Volume 2, Issue 7 - July 2003 Quenching Your Thirst For Video Entertainment © Now serving one-hundred and two subscribers!

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Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers, II. Submissions III. Reviews!       A. M.U.S.C.L.E. - NES       B. The Ren & Stimpy Show             Presents: Stimpy's             Invention - SG       C. Banjo-Kazooie - N64       D. Harvest Moon 64 - N64       E.  Xenosaga: Episode 1              Der Wille zur Macht - PS2       F. .hack//MUTATION (Part 2)            - PS2  IV. Loafy Carl V. Züper-Favorite: Your      Top 10 Games VI. Advice for the Sensitive        Gamer VII. ... of the Month

 

Starring:
Also Featuring:  Robin, Homogenized Pork Fat, Brian Vanek, Kyle Ogilvie, Mutant Bladder, and Schizo Snake

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I. Dear Readers,

    Alright guys, I'm pretty sure that GameCola's among the first to break the news on this upcoming title... but Konami's coming out with a new Ghostbusters title for Playstation 2.  No word on whether or not it will be ported to any other major consoles, but PS2 is a definite.

    According to Konami, the game will be nothing like the Ghostbuster piles of Slimer dung that came out for the NES when the movies were originally released.  It will, however, be again based on the movies, and not the cartoon (which also rocked, by the way).  

    The game will support one to four players, and will be a a third-person perspective action/adventure title in the vein of Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance.  Except that instead of traveling through fields and dungeons killing monsters with your swords, you'll be traveling through hotels and libraries capturing ghosts with your proton packs.

    Ghostbusters for Playstation 2 won't follow the movies exactly, but rather have you play the role of one of these paranormal peace-keepers in their every day career.  You'll be given instructions by Janine on where to bust ghosts, and then you'll suit up, get in the ambulance, and do it.  Afterwards you'll be paid by whoever gave you the job, and you can use that money to purchase new ghost-busting equipment.

    I don't know about you guys, but this ranks up there with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a game that I can absolutely not wait for!!  

Love,

Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net

P.S. August Fools!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I GOT YOU!!!! THERE ISN'T REALLY GONNA BE A GHOSTBUSTERS GAME!!! AT LEAST, NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!~1111

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II. 

Letters:

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Hello Paul + GameCola crew!

    I'd just like to take this opportunity to commend all your efforts.  I used to believe in the deterioration of the teenage species as a result of video games, but congrats, you've made a convert out of me.

    Here is a list of real world applications of video game connoisseurs:

    1) The ability to fend off drug lords with intense jujitsu, should one find oneself abandoned in West Philly at 
         3  AM.
    2) Fast twitch finger muscles can produce knitted scarves and sweaters in bulk in the event of a blizzard or 
         a small African naked boy who shows up at one's door
    3) A zest for adventure and challenge which could lead one to Iceland to mingle with the Eskimos or to 
        France to mock the non-armpit-shaving prostitutes
    4) Inflated ego.  The more people who believe that "the fate of the world rests on your shoulders, Hakimoto", 
         the better.  I bet Bill Gates once thought his name was Bill San and practiced tae bo in his computer 
         closet.

    That is all.  This is not a want ad.  Seek no one and nothing but the truth.  Happy summer!

- Robin

- Fend off drug lords, eh?  Only if you're playing the new NARC... speaking of which... why in the holy hell is that going to exist, anyway?  Of all games to recreate.. couldn't they have picked Balloon Fight or something else worthwhile?  Sheesh.

Dear GameCola Staff,

    I feel as if a letter of response, a submission if you will, is in order.  I have just had the pleasure of perusing your very informative site dealing with the gaming community and the lifestyle thereof.  I must say, while not being at a status even remotely resembling even your lowliest of contributors, I have been known to partake in a few automotive simulations of my own.  And let me tell you, not to toot my own proverbial horn, but I am quite adept at "Need For Speed High Stakes".  This letter is not about me, however, it is in fact about you.  I am thoroughly impressed at your expertise and ability in the area of video entertainment of the interactive kind.  Your site is a beacon for many.  I will now be stopping here from time to time, when not on my favorite site, www.regalgs.org, or searching for my trance music.  Keep up the excellent research and reporting.  I must go get ready for a party where I plan to get down with my funky self.  Good day to all.

-Stephen Cramer

- Thank you very much for the compliments, Mr. Cramer!  Perhaps you should swing by the GameCola offices sometime and show of your keen skills at "automotive simulations".  Somehow I doubt that you could defeat our Editor-in-Chief in Cruis'n USA!

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Artwork:

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- Homogenized Pork Fat

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Stay tuned for an extra long, action packed double issue of Gates of Life with strange revelations and even stranger occurrences!!

- Brian Wolf

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This is a watercolor i did for school.  It kinda sucks.  There are errors on it, like no dots on the hill, seven blocks instead of eight.

This is for school, also.  It's an oil painting.

Another oil painting for school.  This was done in a week.  The week before school got out.

- Brian Vanek

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III.

A.

Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Fighting, Pro-Wrestling
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: October 1986
Developer: Bandai
Publisher: Bandai

    Got a few minutes to kill?  Of course you do.  You're reading GameCola.  But that also means you can enjoy Bandai's super-powered wrestling adventure, M.U.S.C.L.E..  By the way, since it's a pain in the ass to write M.U.S.C.L.E. with all the capitals and periods, for the rest of the review, I will type it as "Muscle".  I hope no one minds, but then again, I really don't care.  If my changing the manner in which the game's title is presented offends you, then you probably won't enjoy my bashing of the many setbacks the game has, so piss off.  I don't want you reading my review anyhow.

    What were we talking about again?  Ahh, yes... Muscle.  There's not much to it, so I'll explain it all right here.  You start out and you select two characters (it's a tag-team, in case you were wondering), and then if you are playing with a friend, he/she selects two different characters.  You then appear in the ring, ready to rumble.  At first, it is a standard match, with grab and jump moves (especially with the rope bounces, a very nice addition I must say, especially for its time), but then it gets tricky when a power-up is tossed into the ring.  Whoever gets to it first goes berserk and can use his special move on his opponent.  Once someone gets to use their power, it's pretty much over for the other guy, that is unless he can get to his corner and tag his partner.  In either case, the match continues until someone drops. 

    And thus, the next match begins.  What's cool is that while the first match takes place in a regular wrestling ring, the second and third are a touch more intense.  The second match is on an iced ring and the third is in an electrified ring, making the rope bounces an impossibility.  That's basically it.  There's only one thing you need to know about Muscle, and that is it's not a long term game.  It's good if you are trying to kill a few minutes between actual significant events in your life.  Play for more than a few minutes and you will grow tired of it fast.  You will become so bored that you will contemplate killing yourself.  If anyone I don't like is reading this, please play Muscle for an extended period of time.

    It's enough fun for a good ol' battle, but that's basically it.  The graphics are reminiscent of Atari 2600, and the sound isn't much farther behind.  I'm not even going to say that you should or shouldn't pick up this game by merely the graphics or sound, because I've already told you like 20 times by now that it's a very casual game.  It's very user friendly and very easy to pick up.  This is something a girl can handle.  Don't take offense to that, female GameCola staff members.  You gotta admit that the usual girl doesn't know her Toadstools from her Zeldas.

    Okay, this is the part of the review where I would recap and reflect on the different aspects of the game as well as poke my last bit of fun at it, but I'm already done.  There's really nothing more to say about it.  It's simple, it's relatively fun, and it's a graphical nightmare.  Just find it at a flea market or something and give it a shot.  Stop wasting my time.  What do you think, I just sit around all day and write reviews so I can save you money you would have spent on some POS game?  First, buying shitty games is how you learn to control your money output, and second, I don't really care what you play anyway.  I don't' even think anyone else 'sides me even buys NES games anymore.  Ahh, it's too hot... 

        - Neal Iannone

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B.

Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Adventure, Side-Scrolling
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: August 1994
Developer: BlueSky Software
Publisher: Sega

    Well, at least the effort was there.  Instead of just slapping a license onto a premade crappy game (ala Back to the Future (NES), Toy Story (SG, SNES), Jaws (NES), and countless others), BlueSky Software actually put in the effort to make a decent game.  And they succeeded in that -- to a point, any way.  The Ren and Stimpy Show Presents: Stimpy's Invention (henceforth to be known simply as "Stimpy's Invention") was well on its way to becoming an innovator of side-scrollers and a high point in the pathetic history of licensed games; but unfortunately, the game's over in less then a half-hour, assaulting it's awesomeness factor with a tidal wave of dumb.

    Much to anyone's surprise, this game actually has a plot.  Stimpy, it seems, has created this invention dubbed the "Mutate-o-Matic".  Unfortunately, before Stimpy is able to share with us the purpose of this invention, it overloads, and it's pieces are scattered all over the place.  Unfortunately, though having a premise comparable to ToeJam and Earl, Stimpy's Invention has little in common with the game of Sega's funkadelic duo.  Ren and Stimpy have to travel to five different locations and collect the pieces; then they must put the machine back together, so that they can shut it off.  Don't worry; it's not supposed to make sense.

    This adventure takes our cartoony compares through a freezer, a zoo, a town, a dog pound, a forest, and finally, through the invention itself.  Each of these stages (except for the final) is divided into two parts:  one is a regular ol' side-scroller that we all know and love, and the other is.. well.. slightly different.  Sometimes you'll find yourself hurtling downhill on a bicycle built for two at break-neck speeds, others you'll be traveling through the air via rectal gas.  These parts are vastly different from what we're accustomed to in side-scrollers, and they're a great way to end the monotony before it even begins. 

    Another factor that stops Stimpy's Invention from becoming boring is that it's two-player -- at the same time, no less.  You'll find it necessary to have a friend along at some points, like when Ren has to squeeze a fart out of Stimpy in order to fly high and reach a ledge, or when Stimpy has to use Ren as a shovel to reach underground parts of the stage.  Of course, you can also have the second character be controlled by the computer, but somehow that's not as enjoyable as turning your best friend into a bowling ball so that you can use him to knock down a string of enemies.

    Thankfully, the controls with which to produce all these fancy moves are simple to both learn and master.  You won't need an instruction manual to figure out how to ride Stimpy like a donkey.  The only problem here is that the jump button is much too far from the acceleration button, making it difficult to run and jump.  But that's probably because the developers never intended for you to do that.

    Visually, Stimpy's Invention does justice to the cartoon.  There may be a minor mismatched color here and there, but this title's graphics are a smidge above the standard set by most Genesis titles.  However, the audio is a smidge below that standard.  More than a smidge really; the music is boring and not particularly inspired by the show, the sound effects don't always play when they're supposed to, and while Stimpy's Invention features a smattering of voice samples from the cartoon, they're nothing over which to giggle.  In fact, one would be accurate in saying that this game's audio is mere shades from pathetic.

    If you like the Ren and Stimpy Show, and you like side-scrolling games, and you own a Sega Genesis, there's no reason to not purchase Stimpy's Invention.  It's fun, innovative, and can be beaten in under a half-hour.  That last point, though, can be seen as the game's downfall, as some may feel cheated out of their money by playing such a sub-lengthy game.  But if you have a friend with which to play, the experience is nonetheless fun.  The game's cheap, anyway.  Just buy it already.  Well, after reading the rest of GameCola :-D. 

      - Paul Franzen

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C.

Platform: Nintendo 64
Genre: Adventure
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: June 1998
Developer: Rareware
Publisher: Nintendo

    Does anyone remember that company?  You know, the one that brought us awesome, quality games on Nintendo 64?  You know, the people that brought us Goldeneye, perhaps the most widely played first-person shooter to date?  Yeah, weren't they named Rareware or something?

    Yes, that's correct.  Rareware, as most of you probably remember, brought us many games on N64, such as Goldeneye, Jet Force Gemini, and the ever-popular Perfect Dark.  When GameCube appeared on the scene, they almost completely dropped out of existence.  They burst back onto the scene a year or two later, with a game named Star Fox Adventures.  Making a fairly good showing at E3 this year, Rare has decided to abandon Nintendo for Microsoft.  But all that aside, who could forget the glory days of Rare during the Nintendo 64 era?  Specifically, who could forget Banjo-Kazooie?

    Banjo, a bear, wakes up in his house to find that the evil witch, Gruntilda, has kidnapped his sister, Tootie.  Banjo sets off to rescue her with help from Kazooie, his compactable bird friend, Bottles, a mole who tutors Banjo and Kazooie in the way of their special moves, and Mumbo, a shaman who transforms Banjo and Kazooie into an array of different creatures.  Our heroes' adventures are riddled with baddies, musical notes, puzzles, and puzzle pieces, as they make their way through nearly 10 enormous levels.  The plot thickens as the game goes on, going from simple kidnapping to a showdown between two mortal enemies.  And before it's all over, you'll discover that you can find help in the most unlikely of places...

    Banjo-Kazooie set the standard for what adventure games should be like.  The graphics are very good for their time period, and the tunes in the game can get your feet tapping and fingers snapping.  One of the biggest flaws in the game comes not during gameplay, but afterwards, when you have collected all 100 Jiggys.  Rare had somehow foreseen the game's popularity (either that or wanted to make sure Nintendo would make a sequel) and put in special scenes from the next game.  These scenes include certain unreachable places being opened up and revealing special items such as giant eggs and a big key.  However, when Rare produced Banjo-Tooie, the game was not set in Gruntilda's tower like the first one, but in a completely different locale.  Therefore, those cutscenes pretty much meant nothing.  Rare tried to salvage it by putting the secret items into "Banjo-Kazooie Cartridges" hidden in Banjo-Tooie, but it was to no avail.  Most of the excitement had been about the new areas within the levels, not necessarily the items themselves.  Rare made the items activate cheats (they called them "special events), which, I must admit, are very cool, but the novelty soon wears off.

    But all things aside, Banjo-Kazooie is an incredible game!  I would highly recommend getting out your old, dusty N64 and playing it right away.  You won't be disappointed. 

- Kyle Ogilvie

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D.

Platform: Nintendo 64
Genre: Simulation, Farming
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: December 1999
Developer: Victor Interactive Software
Publisher: Natsume

    Harvest Moon 64 is the surprisingly popular simulation game that puts you into the overalls of a rather ordinary guy, trying his luck at the life of a farmer.  Indeed, Harvest Moon 64, in the most basic sense, is a farming simulation.  Look at it more closely and you will find much more depth to the game.

    In one of the first attempts at "real-time" games, the Harvest Moon series began a trend of originality.  Days in the game pass similar to days in real life.  You wake up in the morning, do your necessary chores, leaving your evenings open for socialization, and then you turn in at night.  Minutes pass by in mere seconds, with each day lasting for ten or so minutes in real life.  However time does stop when you enter a building, allowing you to complete indoor chores and shopping without wasting your day.

    Clearing your field, planting and tending to crops, raising cows and chickens, and remodeling your house are all examples of things you can do to pass your day.  Off the farm, such activities as fishing, chopping firewood, working part-time as a carpenter, mining, and foraging for wild berries can provide income.  Besides farming crops and doing the occasional odd job, there are a variety of animals in the game.  Early in the game, you will receive a pony that will eventually grow to become a horse capable of helping you with your chores.  Your horse, along with your pet dog are the only two animals that come free of charge.  Cows, sheep, and chickens must all be bought from the local livestock dealer, and then you can begin earning profits from them.

    When you aren't busy working, you can spend all your hard earned money for a night out on the town.  On holidays, the town usually holds some type of festival that you can take part in.  These are special occasions where you can interact with the town in different ways than normal.  These events and parties usually take place in the village square, but on occasion they may occur at the beach or in the mountains.

    The nearby village contains nearly half a dozen young ladies you can court.  These girls are certainly high maintenance and won't fall for you just on looks alone.  These girls need attention, and gifts... usually expensive gifts.  You must learn their routines, where they work, what they do during the day, and what they like to do.  After a while though, your efforts will pay off and you may find yourself with a wife.  Once that is over and done with, you might find yourself with a child, thus entering yourself into the realm of fatherhood.

    On a more technical note, the graphics in the game are a clean cartoonish look.  It fits the game nicely, and the Nintendo 64 handles the game quite well.  Audio in the game is so so, with the same repetitive tune playing over and over again.  The only time the music changes is when the seasons change.

    All in all, the game is quite enjoyable.  It does take a certain type of person to appreciate the game, as most people may become bored quickly.  The Harvest Moon series should not be overlooked, and the Nintendo 64 version is one of the better that are available. 

   - Brian Wolf

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E.

Platform: Sony Playstation 2
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T- Teen 
US Release: February 2003
Developer: Monolith
Publisher: Namco

    First of all, if you didn't know already, Xenosaga is NOT a prequel to Xenogears (which was #5 in the planned six-part series).  Both games are within the same universe, though.  After Xenogears was made, Squaresoft sold the license to Namco, so the plot had to be changed around a bit, and the approach to it was different.

    Xenosaga, to sum it up, is a role-playing game within a sci-fi movie.  It starts off with a movie of an excavation in our current time.  The excavation party finds a huge relic called the Zohar, and it starts an Armageddon-like change to the Earth.  Then you are zoomed many years to a huge spaceship called the Woglinde, and you control the young scientist Shion Uzuki, who bears many similarities to Scooby Doo's Thelma.  Shion has been working on a major military project called KOS-MOS, a weapon/android meant to prevent these space monsters called the Gnosis.  The ship gets attacked and the Gnosis find their way onto the ship, and the story begins...

    Xenosaga has the normal walk, talk, search, and put together clues on where to go, but to break up the monotony, Xenosaga throws in an e-mail system that can change events in the game if you act upon them, and you can get e-mails from events happening.  I find this useful, since you are given essential tips on how to play, along with much needed weapon upgrades for KOS-MOS.

    Since this is a linear role-playing game, it would seem like there'd be no access to past areas, but that speculation is quickly diminished when you get e-mailed holographic simulation programs that allow you to go back and get any item you missed, or just to level up.  This leads into the next thing that makes an RPG an RPG, the battles!

    You are given a similar battle system to the one in Xenogears involving combos.  Instead of having specific combos to use, you can customize the button combinations with the new moves you've acquired.  With the tech points gained at the end of each battle, you can increase the power of the combos and the versatility of them as well.  With E. points that are earned the same way, you can learn spells on XS's skill tree system.  Along with fighting with regular characters, you get to fight in mech-like vehicles called A.G.W.S. (Anti-Gnosis Weapon System), but it's not really necessary.

    And about the fluff, the graphics are stunning.  It is hard to tell the difference from the movies and the actual game.  The voices are top of the line and done by numerous notable anime voice actors.  Don't forget the music; it's a totally original score performed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra, and it will make your jaw drop to hear it on a great sound system.

    Overall, it's a great game that is worthy for play, but it doesn't measure up to Xenogears; just don't let that sway you away from it. 

      - Allec Johnson

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F.

Platform: Sony Playstation 2
Genre: Role-playing, Massively Multiplayer Offline
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: May 2003
Developer: Bandai
Publisher: Bandai

    .hack//MUTATION is a worthy sequel to .hack//INFECTION, and manages to improve upon the original.  The game starts off just where you left the last game (or would have left off, had you played it).  There is no tutorial to get you into it, nothing but a short summary of what happened in the pervious game (if you want a tutorial, play INFECTION, don't just complain about it like a whiny punk).  If you have played the first one, the controls will be a breeze to pick up since they are the same as in INFECTION.  The audio and visual aspects of the game also remain the same, as does pretty much everything else, aside from the story.

    The story of this game gave it the key fun points that put it above INFECTION.  From playing the first one you already know all of the characters and the background, so instead of spending time setting everything up, you are quickly thrust into another edge-of-your-seat thriller of a chapter that will leave you breathless!  

    This is the kind of game that can be very fun to play if you know enough about it, but very un-fun if you don't.  If you have not played the first one yet, do so before you play this one.  There is an excellent chance of becoming quite confused about what is going on if you don't.  If you choose to ignore my warnings, you can still play the game with relative ease even if you are just a beginner.  The controls are easy to pick up, and that little summary i mentioned earlier might lead you on the path to figuring out what's going on.

    The replay value in this one, just like the last one, is very high.  There are even more worlds to explore than in the last game, and you can even go back to all the worlds you could visit in the last game.  There are also Grunty races, where you can ride the Grunties you raised around towns to gather flags as fast as possible.  There are also more secrets to be found (the secret dungeon in this game is quite spectacular, visually, in my opinion) in this game, also, inducing special appearances from the characters of the .hack TV series, .hack//SIGN.

    Overall, this game is an improvement upon the first.  If you liked the first one, you will not be disappointed with this game, and if you had some complaints with the first one (like not being able to race Grunties in town...), then they are probably cleared up in MUTATION.  If you are into .hack already, or even just thinking about getting into it (*cough*playINFECTIONfirst*cough*) then MUTATION won't disappoint (*cough*unlessmaybeyoudidn'tplayINFECTION*cough*). 

- Matt Gardner

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IV. 

- Neal Iannone

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V.
Your Top 10 Games

Kyle Ogilvie's Top 10 Züper-Favorite Video Games
Shamong, NJ

10.  Paper Mario (N64):  Quite possibly the best RPG for N64.  Quite possibly the ONLY RPG for N64.  I know all you diehard Zelda fans out there will be yelling and screaming Ocarina of Time was the best RPG.  Oh contraire, my Zelda crazed fanatics; Zelda was not a true RPG.  Anywho, Paper Mario was a nice relief from the adventure games Mario calls home.

9.  Banjo-Kazooie (N64):  This awesome game was produced by, in my humble opinion, the best designing company for N64.  Unfortunately, that company dropped out of existence when GameCube was released.  This company is, of course, Rare.  And this was one of their masterpieces.  The sheer genius of a bear and a bird in a backpack won me over, and the AMAZING quality of the game makes it number 9 on my list, even after the release of GameCube.

8.  Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance (GCN):  A very good fighting game.  I liked the graphics a lot, along with the new innovative additions, including weapons, Kurrency, and Lei Mei.  However, the crippling blow was that of the finishing moves.  One fatality per person, with no stage fatalities?!  What is this world coming to?

7.  Mortal Kombat Trilogy (N64):  Can't beat the classics.  Especially when the classics involve numerous Fatalities, TOASTY, and Sheeva.

6.  Pokémon Red/Blue/Yellow/Gold/Silver, etc. (GBO/C/A):  This game, while not the best, ranks number 5 for a number of unusual reasons.  For one thing, you can play this game over and over again and not fully explore the whole thing.  Another reason is the decent plot and gameplay.  While not the best, I have played many that were worse.  The final is the portability.  You can take it ANYWHERE you want! (On the crapper for example (not that I have ever done that) or on long car rides.)

5.  Pikmin (GCN):  This game is not only one of the must fun I have ever played, but one of the most innovative.  Who would ever think of little people with flowers coming out of their heads that can attack weird enemies with terrible ferocity?  It is PURE genius.  Who wouldn't like to have a personal army of little symbiotes to do your bidding?

4.  Super Smash Bros. Melee (GCN):  Ever heard about how sequels rarely surpass their predecessors?  This one definitely DOES, by a long shot.  In addition to the almost infinite things you can unlock and collect, this game gets its place from the awesome multiplayer and single player action.  Just play the game.  You'll see what I mean.

3.  Animal Crossing (GCN): This game rocks, hands down.  Though at first glance it looks very cartoonish/childish, it is an extremely complex game that provides hours upon hours of fun.  The game is constantly changing, providing new challenges, characters, and items to keep the game interesting.  The, most probably, best feature in the game is the ability to interact with other players.  Up to four can live in a town, and you can visit other players' towns!  But, the true beauty of this game is that you can't win it, much like The Sims.  And, due to the ever changing gameplay, you can come back every day (this game uses real time!) and find something new.

2.  ToeJam and Earl (SG):  Need I even say anything?  IT IS THE MOST AMAZING SEGA GAME EVER.  End of story.  Awesome two player action, the random mode (always different), presents, the ranking system... I can't name everything good or else I would fill up all of GameCola.  PLAY THIS GAME.  NOW.

1.  TIE:  Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time (N64) & Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (GCN):  I don't think I even need to say anything about Ocarina of Time.  (I will anyway.)  It's an AMAZING game, with an amazing storyline, characters, gameplay, the list goes on and on.  Wind Waker is also amazing, with certain minor let downs.  But, it ties with Ocarina of Time, because of the graphics, and COMPLETELY new storyline, characters, enemies, places, and items. 

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VI.

Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one.  However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month?  None, I tell you.  Without further ado, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with "Advice for the Sensitive Gamer"...

Dear Jenna,

    I love to play video games.  But that's not my problem.  I'm 18 years old and I must say, I've been told I have marvelous wang.  Thing is, every time I get to a very important part in the plot of a game, or am about to scream the Xena war cry as I bash heads in, I have to urinate.  Y'know, like every other gamer, I try and suppress this in order to listen to the important plot line or break a record in kills, but it's not just any normal things.  It's like I have an alien in my bladder and it's ungodly painful.  So I relieve myself and miss the plot or come too short of breaking my kill record and proceed to go back and start again, only to have the same damn thing happen over and over.  What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,
Mutant Bladder.

Mutant Bladder,

    From the looks of things, you probably do have an alien gestating in your bladder.  Apart from the obvious answer, you may just need to stop downing so many cans of Tropicana orange juice while playing Wind Waker, or whichever RPG of choice you may be speaking of.  For the alien problem, I recommend immediate exorcastion by my good friend Madame Flambe -- she's really good at these things.  I think I may even have a 15% off card left over from my last... issue.  But we don't speak of that anymore.  If you are somehow convinced that it is totally ludicrous that there is an alien living in your body cavity and feasting on your organs, I recommend attaching a tube to your urethra and running it across the room into the nearest toilet.  This pee problem you're having seems to me to be chronic, and until a world renowned doctor begins to investigate "Video-Game-Induced Bladder Hyper-Function", you're up shit creek without a paddle.  So, rig up your pee-draining device, and play away, my dear friend!

- Jenna

Dear Jenna,

    I have a pretty serious problem.  When I play my absolute favorite game, "Metal Gear Solid", I find myself wishing I was Snake.  But it doesn't stop at wishing.  I soon go through a Jekyll/Hyde transformation.  Soon I'm running through the halls of my high school, dressed in black and wearing a red bandana.  While in these separations from reality I try to "kill" my friends by coming up behind them and trying to choke them.  Until recently it wasn't too big a deal, and considering that I only have two friends, no one really cared.  But then I made a mistake -- a big one.  Stalking down the hallway one day after school, looking for the PAL keys I spied who I thought at the time was a psycho mantis.  I later learned that it was a math teacher.  Luckily the punch that I inflicted to the middle of her chest only knocked her unconscious for a couple of minutes.  Unfortunately, I was epxelled from school, and am pending assault charges.  But my real problem is that I no longer have a location to mimic my favorite video game hero.  Where can I play?  And how can I get friends?  Please, I need your help.

Yours Truly,
Schizo Snake

Schizo Snake,

    I personally see nothing wrong with your unhealthy attachment to Solid Snake.  [He is a pretty hot ticket, if you want my opinion.]  Anyway... I find nothing out of the ordinary with your obsession with becoming Snake; in fact, there was an administrator in my old high school that dressed up every day as a Berenstein Bear, and no one gave her shit about it!  I mean, hell, she ran around shelling out dress-code violations like the world was going to end or something... Jeebus.  Oops... right.  Snake.  That teacher that you punched in the chest, the one that you thought was a psycho mantis?  I know exactly who you're talking about; she reminds me of a psycho mantis as well.  Actually, more of a really lanky bird, but I can definitely see where the confusion lies.  I say that when you go to court, you bring a picture of this alleged "math teacher" and show it to the jury.  See how many of THEM can see that lady and not go crazy, thinking a giant crazy praying mantis is in the room.  As for finding new friends, well, you're pretty much fucked in that category.  Not many people want to be friends with a teenager convicted of assault.  Good luck with the trial! 

- Jenna

- Jenna Ogilvie

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VII.

The Improvement Upon an Existing Game System Without Actually Making a Completely New System of the Month
Game Boy Advance SP

    The new Game Boy Advance SP, or G-BASP as I enjoy writing it, is quite an improvement upon the original.  Although the original GBA was pocked-sized, depending on your pockets, this baby is even more pocket sized, for even smaller pockets!!  The new laptopish design of this beauty allows for easier carrying, although some could complain about the way it feels in your hand while playing it, compared to the GBA (I personally think it's fine).  The internal light is probably the best new feature, and it alone is worth buying it, as far as I'm concerned.  The light can be turned on or off whenever you want, in case you were in a situation where you had plenty of light and didn't need the extra illumination.  Instead of using AA batteries like the old GBA, the SP uses a battery pack that lasts for up to 18 hours without the light on, and 10 hours with it, and is rechargeable (recharger comes with the SP, by the way).  You can buy the GBASP for about $100 new, and you can get a good chunk of that off if you trade in your old GBA at GameStop or some such store when you buy it. 

- Matt Gardner

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- Graphical Artwork by Christina Dickson

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