  There are four standard battle tracks, and all of them feel like they were made half-assed.  There is a cookie level where you drive around on a cookie, which is obviously a rip-off of Big Dounut.  You can't even fall in the middle.  The new Block City is, guess what, one freakin' floor.  There aren't any arenas to go up or down on and it's just so bland.  I could go on but let me tell you flat out: the new battle mode is a waste of time and it plain blows.  Now for my problem with the karts.  Sure, they look cool, but this was a go-kart game... what happened to the go-karts?!?!  They thought it would be neat to give every character their own unique car, and it feels more like Mario Soapbox Derby than a Mario Kart game.

    All in all, this is one hell of a fun racer, and it is even more fun the more people you have.  The racing is an improvement from 64 but the battle is a major step down.  Bring back the old go-karts and the same intense, fun battle, and this game will be back into its prime.   

- Geoff Osman

(3)

- Neal Iannone

V.

Your Top Ten Games

VI.

    Yes, my dears... it is time again for another one of GameCola's infamous contests.  Except, this time we're changing it around a bit.  This is a caption contest, devoted readers.  Our fearless leader, Paul Franzen, and I, just a lowly subject, have supplied the lot of you with a quasi-funny, pseudo disturbing picture with a few characters in it.  Your task is to give each of these eternally silent characters words.  Fill in the speech bubbles for each of these characters... and try to make it amusing, please.  

    You can enter as many times as you wish; just make sure you send all submissions to jogilvie@gamecola.net... we don't want Paul, or any of the other elite staff members, bothered with my little contest, now do we?  The winners will be announced in the April issue, so you kids have a full two months to think of your brilliant entry.  There will be a grand prize 2nd, 3rd, and honorable mention awarded, so there are many chances for you to score the oh-so tantalizing prizes we always offer.  

    So get on it already, and happy captioning!!  

- Jenna Ogilvie

VII.

    The following is The g50's account of the events which, directly or indirectly, led to the creations of the Chrono Trigger social board at gamefaqs.com.

    It all began years ago when a young lad by the name of Pupitre decided to have a little fun with the people on the Chrono Trigger message board.  For those who aren't aware of the rules of the GameFAQs forums, the rules that are most relevant to this tale are: You cannot make any off-topic posts on a non-social board (in other words, you can only talk about things directly related to the game which the board refers to), and you cannot impersonate another individual in any way.  The fun Pupitre decided to have bordered on the edge of off-topic, so it wasn't too uncommon for him to get his messages moderated (deleted), and he even was placed on probation (which means you can only post five times an hour and can't view certain boards) at least once.  He found it funny to see the reactions of the "hardcore" gamers on the board when he pointed out just how stupid sounding and boring all of the topics on the board were.  Truthfully, there were very few interesting people on the message board at this time (or ever), so his observation was not unfounded.  

    One character in particular, called AnotherGamer, was particularly irritated by Pupitre's disregard for the rules of the forum.  After a good deal of harassment, AnotherGamer decided to just up and leave the message board, huffing about immaturities and such.  The board became increasingly boring for Pupitre as such people left, so he decided to enlist the aid of his good buddy in order to liven things up.  This friend was none other than The g50.

    The first appearance of The g50 was in his most infamous post, "How do you unlock Lucca?".  Lucca is a character that joins your party v