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Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers, II. Submissions III. Reviews!       A. WWF Super             WrestleMania - SNES       B. Dragon: The Bruce             Lee Story - SG       C. Last Bronx - SS       D. Final Fantasy X - PS2       E.  Super Mario              Sunshine - GCN IV. Züper-Favorite: Your      Top 10 Games V. Chicken Soup for the Gaming       Soul: A Haiku Contest VI. Versus Mode VII. Gates of Life VIII. Advice for the Sensitive        Gamer

 

Starring:
Also Featuring: D-Rod, Unhappy Reader, Jeremy Stock, Rick Franzen, John Swiderski, Stephen Leacock, Steven Barnaby, "Mario", and "Little Wang, Big Potential"

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I. Dear Readers,

     So I purchased my own birthday gifts this year.  I asked my parents if I could get a Game Boy Advance SP and a game to go along with it, and they agreed.  I ordered them off of Amazon.com, and at the same time, I purchased three games (The Sims [MXB], Magic Pengel: The Quest for Color [PS2], and Super Mario Advance 3: Yoshi's Island [GBA]) with the gift certificate my brother had gotten me for graduation.

    I told my parents what game I got, and why I chose that game in particular.  I chose the GBA game "Disney's Magical Quest Starring: Mickey and Minnie".  I chose this game because it is the port of a Super Nintendo game I played way back in the day.  I had obtained  this game from a local movie rental facility, then brought it home and played it for several days.  It was a difficult game for me, but I got quite far in it -- to the very end, in fact.  Right before the boss.  It took me a long time to accomplish this feat, and I was proud of myself.  Unfortunately, at the time I reached this point in the game, it was too late for me to stay up any longer, and my parents made me go to bed.

    My dad when to watch the television after I had been tucked in.  He turned the TV on, and all he saw was my game.  He then turned the game off, because he thought he needed to in order to watch Cops or This Old House or whatever old fogey show happened to be on at the time.  So my game was over.  Magical Quest has no save game feature, at least none that my ten-year-old mind was aware of.  All of that progress, all of that time, that frustration, that mental anguish and glee... lost, because my dad effed up.  

    So it amused me to no end that I would make my parents buy this for my birthday.

    I told them what they had purchased me, and the reasons behind its purchase, making a big deal out of the game and how traumatized I was by my dad's error.

    The G-BASP came in the mail a few days prior to the most recent events.  I opened the package up, not knowing whether it was a birthday gift or a graduation gift.  Upon discovering that it was a birthday gift, I promptly handed it over to my parents.

    I saw nothing of any of my graduation gift games for several days.

    So one day, both Yoshi's Island and Magical Quest came in the mail.  I showed them to my father, and he had no idea which was the one he was giving me, despite my telling of the long-winded background story.  I shrugged this off (my parents are as bad at remembering things as girls are at video games), and took Yoshi's Island up to my room.

    I came back downstairs, and told my mom about Magical Quest coming in.  She also showed no sign of recognition, but rather had a worried look on her face.  "Is 'The Sims' yours?", she asked me.

    I said, "yes, it is."  She went into her room, brought out my Xbox version of The Sims, and handed it over.

    As it turned out, The Sims had come in several days before this, but my mother had taken it to her room and was going to wrap it up, because she thought it was a gift she was giving me, despite my long-winded background story on the game she was giving me, and despite that I said she was getting me a game for the system she was getting me.

    Parents -- they just don't listen, do they? 

   Love,

Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net

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II. 

Letters:

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Hey Paul,

    First, you're a punk.  But besides that, kudos to the revamped site.  I like the colors, the scroller, and the staff section.  Speaking of which, since Jenna is the self-proclaimed Mortal Combat slut and it's her job as Chief Justice to answer questions: Who is better in bed, Sub-Zero or Scorpion?

- D-Rod

- Allow me to introduce Chief Justice Jenna Ogilvie to address your concerns, citizen D-Rod:

"First of all, I'd like to publicly mock, ridicule, and condemn you for your use of the C in Combat.  Clearly, Mortal Kombat is always spelled with a K, as is every other important word that begins with a K within the game, hence the Krypt, Kurrency, etc.  ::sigh:: the mistakes of mere Mortal Kombat mortals.  However, your small slipup shall be forgotten, as you have asked a VERY worthy question.  Clearly, Sub-Zero is better in bed than Scorpion.  Even though I do possess a shirt with Scorpion emblazoned on the front, I will have to go with my all-time-favorite character and proclaim to the world that Sub-Zero has the ways to make a woman very, very happy.  You want any more details?  Get a porno mag.  And keep thinking like you do, I enjoy it thoroughly."

Hope that helps you out in life!

-----

Drat,

    It was cruel of you to let us think there was a new Ghostbusters game coming.

- Unhappy Reader

- Yeah, well.. heh.  It was all just a stunt to see how realistic the mock-up cover was, really.  You see, Editor-in-Chief Paul Franzen wanted to do a "Dear Readers," on how cool it would be if there were to be a brand-spankin' new Ghostbusters game.  To go along with this awesome article, he forged a cover for thie pipe-dream of a game in Adobe Photoshop.  He showed this creation to Associate Editor Matt Gardner, and he thought it was real.  So Paul wanted to see if anyone else would.  Looks like you fell for it, eh?

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Hey Paul, 

    Just got your latest e-mail but I can't access the latest issue of GameCola.  I don't know if you mentioned anything about it in the last issue (bad memory), but I keep getting a username and password box whenever I go to the site.

- Jeremy Stock

- Oopsie.  Yeah, for a brief time (I think maybe just one morning.. could be wrong), you needed to login to the site in order to read GameCola.  A mere technical foul-up on the part of the Editor-in-Chief.  If anyone else got this message, rest assured that your favorite online gaming magazine is still open to the public!  I hope this hasn't caused too many sleepless nights for all our fans out there.

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Who in the blue hell is Kevin Leacock, Feature Editor?

And can I subscribe without a Yahoo e-mail address?

- Rick Franzen

Keep up the good work!  The magazine is really coming along nicely!  Hey, is the Feature Editor Kevin really some crazy old guy?  :)

- John Swiderski, Mean Hamster Software

- Firstly, yes, you can subscribe to anyy to GameCola with any ol' e-mail addy.  So if you're reading this now, and you don't have a subscription.. what's taking you so long?  GO GET ONE ALREADY IT'S FREE!!!  Just click the thingie on the top bar that says "Join Now!" and you're ready, Freddie!

    Secondly, Kevin Leacock, Feature Editor, is the author of our nifty monthly column "Versus Mode", in which he compares two or more similar games and determines which is the better.  Since his lazy bum took so long to provide a picture for us to use, we had to make do with what we could find.  I wish he were a crazy old man, though... are there any out there who want to work for GameCola?

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Artwork:

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"Gamer's Hell"

"Pac Puke"

- Stephen Leacock

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This is a paper-maché Luigi mask I made in like.. 6th or 7th grade art class.  Man, did I give up a fruitful career in sculpture or what?

- Paul Franzen

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Back to Index

III.

A.

Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Fighting, Pro-Wrestling
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: N/R
US Release: February 1992
Developer: Sculptured Software
Publisher: LJN

     Haven't you always wanted to don the tights of pro-wrestling legend Typhoon?  Yea, me either.  They wouldn't fit, for one.  For two, he sucks.  But you can do just that in WWF Super WrestleMania for Super Nintendo.  Yes, you can live out your dream of being obese and jumping on people in front of thousands of screaming fans.  Doesn't that make you wanna prance on over to GameStop right this very second and pick up this game?  Boy, I sure hope it doesn't.

    Of course, Typhoon isn't the only character you can play as in WWF Super WrestleMania.  There's perennial favorites like "Macho Man" Randy Savage, The Undertaker, and Hulk Hogan, and even perennial crapheads like "Psycho" Sid Justice.  While a sports-entertainment fan might get excited at the mere prospect of being able to wrestle as Jake "The Snake" Roberts, what really matters to everyone else is the awesome sports-entertainment action.  Too bad that part was left out of this game.  

    You have the choice of either one- or two-player gaming, and having made your decision, you then choose to engage in either a one-on-one, tag-team, or Survivor Series bout.  One-on-one is obvious enough.  Tag-team involves you and a partner of your choosing against two randomly selected opponents; one of your characters wrestles at a time, and you can "tag" out to your partner if your energy bar is low.  If your energy bar is too low, your opponent can "pin" you, thus winning the match for his team.  The other way to loose is by being outside of the ring for more than ten seconds.  Don't ask; it's a wrestling thing.  Survivor Series is like a tag-team match, except that each team is composed of four members instead of two, and each of the four members must lose in order for a team to win.

    So that sounds all well and good, right?  An average wrestling game that won't cause any severe damage, right? 

    Wrong.  WWF Super WrestleMania is about as subaverage as wrestling games go.

    The controls are the chief portion of this game that make it so unbearable.  First of all there's no pause button, but that pales in comparison to the rest of the game's faults.  Each wrestler has the ability to punch, kick, grapple, headbutt, etc. -- all of the standard moves for a wrestling game.  But Sculptured Software omitted all the supercool fancy moves like the "Tombstone Piledriver" and "The Million Dollar Dream" , leaving us with several different superstars who all have the same bland moveset.  It's kind of like the WWE now, except with not so many titties

    But that's not the worst of it.  In addition to not having any fun moves to perform, the controls are sluggish, like a wet sponge.  You push the button and slowly, ever so slowly, your grappler punches the air where your opponent previously had been before seeing that you were about to punch him and moving out of the way in the minute or two that it took for your character to perform the punch.  The controls make the game positively anti-fun.  On the plus side, the cartridge features large men in various stages of undress, so if makes for an attractive wall-hang if you're in to that sort of thing.

    Accordingly, the game has virtually no replay value.  You can barely get through a one-on-one match without hitting that wondrous power button; Survivor Series matches take a truckload of testicular fortitude to play through in their entirely once, let alone multiple times.  Basically, you just sit there and let your characters be defeated so that you can finish this horror of a game and engage in a more pleasing activity, such as hitting yourself repeatedly in the head with a copy of Bruce Campbell's autobiography, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor.  When the match is over, you're given the option to have a rematch.  Maybe there's a special spot in hell for people who kill innocent sheep where they're forced to endlessly select the rematch option.  That's the only use for it I can see.

    The game does have one small thing going for it -- a detail left out of today's wrestling titles: the referee is there in the ring with you, keeping the match under his supervision.  Unlike latter SNES wrestling titles, however, you cannot hurt him.  What's the point of his presence, then?  Half the fun of WWF Royal Rumble is smacking this zebra until he falls down unconscious!

    The graphics of WWF Super WrestleMania are better than expected, and the music and sound effects aren't painfully bad, but nothing can make up for the game's atrociously slow-working controls.  If you want a wrestling game, get WWF No Mercy for N64.  If you want a SNES wrestling game, get WWF Royal Rumble.  If you want naked men, hang WWF Super WrestleMania up on your wall.  Just don't play it, okay?  Promise?  I'll be your best friend.  Okay, good.  BFF!! 

      - Paul Franzen

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B.

Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Fighting
# of Players: 1-3
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: May 1995
Developer: Virgin Interactive
Publisher: Acclaim    

    When most people think of Kung-Fu movies, the first name that comes to mind is Bruce Lee.  I wish the same can be said when it comes to actors in video games.  Dragon is another one of those mediocre titles that make the blockbuster very lackluster.  I would only recommend this game to people who really need to kill some time.

    In Dragon, you play as the Kung-Fu master busting some heads to get a chance to kill The Phantom, a grim reaper type of guy in a samurai get up.  WHOOPIE!  The levels consist of one-on-one and one-on-two battles.  Then you have training levels, to hone your skills, thrown in every once in a while.  It's fun for the first matches, but then you quickly start to get pissed at how the difficulty of the battles is unbalanced.  Once you lose the three lives you are allotted, you get a chance to gain another three by holding your own in a short battle between you and The Phantom himself.  Though unique, it quickly gets annoying when you just want to continue trying to fight the last enemy that ripped you apart.

    The actual story around this game is just as vague as most fighting games, so it's nothing really surprising.  All you are doing is just going around fighting just to find out more information on the Phantom's location.  It's nothing to go into deep detail about, since there isn't much from the start.

    The multiplayer aspect of this game is fun for a little while.  The only crappy part is that the only character available is Bruce Lee.  I sure love variety when it comes to fighting games... The modes for the multiplayer aren't bad.  You and a friend can go through the story mode as the Bruce Lee twins where at the end of the fight, there can be only one left standing.  It's also possible to let a second victim join the mind-numbing joys of this game in a three-way battle to the death.

    Fighting in this game tends to appear one-sided from first glance with only a handful of moves from the beginning.  It is not the case once you start building up what is called your Chi bar to a reasonable level; this is done by putting those few moves to good use.  After the bar has been raised enough, you can change your stance from Mantis Mode, your normal stance, to fighter mode, a faster stance with no blocking ability.  The moves and fighting methods are altered to vary the experience.  Later on, when you've acquired more Chi, you can use his last stance, Nunchaku mode.  Bruce breaks out the nunchaku to show the enemies who's boss.  It sounds so cool in theory, but it ends up being an uneventful attempt at adding more to a less-than-interesting game.

    The graphics aren't the best thing on the Genesis, but they won't make you want to spork out your own eyes.  I would have liked to have seen a little more vivid colors since everything leans on the dull site.  The music is along the same lines as the graphics: dull, boring, and monotonous in presentation.  The sound effects don't seem like there was much of an effort in their development.  It was as if someone took an old Casio keyboard and recorded the sounds off of it; yuck.

    The game is good for a laugh if you have nothing better to do, but I would suggest pretending to be Frogger at your nearest highway for an hour before wasting a precious second trying to get any decent playability out of this title.  Sorry Bruce, maybe another game my friend. 

- Allec Johnson

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C.

Platform: Sega Saturn
Genre: Fighting
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: September 1997
Developer: Sega
Publisher: Sega

    Last Bronx is one of those fighters that had the unfortunate fate of falling through the cracks.  It is probably one of the better arcade ports within the fighter genre.  It only has a few shortcomings, but they are easily overlooked once you are dragged into the great gameplay.

    As with all fighters, you have a story that usually doesn't offer much for anyone looking for an awe-inspiring tale.  Last Bronx's tale is similar to Jet Grind Radio's with feuding gangs in Neo Tokyo at each other's necks.  The only difference is that a gang called Redrum is calling out all of the key members within the gangs of Neo Tokyo.  You have to play as those members trying to hold their own.

    Last Bronx offers very good arcade-style gameplay.  The moves are done on a simple P, K, and G (Punch, Kick, and Guard) button system.  All you have to do is put together basic moves and combos using those designated buttons on the controller.  The moves are responsive and easy to pull off, allowing for plenty of intense fights between you and a friend.  The AI offers a moderate challenge and obviously can increase in difficulty accordingly, but you never really feel too bogged down inn its difficulty due to the simple control scheme which makes it every accessible to most beginners, but it won't make the most seasoned gamer shy away.

    This title offers most of your run-of-the-mill gaming modes such as arcade mode, VS, Saturn mode (story mode), survival, and time attack mode.  Saturn mode has a cool little extra at the end that caught my surprise.  Instead of getting some basic movie or some text to tie up the story, you receive a short little anime based upon the character you used.  Each one is done notably well.

    As for graphics, Last Bronx will surprise most with the model design, textures, and frame speed (60 frames per second).  For its time period, these graphics easily beat out most games of the early 32-bit era.  Along with the astounding graphics, the animation and movement of the models themselves are along the same lines of the newer games out, being very fluid in presentation without any slowdown in the graphics.

    The music is the only thing that makes me opt for  Kenny G album *shudder*.  Then again, most fighters in general come with lame soundtracks that go along with it.  It isn't the worst, but it sure as hell isn't the best.  Other than the lacking music, the sound effects are well done with the average grunts, screams, and tiny phrases -- always a winner in most cases.

    Overall Last Bronx is a perfect port of its arcade predecessor with some extras.  As with most arcade games, they are only meant to grab your attention for short spans at a time.  But as with those same games, when they are well done, they can easily grab your attention again and again. 

- Allec Johnson

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D.

Platform: Playstation 2  
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: December 2001
Developer: Squaresoft
Publisher: Squaresoft

     If it's a final fantasy, how come it's like the third/seventh/tenth one?

    I don't know people, I just don't know.  The title does sound slightly contradictory, but if that's all that is keeping you from playing the game... GET OVER IT.

    The tenth installment to the Final Fantasy series really breaks new ground.  FFX is to FFXI what FFVII was to FFVI.  In laymen's terms, FFX rocks.  Fans of the Final Fantasy series and newcomers to the RPG genre will both find this to be an enjoyable game.  My humble writing skills can do about as much justice to this game as a bag of moldy rutabagas.

    The basic, dumbed down plot of the game is that you, Tidus, a superstar athlete from Zanakrand must save the world.  He finds himself thrown a thousand years into the future, in the land of Spira.  "Sin", as the gargantuan sea monster that plagues the land is known by, is your main foe.  A plethora of wild animals, crazed zealots, and magical beings stand to annihilate you at each step of the journey.  Of course, without these minor nuisances you would never be able to grow powerful enough to destroy Sin.

    Some things stay true to the Final Fantasy mold.  A cast of seven characters makes up your final party, and each character has certain arms and armor which they alone can use.  The typical magic spells of FF history make their return with new animations and stunning graphics.  Summon monsters also make an appearance in the form of "aeons".  Of course, the random encounters are still in place to help build up your abilities -- a necessary evil.

    While some things stayed the same, FFX breaks away from the typical cast in many ways.  Gone are the days of experience points.  Instead, points are earned towards your sphere level.  With each sphere level, your character is allowed to move one space on the sphere board.  A gargantuan maze of stat bonuses and special abilities, that can be activated by the plentiful orbs earned by defeating enemies.  The function of the summons has also changed as well.  Instead of the powerful one-hit attacks of previous games, the aeons now take the place of your party when they are summoned.  They use regular attacks and magic spells just like the normal characters.  Their true power lies in their Overdrives -- the abilities that charge up as battles are waged.  When fully-charged, the aeon can unleash a powerful attack against all that stand in its way.  One other new feature to FFX is the ability to switch out party members during combat.  Three characters enter combat, but if you find yourself in need of an ability that your current characters do not possess, a few quick button presses finds a new party member in the fray.  These are all but a few of the new features that make FFX a pleasingly original game.

    Final Fantasy has always been known for eye candy, and FFX certainly does not disappoint.  Spell effects, summons, and the story building cutscenes are all incredibly beautiful.  There is never a dull moment in the land of Spira.  The towns you visit and the lands you venture through are all gorgeous, in the tropical setting of this world.

    FFX marks the first Final Fantasy that has full voice acting.  Every word spoken by the main characters can be heard as well as read.  This goes for normal conversation, cutscenes, and the CGI movies.  While interesting, this marks one of the weaker parts of the game.  The quality of the voice acting could have been a lot better, with a few of the characters' voices being a bit grating on the ears at times.  An abundance of "ooooo's" and "aaahhh's" are found in the dialogue, and do get a bit annoying at times, especially when everyone in the party has to get their two cents in.  It doesn't affect the game that badly; it's only during the longer scenes that you find yourself getting a little antsy.

    Despite a few minor flaws, FFX holds true to the Final Fantasy legacy of quality role-playing.  It provides a grand adventure that the player can spend many an hour laboring through.  Side quests, minigames, and other optional tasks will keep the player busy for quite a while after playing through the main quest.  Definitely pick up a copy if Final Fantasy or other RPG's have pleased you in the past, and I would highly recommend picking it up even if you have never experienced the series before.  It's a must have game. 

     - Brian Wolf

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E.

Platform: Nintendo GameCube
Genre: Adventure
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: March 2002
Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo

     The Isle Delfino is in trouble!  The normally pollution-free paradise is now covered in sludge!  The citizens are in an uproar!  Entire buildings have disappeared!  And to top off matters, ALL THE SHINE SPRITES HAVE GONE MISSING!! To whom can the peaceful island dwellers turn to in their time of need?  To Mario, who has conveniently arrived on the scene!

    Mario had been hoping for a peaceful vacation with the Princess, but wound up getting more than he bargained for.  The moment he steps on to the beautiful Isle Delfino, he knows something is wrong.  Maybe it's the fact that he just met a talking power washer named F.L.U.D.D., or the fact that he just battled a 10-foot sludge covered piranha plant, or the fact that a starburst shaped demon popped out of the ground and informed him to collect all 120 of his brethren.  Of course, there's also the small thing of him being arrested and being put under island arrest.  Oh yeah, and this is all being caused by an imposter with a magic paintbrush.

    Super Mario Sunshine certainly is an interesting game.  It harks a little bit too much back to Super Mario 64, with all the running around and collecting, whether it be Shine Sprites, or coins, or different kinds of fruit.  It adds a unique aspect to the Mario engine, which is blue coins.  For every 10 blue coins. you get a Shine Sprite.  Rather predictable, yes, but what did you expect?  A ticket to the all night salsa dance in Club Flamenco Domingo?

    In order to add a generalization into this review (just because they are fun to do), I'm going to clump replay value, sound, and graphics into two words: nothing special.

    The graphics are rather cartoony, and though fun to look at, are, as stated above, nothing special.  The sound is tropical, and easy to listen to, but it just gets tuned out after a while.  Because it also as, as said previously, nothing special.  There is very little replay value.  I beat it once, explored the one new area, and haven't picked it up since.  There's just no motivation to beat it with 120 Shine Sprites unless you're one of those people who likes to fully complete a game in every aspect before picking up another one.  Because, you guessed it, the replay value is nothing special.

    One of the best aspects of this game is definitely the plot.  Though extremely weird, this is one part of the plot that I particularly like.  WARNING: SPOILER AHEAD.  IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SPOIL ANY PART OF THIS GAME, EVEN THIS TINY PART, SKIP ON DOWN. When you finally rescue Peach from "her son", Baby Bowser (don't ask, just play), it zooms in on his magical paintbrush.  The logo on it is the same logo on the F.L.U.D.D., namely, the logo of Professor E. Gadd.  He also made the Poltergust 3000 in Luigi's Mansion.  Let's see... that's two gadgets for the good guys, and one gadget for the bad guys.  I see a deeper plot line running here...

    But the worst part about it is that there's no resolution to that part of the cutscene.  It never tells you about why Professor E. Gadd sold the magical paintbrush to Baby Bowser.  Maybe the Professor thought Baby Bowser was Mario.  Or maybe he wants to make money from selling to both sides.  Or possibly Baby Bowser stole it. ....hmmm... or maybe that's what the 120 Shine Sprite ending explains...

    Super Mario Sunshine is an okay game.  The controls are solid, like in all the Mario games.  It will keep you occupied for many hours, and is very fun.  But, to be blunt, it is not nearly the best game for 'Cube out there. 

- Kyle Ogilvie

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IV.
Your Top 10 Games

Steven Barnaby's Top 10 Züper-Favorite Games
Jackson, MS

10. Spot Goes to Hollywood (SG): The totally kickin' soundtrack of this Genesis mega-title really makes it seem like you're right there in Hollywood, man.  Even if you don't like the gameplay (which you probably won't, given how it sucks), you'll rock out hardcore to the music!

9. PilotWings 64 (N64): Dude, you so can get shot out of a canon while playing this game.  And -- get this -- you DON'T die!  Wowwie!  I haven't experienced an experience so exhilarating since the time I got to drink my very first can of beer.

8. Monkey Island 4: Escape From Monkey Island (PS2): I'll concede that the series kicked way more butt on the personal computer, but you've just got to give some mad ups to Guybrush Threepwood.  This game would rank higher on this here list if it came with a mouse and didn't use the cruddy control scheme that it does.

7. Ice Hockey (NES): I have yet to see the game of hockey so accurately represented in video game form since the NES's Ice Hockey.  Haha, only kidding!  But seriously folks, it's pretty fly how you can have an entire team of fat people, isn't it?

6. Tekken 4 (PS2): Heh, I'm just all about the fourth game in series, aren't I?  I haven't actually played any other games in the Tekken series, but my sister has informed me of their sucktitude, so I'll trust her opinion.  It would make sense for this to be thee best Tekken game, anyway -- it is, after all, the most recent.

5. John Madden Football (SNES): Oh yeah, the very first Madden game.  Not as complicated as latter ones in the series, which makes me happy.  As a big, big plus, this game has the best version of the Atlanta Falcons that has ever existed.

4. Darius Twin (SNES): What a kewl shooter!  You and a buddy fly through space in rocket ships shooting at stuff that's shooting at you.  It's pretty difficult, but me and my closest friends enjoy Darius Twin a lot.

3. Clayfighter 63 1/3 (N64): The only fighting game that I like more than Tekken 4.  The animated clay is so realistic that it gets me aroused, and the snowman is especially cool.  Come on, why hasn't there been a next-gen sequel to this utter classic yet?

2. Bad Dudes (NES): Okay, so I haven't played this game yet, but my friend assures me that it's "totally rawkin", so I'll take her word for it.  In my opinion this is the grand-daddy of all RPGs, and I doubt any grandson has risen up to dethrone it as "phattest RPG" yet.

1. Mario Kart 64 (N64): The only N64 game that I still play today.  I can play this game for hours on end, even by myself, without getting bored.  Turtle shells are really fun.  The only disappointing feature of this game is the lack of Super Nintendo's Mario Kart's jumping feather.  That item was nifty. 

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V. 

A Haiku Contest

    Alright kids.  Yes, it's time for yet another GameCola exclusive contest.  Due to our EXTREMELY poor showing in the last contest (hell, ALL the contests), I've taken it upon myself to make this contest extraordinarily easy to enter.

    This is a haiku contest.

    3 lines, people.  17 syllables total.  You, the reader, may enter one haiku, or 55 haikus.  Or anything in between.  Write to your little gaming heart's content.  And the ONLY restriction placed upon this contest is that it must, somehow, even metaphorically or symbolically, pertain to video games.

    Now, for those of you who slept through grades 1-12  (because I'm pretty sure we reviewed these every single year), a haiku is a simple poem, unrhymed, unmetered, three lines long.  The first line must be five syllables long, the second line is 7 syllables, and the third line is another 5 syllables.  Now, before all you Asian Studies majors get your panties in a twist, I fully understand that REAL haikus have to be about nature, have to contain certain nuances, have to express certain sentiments, etc... but we're making a small exception for OUR WONDERFULLY LAZY READERS! 

    Now, all of you beautiful people... write some goddamned haikus The prizes are (might be) beautiful (I'm thinking GameCola t-shirts), and you want to keep your editors happy, don't you?!  Happy creating! 

    Send me your haikus!

- Jenna Ogilvie

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VI.

First-Person-Shooter Shoot-Out

    First-person-shooters.  Classics.  New ones.  Some people tell me that they're all the same.  Others say it doesn't matter which one you play -- they still suck.  Well, I say 'bbullshit'.  Right here, right now, I'm comparing one to the next, pitting classics against modern ones, and system against system.

    Doom, Doom II, Doom II for GBA, Doom 64, Chex Quest, Quake, Quake II, Quake for N64, Unreal Tournament, Half-Life, Wolfenstein, and Duke Nukem 3D.

Doom (PC): Doom is one of the classics.  It has a plethora of levels and episodes, and a good happy amount of weapons.  There was a story to it, but everyone who played it could care less about it.  It started a generation.  I'm still not sure which one, but it did.  The short plotline: You run around, kill aliens, and save the day.  Good game, good game.

Doom II (PC): Doom II is Doom with more weapons, more creatures, more secrets, slightly-better graphics, and with a storyline that moved you from somewhere else to earth.  As I said with Doom, a storyline is present, and once again, anyone who played could care less.  Also, in Doom II, they improved the multi-player ability which allowed network games... quite a good improvement, I feel .  Same cheat codes as Doom as well.

Doom II (GBA): Doom II.  On the GBA.  It's exactly the same, with the exception of smaller graphics, and they took multiplayer from the network to the GBA link cable.  The controls are slightly more annoying as well.

Doom 64 (N64): They created a new story and a new game just for the N64?  A bit extreme, I think.  Cheat codes are different (obviously, with a controller instead of a keyboard).  The gameplay isn't as much fun.  I think they rushed it out a bit to grab the console audience.  I would've waited a while, and done something different with it.  But, that's just me.

Chex Quest (PC): A game based on cereal produced by Post.  It's based off the Doom II engine, with custom graphics, wads, weapons, creatures, people, and monsters.  In short, it was a spoof.  It is actually quite fun.  I like it.  Apparently, they also produced a Chex Quest II, but it was a flop.  I think I like it just because it was Doom II, but in a cereal box.

Quake (PC): Quake.  Quake.  I love Quake... the original.  Not this Quake III Arena crap.  It has good multiplayer ability, and good story as well, that you could actually pay attention to, and play the game, and still have fun.  It required thought, logic, lightning-fast reflexes, a lust for blood, and back in the day, a half-decent PC.  Classic by far.

Quake II (PC): Quake II is an improved version of Quake.  It moved Quake out of the DOS grounds into Windows territory.  It copped the story from Quake, so no one really cared.  For a sequel, they didn't improve the graphics, weapons, monsters, or sound too well.  Especially considering they went from DOS to Windows.  In short, it's a slightly different game that's easier to install from a CD.

Quake (N64): They pulled the same thing they did with Doom for N64.  I think that they really wanted to hit the console audience.  But honestly, I think they went about it the wrong way.  I would've waited it out a little longer.

Wolfenstein 3D (PC): This game started it all.  It really did.  No multiplayer, 8-bit pixilated graphics, and DOS 4-bit sounds.  And a huge-ass rating warning at the beginning.  The cheats are cool, because if you use them, they make fun of you for it.  It is kick-ass fun.  It receives high-ratings from me just for being there.

Duke Nukem 3D (PC): This is Duke Nukem before all the Duke Nukem PSX crap.  It is DOS.  It has killer sound.  Kick-ass graphics.  No multiplayer, but you don't need it.  My problem: not enough monsters.  Sure they're there.  But, you never run into a room and are bombarded from all 15 directions by 128,923 monsters like you would be in Doom or Quake.  You know?  The weapons are cool, but average.  Quake has it's trademarked Railgun, Doom has it's BFGs... but there's nothing special for Duke Nukem players.  But then, it's a 'sexxxy' game, after all.

    You didn't think I was just going to review classics, did you?  I'm also gonna throw in some classic next-gens, just for you!

Half-Life (PC): Fun.  As.  Shit.  But only in multiplayer.  It has the crappiest single player game I've ever played.  Too much story.  Not enough killing.  You know?  But, the mods.  Oh, the mods.  Team Fortress Classic, Counter Strike, Blue Streak, you name it.  Capture the Flag, and oh the fun.  No bots though... Good graphics, decent sound, and a kick-ass sniper crossbow.

Unreal Tournament (PC): Funner.  As.  More.  Shit.  Bots.... and lots of them.  The single player game?  BOTS!  And the network games?  People and bots! And it has everything, no mods needed.  Capture the Flag, Deathmatch, Team Deathmatch, such like that.  You can play haphazardly killing everything in sight (Deathmatch) or you can play strategically, controlling a team of bots using a command menu in a big flag-grabbing logic problem (CtF).  My favorite?  The second.  Not that there isn't SHITLOADS of killing in CtF.  Ohhhh yeah.

Now... here's the best part.  My favorites:

Favorite Classic: We have a tie.  Quake and Doom II both tie for this position.

Favorite Next-Gen Classic: Unreal Tournament

Favorite Mod: Another tie.  Just can't make up my mind sometimes.  Team Fortress Classic for Half-Life and Chex Quest for Doom II.

Favorite Graphics: Doom II

Favorite Weapons: Unreal Tournament

Favorite Sound Effects: Wolfenstein 3D for its 4-bit crap sounds!

Favorite Background Music: Unreal Tournament

Favorite Monsters/Enemies: Doom

Favorite Console-based: Quake for N64

Favorite Background Content: Duke Nukem 3D... who doesn't like funny-looking half-naked 8-bit-chicks?

Favorite Single Weapon: Another tie.  Snarks from Half-Life and Railgun from Quake.

Favorite Over-All First-Person-Shooters:

 What can I say?  I love them all.  I can't single one out.  They're all unique, but great.  Can't live without them. 

- Kevin Leacock

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VII.

Barin:  You sure about this?  We don't have any idea who she is; besides, she's looking at me funny.
Dugo:  Trust me on this, friend.  I think she likes you.
Barin:  Alright... <smirk> you think so??

--------------------------------------------

1 AM
11th of August - Red Ripple Pub 

Dugo:      So let me get this straight... I'm a Milleuian prince, I'm a master swordsmith, and an expert 
                 swordsman to boot?
????:       Not exactly a prince.  More like the adopted son of the king.  For whatever reasons he had a the 
                 time, King Veda took you under his wing after a terrible accident in the royal armory.  No one knows 
                 what happened, but you were the only one to emerge from the flames.  For a year and a half, you     
                 lived the life of a prince and began to earn the trust and respect of the people.  This all took place 
                 about ten years ago...
Barin:      That puts us at about the time Dugo showed up on the Green Isle.
????:       Not quite; Dugo disappeared from Veda's court on the second anniversary of the accident.  his 
                 quarters were missing nothing, his horse was still in its stable, and nobody had seen or heard 
                 anything out of the ordinary that day.  He simply vanished...
Dugo:      Wait, hold on a second everybody.  I want to know one thing first.  How exactly do you fit into this 
                 whole story?
????:       My name is Najen.  I am the Elgofiian assassin Veda hired to kill you.
Naelroe:  No!  You can't hurt Dugo!
Najen:      I'm not going to hill him now... I already failed once.  It's the only time I've ever failed.
Naelroe:  Well excuse me if I'm not exactly heartbroken over that...
Dugo:      Not to be selfish or anything, but can we get back to talking about me?
Najen:      I can explain more as time goes on.  All I can tell you right now is that I've been looking for you for 
                 the past five years.  It seems I wasn't the first person to find you, though.  The firestorm that 
                 destroyed your homes wasn't just a freak weather condition.  Only the arcane magics of the 
                 Rexarian sorcerers could cause the devastation you describe.
Apul:        Rexarians?  What land do they come from?
Najen:      No one knows; the only thing I know about them is that they serve the emperor of Sloefig. 
                 Everything about them is shrouded in mystery, but it is said that they hail from a nation far beyond 
                 the reaches of the outer ocean.
Barin:       Now I really an finding all of this very interesting, and I hate to interrupt, but does anyone smell... 
                 smoke?
Naelroe:  Look out the window, the docks!  It's our boat!
Barin:       MY BOAT!  What the hell is going on!?!

    With the night sky lit up with the inferno from the docks, the band of five set off full speed towards their only mode of transportation.  Barin, Dugo, and Najen reach the docks to find a dozen armed men, watching the boat be engulfed in flames.  Najen pulls out twin daggers from beneath her cloaks and impales the nearest brigand.  Dugo unsheathes his sword and enters combat with the now alerted enemy.  Barin manages to retrieve the sword leftover from Najen's handiwork, and jumps into the fray.

    Apul and Naelroe arrive at the scene to find their three friends engaged in battle with a band lf black-clad men.  Dugo has three bodies strewn about him, and parries the attacks of what looks to be the leader of the game.  Swords clash and sparks fly as the steel blades dance through the air.  Behind them, Barin and Najen stand back-to-back fending off the attacks of an encroaching circle of bad guys.  Najen's daggers pierce leather and flesh like a hot knife through butter.  The opposition thins out as Barin knocks off his second foe.  Only Dugo and his adversary remain.  Apul and Naelroe run over to Najen and Barin to aid in any way they can, but all they can do is watch as Dugo battles it out.  Dodging sword swipes, Dugo ends up backed against the end of the dock.  Behind, the still burning skeleton of a ship.  Ahead, the charging blade of a deadly adversary.  In a skillful showing off of a talent long gone unused, Dugo throws off the attack of his assailant and trips him off the end of the dock into the flaming heap.

    Escaping with only minor cuts and scrapes, the three warriors return their blades to their sheaths and breathe a huge sigh of relief.  It finally becomes clear that this is a journey that is going to be fraught with danger.  Their journey, however, seems to have come to an end as they gaze upon the burnt beams and warped boards of the once renowned  Element...

Which Gate Will You Choose?

A Pirates Life For Me

Barin:  My boat...
Najen: Those men had to get here somehow.  They must have a boat anchored somewhere around here.  I 
             don't think they'll be needing it anytime soon.
Dugo:  Well then, let's go about finding this pirate ship of ours.

My Feet Hurt

Naelroe:                   That long run made my feet hurt guys... Can we go back to the inn now?
Barin/Najen/Dugo:  <glaring looks>
Apul:                          Hey guys, I think she's right.  We need to get some rest.  You three most of all! 

Please direct any comments/suggestions for Gates of Life to bwolf@gamecola.net or superhuman_man@hotmail.com.

- Brian Wolf

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VIII.

Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one.  However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month?  None, I tell you.  Without further ado, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with "Advice for the Sensitive Gamer"...

Dear Jenna,

    God, you're hot.  Can I have your baby?  Every time I think of you in that pink dress and long red hair and princess tiara on your head I drool all over myself.  Just as soon as I eat this shroom I'll come over and rescue you, baby.

Sincerely,
Mario

Mario:

    As much as I wish I could be the princess, I am not.  Go look next to that big green pipe.  She should be there.  But call me next time you get bored, you big hunk of Italian loving, you.

- Jenna

Dear Jenna,

    Do you like cheese?   I find it quite yummy, especially on mashed potatoes.  Anyway, my Wang isn't that great and I was hoping that you could help me make it better.

Sincerely,
Little Wang, Big Potential

Little Wang, Big Potential:

    Actually, contrary to popular opinion, I am a huge fan of cheese!  I put cheese on almost all of my food, let alone most of the boys I like.  I mean, uh... what?
    Wang.  Right.  
    Your wang "isn't that great".  Well, kiddo, that kind of leaves me a lot of ideas as to how it "isn't great".  As to how to help your wang become great... I'm not a magician here.  I'm just a lowly advice columnist, trying to scratch out a living here at GameCola.  You want your wang to become great?  Go get it self-help tapes, or some self advice, or just get laid, my good man!  I'm just a girl.  I know very little of wangage.  Go ask a boy.  Any boy.  Yes, even that weird hick kid that rides his quad up and down your street at 1:00 A.M.  Ask him.  He'll know.  Leave me alone with my cheese. 

- Jenna

- Jenna Ogilvie

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- Graphical Artwork by Christina Dickson

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