Volume 2, Issue 6 - June 2003
Quenching Your Thirst For Video Entertainment ©
Now serving ninety-eight subscribers!
Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers,
II. Submissions
III. Reviews!
A. Bucky O'Hare - NES
B. Taz-Mania - SNES
C. Threads of Fate - PSX
D. Pikmin - GCN
E. Mister Mosquito - PS2
F. Skies of Arcadia:
Legends - GCN
IV. Loafy Carl
V. Nicht-Favorite: Your
Top 10 Games
VI. Hit of the Art Show
VII. The Gates of Life
VIII. Advice for the Sensitive Gamer
IX. ... of the Month
Starring:
Also Featuring: Neal's brother, Joe Schwartz, Sheep, Steve Goldberg, and Jim Bochanski
This may cause confusion amongst my faithful followers, but I've recently decided that I want to keep GameCola's level of cursing to a minimum. Before you get your knickers in a twist and fire me an e-mail about how I'm a "sell-out" or some such rubbish, please hear me out.
I'm not doing this out of fear of offending any of you (even you, Dad). I personally do not understand what makes these so-called "curse" words so terrible in the first place, nor why the word "shit" would be considered any more offensive than "poop". They mean the same thing; why discriminate?
I plan on keeping my cursing to a minimum
because I feel that it hinders my creativity. The way I see it, using
"curse" words is merely a surefire way to garner a reaction in the
readers. If I say a game "fucking sucks my ass, bitch", the
reader is guaranteed to get the message loud and clear: "Oh, this
game is no good! I will not buy it!". In other words, it's an
easy way to convey my thoughts. I don't want to take the easy way. I
want to challenge myself to express how much a game sucks without relying on the
crutch of "curse" words. And, thus, you will no longer read much
in the way of "curse" words in my writing. That doesn't go for
the rest of Team GameCola; however, I do hope that they see the wisdom of my
words, and challenge themselves to write creatively. 
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
Letters:
-----
Dear Paul,
The subject of this heading [GameCola - Neal = Great] says it all. GameCola - the reviews and "comics" by Neal Iannone = an amazing newsletter. Please remove/kill him as soon as possible. Thank you.
P.S. In Neal's top ten, in the review of FFVII, he mentions the "Nights of the Round". I'll admit that i dont know much about that game, but i do know that Knights is spelled with a K. Unless the game had this spelling change, Neal is clearly retarded. Even if it did, Neal is retarded. Eliminate him.
- Neal's brother
- Nah, we can't get rid of Neal; he's the funny one. The rest of the
staff don't do funny nearly as well as he does. And, for future
reference, any typos that you ever see in GameCola can be attributed to the
Editor-in-Chief. He retypes everything he receives into the issue, so if
there's a typo, it was made due to his carelessness, not the carelessness of
anybody else.
-----
Paul,
First some praise. I think that the "Best of Issue" is totally kickass, and I am very pleases that you have the review for Taboo on there form Neal. It was, in fact, the very review that got me hooked on GameCola. And Second, the past Issues is really cool. I'm a late subscriber and its nice to go back and see what gamecola was like in its infant stage. gamecola is becoming quite popular. In fact a moment ago someone asked me what I was doing, I said Looking at the best game review newsletter out there and proceeded to give him the address and told him to subscribe...repeatedly. So in conclusion... GameCola is the Greatest thing EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks for giving me reading material when I'm in Accounting and desktop and anyother class that involves the Internet.
- Joe Schwartz (devoted fan)
- The "Best of Year One" edition of GameCola was indeed quite
awesome, but make no mistake about it -- it wasn't an "issue".
Hence why we put out the June issue a mere two weeks following "The Best of
Year One". And, by the way, keep up the good work Joe! It's readers
like you that cause GameCola's popularity to spread.
-----
Poetry:
"The Brother's Mario"
His cap says "M", and the Princess he saves
And we all hope, that he remembers to bathe
A plumber is he, you can tell by the smell
But the Princess, oh, he rings her bell
He jumps on a turtle, its shell is now his
Opens a soda too fast, and out comes the fizz
The shell is as green, as his brother Luigi
Who operates a car wash, and uses a squeegee
He journeys no more, he is in retirement
Spends all his free time, in protecting the environment
The car wash is all he has, its his pride and joy
Well, that, and he and Peach's beautiful baby boy
- Paul Franzen
Artwork:
----
- Sheep
-----
- Steve Goldberg
-----
- Jim Bochanski
-----
C'mon, send us stuff! Whatever you want! Honest! Fan mail, drawing, poems, essays, photographs, whatever, just send it in, along with your name.. it doesn't even have to be your real name! Chances are pretty high that you'll see your submission in an upcoming issue of GameCola. So do it!!
e-mail - submissions@gameocla.net
III. 
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Adventure
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: January 1992
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
In all the world, in all the universe, there is but one simple, unbreakable rule that binds the very existence of reality. That rule is simple and unforgettable:
Konami rocks.
That having been said, let us move on to yet another
example of the rule in full effect: Bucky O'Hare. Bucky models game
functions that were YEARS ahead of its time. We are talking 1992 NES and
already Bucky O'Hare had tackled the Playstationesque level select and character
toggle. Add to that gorgeous classic side-scrolling gameplay and the rockingest
soundtrack of the time period and you have yourself the sweetest ass game
around. This is the important part, boys and girls. If you have the
means, PICK THIS GAME UP. You shan't be disappointed,
methinks. 
If you've ever seen the show, which by the way, is just as cool, than the story is simple enough. The crew of the Righteous Indignation has been kidnapped by the evil Toads and it is up to you, Bucky O'Hare (who did you think you played as, the nerdy kid?) to rescue each crew member from the planet (level) on which they are being help captive. Here's where it gets cool. Traditionally, when they start you out on the first level of some crappy game, you rescue your friend, and that's it. The friend is probably back at "home base" and they start you on the next piece of garbage level. Booooooring! Bucky O'Hare not only lets you CHOOSE the level you want to start from, but once you rescue your pal, you get to play as them! Yeah, I know what you are thinking. That is freakin' incredible. I know. I thought the same thing.
Well, it gets better. Not only did Konami give you the chance to play as the others AT ALL, but you can switch characters mid-play! You simple hit "select" and you can toggle through all the characters that you have freed already. Each character has their own unique and useful weapon. Let me give you a scenario so you can see how great this game is.
Let's say you're cruisin' through the level
as 
Bucky and you come to a stone wall. You switch to the robotic Blinky
and he can crush the wall with his block-buster. Then you see an enemy
hiding in an unreachable spot. You switch to the pilot, Jenny, and use her
guided energy blast to get into those hard to reach areas. A swarm
approaching? Switch to Deadeye Duck and use his spread-shot to croak those
freakin' Toads!
Not only does Bucky O'Hare brandish sweet game functions and killer classic gameplay that is smooth and unchoppy, like say, the exact opposite of like every other game I've ever reviewed, it also boasts the most killer soundtrack I've ever heard in a game. Each level is cooler than the next. I tell you no lie, if such a CD were being produced, I would pick it up (steal) in a heartbeat (I don't have a job). Man I wish I could hum it for you, but I can't. Ask me sometime you see me in real life. I'm so excited about it I just want to kick someone in the throat.
Holy mother! Just writing this freakin'
review has put me in such a mood to play. I hafta hurry this recap up so I
can jump down my house and scramble to my lair and play. Bucky O'Hare has
seemingly NO major flaws whatsoever, and basically guarantees a great time,
unless you are one of those overly negative people who hate EVERYTHING, even
good stuff, in which case I guarantee nothing. It is fun as hell, the
music is freakin' awesome, the control is as creamy as melted butter, the
graphics are prime, especially for its time, and the replay value is
killer. Buy. Steal. Whatever. Just get. Now.
Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Action, Racing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: September 1993
Developer: Visual Concepts
Publisher: Sunsoft
Have your parents ever told you to not play
in traffic? If so, then Taz-Mania is the Super Nintendo game for your
inner rebel. You play as Taz, the infamous spinning semi-star of Looney
Tunes, and later star of his own cartoon, Taz-Mania (on which this title is
based). As Taz, you run on foot through the busy streets of the Tasmanian
outback, scarfing up a set number of tiny yellow grounded birds in each of the
game's fifteen levels. After you've eaten your assigned number of birds
(ranging from 3-20), Taz
passes out in the middle of the road and vomits all he has eaten as your score
is totaled. These fifteen levels of kiwi (as the diminutive birds are
called) munchin' fun is divided into five stages. At the end of each stage
is a bonus level in which you try to devour the most of any given creature
(either kiwis, small flying blue birds, or spear-toting rats) as you can in one
minute's time.
People who watched the cartoon in its heyday (or in present time on video cassette) will recognize such characters as Digeri Dingo, Wendel T. Wolf, and Francis X. Bushlad, but to anyone else, they will be nothing more than anonymous enemies. They, along with other enemies, and geographical detriments like bottomless holes, are all that impede Taz from getting his dinner. Unfortunately for the player who wants a run in the easy lane, they'll do more damage than you'd expect. Take this scenario as an example:
You're running merrily along a dirt path, not a care in the world except for a burning desire to fill up your empty tummy with the delectable kiwis, when you hear the screech of a pterodactyl overhead. You, overflowing with confidence due to having a full health meter, think nothing of it; the only way he can reach you is if you jump into the air, because the pterodactyl can only grab devils at a specific elevation. The ground beneath you suddenly rises, and before you even notice, the pre-historic bird-wannabe snatches you up and carries you backwards in the level. You attempt to wiggle free, but see the female Tasmanian devil below you, and think better of it. You go a little further back and, thinking you're safe, wiggle free. You fall to the ground and are immediately assaulted by Wendel T. Wolf, who jumps on your back and throws his hands over your eyes. You do a spin move and throw him off, but by that time, the she-devil is upon you, kissing Taz on the cheek. This kiss of death ends the level for you, despite that you still have a full health meter.
A girl's kiss ends the level for you.
A metaphor for life? Yeah, I think so.
Anyway, this example (besides providing Earth-shattering evidence to support that girls are pure evil adorned with boobs) shows that the enemies by themselves might not be so harmful, but if you don't pay attention, you'll have more trouble with this game than you really should.
Graphically and audio-ly speaking, this game is behind most other Super Nintendo
titles. The sound effects are petty and bland, and the music is overly
simplified. Also, the soundtrack on some levels is not consistent with the
pace at which you must play this game in order to succeed -- i.e., it's too
slow. In addition, the graphics can be aptly described wit the phrase
"helluva primitive"; all of the levels look virtually the same, except
that some have white blotches 
plastered all over them to represent snow, and
others have MS Paint inspired straight black lines to represent rain. The
levels seem to be randomly generated, so that could explain the lack of
graphical diversity, but even so it ain't pretty.
Also of concern for Taz-Mania are the controls. When Taz gets knocked silly by an oncoming truck or stationary sign, the player must wiggle the d-pad around to bring him back to reality. This is a trifle annoying (why can't he get up on his own...?), but it's not so much a problem as the unresponsive jump button. When you're playing a game that requires split-second timing, it generally helps if the button you need to push works 100% of the time, not the 65% or so that exists in Taz-Mania. Also, this is more of a personal preference than an actual fault, games should be paused using the start button, not select. It goes against the grain of virtually every other video game for the NES and up.
Despite its numerous shortcomings, I can assure you that you'll have a grand
time playing Super Nintendo's Taz-Mania. There's something unexplainably
addicting about munching up those pesky birds, and the game can easily be
completed in one sitting. All of the faults I've mentioned, with the
exception of the controls, are purely aesthetic, and thus do not detract from
the game's fun at all. I nabbed this sucker at GameStop for eight bucks,
and if you have the opportunity to do the same, I definitely recommend that you
do. It's a fun way to kill an hour or two.
Platform: Sony Playstation
Genre: Role-Playing, Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: July 2000
Developer: Square
Publisher: Square Electronic Arts
Threads of Fate is a nice short little
action/RPG type of game where you can control one of two different characters,
Rue
and Mint. Both of them, as well as a few shady characters, are after a
magical relic, although they all have their own reasons for wanting it.
Rue wants it so he can revive his friend Claire, who was killed by a mysterious
creature known as the "Arm of Death". Mint, however, has a less admirable
goal in mind. She wants it so she can gain ultimate power and conquer the
world. Both characters have their own specific storyline to play, but they
both take place in the same area, mostly around the town of Carona. Rue is
mainly a fighter, using close range combat to defeat most foes, but he can also
transform into the monsters he defeats and use their skills and magics.
Mint uses a variety of magic skills in different elemental classes such as fire,
water, and wind.
It was easy to pick up the controls of this
game, although it is a little bit of an annoyance to have to constantly be
switching your magics and monster forms while playing, 
since
you have to go into the magic/monster menu every time you want to use a
different monster or spell; it was easy to get over. The story was good as
expected, since it's a Square game and all, even if it is a little short (10-20
hours long, give or take).
Although the game is short, the bonuses you get for playing again will have you playing over and over... or at least twice so you can get the bonus endings. After you have played through the quests of both characters, you can restart the game using either character and all of the magics and money and stats you have gotten from the last time you played. It's similar to the "New game +" of Chrono Trigger.
Overall Threads of Fate was a generally
good, solid game, with better than average graphics for a PSX game, easy to
learn controls, and an interesting storyline. The main drawbacks to it are
the shortness of the game, and the lack of sidequests to do and secret items to
find. There were a few of them, but not enough to keep you entertained for
more than an hour or so.
Platform: Nintendo GameCube
Genre: Strategy
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: December 2001
Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo
Lemmings 3D, wait... I mean Pikmin, provides
a healthy break from the mayhem that is console gaming today. Take a step
back from all the guns, violence, eye candy, and 50+ hours of gameplay, and what
kind of game are you left with? A game that makes you think.
That's what you have, and that's what Pikmin is. Granted, it's not exactly
the mystery of faster than light travel that you are trying to unravel, but the
situations you are faced with in Pikmin do force you to use that muscle in your
head. Where are my manners, though? You ask... what sort of
situations? What muscle is in my head? What the hell are
Pikmin? How do I move faster than light? Young grasshopper, the
answers will soon be revealed.
The player takes control of my dear friend, Captain Olimar, who has crash-landed on planet Earth. With your ship in shambles, a thirty day reserve of supplies, and an intense will to survive, you must set out on your journey to repair your ship to the point that it can return home. Unfortunately for you, each of the thirty pieces you must obtain are too big for you to carry alone, not to mention in hard to reach places. Fortunately for you, quickly upon exploring your surrounding you stumble upon an odd red plant saucer flowery looking thing. How is that fortunate? It turns out the "onion" is where the curious race of Pikmin live. Coming in three varieties, the Pikmin are the key to your survival, hence the name of the game. You lead the Pikmin around, using them to perform a variety of tasks, but most importantly having them carry your missing parts back to your ship.
Each of the Pikmin colors are suited to
certain tasks. Having a rough time with napalm, a breathing bug, or a
field of fiery geysers? Command an army of red Pikmin, and you will
prevail as they dauntingly brave the flames. Occasionally, your progress
will be impeded by a wall of stone or a tall cliff. In these cases you
might want to break out the yellow Pikmin, whose ability to handle "bomb
rocks" make 
them
invaluable. Their large ears also help them to catch the wind, making them
easier to throw up to higher elevations. The Pikmin of the blue variety
thrive in aquatic environments. As the only Pikmin who can travel through
water without drowning, they are the elite navy SEALS of your army. Any
mission that requires traversing a pond will require the aid of the great blue
army.
The graphical aspect of Pikmin isn't anything that will cause your chin to hit the floor, but it fits the character of the game. It's presented in a cute, colorful, and comical style that matches the audience to which the game is marketed. As far as sound goes, there still isn't anything to go crazy over. Sounds remain true to the character of the game, but you won't be cranking up the volume just so you can hear the music. The controls, both for the camera and Olimar, are simple to learn, but leave you with an abundance of skills to achieve your mission.
Young children are able to appreciate the
game's relative ease, but more experienced gamers will have some interesting
challenges to await them. A game that is easy to learn, but difficult to
master, Pikmin is a very good choice if you are looking for a game to tickle
your fancy. It's cheap now too, so it won't empty your wallet if you
decide to purchase it. Pikmin 2 will be coming out soon, though...
Platform: Sony Playstation 2
Genre: Action, Puzzle
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: March 2002
Developer: Zoom
Publisher: Edios Interactive
Mister Mosquito is a complete paradox.
"Doug, whatever do you mean?", you might ask. Well, it's both
simple and complex at the same time. Dull, yet creative and
imaginative. "How is that possible?", you ask. I suppose
it all really depends on the player.
Upon first hearing about this game, one can't help but think about how cool of an idea that is. C'mon, flying around, biting unsuspecting prey, watching a young Japanese girl sleep and bathe... erm, yeah. So it's got a cool concept and all. What's dragging Mister Mosquito down is the fact that said concept is the lone factor behind the game's creation and playability. There really is no other reason to play the game other than the fact that you're a mosquito and you're biting things. This does enable you to do some cool things that everybody thinks would be so cool to do if you were a bug, like messing with the light switches and TV remote. But before I go into all of those extras, I should probably explain the main idea of the game.
You are Mister Mosquito, apparently some
weird type of mosquito machine that sucks blood into little capsules for
whatever reason, probably 'cause you're a mosquito and that's your entire
life. As Mister Mosquito, you wander around the home of the Yamadas, a typical
Japanese family, and basically annoy the hell out of them while they're trying
to watch TV or sleep or take a bath. You're dumped off somewhere in a
room, with your victim going about some type of activity while you navigate the
room and search for the sweet spot on the host. It's a little weird
controlling Mister Mosquito -- it kind of feels like he's farther away from
approaching objects than he really is. Next thing you know you're bumping
into walls or legs or 
something.
But anyway, once you find this sweet spot on the skin, you've got to target it,
make your point, and then suck the blood by rotating the analog stick around a
bunch of times. Once you suck enough blood, you complete the level.
Finding the sweet spot is always a challenge. One of the coolest parts of the game is flying around the room, looking for something to use to mess with your host. I found myself turning on the radio, ringing doorbells, and turning of the lights in an effort to get the victim to move about to that right spot. If, by chance, you're spotted, you go into a "Battle Mode" in which your human prey swings their limbs about in a vain attempt to swat you down, while you "relax" the human by ramming into them in certain spots. After the human is relaxed, you can go about your business sucking blood.
I mean, that sounds pretty cool and all, but
that's really all there is to it. I really had a tough time playing
through the game, because frankly, the young girl was just a tease and the mom
and dad are boring. The graphics are pretty sweet though, and with a good
enough imagination I'm sure you could have a good time with this game.
Besides, it's definitely cool that more and more games are being released
stateside, even if they do seem a bit weird for American audiences.
Platform: Nintendo GameCube
Genre: Role-playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: March 2002
Developer: Overworks
Publisher: Sega
Where do I begin when trying to review the
epic tale Skies of Arcadia: Legends? SoA:L is a po
lished up version of the
Sega Dreamcast game Skies of Arcadia, which was released in late 2000.
Other than just clearing up the graphics and clearing out some bugs like most
developers do when they port something to another system, Overworks made SoA:L a
near flawless game.
You start off as an air pirate by the name of Vyse, who is teamed up with his childhood friend Aika. They are both Blue Rogues who are always looking for adventure. During one of their raids, they come across a Valuan Empire battleship that is chasing after a mysterious girl by the name if Fina, who is intent on saving the world. After you save Fina, Vyse and Aika use her mission as a way to explore the far corners of the world.
The world of Arcadia is a vast sky broken up by airflows and currents. Each continent is actually as set of islands floating in the sky, enchanted by the power of one of the six moons; the green, red, yellow, purple, blue, and silver. Every moon controls different magic powers that are basically elemental based.
Other than its interesting plot and basic RPG
elements (the average talk to people, get a clue on where to go, then proceed),
SoA:L is a solid game. Every event in the game really makes you feel like
a swashbuckling pirate because you are always getting some sort of pivotal outcome
from being the risk taker and 
succeeding at it. This leads to the part
about making decisions; the more adventurous responses you make, the more Vyse
is look up upon amongst townsfolk and feared by lowly enemies.
Instead of having mini-games as a supplement to extend the game's length, the side quests do that well on their own. There's a number of different side quests to do like discovering fabled places and creatures, bounty hunting for some extra cash, looking for treasure, air battling in your ship against opposing pirates and legendary creatures, plus lots of little tasks to occupy your time.
The battle system for both the regular and air battles have a different take on turn based combat. Instead of heavily relying on how much magic power your characters have or when you get your limit, you rely on team spirit points to do most of your major attacks in air and on land. As a side note, I'd like to mention tat the air battles are like watching a live action version of the board game Battleship. It looks unbelievably sweet.
If this doesn't whet your appetite, I don't
know what will. I suggest that everyone who has access to a GameCube makes
an effort to play this game. It is definitely a game worth experiencing.
IV.
V. 
Your Top 10 Games
Becca Clipper's Top 10 Nicht-Favorite Video Games
Medford Lakes, NJ
10. The Lion King (SG): This game sucks.
9. Gauntlet: Dark Legacy (GCN): This game blows to
watch. I've barely ever played it. It contains too many sexual
undertones.
8. Yahtzee (??): This game is 100% chance, chance sucks.
7. Halo 2 (MXB): This game is no fun at all. Playing it makes me wanna kill myself.
6. Hunter: The Reckoning (GCN): Emily sucks at this game.
5. Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (GCN): Leave the wind alone. Link is a big headed freak.
4. Butt Sex (??): Exit only, I don't like to play this game ever!
3. Spice World (PSX): I actually love this game.
2. Super Mario World (SNES): Honestly, what's the point?
1. Halo (MXB): I really truthfully hate this game with a
loathing passion. It makes me angry to just look at the game case.
Do you have what it takes to write for GameCola? Send us a list of your top 10 Züper-Favorite (favorite) or Nicht-Favorite (least favorite) video games, along with brief explanations for why you chose each game, and your full name and hometown. Maybe, just maybe, fate will smile down upon thee, and Your Top 10 Games will appear in an upcoming issue of GameCola!
e-mail: Top10@gamecola.net
VI. 
The Shawnee Art Show displayed the best of
what my school's creative talent has to offer. There were paintings, sculptures,
photographs, children's books, masks, dishes -- several of which (among the best
there, of course) were created by members of the GameCola staff. But one
(non-GameCola) item in particular stood out from the rest. One item always
had a crowd surrounding it. One item was something that had never before
been seen at Shawnee's Art Show. That one item was created by a senior at
Shawnee High School, and it was a yet-unnamed fantastic two-player
side-scrolling computer game.
To say that this computer game was a "hit" at the Art Show would be like describing Super Mario Bros. 3 merely as a "hit" for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Nary a moment went by when two people were not blasting and slashing their way through this demo version of what could easily be mistaken for a GameBoy Advance title. The game's creator, Jim Bochanski, was constantly having to run back and forth between the computer table and the rest of his artwork to present his game to yet another group of eager students.
According to Bochanski, the game was inspired by the live-action role-playing (LARPing) that took place in his basement between he and a friend. After telling us this, Bochanski giggled, proclaimed "I am huge dork!", and said nothing more of this "LARPing".
Bochanski told GameCola that he had always wanted a two-player MegaMan type game; he wanted somebody to have his back. Instead of bitching and moaning (well, at least not for too long), he decided to create his own, and eight months later his idea was in playable form. He worked on the game five days a week, for about five to six hours a day. Considering that Bochanski is a high school student with not a lot of time on his hands, this is a significant amount of time to spend working on anything, not just a game. And, woo boy, does the work ever show!
The animations alone,
which Bochanski created
without any outside help, are enough to make your eyes bug several inches from
their sockets. Unfortunately, there's no way I can actually
"show" you how incredible and detailed Bochanski's animations are, so
you'll just have to trust me on that. The most impressive animation, a
background scene in which rocks are being melted down, is more breath taking
than most things I've seen on Super Nintendo games. That part alone took
Bochanski about ten hours to animate, but again, the amount of work he put in is
quite evident.
But awesome visuals are nothing without solid gameplay to back them up, and here again Bochanski's program shines. The game features two characters, both obviously inspired by MegaMan. Except that, unlike MegaMan, these two characters are not limited to just shooting their adversaries -- they also have swords for close range combat. At the moment, one of these characters has an unlimited supply of ammunition, but Bochanski assures us that this will change.
Typically, playing a two-player computer game
with just one keyboard is the equivalent of using the Track and Field mat to
play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, but Bochanski jumps clear over this hurdle with
his effective control scheme. It's really simple, actually: One
player uses buttons on the right side of the keyboard, and the other player uses
buttons on the left. They keys are spaced well enough that both players
can see the monitor without being on top of each other, something that corporate
computer game developers can't seem to figure out.
The more cynical among you may think of
Bochanski's game as nothing more than a MegaMan clone with swords, but
you're just being spiteful if that's your line of thinking. I'd like to
see you make something half this awesome, punk! In a world where 3D
polygons are the standard for video games, and anything less is considered
outdated and thus no good, it's refreshing to see an old-fashioned side-scroller
that's two-player and actually a lot of fun to play. Unfortunately, due to
the amount of time and effort that Bochanski has had to put into his quality
title, a finished project may never see the light of day. Unfortunately as
well, I am unable to provide much more than some screenshots, concept art (see:
end of article), and my opinion of the game. But if that is enough to get
you interested (or you too have played and love his Art Show demo), please send
an e-mail his way and let him know. Maybe if we show enough support for
Bochanski's game, he will continue to work diligently on it, and some day his
awesome side-scroller will be available at a video game retailer near you.
You never know.
Concept Art Gallery
Barin: The port of Samghon on the western shores of the
Red Isle will shelter us.
Dugo: If this storm speeds up and follows us, we are screwed sitting out
here. The cave networks on the Red Isle would
provide safe
haven. Let us make haste.
------------------------------------------------------------
8 PM
10th of August - Off the coast of Samghon
The familiar glow of civilization beckons the ship into the port of Samghon. Eight green eyes reluctantly scan the horizon, surveying the island ahead of them. They may be safe there, but it is not their home. Home lies behind them, still burning from the firestorm. The Red Isle is a great deal different from the Green Isle the four had lived on. In place of lush forests and rolling fields, there were only mountainous volcanoes and cracked lava plains. Only a few coastal sities held a true population. The interior of the island contained small, remote mining outposts only reachable by airship. From these mines came the only source of income for the Red Isle. Everything here ran around earth and minerals, dirt and jewels. The largest city, Samghon, lay before them, rock spires rising up behind the docks and merchant ships. Scarred and bettered, the Element finally reaches its destination.
Barin: This ship
used to rank among the finest ships of all the Finny Isles. Now look at
her; what a wreck.
Naleroe: Maybe we can fix it? It's only superficial... I
think. I can't say I know all that much about boats.
Barin: Ah, don't worry about it. We have
more pressing matters. Dugo and I will go into town and try to find
some
lodgings. Apul? Keep an eye on the ship, and keep Nae out of trouble
will ya?
Apul: I think I can handle that.
Ten minutes later...
Red Ripple Pub
Barkeep: Yo, we got some rooms. Seventy-five rupees is the going price.
Barin slides the requested jewels across the counter and receives the key in a similar manner. A cloaked woman brushes past Dugo on her way out, gazing at Barin as he orders some refreshments up to the room. A curious blade peeks out from beneath her cloak, and catches Dugo's eye. With a vague recognition, Dugo files away the event in the files of his brain, unconsciously knowing it to be an important fact. Just then, Barin concludes his business and the pair make their way back to the docks to collect the remnants of their party.
Back out on the streets, Barin and Dugo barely make it a block before the cloaked woman reappears in front of them...
????: <presenting Dugo's
dagger> You really should be more mindful of your possessions.
Dugo: ...wha?? ...no one has ever been able to... pickpocket... how???
????: I'm just good at what I do. I'm just better at it than
you.
Dugo: Am I supposed to know what you are talking about? Do I know
you?
????: Not me particularly, but I expected you to recognize Elgofiian
garb.
Dugo: Your blade seems vaguely familiar, but I can't quite put my finger
on it.
????: It should look familiar; you made it.
Barin: You want to fill me in? We've got people waiting on us.
Dugo: Ah, I nearly forgot! Hey, ...you? Come back to our ship
with us. Care to join us at the inn? What's your name
anyway?
????: That's not important right now. I'll come.
A new ally, or a foe in
disguise?
Who is the mysterious woman, and what are her motives?
Who is Dugo? Who WAS Dugo?
Sustained
Barin: You sure about this? We don't have any idea who she
is; besides, she's looking at me funny.
Dugo: Trust me on this, friend. I think she likes you.
Barin: Alright... <smirk> you think so??
Overruled
Barin: WHOA! Hold on a second. Nobody is joining
anybody until we talk this out with Apul.
Dugo: I have a feeling on this...
Barin: We need to get our shit together before we go off with strange
women. There will be time for that later.
Please direct any comments/suggestions for Gates of Life to bwolf@gamecola.net or superhuman_man@hotmail.com.
Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one. However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month? None, I tell you. Without further adieu, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with "Advice for the Sensitive Gamer"...
Dear Jenna,
I have a problem. I am 12 years old and I think the Princess Toadstool is very cute. And hot. When I go to bed I have dreams with her in them... minus her dress. Sometimes I wake up stuck to my bed sheets. I told my daddy and he shook his head and looked away. Am I retarded? Do I need help? Please lead me in the correct direction.
Thanks,
Princess Problems Preferably
Princess Problems,
Congratulations! At the ripe old age of
12, you're finally realizing your gaming potential. No, you're not
retarded, and you're only going to need help washing your sheets until you get
this... outburst of hormones under control. 
No, my friend, this
"problem" you're having is nothing more than your gaming potential
presenting itself. "What could you possibly mean, Jenna?", you
must be thinking. "What could my wet dreams about the Princess and
Yoshi en flagrante delecto possibly have to do with my potential to succeed at
life?!" One word, my friend. WANG.
Being a girl myself, I have no personal experience with this natural phenomena, but I have spent enough hours around literal disciples of this theory to pick up a few main points.
1. To be good at gaming, one must possess a large amount of this half-physical, half-mental substantiation known as "wang".
2. Ergo, no girl could ever possibly be as good at gaming as a boy. (Whatever.)
3. Want can manifest itself in a number of ways -- sexual repression, uncontrollable humping/nudity, large scale brawls at all times and in all places, or, the most common -- an inhuman proficiency at all things video game.
So, my friend, you have nothing to worry about. This is
simply your body's way of telling you it needs more video games -- or some KY
Jelly. Enjoy!
Moral dilema? Help with your love life? Crying hysterically because you're stuck on the 11th level of ToeJam and Earl and can't get past those god-damned boogeymen? Write to Jenna at jogilvie@gamecola.net for all your Sensitive Gaming needs!
Video Game Related Mini-Figures That You Can Get From a
(4) Quarter Machine of the Month:
Mini Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Figurines
Now you can have all the fun and
excitement of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time in a manageable size!!
These tiny figures pack a huge punch of adventure, and they are good for any
situation!! Whether it be on a job interview or driving around in your
car, it is always a good idea to have these little guys around!! They are
each approximately small, and come in five different exciting action
packed characters!! The characters are Link (adult), Link (child), Zelda
(child), Ganondorf, and Poe!! These exciting mini-figures are limited in
quantity and are extremely rare!! Supplies are limited so you better act
quickly if you don't want to miss out on the chance of a lifetime!! This
is the perfect gift for any fan!! Come on down to your local quarter
machine arena and purchase yours today!!
- Graphical Artwork by Christina Dickson
Past Issues
March/April '02 June '02 July '02 August '02
September '02 October '02 November '02 December 02
January '03 February '03 April '03 May '03
GameCola: The Best of Year One
Entire contents © 2003 by Paul Franzen. All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyrights reserved herein, reproductions of GameCola in any manner, whether in whole or in part, without express written permission, is strictly prohibited. All submissions including, but not limited to, artwork, text, photographs, and videos become property of Paul Franzen. All trademarks and copyrights are property of their respective owners. All products and characters are property of their respective trademark and copyright owners. Copyright in all screenshots is owned by their respective companies.
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